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  • Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

    Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The two pair of giant gray feet hovering over the Australian Outback have been slowly descending from their portals for the past week, and so far, they’ve only descended enough to show their calves.

    Information about where the feet came from or, more importantly, why they appeared above Australia is hard to come by.  Energy signatures from the portals share a common signature from the Carsi Nebula from the Pegasus Galaxy, but as little is known about either, scientists don’t know what to make of it.

    Better measurements of the feet were able to be taken seeing as the feet don’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.  Pair A, the feet that are facing northwest, are 9.15 km long (5.65 miles) and 4.67 km wide (2.9 miles).  Pair B, facing southwest, are 10.14 km long (6.3 miles) and 4.43 km wide (2.75 miles).  It is hypothesized that Pair A is a male giant and Pair B is a female giant, based on scans of their skeletal structure, though this is assuming the rest of their bodies are similar to humans above the calves.

    “Honestly, we don’t know anything beyond the ankles,” said Professor Stratosphere, who has been stationed in Australia along with a rotating team of Peace Force members since last week.  “They certainly look human, but well, they’re gigantic.  They could have the upper bodies of goats or fish for all we know, let alone any creature we’d recognize on Earth.  It’s far too soon to make any assumptions, no matter how fun doing that may be.”

    For the most part, the Australian people themselves seem to be taking this all in stride.  A recent poll showed 63% of Australians are “not worried about the giant feet” and 14% of Australians are “very worried about the giant feet” with a note that these people lived in the Outback.

    “Well, they’re not doing anything,” said Jossie Mantlebroad, a resident of Canberra.  “You can see them wherever you go, and they just sit there.  What are we supposed to do about it?  I’ll worry about them blokes once they come out of their hole and walk about.  Until then, I got to round up these kangaroo and feed the wallaby.”

    Mantlebroad works at the Canberra Zoo.  More news to come on these slowly descending story.

  • Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

    Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

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    By Skip Daverman

    K’MANI REALM – Montezuma broke the mad magician, Nilrem, out of “magic jail,” as the K’Mani Realm is more commonly known, using his winged serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    Experts have theorized that Montezuma has come back to life due to some sort of magic, if indeed it is the Montezuma of the Aztecs who died during the Spanish invasion into Mexico in 1520 and not a clone or robot.  The source of this magic has been a mystery, but now, that mystery appears to have been solved.  Quetzalcoatl has been creating portals that have allowed it and its master to teleport in an instant, and it just teleported into the K’Mani Realm.

    “This is most troubling,” said Boston magician and legal scholar, Lonnie Pierson.  “We’ve set up the strongest magical barriers known to the all the magical realms, and specifically, the barriers work with the eccentric properties of the K’Mani to make them even more impenetrable.  It’s like how a computing device changes its passcodes every few seconds, but even more erratic than that.  You need an intimate knowledge of how it works to get in or out.  And Quetzalcoatl got in with relative ease.  It’s just roared.”

    The K’Mani Realm houses many of the worst magicians, keeping them locked up with special barriers to counteract their personal magical abilities.  It is open to magicians of any planet in the Milky Way Galaxy and is monitored around the clock by thousands of magicians, wizards, mages, witches, and warlocks from hundreds of planets.  Since its inception in 1549, only three people have escaped, and all with inside help.  The last escapee was a non-Earth Mongolian in 1834.

    Quetzalcoatl’s teleportation abilities were thought to be scientific in nature, but it’s clear now that it uses some form of magic.  That magic is able to counteract the magics of the K’Mani Realm and even the specific magics of each inmate’s cell.  Quetzalcoatl broke Nilrem out of his cell with one roar.

    Now the question is why Montezuma broke out Nilrem.  Last time he was seen, Montezuma had learned what “Montezuma’s Revenge” meant in today’s vernacular, and he was not happy.

    “Whatever he’s up to,” said Mexico City superhero, El Toro, “it’s not going to be easy to stop.  He’s upset about his fallen nation and the disgrace brought to his name.  I suspect he’s going to lash out and show us his true revenge.”

    “And yes, I know how that sounds.”

  • Turns Out, Maze Island Was Full of Death Traps

    Turns Out, Maze Island Was Full of Death Traps

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    By Falco Rockbert

    MAZE ISLAND, Caribbean Sea – Maximillian Mazerly, a.k.a. Maze Man, was arrested today after his island resort, Maze Island, was full of death traps despite his many assurances that it wasn’t.

    El Toro apparently visited Maze Island undercover as a civilian on numerous occasions over the past few weeks, unconvinced that the supervillain had truly reformed.  Prior to the resort’s opening, he inspected all 12 of the island’s mazes, including the hotel, pool, golf course, and facilities.  At the time, El Toro couldn’t find any sign of death traps.

    But there was  a secret maze:  the 13th Maze.  It was filled with death traps.

    “I heard rumors of the 13th Maze from the staff,” said Cristos Williams, one of the first guests to the resort.  “They talked about it in hushed tones, which only made it more enticing.  I had already completed the underwater maze and the full-island maze, so I was looking for another challenge.  So I followed one employee to a storage closet that was emitting a green light, and I thought, ‘Bingo, 13th Maze.’  Then, I fell down a trap door into a room of spikes, wrecking balls, and lasers.”

    “It was nothing but death traps.”

    According to the nearly two dozen guests who entered the 13th Maze, each corridor punished the maze runner if they took a wrong turn or tried to cheat, usually by shooting spikes or lasers at them.  Three people fell into a snake pit, which were non-venomous, though they didn’t know that at the time, and two people were hit with the spikes, non-fatally.  Somehow, no one actually died from the death traps.

    But this all seemed to be a ruse to attract El Toro into the 13th Maze.  When he did emerge in costume, El Toro helped the guests who were stuck in the maze.  The real danger of the 13th Maze, as it turned out, was that there wasn’t an exit, and Maze Man appeared on a video screen to gloat about this to El Toro.

    “Man, I should’ve known this was all a trap for El Toro,” said Michael Fern.  “I kept seeing bull symbols all over the island.  Like, dude wasn’t even subtle about it in hindsight.  He’s always had a grudge.”

    Thankfully, El Toro analyzed the entrance to the 13th Maze and recognized that it was a dimensional portal, which was how he missed it.  He reconfigured an analysis device on his belt to trigger the portal’s energy signature and was able to teleport himself and everyone else out of the maze safely.  Then, it was a simple matter of defeating Maze Man’s goons and capturing Maze Man himself, and the horror of the 13th Maze was over.

    Mazerly tried to explain that no one had actually died in his “death traps” (and he made air quotes), but considering three people were traumatized in the snake pits, El Toro punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious.  Currently, he is in custody of the local officials.

  • Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

    Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite warnings from scientists that a time anomaly might occur, the PGA has set a one-on-one golf match between the two Tiger Woods.

    The match is set for one week from today at Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters Tournament, the most prestigious major tournament in golf and site of Woods’s first major win in 1997.  Tickets have already been sold out to the match, and ABC has secured the broadcast rights.

    But the meeting doesn’t come without potential danger.  Scientists and the International Time Court have warned that it’s unsafe for the two Woods to meet since ’97 Woods came to the present through a makeshift time machine made with unknown parts.  Time machines need to be calibrated just correctly or else disaster.

    “Tachyons are the particles that govern an atom’s movement through time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “It’s pretty complicated and heady stuff, but the gist of it is that time machines work by manipulating tachyons to flow forward or backward in time.  You’re essentially pulling those tachyons out of place and then putting them back into place, hopefully correctly.  If you don’t, the atoms become unstable, and regarding people, if the same person from different timelines coexist close enough, that could cause both to cease to exist, and I mean in the past as well as the present.  It’ll be like they never existed.”

    The PGA said they have a team of scientists examining ’97 Woods and the time machine that brought him here for just such an occurrence, and they said they’re confident nothing will happen.  But just to be safe, they plan on keeping the two Woods separated by at least 100 feet at all times.

    “Well, that’s fine,” said Dr. Amazing, “but why is he allowed to stay in the present?  I get everyone wants to see this golf game, but even if nothing happens, he’s still seen the future.  He’s already seen that the World Trade Center is gone and smart phones and so on.  He’s already seen himself in the future.  What happens when we send him back to his own time?  That’s going to reset the timestream!”

    The International Time Court is also concerned, and they’ve requested that Clancy McCarver, a.k.a. The Disruptor, be handed over to their jurisdiction.  They are reportedly working on a solution to return Tiger Woods to 1997 right after he arrived in the present.

    The PGA would not comment on that matter.

  • Legion of Adonis Returns to Defeat Dragons in England

    Legion of Adonis Returns to Defeat Dragons in England

    By Stan Hopewell

    LONDON – The Legion of Adonis returned to our universe last night to battle dragons which had invaded our dimension for unknown reasons.

    Twenty-three Adonises from parallel universes and our very own Adonis joined battle for the first time in eight years.  The Adonis from Earth-477, a magic user, was apparently beating back an army of dragons in his dimension when they grabbed one of his magic staffs.  Then, they started hopping to other dimensions.  Earth-477 Adonis pursued them, but as the dragon army grew with dragons from other Earths, he had to reform the Legion.

    The battle spilled over to our Earth in the woods of England.  Our Adonis was contacted by Earth-1,022 Adonis, the robot Adonis, and quickly flew to join his other selves.  When our Adonis entered the fray, hundreds of dragons were burning the countryside.  Five Adonises were trying to stop the dragons while another two were trying to contain the fires.  The rest of the dragons and Legion were in other dimensions but engaging in similar battles.

    Earth-24,044 Adonis, the ape Adonis, was the heaviest hitter of the bunch on our planet, and that’s no small feat considering there were seven other Adonises in the area.  He was able to down half of the dragons all by himself, while the others took down the rest.  At various points in the battle, all the dragons and Adonises were sucked into another dimension, and reportedly, all twenty-four Adonises fought the lead dragon together in the final battle.  Thankfully, no civilians were injured in the battle, but hundreds of houses, farms, and roads were destroyed.

    The reason for the dragons’ attacks were not revealed to the public, though sources inside the Peace Force mentioned a magical amulet in Earth-34 being a possible target.  The amulet used to reside in Earth-477 but was now in Earth-34, again for unknown reasons.  Given that Earth-477 Adonis’s magic staff requires precision magics to use, the dragons probably didn’t know how to hop to Earth-34.  Earth-477 Adonis came to suck the dragons back to another dimension where they wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

    The seven Adonises that appeared on our Earth were robot Adonis (Earth-1,022), ape Adonis (Earth-24,044), Egyptian Adonis (Earth-788), two white female Adonises (Earth-2 and Earth-90), one black female Adonis (Earth-3), and Mole Man Adonis (Earth-2,033).

  • Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

    Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – In one of the more bizarre events in a world full of bizarre events, two pairs of giant feet have begun to descend from the sky over the Australian Outback.

    The giant feet are human-looking but gray in color.  Estimates put them in the range of 5-10 miles in length and 10-20 miles above the ground, but officials have set up a perimeter around the feet, so more accurate measurements are difficult to obtain.  As if their sudden appearance wasn’t bizarre enough, no one can see to what the feet lead.

    “The feet go up into the sky,” said Jared Foster, one of the first to witness the feet, “and their ankles fade into the sky.  And they don’t seem to be moving, or if they are, they’re moving really slow.  It feels like they could just drop and land at any point, and it’s very unsettling.”

    The feet are also facing each other, which seems significant as well.  The Peace Force has sent superheroes to the upper atmosphere to see what is attached to the feet, but as viewed from the ground, they fade into nothing in the stratosphere.  The Peace Force also detected energy waves similar to portals but insist the energy is not dangerous or allowing anything else to come through along with the feet.

    “It seems like they’re coming through a portal,” said Professor Stratosphere, a reserve Peace Force member and expert on the upper atmosphere and portals.  “But it appears to be contained to just their bodies, which is remarkable.  Portals are rarely this clean.  And they are still coming out of the portal, too.  Just very slowly.  I don’t know who these creatures are, but I hope they’re benevolent because they are incredibly enormous.”

    The Peace Force will station several members in Australia to assist with the local government in assessing the danger posed by the giant feet, especially if they were to land at any point.  How they suddenly appeared out of nowhere is another mystery, but storms blew across the continent for the past three days, and that probably provided cover.  It’s unknown whether the storms and the feet are related.

    As for how fast the feet are traveling through the portal, “It’s about one meter every 6 hours,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “Assuming that’s a constant rate, it could take decades for the beings to finally make it all the way through their portals.  That also assumes their bodies are in proportion to their feet and our estimates to their heights are correct.  For all we know, they could be dwarves.”

    “Yes, dwarf giants.  I get how that’s humorous.  It wasn’t a joke.”

  • Reformed Villain, Maze Man, Opens Island Resort, Promises It’s Not a Trap

    Reformed Villain, Maze Man, Opens Island Resort, Promises It’s Not a Trap

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    By Falco Rockbert

    MAZE ISLAND, Caribbean Sea – Reformed supervillain, Maze Man, a.k.a. Maximillian Mazerly, has been cleaning up his act for the past 15 years.  He’s designed mazes for over 30 theme parks around the world, and despite a track record of putting death traps in his mazes, not a single person has been harmed by these new mazes.

    Now, Mazerly has opened his own island resort, Maze Island, and he promises it’s not a death trap.

    “I know my past better than anyone else,” he said.  “There has been countless injuries in my mazes, and I’ve paid my debt to society for them.  But no one has ever died in one of my mazes, and that’s something I pride myself on.  Sure, my mazes have driven a certain number of people to go insane, but no one has died.”

    For the record, 18 people, including superhero Wave Man, have been institutionalized from entering Mazerly’s mazes over the past 30 years, and all of them still need psychiatric help to this day.

    “And I know I used to employ ‘death traps,’” he continued, “but did anyone actually die?  No, of course not.  I’m a genius maze maker, not a genius death trap maker.  Those were just obstacles for superheroes, especially for El Toro.  He was just the best at solving them.”

    To appease the fears people might have in coming to an island resort designed by the famed Maze Man himself, especially one with 12 mazes on it, Mazerly invited El Toro to examine his resort last month.  El Toro couldn’t find any sign of death traps, and he reported only two mazes might cause insanity, but Mazerly had put warning signs at their entrances.

    The mazes come in the form of hedge mazes, pyramid mazes, castle mazes, a corn maze, and a maze that can only be solved with a helicopter.  Mazerly didn’t give an explanation for how some of his mazes worked, leaving that up to his guests.

    “It wouldn’t be any fun if I told you how to solve them,” he said.  “Some are straight-forward, for the average guest, but for the true maze enthusiasts, I give no instruction.  Sometimes, I don’t point out where the entrance is.”

    “And again, I promise, no death traps.”