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‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

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by Dash Hamley

AUGUSTA, Georgia – The well-marketed and dubious golf match, “Tiger vs. Tiger,” took place today at Augusta National, and it ended with the present-day Tiger Woods being tackled by security for charging at his younger self.

The day began with excitement as tens of thousands of fans poured in and around Augusta National to try and catch a glimpse of either Tiger.  ABC, ESPN, and the Golf Channel had round-the-clock coverage of the match between the ’97 Tiger Woods and the present day Tiger Woods, reporting from every possible angle.  Given the danger of the two Tigers meeting, security was at an all-time high for a golf match.  Each Tiger had 20 security personnel surrounding them at all times, and they were instructed to stay at least 200 feet apart from each other.

’97 Tiger teed off first and birdied on the first hole.  He went to the second hole and hit par.  Then, the present-day Tiger teed off on the first hole.  He bogeyed on the first hole, and he stayed two holes behind his younger self at all times.

Until the 10th hole.

By this time, ’97 Tiger was up seven strokes.  The crowd was rowdy, unusual for a golf match, and footage from the match showed a stark difference in the crowd’s reaction to the golfers.  ’97 Tiger was getting thunderous applause.  Present-day Tiger was getting polite clapping, and it was getting to him.

At the end of the 10th hole, present-day Tiger was visibly angry.  He said something to his caddy, grabbed one of his woods, and bolted into the crowd.  His security detail was caught off guard, and his caddy held them off for a couple minutes.  Present-day Tiger swung his club back and forth, clearing a path for himself.  Then he made it to the 13th hole, where ’97  Tiger was getting ready to tee off.

The security guards tackled the present-day Tiger, who threw his club at his younger self.  The guards piled on him, blocking ’97 Tiger’s view of his future self, and then they whisked ’97 Tiger away from the course.  ’97 Tiger was not injured by the thrown club, but he reportedly left the course with it.

Naturally, the match was canceled, but it was clear that ’97 Tiger had won.  Present-day Tiger was reportedly taken out of Augusta National in an unmarked vehicle, and the PGA would not comment on the situation.  The fate of ’97 Tiger was not commented on at this moment either, despite the PGA’s insistence he’d be returned to his time after the match.

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