By Dash Hamley
CHICAGO – Chicago Bulls guard, Derrick Rose, who has battled several knee injuries over the past couple years, denied accusations that he’s using the legs of a clone in his latest comeback.
“It’s just ridiculous,” said Rose. “I’ve worked so hard to come back from surgery. It’s one thing to be accused of using steroids, but this doesn’t even make sense.”
The accusation came from many in the locker room and the news room. Players from both the Bulls and opposing teams noticed how smoothly Rose has been playing in his first few preseason games. He was playing “like he had fresh legs,” according to one player, and that got the ball bouncing so to speak.
“He was a little hesitant when he came back from his first knee surgery,” said Charles Randall, local Bulls beat reporter. “He took a whole year off from basketball just to be sure, but even still, you could tell he was cautious. Then he got hurt again. I wouldn’t blame him if he did clone himself and then chop off those fresh legs and sew them to his body. Hell, I would if I had the money.”
The procedure of sewing limbs to another person’s body goes back to at least the 19th century when Dr. Frankenstein first created his monster. In the last two hundred years, the procedure, known as Frankenstein Surgery, has certainly progressed but has also been only performed in certain countries or on the black market. As one might imagine, finding the spare limbs is the main sticking point. Even allowing people to donate their limbs like they donate their organs is seen only as a little less monstrous, mostly due to the Frankenstein connection.
As for Rose the accusation gained steam when a pair of pictures surfaced in the last two days. Each showed the scars on his knees, but each picture seemed to show the scars in slightly different places on his knees. “It kind of looks like makeup if you look at it a certain way,” said Laura Collins, another local Bulls beat reporter. “And of course, he’s wearing knee braces while he plays so that it could cover up any smudging while he plays. You could make a case for it, certainly.”
The NBA, which takes cheating very seriously, wouldn’t comment directly but is said to be looking into it. Meanwhile, Rose remains defiant. “I don’t know where you people think I got a clone of myself from,” he said. “Like I’m supposed to have gone to South America or something. Am I supposed to have an army of clones in water tubes ready for my use whenever I get hurt?”