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LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

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Image from the movie Escape from L.A.

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – Famous Actor, Kurt Russell, has apparently been helping people escape from Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, and yes, he realizes how that sounds.

“I can’t believe he’s actually doing this,” said Roger McCormick, who was helped out of the LA Gridlock by Russell.  “I asked him, ‘Seriously?  You’re doing this?’  And he was like, ‘Yeah yeah, I know.  Come on, you want to get out of here, right?’  It was wild, man.  Just wild.”

According to those who escaped LA, Russell was in his Beverly Hills home when the Gridlock happened, and his fellow actors and Hollywood cohorts asked him to get them out of the city.  They knew how well he researched his film roles.  It took some convincing, but Russell revealed that he knew how to escape the city through a serious of underground tunnels, which turned out to be mostly sewers and the subway, but they did lead out of the city.  Along the way, he met several non-Hollywood elites in the sewers, and he knew his mission.

“We live in Anaheim when this all started,” said Rosa Marquez.  “My son and I were driven into hiding by the Terminator Gangs, and we got mixed up with some other people who took us underground.  We were lost immediately, and after a day of wandering, we ran into Kurt Russell of all people.  He said he’d take us to safety, and even in those sewers, his blue eyes pierced through you to your soul.  I just knew he’d get us to safety.”

Russell has led over 3,000 people to the Free Lands northwest of LA.  Relief workers have been setup there for the past week, providing shelter for escapees.  Each time Russell appears with new escapees, crowds form and chant his name.  He takes the praise in stride, cleaning and resting up for each new rescue mission.  After getting refueled and taking selfies, Russell heads back underground.

“Man, the man is non-stop,” said Erin Churn.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap.  He just keeps moving.  It’s incredible.”

“I don’t know why he wears the eye-patch though.  I mean, I know why, but still.”