The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Dr. Amazing

Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

By Muffy Borgeron

The three scientists stuck in the adhesive, KR-1078, for the past several months have finally been freed thanks to Dr. Amazing and an alternate dimension.

Scientists Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll were caught in an experiment gone wrong several months ago while testing out the new adhesive designated KR-1078. While being stuck in the adhesive, in awkward, uncomfortable positions, they’ve been cared for by service robots, and they’ve even continued their work, albeit without the use of their hands by and large. ATOM Labs has been looking for a solution to no success.

But dealing with the Breach in Los Angeles gave Dr. Amazing an idea. “Portals,” he said. “I’ve been having portals to other dimensions on my mind for a while now, and it just clicked. When I got home from LA, I went right to work on a new gizmo.”

That gizmo is a handheld device that opens and closes a portal to a pocket dimension with the flip of a switch. Using this “interdimensional chipper,”Dr. Amazing was able to chip away the adhesive bit by bit. The only downside is that the process took ten days.

“It takes an incredible amount of power to open a portal, even of a small size as the chipper,” said Dr. Amazing. “Add into that opening and closing it over and over again, and I think we’ve used more power in ten days than ATOM Labs uses in a year, and that’s saying something.”

Regardless, the scientists were grateful to regain partial mobility over the ten days. Professors Detroit and Doll were able to sit upright finally, and Professor Michaelson was able to use the toilet all by himself again. While the chipper was able to get the big chunks of the adhesive off, the small chunks could not be removed with any sort of precision. Since those were on the scientists’ clothes, they were able to simply undress.

“I’m just so grateful to be able to walk on my own two feet,” said Detroit. “I’ve never realized how much I could miss walking.”

“I can’t believe how good it feels to feed myself,” said Doll. “The robots mean well, but they don’t really understand that chewing takes time.”

“I’ve never thought I could ever miss toilets in my life, yet here I am,” said Michaelson.

ATOM Labs has the remnants of KR-1078 is stasis fields as it’s still incredibly sticky. The floor has been torn up to remove the portions still stuck on the floor, and the rest in the pocket dimension are being closely monitored. In the meantime, the three scientists have been given the next month off to recuperate.

January 3, 2017
’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National.

A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars. The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other. As the match progressed, ’97 Tiger was winning by a wide margin, and Present Tiger became frustrated. He broke away from his security guards and threw his club at ’97 Tiger before being tackled by security guards.

’97 Tiger kept that club, and it had a message inscribed on it. Reportedly, the message involves a date and some letters, but the significance of the message is unknown. But, apparently, it meant something to the younger Tiger.

“And now he can’t go back,” said Dr. Amazing in a press conference. “I don’t know how this happened. In all my years of time travel, gaining future knowledge has never prevented a time traveler from going back in time. Actually, with time travel, terms like ‘past,’ ‘present,’ and ‘future’ don’t really have much meaning as everything is relative to the traveler in question, but regardless, this is new to me! Which is exciting, for me, the scientist. It’s probably not as exciting to the Woodses. Or to the fabric of spacetime.”

Somehow, the message prevented ’97 Tiger from returning to the past, but equally puzzling, his unableness to return to his timeline hasn’t affected our timeline. We think.

“That’s another funny thing about time travel,” said Dr. Amazing. “If you’re not the time traveler or in some sort of time bubble, you never realize that the timeline has been reset. You just don’t experience it because you’re part of the timeline, so you have always experienced the timeline as it was. We’ve all been part of several alternate timelines over the years, but we only remember this one we’re in now. So if the ’97 Tiger can’t go home, as it were, then maybe this is just how our timeline is supposed to be going forward. Or not!”

Everyone in the press conference was mighty confused.

Regardless, the ’97 Tiger doesn’t seem to know the significance of the message, and Present Tiger isn’t responding to questions about the message. So for now, the Tiger Woods of the year 1997 is stuck in the present. The PGA will likely add him to the tour.

December 6, 2016
’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while.

After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time. Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the PGA offices as part of a big send-off for the young Tiger Woods, and of course, it was televised. It was a two-hour long special, highlighting the golfer’s achievements and journey into his future. Then, they sent him off into the time portal.

And he bounced back.

The time portal wouldn’t accept ’97 Tiger for some reason. No amount of fiddling with the controls or pushing Tiger into the portal could make him go away. He was apparently stuck here.

“I don’t understand what’s going on, really,” said Dr. Amazing, the world’s foremost expert on time travel. “And if I’m saying that, then you know it’s really unusual. I’ve tried every setting and every possible avenue, and nothing. He’s stuck here, I guess?”

The broadcast was cut off, and the young Tiger was reportedly whisked away for testing. The PGA said they were having “technical difficulties” and would have “the good, young Tiger back to his time in no time.”

After the examination, Dr. Amazing only gave a brief assessment of the situation to a room full of reporters. “We’re still working on the matter,” he said. “But we have some ideas, and we’re going to test them all out. There’s no, uh, time table for this right now, and other time-related words and phrases.” Clearly flustered by all of the reporters, Dr. Amazing flattened himself into a thin sheet of himself and scooted himself under a locked door.

The present-day Tiger was asked for comment on the situation but did not respond.

October 18, 2016
‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it.

The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined). Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s have scored lucrative endorsement deals, and EA Sports is already working on a special DLC for all of their golf games to allow players to play the “Tiger v. Tiger” match. ABC, ESPN, and The Golf Channel will broadcast the match with advertisement spots rivaling those of the Super Bowl, and Augusta National is selling tickets in the tens of thousands.

All of this without a word from present-day Tiger Woods confirming that he will partake in this match.

“This thing gets weirder by the hour,” said ESPN anchor, Scott Van Pelt. “You’d think present Tiger would have released a statement by now if he was against it. Yet he’s not stopping it, which begs the question, how much is he getting paid to play his younger self?”

“And I can’t believe I just uttered those words just now. Bonkers.”

Rumors from people inside the present-day Woods camp is that he will be paid handsomely for this match. They put the payment at $200 million “at least.” Considering present-day Woods’s dwindling career, it’s not hard to imagine him taking the check even if the circumstances are strange.

As for ’97 Woods, PGA representatives have reportedly kept him busy practicing at an undisclosed location. They’ve kept him away from the news as best they could but have indulged him by letting him play with an iPad. Sources said that while he’s confused by this experience, he’s “in good spirits.”

Once again, no one is listening to the scientists.

“Listen, I know that people from different time periods meet each other all the time,” said Dr. Amazing. “I know I’ve met at least a dozen of me. But I’ve studied the time machine that brought the younger Woods to the present, and it’s a mess of a time machine. Tachyons are all jumbled together, the chronometer is miscalibrated, and I can’t even tell what some of these particles its emitting right now, and I’m Dr. Amazing. Putting these two anywhere near each other without a full analysis, which may take months, is playing Russian roulette with spacetime.”

“I have a time machine in my lab, for pete’s sake. I can send the younger Woods back home right now.”

The PGA said they “understood Dr. Amazing’s concerns,” but also they “have everything under control.”

April 1, 2016
Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

By Chase Chapley

Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea. The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked. The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.

Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars. Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19^th floor. He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.

Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods. Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2. The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face. He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.

Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand. When the C Train left the 56^th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions. This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times. Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate. Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here. Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service. They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult. For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”

February 12, 2016
Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – Despite warnings from scientists that a time anomaly might occur, the PGA has set a one-on-one golf match between the two Tiger Woods.

The match is set for one week from today at Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters Tournament, the most prestigious major tournament in golf and site of Woods’s first major win in 1997. Tickets have already been sold out to the match, and ABC has secured the broadcast rights.

But the meeting doesn’t come without potential danger. Scientists and the International Time Court have warned that it’s unsafe for the two Woods to meet since ’97 Woods came to the present through a makeshift time machine made with unknown parts. Time machines need to be calibrated just correctly or else disaster.

“Tachyons are the particles that govern an atom’s movement through time,” said Dr. Amazing. “It’s pretty complicated and heady stuff, but the gist of it is that time machines work by manipulating tachyons to flow forward or backward in time. You’re essentially pulling those tachyons out of place and then putting them back into place, hopefully correctly. If you don’t, the atoms become unstable, and regarding people, if the same person from different timelines coexist close enough, that could cause both to cease to exist, and I mean in the past as well as the present. It’ll be like they never existed.”

The PGA said they have a team of scientists examining ’97 Woods and the time machine that brought him here for just such an occurrence, and they said they’re confident nothing will happen. But just to be safe, they plan on keeping the two Woods separated by at least 100 feet at all times.

“Well, that’s fine,” said Dr. Amazing, “but why is he allowed to stay in the present? I get everyone wants to see this golf game, but even if nothing happens, he’s still seen the future. He’s already seen that the World Trade Center is gone and smart phones and so on. He’s already seen himself in the future. What happens when we send him back to his own time? That’s going to reset the timestream!”

The International Time Court is also concerned, and they’ve requested that Clancy McCarver, a.k.a. The Disruptor, be handed over to their jurisdiction. They are reportedly working on a solution to return Tiger Woods to 1997 right after he arrived in the present.

The PGA would not comment on that matter.

January 29, 2016
LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – While Governor Jerry Brown has called a state of emergency for southern California, the residents of the new Greater Los Angeles Nations have dug in their heels for the long haul.

The nations simply called Cat People and Dog People are predictably at war with each other. Both nations reside in the quadrangle between the 710 & 605 and the 91 & 405, comprising a large portion of the cities of Long Beach and Lakewood. Divided down the middle by Lakewood Blvd, the Cat People live on the west while the Dog People live on the east. It’s not known how each nation became based on the love of feline and canine pets, but their natural rivalries quickly coalesced into a feud.

Their battles have raged since day one as each vie for territory across Lakewood Blvd. The Lakewood Center mall, which lies on the eastern side of the border in Dog People territory, is a hotbed for attacks from the Cat People as it has a Costco, Target, and Macy’s. The Lakewood Regional Medical Center lies on the western side of the border, and the Dog People regularly let their canines loose to distract the doctors while they steal medical supplies. The biggest hot spot in the Long Beach Airport as one of its runways crosses the border into Dog People territory. Last night, thirty-five people were injured when the Dog People tried to gain more runway. Ultimately, they failed, and tensions remain high.

Meanwhile, more information has come in as to what exactly “The Breach” is, and apparently, there’s a 3-mile long tear in the fabric of spacetime from Brentwood to the Sunset Strip “hovering” ominously in the sky. People who stare at the tear reportedly “see the cosmic truth of reality,” or at least, that’s what they chant 24 hours a day as they can’t turn away from The Breach. So far, nothing has come through The Breach, and no one knows how it tore open.

But the big question is where are the superheroes? The West Coast Peace Force is still in space, and the East Coast Peace Force has their hands full with everything else going on in the world. The most powerful local heroes work for the WCPF, so only the street-level heroes are around, and they seem to be trying to maintain peace rather than solve the gridlock.

Dr. Amazing has been called in to help solve the problem, but help may take a while to get there as he’s currently stuck in a pocket dimension with Micro-Man.

October 9, 2015