The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Dr. Amazing

  • Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Arleen resident, Terry Upton, was found safe today after he was sucked into a pocket dimension from a Snuggie he bought two days ago.

    ATOM Lab scientists examined the Snuggie portal in their facility with the aid of Dr. Amazing.  Upton was sucked into the portal the instant he put it on, so the scientists kept a safe distance from it, using robotic arms to handle the garment.  They detected the same ion particles found at Upton’s home and determined where the portal led.

    “It was just a matter of matching the ion signatures,” said Dr. Amazing.  “This is surprisingly easy to do once you know what you’re looking for, and it was even easier when it was a pocket dimension that we discovered 20 years ago.  We already had this thing mapped and in our database.”

    Dr. Amazing and two fellow scientists entered the Snuggie portal, tethered to our dimension.  No one has set foot in this pocket dimension for 8 years, so they came in prepared for a battle.  What they found came to a relief:  Upton was sitting on a recliner, watching DVDs of Family Matters, and eating chips on a large rock floating in a void.

    Upton explained that he fell onto the large floating rock, and he was alone.  The rock was equipped with a bed, several dressers and bookcases, a fully-stocked kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom, and a smaller rock about 100 yards into the distance housed a gym, but Upton never made it up there.  He said he looked around the place and screamed for help for the next hour.  Believing that someone would eventually come for him, he decided to relax and go through some of the DVD box sets he found.

    “I got lucky,” said Upton.  “I mean, real lucky.  I could’ve been stuck falling in an endless void until I died, but I landed in a pretty nice apartment despite the void.  Looking at that for too long made me just want to jump out into it.  It really messes with your head.  No wonder there’s so many DVD box sets here.”

    “Too bad they didn’t get anything past the 80s.  I can only watch so much Urkel, you know?”

    Dr. Amazing went through some of the belongings and discovered this space was inhabited by the portal-hopping supervillain, Jumper.  He’s known for using a cape as a portal, so it’s theorized that one of his capes was somehow sewn into a Snuggie.  How or when Jumper gained access to this pocket dimension is unknown as are his current whereabouts.  He’s currently wanted by the FBI and five states for multiple counts of larceny.

    After an examination for side effects from the pocket dimension, showing no ill effects, Upton was allowed to go home, and his boyfriend greeted him at ATOM Labs.

  • Dr. Amazing Assures Mulitverse Isn’t Collapsing

    By Packie Williams

    Dr. Amazing (file photo)
    Dr. Amazing (file photo)

    Despite wild speculation from fringe news sources, Dr. Amazing assured the public that the multiverse is not collapsing in on itself.

    “I know some of my colleagues have been putting out dire warnings here and there,” said Dr. Amazing, “but they’re drawing too steep a conclusion from a small sample size.  Yes, some alternate universes have disappeared, but this is a natural occurrence.  They either escape detection, or they get merged with other universes, or yes, they sometimes die.  Nothing has changed so dramatically though to merit such a sweeping conclusion.”

    In the past few weeks, several scientists from New York and London have detected a decrease in the number of alternate universes they normally keep tabs on everyday.  Led by Professor Richard Reeds of the Hayden Planetarium, the scientists monitor the specific frequencies and resonances of over 1,000 alternate universes.  In the past three months, 24 have disappeared altogether.

    “This is very troubling,” said Reeds.  “Some universes just blipped out all of a sudden, and then we had a string of five go out one right after another.  I’m not trying to alarm anyone, but well, this is alarming.  The disturbing part is that we have no idea what’s causing this.”

    Reeds, however, denied that he claimed the multiverse was collapsing in on itself.  “That’s absurd,” he said.  “We’d have to see a higher, more consistent rate of collapse than this, but it is cause for concern.  What if our universe is next?  We have no way of knowing.”

    Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs also monitor alternate universes, and while they don’t dispute Reeds’s findings, they don’t like how he’s spreading fear to news outlets.

    “Professor Reeds is a good scientist,” said Dr. Amazing, “but he likes to exaggerate.  He says these things, and news outlets pick it up with little understanding of what’s actually going on.  He’s going on about superheroes in other universes battling out with different versions of themselves as if he can actually see that happening.”

    “No matter what he says, our universes aren’t folding together like if you ‘smooshed two pizzas together’,” said Dr. Amazing.  “That’s just absurd.”

  • Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

    Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

    askjulia

     

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow history buffs!  Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown.

    So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking.  Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history?  I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past.

    Julia, that is a fantastic question!  It’s one I’ve often wondered about from time to time, so I did a little digging.  Unfortunately, I don’t think time travel archaeology expeditions are going to happen (at least not often).

    Despite how often time travel seems to happen, the majority of time travels occur from one of our many futures.  According to the State Department’s statistics, 76 of the known 126 time travels are of this kind of travel.  Someone from one of our many futures comes to our present.  Only about 40% of all time travels begin from our time.

    Even so, that’s still 50 time travels.  That’s a lot, right?  It is, but you have to look at who took those travels and where.  19 were taken by The Amazings alone in their many adventures; 12 were taken by supervillain Herr Gerfahr; and 8 were taken by the Peace Force or one of their enemies.  That’s 39 of the time travels, and the other 11 are various superheroes, supervillains, aliens, space monsters, and Dark Lords.  None of these time travelers teach at a university.

    The fact is that time travel takes up massive amounts of electricity to open a time portal.  The exact amount is classified, but it’s an insanely large amount.  Dr. Amazing was quoted, back in 1983, that one hour of time travel (that is, going back in time one hour) takes “about as much energy as a nuclear power plant produces in a day”.  That’s a lot, but it also depends on the model of time machine.  Ones built within the last ten years use about a fiftieth of those models from the 80s, but the length of time travel increases the amount of power needed.  Today, you can travel back a little over two days into the past on the same amount of power that a 1980s machine needed to go back one hour.  It’s still a lot of energy, and energy is expensive.

    Dr. Amazing gets grants from the government and money from patents and speaking engagements to power his time machine (and, reportedly, a highly-experimental energy source).  The Peace Force has wealthy investors, although their time jaunts are made on a case-by-case basis.  And Herr Gerfahr is evil.  The only other way to time travel would be through someone’s superpower or magical ability, or by finding a wormhole by chance, but again, none of these are readily available to historians and archaeologists.

    And that’s not even taking into account any time paradoxes and alterations from time travel.  Trust me, those will give you headaches.

    So, for now, we’ll have to stick with the old-fashioned methods, Julia.

     

  • First Future Farm Produce Rolls Out

    First Future Farm Produce Rolls Out

    fftowerwebBy Packie Williams

    The first produce from Dr. Amazing’s Future Farm has begun to roll out to supermarkets in the New Romford area.  Corn, wheat, potatoes, and other vegetables are the first crops to emerge from the high tech, skyscraper farm.

    “It’s really amazing to see all of our hard work come to fruition,” said Dr. Amazing.  The Future Farm employs electronics and robots to tend to the daily maintenance and a minimal human staff to keep them in order.  “I’ve been working in quantum physics the majority of my life, so sometimes I don’t get to see the real wonders of the natural world.   From a tiny seed sprouts so many great things.  It really is amazing.”

    “And we cut the growth time in half thanks to dinosaur dung!”

    The first crop wasn’t expected to be harvested for another three months, and some experts were concerned by the accelerated growth rate.  The produce is noticeably larger than their non-skyscraper-produced counterparts.  But members from the DFA tested the food and found it was safe to eat.

    “I ate a baked potato and an ear of corn from the Future Farm,” said Alistair Cromwell of the DFA, “and it was not only delicious but perfectly safe.”

    Dr. Amazing hopes to have more crops out in stores soon along with dairy and meat products.

  • Another Company Wants to Fast-Age Your Kids Using Alternate Dimension

    Another Company Wants to Fast-Age Your Kids Using Alternate Dimension

    twlogoweb

    By Julia Crumpelman

    The fast-aging game just got some extra competition.  Recently, FutureKin unveiled their business model of sending children to various future timelines to fast-age them into young adults.  Now, Tomorrow World unveiled their model.

    They want to send children into a time-altered dimension.

    “The problem with future timelines,” said founder Darryl Montgomery, “is that they can blip out of existence just like that.  Someone steps on the wrong bug today, and poof, one timeline is altered or deleted.  And what happens to your kid?  Who knows?”

    twceoweb
    Tomorrow World CEO Darryl Montgomery

     

    “That’s why Tomorrow World has set up a time-altered dimension,” he said.  “It’s one we control completely, and no one can change it by accident.  One hundred percent safe.”

    Tomorrow World is actually the name of the dimension.  It has been specifically altered to increase the speed of time.  One day in Tomorrow World is about two seconds in our dimension, so a year in there lasts a little over 12 minutes here.  The turnaround time is longer than FutureKin, Montgomery admits, but sometimes, things are worth the wait.

    “You can’t rush good work,” he said without a hint of irony or self-awareness.  “Children will age 10 years in about two hours, which is just enough time to get a nice lunch.  You can pick up your adult children on your own leisure.”

    Tomorrow World, like FutureKin, will offer various study programs, including education, the arts, and martial arts

    As before, Dr. Amazing had his concerns with Tomorrow World’s business model.  “I can’t believe there are two of these things now,” he said, slumping his chair.  “This is a horrible, horrible, no good idea.  Fast-aging your children is such a morally questionable thing to begin with, I can’t believe people are actually floating this idea.”

    “And that’s not even dealing with the time-altered dimension,” he said.  “Yes, you can do that, but it’s so much work to keep that stable.  I’ve created five of these dimensions in my experiments, and it takes constant vigilance just to keep them flowing at a constant rate of time.  It’s very easy for these dimensions to slow down and then speed up, wildly.  It could be very easy for children to go in at 10 and come out at 100, if at all.”

    Montgomery wasn’t fazed by Dr. Amazing, either.  “Sounds to me like he’s just jealous he didn’t monopolize it first,” he said, taking a puff of a cigar.  “His loss.”

  • FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    futurekinweb
    FutureKin CEO Jennifer Carson-Knowles

    By Julia Crumpelman

    Do you know Karen Skyrunner, the British superhero who saved Europe from a Celtic zombie army last year?  Do you know Ferris, the metallic Chicago-based superhero who stopped the Great Lakes from being turned to green sludge from a swamp monster?  How about Joey Radstone, the former Quinton School student who wanders the globe searching for the most “rad stones”?  They all have one thing in common.

    They were all born within the last seven years and are all now adults.  How?  They went to a future world to grow up and returned to the present (or, rather, their past.  It’s complicated.).

    Now Jennifer Carson-Knowles wants to bring this possibility for child-rearing to the common people with her new business, FutureKin.  “It’s so far only been an option for super people,” she said, “and that’s really a shame.  Parents should have the option to age their children faster like the super folk.”

    Carson-Knowles acknowledges that time travel is highly regulated, but that’s only for trips into the past.  “Nowhere in the time laws does it restrict going forward in time,” she said.  “Nor can it.  We travel forward through time constantly.  We’re doing it right now.  So that’s essentially what we’re doing.”

    FutureKin will provide parents with a selection of several future landscapes with separate instructors for different learning environments.  Some will be more knowledge based, others will resemble boot camps, and some will be complete survival worlds.  Once an environment is selected, the child will go to that future for several years and return the next day.  They will have aged however many years the parents paid for, so they could age up to ten years in one day.  How FutureKin Time Engineers are able to pinpoint futures with the right environments is a closely kept secret.

    But why would parents do this to their child, who will not see them for up to 10 years?  “Have you ever tried raising a child going through puberty?” said Carson-Knowles.  “Hell.  Pure hell.  Get your kid through the rough patch in one day and be done with it, I say.”

    “Another benefit,” she said, “would be having grandchildren much quicker.  This could be very helpful for parents who have children late in their lives.”  Her daughter, who went through one of the 10-year educational futures, rolled her eyes when she heard this.  She is legally only 9 years old but is physically 19 years old.

    “This is a bad, bad idea,” said Dr. Amazing, upon hearing the business plan for FutureKin.  “I don’t even know where to begin.  Those superheroes [listed above] went to the future because they had no other choice.  Skyrunner had a disease that only future tech could cure.  Ferris ran into a time portal when we has pursued by squid monsters, and Radstone was, well, a little stone crazy.  They lost years with their families.  Years!  They returned home and were emotionally distant from their families.”

    “Not to mention that those futures may not even exist because of something that happens today or another time traveler comes back to change something which deletes that future from happening,” said Dr. Amazing, running out of breath.  “Oh my god, this is such a bad, bad idea.”

    Carson-Knowles brushes off the criticisms.  “I have the top Time Engineers on this project,” she said.  “They will monitor every possible perturbation in the timestreams to make sure all of our futures still exist on a second-by-second basis.”

    “It’s like boarding school,” she said.  “And children grow up just fine because of that, so I think we’ll be just fine.”  Again, her daughter rolled her eyes and made an obscene gesture at her mother from behind her back.

  • New Romford Up to 60% Capacity

    New Romford Up to 60% Capacity

    By Buffy Bolivar

    City officials have released figures estimating that New Romford is now running up to 60% capacity following the Dino-Day Disaster several weeks ago.

    All sewer lines have been repaired, and water and power have been returned to nearly the entire city.  Some of the older parts of Downtown, Bexton, and Dukes are still without full services.  Water and power are expected to be returned to everyone by the end of the week.

    The majority of main roads have been repaired for traffic, but most side streets are still unusable.  City officials estimate it could take the next several months to a year to repave the streets.  Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs are building machines to help repair the streets in less time.  “Nothing too fancy,” Dr. Amazing said.  “Just some drones to strip the streets and to pour cement in one fell swoop.  No AI (artificial intelligence) in them, so they won’t turn evil.”

    The bridges on the other hand will take several years to repair, especially the 4th Ave Bridge and the Judith Bridge.  They both collapsed during the disaster, and given their historic nature, there are likely to be legal battles.  “Already there’s talk about how to improve them,” said one unnamed city official.  “They need better structural support, but we got to do it in a way that preserves their history.  That’s going to be a challenge.”

    Most businesses have reopened to some degree, but many may not even reopen.  The 300 block of 24th Ave was hit especially hard, and the costs to rebuild everything, in some cases the entire building, may be too much for business owners.  Keiko MacNamara of Keiko’s Treats lost everything.  “I lived above my bakery and came down to work everyday,” she said.  “Now the whole building is just gone.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”  Right now, MacNamara is staying with relatives in Norwoods.  She’s hoping her insurance will help pay for a new bakery in another building, but that could take months.