The New Romford Free Press

Tag: cocoons

  • Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

    Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

    By Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – The 20 glowing cocoons, or pods depending on your definition, that were fished out of the Hudson River hatched yesterday.  The beings who emerged were peaceful refugees from the planet Xaggar, or at least they were until the superheroes punched them.

    Dr. Kimiko Kashani of Columbia University had been monitoring the glowing pods in her laboratory, and yesterday, the beings inside emerged from what were actually organic escape pods.  They were green and red plant-like beings from the planet Xaggar, and they were fleeing from a devastating war.  “Everything was calm and peaceful when they emerged,” said Dr. Kashani.  “They had learned English through some form of auditory osmosis while in my lab, and they were all just so relieved to be safe.”

    “ And then General Murdoch’s superheroes burst in and began punching them.”

    General Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General of questionable legal standing, must have had someone on the inside, spying on the pods, because they attacked only 10 minutes after the Xaggarians emerged.  His special ops squad, the Black Force, this time consisted of two strongmen, a man with laser blasts, and a ninja.  They began to subdue the scientists and the Xaggarians, and it looked like the Black Force had everything under control.

    Then, the Xaggarians got mad and fused into one giant, 30-foot tall Xaggarian.

    The giant broke the arms of the man with laser blasts and threw one of the strongmen into the Atlantic.  The other strongman tried his best to fight the giant but was no match for the Xaggarian.  He was also thrown into the Atlantic.  The ninja, having no superpowers, disappeared without a fight.

    The giant Xaggarian was still enraged and turned towards the scientists.  Dr. Kashani tried to explain this wasn’t her fault and she really did want to help, but the giant had none of it.  It thanked Kashani, sprouted wings, and flew away.

    “If it weren’t for that pig-headed General Murdoch,” said Kashani, “none of this would’ve ever happened.  They were peaceful.  They wanted nothing more than to find a safe place to live.  Then he comes in, attacks them, and they fight back.  What do he think was going to happen?”

    The Coast Guard fished out the two strongmen, and they, along with the man with the laser blasts, were arrested by the military for an unauthorized military on U.S. soil.  Neither the General nor the ninja could be found, but the military is searching for them.  As for the giant Xaggarian, it flew north, and witnesses spotted the giant land somewhere in the Adirondacks.  Later, hikers spotted several pairs of foot tracks of an unearthly shape.

  • Glowing Cocoons Found in Hudson River

    Glowing Cocoons Found in Hudson River

    By Chase Chapley

    NEW YORK – Twenty cocoons were found in the bottom of the Hudson River off the coast of Manhattan this morning, and of course they were glowing.

    A Circle Line captain saw a faint glow in the water and called the police.  The NYPD, along with Titana’s help, fished twenty cocoons out of the river.  Glowing green and then red, the cocoons were each about the size of a car.

    The cocoons were taken to the laboratory of Dr. Kimiko Kashani, a professor of alien and mutant physiology at Columbia University.  “Early tests so far show no signs of hatching any time soon,” she said, “but until I run more tests, it’s too soon to say what’s inside.”  When asked about the glowing, she said, “That’s pretty normal for giant cocoons, really.  It’s just bioluminescence, you know, to scare off predators.  Nothing unusual, really.”

    But not everyone is so convinced that they’re safe.  “Glowing pods?” yelled General Kurt Murdoch, outspoken 4-star general of the U.S. Army with questionable legal standing in said army.  “Last time I came across a glowing pod,” he said, “was 1988, and out came Omnimoth, a 200 foot tall psychic humanoid moth, who took out half of Kansas City.  And that was just the last glowing pod.”

    “Well, yes, that was bad,” said Dr. Kashani.  “But that was a single gigantic pod, and it was radioactive, but most pods, or cocoons, aren’t like this.  These  aren’t radioactive, and we’re not getting any psychic residue from them.  I’ve been studying giant pods all my life, and whatever is hatching inside them sure aren’t going to be anything we can’t handle.  I also have the Amazings helping to study and contain whatever’s inside.”

    “Burn them with fire,” yelled General Murdoch.  “Burn them with fire now!”

    The NYPD and Columbia University aren’t going to burn them with fire any time soon while they continue to study and investigate the cocoons.  At the very least, they need to find out where they came from, said the NYPD. General Murdoch has been ordered to stay out of New York and New Jersey for the foreseeable future.