The New Romford Free Press

Category: Sports

  • NBA Considering Expansion Team in New Mexico; Seattle Furious

    NBA Considering Expansion Team in New Mexico; Seattle Furious

    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – According to sources, the NBA is considering a proposal to add an expansion team in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in order to be the only major sports league to have a team in every Four Corner state.  Seattle is furious.

    Currently, the NBA has a team in Phoenix (the Suns), Salt Lake City (the Jazz), and Denver (the Nuggets).  Neither the city of Albuquerque nor the state of New Mexico has ever been home to a major sports team, while Seattle recently lost their NBA team (the Supersonics) to Oklahoma City in 2008.  Seattle has been trying to get a team back ever since.

    “This is an outrage,” said morning sports radio host, Mike Mallet, of Hamlet and the Mallet.  “New Mexico?  The NBA is seriously considering New Mexico over Seattle?  What’s in Albuquerque except Walter White?  That’s all that city is famous for.  They might as well call it the New Mexico Methheads.”

    Similar outrage rolled throughout the Pacific Northwest.  The Seattle Times called this proposal “a travesty”, the Tacoma Rocket said this “was a smack in the face,” and somehow, the Space Needle made an obscene gesture with a light display.  (No one is quite sure how this happened, but Space Needle officials are looking into it.)

    Usually, when a sports league expands, it adds two teams to its roster to even out the schedule.  The current proposal on Commissioner Adam Silver’s desk only lists the one expansion team with no mention of a second.  The natural landing spot for a second expansion team would be Seattle, but the NBA has a penchant for teams settling in unusual spots.

    “The NBA has a team in Utah and Oklahoma,” said Walt Kipling, sports writer at the Tacoma Rocket, “but no team in St. Louis, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, or Baltimore, all of which have NFL and MLB teams.  They even have a team in Portland, Orlando, and Sacramento, I think, and these are markets the NFL and MLB aren’t in, so the NBA just goes wherever it wants.”

    “Maybe they could call the New Mexico team ‘The Sonics’ just to tick Seattle off,” he added.  “The NBA really likes to do that.”

  • Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    sacrementokings
    An artist’s rendering of what we think is the Sacramento Kings logo. We’re honestly not sure.

    By Dash Hamley

    SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago.  The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA.

    “I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland.  “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one year against the Lakers and something with Shaq, but the rest is all fuzzy.”

    “Mitch Richmond?  Was that one of their players?”

    How an NBA franchise that somehow dates back to 1923 in Rochester, New York, could ever be forgotten, even by the league around it, could not be explained by the researchers.  “It’s impossible to explain,” said lead researcher, Gary Francis.  “Even other NBA players who regularly play against the Kings every year forget that they exist after they’re done playing against them.  Sometimes they forget even while playing against them.”

    Magic (not the team or the famous basketball player) was the most likely explanation for this strange forgetfulness, but the researchers called in several spellcasters to detect magic residue only to come up empty.  Then, they tried scanning players’ and reporters’ brains for any sign of memory tampering, again coming up empty.  They also checked for space-time anomalies, red-light shifts, fungal brain spores, and Sasquatch droppings, but all came back negative.

    “I have no clue how this happened,” said Francis.  “Maybe the Sacramento…Kings?  We’re talking about the Sacramento Kings, right?  That’s what’s on my notes here.  This forgetfulness must be happening to me as well.  Maybe it’s just something to do with the team.  They just haven’t left an impression on anyone in so long that people forgot they exist.”

    “I’m sorry, who were we talking about again?”

  • Report: Several Universities Are Fronts for For-Profit Football Teams

    Report: Several Universities Are Fronts for For-Profit Football Teams

    by Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK — In a recently published report investigating over 400 universities, 64% were found to be fronts for their for-profit football teams.  The NCAA declined to comment.

    The “universities,” including Auburn, Alabama, Oregon, Florida, Florida State, Northwestern, and, surprisingly, Stanford, were found to be fronts for their football teams.  The “professors,” “classes,” “dorms,” and “diplomas” were all fake as well.  None were accredited with the government, and their “professors” were actors working from scripts.  The only true purpose for these universities was to establish “college football teams” to make millions of dollars from ticket and merchandise sales and television deals.

    “How they were able to set this all up 40, 50, 60 years ago,” said college football analyst Kirk Herbstreit, “is astonishing.  College football, let alone football itself, wasn’t the huge money-making venture that it is today.  No way could they have known this that far in advance, and yet, if this report is true, that’s exactly what happened.”

    The report, conducted in secrecy, doesn’t explain how they had the foresight to execute such a plan.  Many of the universities are 100 years old and began with no sports programs let alone a football program.  It’s possible that a time traveler with an almanac went back in time, but tachyon disturbances are difficult to detect in a muddled timestream like ours.  Still, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities.

    How exactly the universities operated for so long without accreditation while also handing out diplomas and sending graduates into the workforce is even a greater conspiracy than any time shenanigans.  The report did note several expenses to five different holding companies, all residing in Newark, New Jersey.  They all reside in nondescript office buildings and don’t advertise their names on the outside of the buildings.  While the report wasn’t able to determine why these universities were paying these holding companies on a regular basis, the companies’ other clients include U.S. Senators and Congressmen.  The implication from the report is that the universities are bribing lawmakers to acquire accreditation without complying with accreditation standards.

    None of the universities named in the report commented on the accusations, but several “professors” from each have suddenly resigned and gone into hiding.  “This is an egregious breach of ethics and trust,” said college football analyst Lee Corso, while still wearing a horse mascot head over his own head for some reason.  “Nevermind the fact that they’re making millions of dollars off of more or less free labor, but they’re also handing out degrees to people who don’t deserve them.  There are doctors out there right now who got their medical degrees at these schools.  How is this even possible?”

    “That said, I can’t wait for national signing day [on February 4].  It’s going to be exciting!”

  • McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

    McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    In yet another stunning turn of events in the Pinnacle Health scandal, Jay McMillan, first baseman for the New Romford Railers, released a statement this morning revealing that he did purchase drugs from Jared Mendoza but not to gain superpowers.  Rather, he claims to have used drugs to suppress his own natural superpowers.

    “Ever since I was a boy,” McMillan said in his statement, “I was always stronger and faster than everyone else.  At the time it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  I was just a better athlete.  But as I went into high school, I noticed that my strength and speed were much greater than my teammates.  I could lift cars and jump across rivers.  After consulting with a few experts, my parents and I determined that I had natural superpowers.  I was never in a chemical spill, never hit by cosmic rays, never augmented with nanites.  My powers were all-natural.”

    If validated, this would free McMillan of any possible criminal charges thrown against him.  It is a crime to obtain superpowers intentionally but not a crime to obtain superpowers unintentionally or by birth.  But it also mean the end of his career as an athlete, where superpowers are strictly forbidden.

    “Now, many people will wonder why I didn’t become a superhero with these powers,” McMillan continued.  “The truth is that my strength and speed are not that great compared to the professionals in that field, nor do I have the mental fortitude to lead that life.  I believe it takes a special kind of person who wants to be a superhero, and all I wanted to do was play baseball.  So I purchased drugs from Jared Mendoza to suppress my powers so that I wouldn’t have an unfair advantage over my peers.  That is the truth.”

    McMillan’s claims will need to be investigated by the DEA as suppressing superpowers is a muddy legal issue.  An even muddier issue will be the public’s reaction.  Superhumans are all but expected to contribute to society in some way, either by becoming a superhero or a construction worker.  Using superpowers for less helpful purposes, like sports, is viewed as selfish.  In the past decade, there’s been pushback from superhumans who just want to lead normal lives without the pressure to become superheroes, but it’s still a thorny issue.

    Meanwhile, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless has been officially suspended for 30 days by ESPN for his LeBron James chair-throwing incident from last week.  Previously, ESPN had suspended him indefinitely.

  • 32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

    32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    In a stunning turn of events, 32 professional athletes have pleaded guilty to illegally obtaining superpowers via drugs sold by Pinnacle Health.  Jay McMillan was the only athlete who did not plead guilty, choosing instead to fight against the DEA.

    According to sources inside the DEA, the evidence against the athletes was conclusive and direct.  There were photos, texts, recorded phone calls, and even video of the athletes either buying or proposing to buy superpower drugs from Pinnacle Health.  Because they pleaded guilty, the athletes were able to get reduced sentences, but the number of years was not yet disclosed.  They will also have to receive mandatory superpower-reversing treatments until they are fully human again.

    The list of athletes includes prominent players from the MLB, NFL, and NBA:  Cody Rodriguez from the San Diego Padres, Michael McNally from the Texas Rangers, Paul Blart and Aaron Morgan from the Cleveland Indians, Carl Heddiger from the Chicago Bears, and Mike van Epps from the Indiana Pacers.  Naturally, each league has already banned every player from their respective sport, and any endorsement deals they had will surely be reviewed.

    But Jay McMillan has not been banned from Major League Baseball just yet.  He has chosen to fight the charges against him.  “This doesn’t sound like a smart move,” said legal analyst Martin Laredo.  “The evidence, which I’ve seen parts of it, against the other 32 athletes is very solid, so much so that they’ve all pleaded guilty to avoid lengthy sentences.  I can’t imagine the DEA would have less than that for [McMillan].”

    In other news, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless reportedly threw a chair in the ESPN offices when LeBron James’s name was not included in the list.

  • Chris Berman Stuck in Perpetual Nickname Loop

    Chris Berman Stuck in Perpetual Nickname Loop

    By Dash Hamley

    BRISTOL, Connecticut – ESPN anchor Chris Berman was admitted to the hospital today after entering a fevered state of nicknaming while in a production meeting.

    Berman, the longtime anchor of Sunday NFL Countdown, is well known for giving professional athletes nicknames, usually through puns.  Some of his most creative nicknames are Bert “Be Home” Blyleven, Joseph “Live and Let” Addai, Sammy “Say It Ain’t” Sosa, and Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta” Delhomme.  But today, while in a production meeting, Berman got on a roll with nicknaming NFL and MLB athletes and didn’t stop.

    “At first, we were all like, ‘Dude’s just on a roll,’” said fellow anchor Stuart Scott.  “You know Chris.  Nicknames are his thing.  He started with Golden Tate ‘Warriors’, Tony Romo ‘Tomatoes’, Tom Brady ‘Bill’, and he just didn’t stop.”

    In fact, Berman is still spouting nicknames right now in his hospital bed.  Doctors have yet to determine the cause of this strange malady, but they’re labeling it a “perpetual nickname loop” for the time being.  Several neurologists are being called in for a consultation.  Otherwise, Berman’s vitals are all normal.

    “More or less, he’s fine,” said ESPN producer Laura McKinney.  “You can have a conversation with him so long as you’re willing to sit through each new nickname he rattles off every other word.”

    A pair of ESPN interns is being stationed in Berman’s room to record every new nickname just in case one of them works.  A sample of the list includes:  “Brain Over” LeBron James, Sidney Crosby “Stills and Nash”, David “The” Price “Is Right”, Evan “Not the Actress, Eva” Longoria, Andrew “Lucky to be Alive Because of That Brain Tumor”, and Hunter “Two-Pence McGucker, Head Captain of the Hobo Empire, 1933-1935”.

    “Those last few are really weird,” said intern Scott Watts, who did research Two-Pence McGucker and his reign in the Hobo Empire.  “But hey, I don’t know his process.  Maybe he really likes hobos.”

  • Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs.

    McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business, and Jay has no connection to this place.”  Since it’s the offseason, McMillan is at his home in Texas.

    Two years ago, the Railers signed McMillan to a seven-year, $156 million contract, and he’s been an elite player ever since he entered the majors in 2008.  He also has several endorsement deals, including Nike, Pepsi, Gatorade, Dick’s, and Gillette.  Forbes estimated that he made $56 million last year alone.

    If convicted, McMillan not only would be banned from Major League Baseball, but he’d surely go to prison for at least 20 years, effectively ending his professional career.  Karl Owenberg, President of the New Romford Railers, came to his player’s defense.  “I know Jay,” he said, “and this isn’t something he’d do.  Ever.  I know him better than most people even in this organization.  I was there in Texas when he was playing college ball, I was there in Tampa Bay when he broke into the league, and I’ve been there ever since he signed with us.  He’s a good kid.”

    By contrast, many commentators haven’t been so positive about the situation.  “McMillan’s good, but not that good,” said ESPN talking head and bridge troll, Skip Bayless.  “So of course, he’d use superpowers to get an edge because he’s a little punk who doesn’t deserve to be in the limelight like me, Skip Bayless.”

    “By the way, why aren’t they releasing LeBron James’s name from that list yet?”

    There has been no word as to if and when the other names will be released, but if the evidence gathered from Pinnacle is as solid as reported, then those names should become public very soon.