The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Ask Julia

  • Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

    Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Hello, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Bobby from way out in Carterson.

    How does magic work?  We all turned to barbarians.  I don’t know what that means, but my dad said it’s like Lord of the Rings, and I don’t really know what that is ether [sic].  What is Lord of the Rings?

    Well, Bobby, you got two questions in at once!  Normally, I don’t allow it, but I think I can help you out here anyway.  I’ll answer your second question first.  The Lord of the Rings is a series of books written by J.R.R. Tolkien, and they were later turned into movies by Peter Jackson.  It’s a fantasy adventure about hobbits, elves, and wizards, and it’s a total hoot!  Ask your dad to let you in on the fun sometime!

    Now, how does magic work?  The simple answer is no one really knows.  That is if you only ask scientists who certainly acknowledge its existence but don’t agree that it’s really magical.  Most scientists agree that “magicians” are tapping into some unknown radiation or alternate dimensions.  They theorize that these unknown things have their own scientific properties that affect our own world in unique ways.  We just don’t understand how it works yet, so we call it “magic.”  British science fiction author, Arthur C. Clarke, is famous for saying, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” and many scientists take this stance.

    That’s just a roundabout way of saying, “I don’t know.”  All the incantations, weird symbols, fancy clothes, and jazz hands mean diddly-squat to me!  My personal feeling is to not bother worrying about magic because I’m not a wizard and there’s no way for me to stop whatever weird magic from happening.

    But to give magicians, wizards, and witches their due, I reached out to some friendly magic-casters for their input.  Unfortunately, none of them were willing to talk on record about how they do the voodoo that they do.  The best I got was from a witch in Cleveland, who only goes by “Claire”.

    “Basically, it’s like tapping into mystical forces or something,” she said.  “Specific hand gestures and symbols work best, though having a magical object helps us to focus.  And that’s about as much as I can tell you because, to be fully honest, even I don’t completely understand what’s going on here.  Half the time my spells have the exact opposite effect or summon a bear for some reason.  And that’s on a good day.”

    So in other words, your guess is as good as mine, Bobby!

  • Ask Julia: I Have an Alien Girlfriend, I Think

    Ask Julia: I Have an Alien Girlfriend, I Think

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, Earthlings!  Today’s question comes from “Jacob” from “an undisclosed location”.

    Okay, so I started dating my girlfriend about three months ago, and so far, everything’s been great.  But lately, she’s been sneaking out at night when we’re together, and she comes back covered in dirt, jittery, and her eyes are completely black with some weird symbol in them.  I’ve finally confronted her about this a couple nights ago, and she confessed that she’s an alien princess on the run from an enemy her planet has been fighting for millennia, and she’s going out at night to “deal” with them.  She won’t tell me more than that, and I’m not sure I believe it, but the eye thing is freaking me out.

    So, my question is:  where can I go to get information about alien civilizations?  I just want to verify her story, you know, because I really like her, and I hope she isn’t crazy or something.  Thanks!

    Well, this wasn’t where I thought this question was going, so first off, good on you, “Jacob,” for sticking by your girlfriend and her…extracurricular activities!

    Now the answer to your question is a bit tricky.  There are literally millions of alien civilizations out there, and Earth has only experienced a fraction of them.  Any information source is likely going to be incomplete or focus on a few planets.

    That said, I’d recommend visiting the New Romford University Library first.  I know kids these days love to find things online, but a good old trip to the library has never hurt anybody.  Talk to some of the librarians there as the NRU Library has a whole section devoted to extraterrestrial books.  They’ll be able to direct you to the most current and reliable scholarship of alien civilizations.

    Next, I’d recommend visiting the Peace Force Museum.  Superheroes fight aliens on a regular basis, and they have an extensive archive of alien battle that includes photos and film.  You might find something there, but if you stay too long, security will get suspicious.

    Another possibility, though this is a long shot, would be to write Dr. Amazing or the Peace Force directly.  Bear in mind that if you do, they will likely investigate your girlfriend, and she probably won’t be your girlfriend anymore.

    Or you could try believing her!  We live in a very active universe, and we get a lot of extraterrestrial activity here.  If her eyes are going black and showing a symbol, she may be telling the truth.  Good luck!

  • Ask Julia: Why Don’t Superpeople Proclaim Themselves Anymore?

    Ask Julia: Why Don’t Superpeople Proclaim Themselves Anymore?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Behold!  I am your intrepid question-answerer, the Wise and Wonderful Julia Crumpleman!  Fellow inquisitive citizens submit their curious queries to me, and I seek out the rightful and true answers in this colossal column called Ask Julia!  Today’s question comes a truth seeker named Karla from Bradenton:

    Hey, Julia.  So my Dad and I were talking about superpeople back in his day (the 50s and 60s), and he remembers superpeople (both heroes and villains) being more verbose back then.  They would proclaim very loudly who they were and what they were doing.  It was a thing.  But now, superpeople don’t really do that anymore.  Is there a reason for this?  Thanks!

    Great question, Karla!  Superpeople are definitely quieter today in comparison to the Silver Age, and I wrote that introductory paragraph in that verbose style for fun, and I think I can see why they’ve largely stopped doing it:  it’s hard!

    I had to stop and think about my words as I was trying to punch up every little phrase.  That paragraph took me about five minutes to write, and I’m at my desk with a cup of coffee, my cat napping on the window sill, and all the time in the world (well, as much time as I have with deadlines).  Bottom line, I could take the time to write that paragraph, and I don’t know how the Silver Age folks did it while fighting or committing crimes.

    Doug Carville, who was known as the Phantom Racer from 1968-1973, is a good friend of mine, so I asked him how this trend got started.

    “It was just a different time,” he said.  “It’s like how movies and TV characters sounded a certain way back then.  It was the style of the time.”

    “You really have to look back at the Golden Age,” he continued.  “That’s where that style of proclaiming things really started, and back then, there were so few superheroes, I think people just got into the habit of hyping themselves up.  I think the original Speedster was the most prominent one at the time, and he was a real show-offy type of guy.  Then after the war, superheroes had a lull, and when they did come back, they copied the Golden Age guys as a way to make a name for themselves.  That’s why you got so many people yelling who they were and what they were doing.  Heck, I even did that for a while.”

    “As with movies and TV,” Carville continued, “things evolved.  That language took time to come up with, and people just got tired of it.  Tired of thinking it up, tired of saying it, tired of hearing it.  Now, the internet can tell you everything you need to know about superheroes, so why bother proclaiming things anymore?”

    And that seems about right to me.  Thanks, Doug!  And thank you, Karla, for the great question!

  • Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings once again, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Omoye in Cloonyn.

    Hi, whenever aliens come to Earth, they’re always wearing universal translators.  They’re able to speak to us in our language, and the humans with them wear those things, too.  They seem really useful for aliens, but why don’t we have those on Earth?  They’d be a lot of help!

    Omoye, you’re onto something here!  Just speaking for myself, I’d love to have a universal translator so I could travel more without the fear of being misunderstood.  Also, I wouldn’t have to try and learn a new language.  But to your question, I had to ask an alien communications expert.  Luckily, we have a few here in town.

    “It’s largely a matter of politics,” said Randy Newman (not the singer-songwriter), who works at city hall as the city’s alien liaison.  “Most Earth governments are wary of using alien technology, especially after the Jrats attacked in 1983.  They presented themselves as allies and look what happened in Chicago.  Even though some technologies like nanotechnology, smart phones, and Crocs have certainly benefited human lives, it comes down in trickles.  It has to go through so much red tape before it can even really be used by research labs and companies.”

    “And that’s not even talking about the brain wave manipulation.  That really freaks people out.”

    Universal translators, at least the ones humans have come across, have to manipulate the user’s brain waves in order to translate a foreign language into one the user knows.  “This is no small feat, mind you,” said Eva Broadstone, a language expert at ATOM Labs.  “Your ears catch sound waves and transmit them to your brain, and your brain, in essence, translates those sounds into meaningful speech.  Universal translators intercept your brain waves as they start to interpret speech and alter them, turning them into your native language, which is another process in itself.  It’s a complicated process.”

    The latest NRU poll from last year showed that 65% of humans are distrustful of aliens and their technology, and a whopping 84% didn’t want their brain waves altered by aliens either.  While universal translators can’t mind control someone, for instance, gaining the trust of the general public is the biggest hurdle to bringing these amazing devices to Earth.

    Sorry, Omoye!

  • Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

    Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow history buffs!  Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown.

    So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking.  Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history?  I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past.

    Julia, that is a fantastic question!  It’s one I’ve often wondered about from time to time, so I did a little digging.  Unfortunately, I don’t think time travel archaeology expeditions are going to happen (at least not often).

    Despite how often time travel seems to happen, the majority of time travels occur from one of our many futures.  According to the State Department’s statistics, 76 of the known 126 time travels are of this kind of travel.  Someone from one of our many futures comes to our present.  Only about 40% of all time travels begin from our time.

    Even so, that’s still 50 time travels.  That’s a lot, right?  It is, but you have to look at who took those travels and where.  19 were taken by The Amazings alone in their many adventures; 12 were taken by supervillain Herr Gerfahr; and 8 were taken by the Peace Force or one of their enemies.  That’s 39 of the time travels, and the other 11 are various superheroes, supervillains, aliens, space monsters, and Dark Lords.  None of these time travelers teach at a university.

    The fact is that time travel takes up massive amounts of electricity to open a time portal.  The exact amount is classified, but it’s an insanely large amount.  Dr. Amazing was quoted, back in 1983, that one hour of time travel (that is, going back in time one hour) takes “about as much energy as a nuclear power plant produces in a day”.  That’s a lot, but it also depends on the model of time machine.  Ones built within the last ten years use about a fiftieth of those models from the 80s, but the length of time travel increases the amount of power needed.  Today, you can travel back a little over two days into the past on the same amount of power that a 1980s machine needed to go back one hour.  It’s still a lot of energy, and energy is expensive.

    Dr. Amazing gets grants from the government and money from patents and speaking engagements to power his time machine (and, reportedly, a highly-experimental energy source).  The Peace Force has wealthy investors, although their time jaunts are made on a case-by-case basis.  And Herr Gerfahr is evil.  The only other way to time travel would be through someone’s superpower or magical ability, or by finding a wormhole by chance, but again, none of these are readily available to historians and archaeologists.

    And that’s not even taking into account any time paradoxes and alterations from time travel.  Trust me, those will give you headaches.

    So, for now, we’ll have to stick with the old-fashioned methods, Julia.

     

  • Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow humans!  Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills:

    I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well?

    Well, Pablo, you’re in luck!  The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz.  I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response.  (Space is vast, and emails can only travel so fast.  Oh, that rhymed!)

    “Superheroes” as a concept is a hard one for a non-Earthling like myself to understand.  What defines a “superhero” on Earth can be ambiguous.  One doesn’t need superpowers above and beyond a non-powered human, but a costume is generally required.  Even then, it’s not easy to define as some superheroes wear the traditional garb of their homeland.  Being a “superhero” appears to be a notional concept.  The Earth saying “I know it when I see it” seems to be the only reliable measure here.

    From what I’ve gathered from visiting and studying hundreds of planets and their cultures, there are always heroes and inspirational figures.  Like Earth, they have their great leaders, rulers, messiahs, and tycoons, normal members of their race that rise above their peers (apart from the breed-pod cultures of the outer Carminni Galaxy who have been breeding clones of one or two individuals for the past few millennia).  My planet, Minax, has several of these figures, but none of them have powers beyond me or wear costumes beyond our current styles.  By Earth definitions, we don’t have superheroes.

    I’d say the same goes for most planets, but again, the term “superhero” is an Earth term that can’t be applied to other planets.  Everyone on planet Meerillee can fly, shoot lasers from their eyes, have super-strength, and speak 700 languages with ease, but none of that would constitute superpowers in their society anymore than walking on two feet would be a superpower on Earth.

    I suppose the term “superhero” could also be applied to anyone who goes above and beyond for the greater good.  I’ve heard many Earthlings speak of superheroes in this way because even supervillains have powers and colorful costumes.  It matters what individuals do, and there’s something appealing about this to many cultures.  If we used this definition, then there certainly are superheroes on every planet, including mine.  That’s harder to define, of course, but that is the best I can do, Pablo.  I hope that answers your question.

    Thanks, Karna!  That was a very thoughtful reply and a good reminder that we can all be superheroes in our daily lives if we so choose.  (Though I wouldn’t mind being a Meerillee-ian!)

  • Ask Julia: What About ‘The Gator’?

    Ask Julia: What About ‘The Gator’?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    profgatorWith New Romford still recuperating from the Dino-Day Disaster, I debated when I’d return to doing this column.  After all, there are much more pressing things to do, but that hasn’t stopped readers from sending me questions.  For any questions regarding the clean-up and recovery effort, please contact your local authorities and crisis management office.  They will be able to help you.

    Then it occurred to me that if I could provide some light distraction from our recent plight, why not do it?  So I picked one of the lighter questions and got a surprisingly pleasant response.  This question comes from Aaron in Carterson:

    Hey Julia, I was wondering what happened to Professor Gator at NRU?  Did he change into a dinosaur too?

    Aaron, I’m glad you asked because I hadn’t thought of it until now!  Furthermore, I wonder what happened to our extraterrestrial citizens.  They aren’t from Earth and would have no connection to dinosaurs.  Perhaps we’ll find out in time, but for now, I got the pleasure to speak with Professor Alan Guinness, a.k.a. “The Gator” or “Professor Gator”, about his experience.  Here’s what he had to say:

    Oh, ho ho, no I didn’t turn into a dinosaur, at least not what most people would think of when you say dinosaur.  I actually turned into an ancient version of an alligator.  From the best I could tell, I turned into a Deinosuchus riograndensis, basically a giant old alligator from the Cretaceous period.  I tripled in size, so I was about 30-35 feet long, and I wasn’t able to walk on two legs.

    It was a unique experience to say the least.  I was in my lab, which, thankfully, can hold a 30-foot long creature without much damage.  I was able to crawl out the door to see what was happening, but I really wasn’t able to do much other than destroy things with my tail by accident.  It was such a cumbersome thing.

    Thankfully, not much happened at my part of the campus.  The Dino Army wasn’t interested in us, apparently, so some of the professors and I kept the students together and took time studying ourselves.  I mean, how often do you get to study living, breathing dinosaurs up close and literally in person?  Once we got some food in us, we had a grand old time.  We gathered so much information on how dinosaurs walk, eat, and live.  I only wish we had hands so we could’ve written it all down, but we did the best we could.

    There you have it, Aaron!  I’m glad that someone was able to find something positive about the DDD, and Professor Guinness is just the alligator to do it.