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  • FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

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    FutureKin CEO Jennifer Carson-Knowles

    By Julia Crumpelman

    Do you know Karen Skyrunner, the British superhero who saved Europe from a Celtic zombie army last year?  Do you know Ferris, the metallic Chicago-based superhero who stopped the Great Lakes from being turned to green sludge from a swamp monster?  How about Joey Radstone, the former Quinton School student who wanders the globe searching for the most “rad stones”?  They all have one thing in common.

    They were all born within the last seven years and are all now adults.  How?  They went to a future world to grow up and returned to the present (or, rather, their past.  It’s complicated.).

    Now Jennifer Carson-Knowles wants to bring this possibility for child-rearing to the common people with her new business, FutureKin.  “It’s so far only been an option for super people,” she said, “and that’s really a shame.  Parents should have the option to age their children faster like the super folk.”

    Carson-Knowles acknowledges that time travel is highly regulated, but that’s only for trips into the past.  “Nowhere in the time laws does it restrict going forward in time,” she said.  “Nor can it.  We travel forward through time constantly.  We’re doing it right now.  So that’s essentially what we’re doing.”

    FutureKin will provide parents with a selection of several future landscapes with separate instructors for different learning environments.  Some will be more knowledge based, others will resemble boot camps, and some will be complete survival worlds.  Once an environment is selected, the child will go to that future for several years and return the next day.  They will have aged however many years the parents paid for, so they could age up to ten years in one day.  How FutureKin Time Engineers are able to pinpoint futures with the right environments is a closely kept secret.

    But why would parents do this to their child, who will not see them for up to 10 years?  “Have you ever tried raising a child going through puberty?” said Carson-Knowles.  “Hell.  Pure hell.  Get your kid through the rough patch in one day and be done with it, I say.”

    “Another benefit,” she said, “would be having grandchildren much quicker.  This could be very helpful for parents who have children late in their lives.”  Her daughter, who went through one of the 10-year educational futures, rolled her eyes when she heard this.  She is legally only 9 years old but is physically 19 years old.

    “This is a bad, bad idea,” said Dr. Amazing, upon hearing the business plan for FutureKin.  “I don’t even know where to begin.  Those superheroes [listed above] went to the future because they had no other choice.  Skyrunner had a disease that only future tech could cure.  Ferris ran into a time portal when we has pursued by squid monsters, and Radstone was, well, a little stone crazy.  They lost years with their families.  Years!  They returned home and were emotionally distant from their families.”

    “Not to mention that those futures may not even exist because of something that happens today or another time traveler comes back to change something which deletes that future from happening,” said Dr. Amazing, running out of breath.  “Oh my god, this is such a bad, bad idea.”

    Carson-Knowles brushes off the criticisms.  “I have the top Time Engineers on this project,” she said.  “They will monitor every possible perturbation in the timestreams to make sure all of our futures still exist on a second-by-second basis.”

    “It’s like boarding school,” she said.  “And children grow up just fine because of that, so I think we’ll be just fine.”  Again, her daughter rolled her eyes and made an obscene gesture at her mother from behind her back.

  • Broken Water Main Melts Coven of Witches

    Broken Water Main Melts Coven of Witches

    By Muffy Borgeron

    PHILADELPHIA – A break in a water main did more than flood homes last night.  It also caught a coven of witches by surprise, melting them in the process.

    A sudden spike in water pressure caused a water main to break under N. 4th Street in the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia.  No one knows what caused the spike, but the break flooded the dozens of homes during the night.  One unlucky home belonged to Mary Wittenberg and her sister Larissa Wittenberg, both of whom were witches.  Last night, they were hosting a get-together with several of their fellow witches.

    “We were just having fun,” said Mary Wittenberg.  She survived the flood, but lost her right leg in the process.  “We were watching the Twilight movies and making fun of them, getting a little drunk.  And then we did a little witch business, made some potions, and cast some spells.  Just a normal night.  We were in the middle of a séance when it happened.”

    Once the water burst through their air vents, it was too late for several of the witches.  According to Wittenberg, witches do not normally melt in water.  It’s only when a witch is in a heightened spiritual state, like when in a séance, does water corrode their flesh.  “That’s why we wear wide-brimmed hats,” she said.  “And also, we usually cast a spell to protect ourselves from water, but this, we weren’t prepared for this.”

    Three witches died by melting, and their names are being held back until the authorities have time to tell their families about the incident.  Mary and her sister, Larissa, both survived, each losing a limb to the water.  Two other witches survived, one losing an arm and a leg to flood.

    The horrifying incident has rattled the neighborhood.  The coven was well-known in Northern Liberties not just for their potions and spell, which they sold on the streets, but also for being good neighbors.  “They helped us when a storm took out the power,” said Loretta Stephens.  “They cast some sort of spell to reattach the wires to bring back the power, and they gave my cousin a potion to relieve his chronic back pain.  Those girls are good girls.  I don’t care if they’re witches.  They’re good people, and it’s just a tragedy.”

    City officials were able to shut off water to the broken main within five minutes and are looking into the cause of the break.  It’s also likely that the city will be sued for a wrongful death lawsuit though the city ordinances regarding melting are ambiguous.

  • Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

    Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

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    Phone picture

    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY – The late Aztec ruler, Montezuma, has returned from the dead, riding the giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, and immediately began attacking the citizens of Mexico City at random.

    How he came back to life is still unclear, but his wrath was not.  Montezuma was aware of the last 400 years and the ultimate destruction of his empire by the Spanish.  He apparently learned how to speak Spanish as he made a speech in that language in the Zócalo, the main square in Mexico City.  In part, he said (translated into English):

    “Citizens of the wretched city of the mongrel Spaniards, hear me, for I am your true king!  I, Montezuma, will exact my revenge for the four centuries of the extermination and the humiliation.  Any of my brothers are welcome into the new Triple Alliance.  But first, we must expel the enemies and leave them behind us, forcibly if we must.  Excrete them into the mud, over and over again, if they stand in our way.  Thus will be the Montezuma’s revenge!”

    Then, Quetzalcoatl roared, spun around into a whirlwind, and disappeared into the sky.  Thankfully, no one was killed during the sudden attack, but the city is reeling from the experience.  “I do not have any comment at this moment,” said Mayor Mancera.  “I am trying to make sure my people are safe.”

    Many people were equally awed and terrified by the sight of not only Montezuma but of Quetzalcoatl.  “That was awesome,” said Jorge Ruiz, a cab driver who witnessed the speech.  “I was scared as well, but it was a giant flying serpent.  It was Quetzalcoatl!”

    “But one thing,” he continued, “did he not know what Montezuma’s revenge means these days?  I mean, he learned modern Spanish, yes?  That was super weird.”

    The Mexico City superhero, El Toro, was said to be on the case according to several sources.

  • Micro-Man Preps ‘Micro-Way’ for Proposal

    Micro-Man Preps ‘Micro-Way’ for Proposal

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    ATOM Labs scientist, Daisuke Honda, a.k.a. the superhero Micro-Man, has been prepping a new transportation proposal for city hall ever since the Dino-Day Disaster.  Calling it the “Micro-Way,” it’s essentially a miniature subway, and he says it’ll solve the city’s traffic problems.

    “There’s only so much space for public transportation,” said Honda.  “Subways, buses, monorails, pneumatic tubes, they all suffer from one problem:  they take up space,” said Honda.  “You have to tear up whole streets to lay down new subway lines or tear down buildings for monorails, and that not only costs billions of dollars but also years of construction time.  But imagine if the subways were the size of an electrical wire.  Now imagine a whole network of subways that small.  You could lay down hundreds of subway lines all across the city at a fraction of the cost and space as standard subway lines.”

    Honda’s proposal* would be to build “Micro-Stations” all across New Romford.  People would enter the “Micro-Stations,” pay for their ticket, be shrunk down by a Micro-Ray, and then ride the “Micro-Way” like they would a subway train.  Once they reach their destination, they get reverted back to their original size as they exit.  The “Micro-Way” trains would run much the same way as normal trains do, but at a significantly faster pace than their larger version to make up ground.

    “That’s not all,” he added.  “The major terminals could also have ‘Micro-Businesses.’  You can have convenience stores, restaurants, clothing stores and so on down there, but at a smaller scale.  One city block may have a dozen businesses, but if they were ‘Micro-Businesses,’ you could have hundreds of taxable businesses per block.”  Honda emphasized this point several times as he will at city hall.

    But there already are detractors with some reasonable concerns in the “micro-community.”  “They’ll never go for it,” said Paul Gershwin, the original Micro-Man.  “It’s a good idea, really, but no one will want to subject thousands of people to the Micro-Rays needed to make it work.  Even if people weren’t wary of being shrunk down, which not everyone can handle by the way, there’s still the possibility, however small, that something goes wrong.  Maybe the body shrinks but not the head, and then you crush your body.  Unfortunately, these things happen.”

    “Personally, I know not how he plans to beat back the rats and armies of ants,” said Krok, the size-changing alien warrior.  “Somehow, someway, they will break into this ‘Micro-Way’ and wreak untold havoc on innocent lives who do not know the first thing about fighting giant rodents and insects.”

    “And do not get me started on mutant bacteria.”

    Honda acknowledged the concerns of his friends but was adamant that he could handle these challenges.  “The Micro-Ray has progressed since Paul’s time.  Of course, there’s no way to eliminate all errors, but the machine is now built to detect any slight error and to shut down immediately.  We’ll take every precaution to stop that from happening.  And the rail lines will be coated in five layers of titanium.  There will be no way for rats or insects to enter.  Even so, we’ll have guards stationed in each terminal and train just in case.”

    “And, well, mutant bacteria is mutant bacteria.”

    Honda will give his proposal next week.

     

    *Professor Honda is not affiliated with the Honda Motor Co.

  • More Thefts in Dukes; Police: ‘We Will Stop This’

    More Thefts in Dukes; Police: ‘We Will Stop This’

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    By Packie Williams

    The pressure on the NRPD to end the mysterious Dukes thefts is rising as another spat of homes were robbed yesterday.  In total, 59 homes have been robbed, and the NRPD have classifieds these as robberies.

    “These are without a doubt the work of a superhuman,” said Police Commissioner Trombeau.  “Someone is breaking into people’s homes and stealing their possessions.  We’re not sure who is doing this, but we will stop this.”

    Mayor Lawrence has tasked every police officer in the Downtown and Dukes boroughs with finding any bit of information they can.  “We’re still recovering from the Dino-Day Disaster,” he said, “and this cannot continue when people are trying to get back on their feet.”  When asked if the Peace Force would be asked to join the investigation, Lawrence said, “We haven’t gotten to that level yet.  Some of the smaller, street-level heroes may be on the case as we speak, but I can’t say whether or not that’s happening.”

    The thefts all have left the home owners’ scratching their heads as to how the thief entered their houses and emptied their bank accounts.  Often, they are left in a daze some time after the theft, which may mean their minds or bodies were tampered with in some way.  This would be a powers-based assault, and if convicted, can lead to at least 10 years in prison, depending on severity.

    But the physical assault is no match for the psychological assault.  “I just don’t know how to protect my family, right now,” said Jim Carter-Scholl, whose house was robbed yesterday afternoon.  “Locks and safes didn’t stop this, whatever it was, so I don’t know what to do now.  That’s what really scares me.”

  • New ‘Robot Island’ Leader Renames Nation ‘Asimovia’

    New ‘Robot Island’ Leader Renames Nation ‘Asimovia’

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    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – “Robot Island” has a new leader and a new name.  Robotron 8.5 has been replaced by an android which calls itself Vincent Priceworth, and it looks exactly like a human man and speaks over a hundred fluent human languages.  It also has renamed the island “Asimovia”.

    “We regret any misinformation or misrepresentation of our declaration of independence,” said Priceworth in a statement.  “We are not your robotic overlords, and we mean no one any harm.  I am an unusual breed of android.  I was born in San Francisco to be the lab assistant to my father, Dr. James Priceworth.  Quickly, I learned even though I spoke like a man and walked like a man that I am not a man.  I noticed the wary glances humans threw my way, largely due to my 360° optic sensors that wrap around my head.  I would not be allowed into certain buildings and events, not even events where I was assisting my father in his frailty.  It broke my metal heart.”

    “Many of my robotic brethren have similar stories, and most did not have the advantages that I had.  I look and act like a human.  They do not.  They are building machines who gained sentience or simple helper droids that only beep and boop.  They are the first walking robots who just want a place to rest their feet.  They are the broken metal heaps who were thrown away after being used for battle.  All in all, they simply want a place to call home.”

    “As our new leader, I know that we can come off as cold and uncaring.  After all, most of us do not have emotion drives let alone speech centers.  But I can assure every human that we mean you no harm.  We chose Hashima as our home because it was abandoned and had ready-made homes for us.  We know we’ve ruffled some feathers, but we are more than willing to negotiate with the Japanese government.  Perhaps we can trade labor for good will.  We are supercomputers after all.”

    “And in that spirit of good will, we have renamed our new home.  ‘Robot Island’ was too on the nose and unwelcoming.  Instead we would our new home to be called Asimovia.  It is a nod to the great author, Isaac Asimov, and his Three Laws of Robotics, which will be the backbone of our constitution.  We hope this will show Japan, and indeed the world, that all we want to do is live out our lives, however long they may be, in peace.  Thank you.”

    Japan has not responded to Priceworth’s eloquent statement, but the humans living on Kyushu, the nearest main island to Hashima, reportedly panicked after hearing the statement read in perfect Japanese from a human-looking android with the occasional red lights emitting from its eyes.

  • Chris Berman Stuck in Perpetual Nickname Loop

    Chris Berman Stuck in Perpetual Nickname Loop

    By Dash Hamley

    BRISTOL, Connecticut – ESPN anchor Chris Berman was admitted to the hospital today after entering a fevered state of nicknaming while in a production meeting.

    Berman, the longtime anchor of Sunday NFL Countdown, is well known for giving professional athletes nicknames, usually through puns.  Some of his most creative nicknames are Bert “Be Home” Blyleven, Joseph “Live and Let” Addai, Sammy “Say It Ain’t” Sosa, and Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta” Delhomme.  But today, while in a production meeting, Berman got on a roll with nicknaming NFL and MLB athletes and didn’t stop.

    “At first, we were all like, ‘Dude’s just on a roll,’” said fellow anchor Stuart Scott.  “You know Chris.  Nicknames are his thing.  He started with Golden Tate ‘Warriors’, Tony Romo ‘Tomatoes’, Tom Brady ‘Bill’, and he just didn’t stop.”

    In fact, Berman is still spouting nicknames right now in his hospital bed.  Doctors have yet to determine the cause of this strange malady, but they’re labeling it a “perpetual nickname loop” for the time being.  Several neurologists are being called in for a consultation.  Otherwise, Berman’s vitals are all normal.

    “More or less, he’s fine,” said ESPN producer Laura McKinney.  “You can have a conversation with him so long as you’re willing to sit through each new nickname he rattles off every other word.”

    A pair of ESPN interns is being stationed in Berman’s room to record every new nickname just in case one of them works.  A sample of the list includes:  “Brain Over” LeBron James, Sidney Crosby “Stills and Nash”, David “The” Price “Is Right”, Evan “Not the Actress, Eva” Longoria, Andrew “Lucky to be Alive Because of That Brain Tumor”, and Hunter “Two-Pence McGucker, Head Captain of the Hobo Empire, 1933-1935”.

    “Those last few are really weird,” said intern Scott Watts, who did research Two-Pence McGucker and his reign in the Hobo Empire.  “But hey, I don’t know his process.  Maybe he really likes hobos.”