by Falco Rockbert
Geneva – The world’s dictators released a joint statement to promote the good things they do for their nations. “We do more than just make the trains run on time,” said the statement, and the rest of the statement promoted their marginal improvements in human rights (“Political prisoner rates have dropped 15% in the past five years.”), technological advancements (“We have upgraded all of our computers to DSL modems.”), and potato yields (“We had fewer blights.”). The statement was released to the United Nations, who were not impressed.
Garbage Island, Pacific Ocean – Somehow, a group of 40 people are now living on the garbage island in the Pacific. They were discovered by a freighter that happened to sail past them, and the people waved to the ship. Thinking they were in need of help, the freighter went to help them aboard, but only three people took them up on their offer. They had come to the garbage island of their own accord and preferred to live there in their makeshift shanty town. A man named Carlos Montana was their leader, and he led his “followers” to this island for a “fresh start.” Montana denied that he started a cult, but given 40-some people followed him to live on the garbage island, the freighter captain was certain this was a cult. The three who boarded his ship more or less confirmed his suspicion but did not want to speak to the media. Surprisingly, the garbage island was sturdy and cohesive enough to support so many people and their shanty town, but their attempts at growing corn, sassafras, and kiwi fruit were “utter failures,” according to the captain. When he noticed that some garbage islanders began to eat the garbage, he stopped trying to convince the cult to board his ship and left.
LIVERPOOL – The ghosts of the Beatles have appeared all around Liverpool in the past week, which is weird since not all of the Beatles are dead. Witnesses have reported that John, Paul, George, and Ringo walking around town and looking like their younger mop-topped selves from the early 60s. They don’t interact with anyone or seem to notice when they’re about to get hit by cars. When they do run into something, they phase through the object like it wasn’t there. Scientists’ current theory is that these Beatles are from the 60s, and somehow we’re seeing them through a ripple in spacetime. Or at least they hope that’s what is happening. Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are aware of the situation, and neither has any compunction to check this out firsthand.