The New Romford Free Press

Category: World

  • Pacifica Wins Election, Independence

    Pacifica Wins Election, Independence

     

    atlpacmapsm

    By Stan Hopewell

    ATLANTIS —  In a historic election, Pacifica has won its independence in a landslide victory, 68% pro-independence, 30% anti-independence, 2% indifferent.

    After the revelation of Atlantean General Jor Q’Rell staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meeting, and possible time travel shenanigans, King Morn A’Ganor of Atlantis agreed to hold an election to determine the fate of Pacifican independence.  Some political observers worried that two weeks was too little time to hold an election, but it went off without a hitch.

    “I’ll say this about Atlanteans,” said Luis Mendoza, Political Science Professor at University of Panama, “they are very efficient.  Their communications network is incredibly advanced, even in the remotest parts of the oceans, and two weeks was the perfect timeframe for this.  They got in and out, quick and easy.  If only more overland governments could do this, it’d save us all so much headache.”

    The polls for Pacifica independence began in the 50-55% range but quickly rose to 65-75% when the polls included Quornians (the Indian Ocean province).  Quornia was especially interested in Pacifican independence as they have also wanted their independence for years.  Even most Atlanteans were in favor of Pacifican independence as a cost-cutting measure.  Maintaining the world’s largest empire has put a financial strain on Atlantis for decades.

    The results from the election were accepted by King A’Ganor.  “It’s a historic day for Atlantis and Pacifica,” he said in a statement.  “Most nations have to fight wars for their independence, but there will be no war in the oceans.  I accept the mandate from all of my people, and we will begin the process of independence in the coming months.  I congratulate Viceroy Montae and Pacifica on their victory.”

    “Today, a dream has come true,” said Viceroy Montae.  “Our great nation of Pacifica has won its freedom.  There were days I never thought this would happen, and I want to thank King Morn for working with us to fulfill our dream.  I also want to thank everyone who voted for independence and my staff for working hard to get out the vote.  I look forward to working Atlantis to make a smooth transition to independence and to working with Atlantis in the future as equals.”

    The actual process of granting Pacifica their freedom will likely take several months.  Resources will have to be divided, border and trade agreements will need to be written, and the Pacifican government will have to be formed.  All indications show Pacifica will use a parliamentary system.

    But for now, there is elation, and peace, in the Pacific Ocean.

  • Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

    Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – It took the giant gray feet and tails a month to descend nearly 500 feet from their portals in the sky, and in an abrupt turn of events, they retreated and disappeared in three minutes.

    “We’ve been monitoring them closely,” said Professor Stratosphere, “and they’ve been descending at a constant rate of about a centimeter per day.  Then, for some reason, they just stopped and ascended very quickly.  And now they’re gone.”

    “We have no idea why.”

    The giant feet and tails have become tourist attractions for Australia as they could be seen up to 1,000 miles away.  Authorities have kept a steady perimeter around the area without few incidents.  In two separate incidents, people have snuck through the perimeter to get a look of the feet from right below them.  Naturally, the prevailing fear was the feet would suddenly drop and crush anyone foolish enough to be under them.

    “A fall like that would likely have cracked the ground below,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “The impact would’ve caused earthquakes all over Australia and probably up into Asia.  Of course, that’s assuming their weight equaled their size.  They could’ve been light as a feather for all we know.”

    Scientists tried to fly closer to the feet to get better readings and possible skin samples, but a mysterious down draft emanating from the portals made that impossible.  At least, they think it was wind.  That, too, was impossible to tell.

    “We didn’t detect any air movement around the feet,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “There was some air movement right around them, but it was just the natural air movement.  We blew smoke across them, and the smoke just blew on past them.  So, it was probably a bend in spacetime.  I think?”

    “Honestly, we have no idea what they were or where they came from.  They were here for some reason, and now they’re not here for some reason.  We have no idea.”

    Asked about the likelihood the giants would reappear on Earth, Professor Stratosphere said, “Pick a percentage from zero to a hundred.  Go ahead.  Your guess is as good as mine!”

  • Overseer Says He’s ‘On Vacation’; People Freak Out When He Appears

    Overseer Says He’s ‘On Vacation’; People Freak Out When He Appears

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    PARIS – The Overseer, the giant-headed observer of our planet, is apparently “on vacation…traveling around Earth for fun,” and people are freaking out whenever he appears.

    The Overseer explained in a press conference in Paris today that he is “simply on vacation.”  For the past week, he has appeared at Mt. Fuji, the Taj Mahal, the Great Pyramids, and yesterday, the Eiffel Tower.   Each appearance has caused people to freak out because he only shows up when something terrible is about to happen.

    “I understand my appearance usually heralds some huge calamity to your planet,” he said, “ but I assure you I am traveling around Earth for fun, not business.  I’ve never really enjoyed myself on Earth before.  Please do not be afraid.  Nothing is happening, I assure you.”

    His intent may not matter much in the end.  The Overseer stands 10-50 feet tall, has a gigantic head in proportion to his body, and is mostly nude.  His visage suddenly appearing in a crowd will be enough to put people on edge.

    It will also be difficult not to freak out when people of all nations have been taught since birth to run away from wherever the Overseer is.  “See the Overseer, Fear the Overseer” goes the popular public service announcement from the 1960s.

    So far, nothing has happened during his visits.

    “How about this?” said the Overseer at the press conference.  “I’ll tell you when calamity is about to happen.  I’ll yell out ‘CALAMITY APPROACHING.’  That’ll put you all at ease, surely.”

    The United Nations has politely asked the Overseer to not do this and to vacation on another planet.

  • Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

    Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

    By Muffy Borgeron

    PACIFIC OCEAN – In a surprising turn of events, only in that it doesn’t happen more often, a supervillain’s volcano base was destroyed by the volcano itself.

    Colonel Calamity resided on his volcano base, Calamity Crater, for the past 40 years before yesterday’s eruption.  Since the island is technically its own sovereign nation, the conniving Colonel is the head of state for 450-2,500 residents (depending on if he’s planning another world takeover), all of whom are his minions.  It’s unknown how many people were on the island when the volcano erupted.

    This is the first time in nearly 200 years since the volcano, Fire Death Island, erupted.  Scientists thought it was an extinct volcano, and this was likely the reasoning for Colonel Calamity to build his base there and naming the previously unnamed island, Fire Death Island.  Satellite images show that his mansion and much of the base was actually built into the crater of Fire Death Island, and now that crater has exploded.

    “In retrospect, it was probably a terrible idea to build your house in a volcano,” said George Fukiyama, scientist at the U.S. Geological Survey in Honolulu.  “Like, really, really stupid.  We only think we know which volcanoes are extinct, and we’ve thought Fire Death Island might just be dormant since the 70s.  I thought this guy was supposed to be a genius.”

    Despite purporting an IQ of 3,544 (via a self-administered test), Colonel Calamity should’ve known this was likely to happen.  In 1978, an earthquake cracked the crater, and the crack was filled up the next day by molten rock.   In 1992, steam billowed out of the crater, and in 2005, the crater bulged upwards 12 feet before dropping down 24 feet.  By all accounts, the signs for an eruption were there, but the allure of living in a volcano must be too much.

    “It’s all about power,” said Mike Purdue, Supervillain Scholar at Columbia.  “Seven other supervillains make their homes in or near volcanoes, and those are the ones without volcano powers.  It’s a show of strength to live in a volcano.  Who’s going to attack your island if it blows up on you while you’re on it?”

    Thus far, this is the only volcano with a supervillain base to erupt, which is surprising.

    “With all the experimental weapons they work with,” said Purdue, “eruptions should really be more common.  These guys, and it’s always men doing this, are always trying to tap the power of volcanoes, usually by sticking things into the lava pit.  Most of these places should be destroyed when you think about it.”

    It’s unknown if Colonel Calamity was on the island during the eruption.  Most experts agree he had an escape pod and that he used it to escape.  Based on intelligence reports, Calamity Crater did not have escape pods for all of its minions.

  • Atlantean General Behind Laval Attack, Arrested; Elections to Be Held in 2 Weeks

    Atlantean General Behind Laval Attack, Arrested; Elections to Be Held in 2 Weeks

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    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – In an abrupt turn of events, a rogue Atlantean General was arrested for staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meetings, and King Morn A’Ganor has agreed to holding an election for Pacifica’s independence two weeks from now.

    With the aid of Adonis, Titana, and Micro-Man, who’s been in hiding during the investigation into the attack, Atlantean and Pacifican forces joined together to arrest Jor Q’Rell, a high-ranking General in the Atlantean military.  Suspicions that Atlantis was behind the attack had been bubbling for some time now, and using his diminutive size, Micro-Man gathered evidence on Q’Rell’s activities.  The General wanted to use the Laval attack to sabotage the meetings and unite both sides under a common cause.  He did not think the Lavals would be able to kill six Atlanteans and two Pacificans with the Atlantic and Pacific Guards protecting the meetings.  When confronted by King Morn and Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae, Q’Rell surprisingly surrendered without a fight.

    At this point, accounts of what transpired become muddled.  Everyone present in the meeting rooms of the Panama Canal all have multiple accounts of what happened with many similarities.  One account suggests that Q’Rell didn’t surrender but fought the King and Viceroy when confronted, and this spilled out into a full-blown battle between Atlantis and Pacifica.  Another account suggests that a battle ensued, and one of Q’Rell’s soldiers detonated a bomb, killing hundreds.  There were more accounts, but they all ended with a white light and with a reset to the moment Q’Rell was confronted.

    According to ATOM Labs, these accounts are all telltale signs of time travel.  “My guess is that someone either traveled back in time to prevent the battle,” said Professor Simone Givens, spacetime scientist at ATOM Labs, “or someone showed them possible futures in order to prevent the battle.  Either way, time travel shenanigans.”

    “And yes, that’s a technical term.”

    Whatever calamity was supposedly averted, Q’Rell and his forces were peacefully arrested and will be charged with several crimes.  The General’s forces will likely receive a variety of punishments, but Q’Rell will certainly receive the death penalty.  Their trials have yet to be set.

    After the arrests, tensions between the two sides eroded.  Atlanteans were just as upset over Q’Rell’s actins as the Pacificans, and King Morn and Viceroy Montae hammered out an agreement to hold an election to grant Pacifica its freedom.  It’s a startling turn for King Morn who was staunchly opposed to Pacifican independence.

    “Whatever he saw must have been worse than giving Pacifica their freedom,” said political observer, Luis Mendoza of the University of Panama.  “I can only speculate what he saw, but it’s not hard to imagine that he saw a civil war tear apart his kingdom.”

    The election will be held in two weeks.

  • World News: Dictators’ Statement, Garbage Island Community, and Beatles Ghosts

    World News: Dictators’ Statement, Garbage Island Community, and Beatles Ghosts

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    by Falco Rockbert

    Geneva – The world’s dictators released a joint statement to promote the good things they do for their nations.  “We do more than just make the trains run on time,” said the statement, and the rest of the statement promoted their marginal improvements in human rights (“Political prisoner rates have dropped 15% in the past five years.”), technological advancements (“We have upgraded all of our computers to DSL modems.”), and potato yields (“We had fewer blights.”).  The statement was released to the United Nations, who were not impressed.

    Garbage Island, Pacific Ocean – Somehow, a group of 40 people are now living on the garbage island in the Pacific.  They were discovered by a freighter that happened to sail past them, and the people waved to the ship.  Thinking they were in need of help, the freighter went to help them aboard, but only three people took them up on their offer.  They had come to the garbage island of their own accord and preferred to live there in their makeshift shanty town.  A man named Carlos Montana was their leader, and he led his “followers” to this island for a “fresh start.”  Montana denied that he started a cult, but given 40-some people followed him to live on the garbage island, the freighter captain was certain this was a cult.  The three who boarded his ship more or less confirmed his suspicion but did not want to speak to the media.  Surprisingly, the garbage island was sturdy and cohesive enough to support so many people and their shanty town, but their attempts at growing corn, sassafras, and kiwi fruit were “utter failures,” according to the captain.  When he noticed that some garbage islanders began to eat the garbage, he stopped trying to convince the cult to board his ship and left.

    LIVERPOOL – The ghosts of the Beatles have appeared all around Liverpool in the past week, which is weird since not all of the Beatles are dead.  Witnesses have reported that John, Paul, George, and Ringo walking around town and looking like their younger mop-topped selves from the early 60s.  They don’t interact with anyone or seem to notice when they’re about to get hit by cars.  When they do run into something, they phase through the object like it wasn’t there.  Scientists’ current theory is that these Beatles are from the 60s, and somehow we’re seeing them through a ripple in spacetime.  Or at least they hope that’s what is happening.  Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are aware of the situation, and neither has any compunction to check this out firsthand.

  • Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

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    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago.

    The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to secede from Atlantis, and the robotic nation of Asimovia, which claimed an abandoned Japanese island as its home.  Feeling a kinship with both, several representatives from the Lupine Nation, including leader, Dinu Nicolescu, approached each nation with a coalition proposal.

    “Friends, let us work together for freedom,” said one Lupine email.  “We all seek self-determination from our oppressive governments.  Alone, we can only do so much.  Together, we can achieve so much more!”

    Both Pacifica and Asimovia denied the proposals several times.  Pacifica is currently dealing with an Laval attack possibly coordinated by Atlantis, and Asimovia was attacked by a human-made computer virus.  “Have you not read the news, dogs?” said one Pacifican text message.  “Go chew on a bone, mongrel.”  The Asimovians were even less subtle.  “QUERY ANSWER DESIGNATION:  NO MEATBAG.”

    Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu, has denied the report, despite the IP addresses being linked to Transylvanian locations.  “We have not made any sort of proposal,” he said in a statement.  “If they did come from Transylvania, then they were not authorized by me or the Lupine Nation.  Someone with nefarious intent did this to frame us.  We want independence, yes, but we have not asked for outside help in this manner.”

    The Transylvanian government, and in particular Prime Minister Dracula himself, has not responded to this report, though sources inside Parliament have noted that Dracula was drinking more blood than normal after reading the report.