The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Dr. Amazing

  • Dr. Amazing Fertilizes Future Farm with Dino Dung

    Dr. Amazing Fertilizes Future Farm with Dino Dung

    By Packie Williams

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    One of the biggest, and stinkiest, problems in the wake of the Dino-Day Disaster was what to do with all the dinosaur dung that was left behind.  Dr. Amazing has volunteered to use it as fertilizer.

    “Dung is nature’s natural fertilizer,” he said.  “It’s full of nutrients that plants need in order to grow, and with so much of it around, it just makes sense to use it in the Future Farm.”

    Dr. Amazing and robots from ATOM Labs have been scooping up as much of the dino dung as they could and hauling back to ATOM Labs for study.  First, they wanted to have samples available for paleontologists to study and also to see if there were any remnants of the Dinosaur Queen’s magic left over.  “The last thing we wanted,” said Dr. Amazing, “was for whatever magical particles that turned us into dinosaurs to be left in the dung, and if it were to fertilize crops, we had to make sure nothing evil got transferred to the food, which might turn people back into dinosaurs if they ate a tomato for instance.”

    “Luckily, the occult section of ATOM Labs has given us the all clear,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I don’t put much stock into magic personally, but it happens, so we have to be careful.”

    Dr. Amazing hopes that the dino dung will naturally speed up the growth of his crops.  “No one wants artificial chemicals put into their food,” he said.  “So we’re going to use the next best thing.  Which is dinosaur dung.”

    Dr. Amazing’s wife, Snow Woman, did not comment.

  • The Amazings Play With Kids Affected by DDD

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    With much of the city in ruins from the Dino-Day Disaster, families have been displaced from their homes and neighborhoods.  To help keep up the spirits of their fellow New Romforders, the Amazings stopped by Griffin Park in Frankton today, using their superpowers to play with local children.

    “It was really, really fun to jump on Dr. Amazing’s tummy,” said five-year-old Stacy.  “I jumped really high, like a million times!”

    Dr. Amazing stretched his torso out like a trampoline and let children jump on him one-by-one.  Once their turn was up, he caught them in the air and morphed his arm into a slide.  Meanwhile, Snow Woman created a winter wonderland inside a patented, invisible Amazing Dome, which kept the area at a cool 30° F.  After all, she had to keep the snowball fight going.  And Mr. Bigg flew children, four at a time, in a decommissioned AmazoPlane, 100 feet in the sky.

    “The snowball fight was so much fun!” said nine-year-old Jacob.  “Snow Woman just created this amazing snow fort that literally looked like a snow fort, and it was so awesome!”  The realistic-looking snow fort didn’t look like one after a few minutes of the snowball fight.

    “I’ve never flown before,” said twelve-year-old Dierdre.  “I mean, not like a superhero would.  But Mr. Bigg gave me the ride of my life, and now, I want to get superpowers of my own someday.  I want to fly on my own!”

    Notably missing from the original Amazings was Joan Upshaw, a.k.a. Miss Terror.  Understandably, her powers would be less conducive to playing with children, but she stayed behind at Grainger Tower to monitor the current Amazings team as they assisted with the search and rescue effort.  “Joan wishes she could’ve made it here,” said Dr. Amazing.  “But she preferred to stay at the tower and help out in her own way.  You know how Joan is.”

    Regardless, the parents were grateful for the break from the last few weeks.  “We’ve just been dealing with so much,” said Paula Moreno.  “I haven’t seen my children laugh and play in so long.  This really helps out.  It really does.”

    “This is what superheroes do.”

  • Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    By Chase Chapley

    The New Romford Free Press started in 1976 with the purpose of bringing you the most important, well-informed news that affected the New Romford metropolitan area.  As we’ve grown over the years, our coverage has spread across the country and across the world.  Being the epicenter of superhuman activity has brought us many unique stories, and we do our best to report them as they happen, even if that’s difficult to do.  Whether it’s covering Atlantis, magical realms, giant monsters, or run-of-the-mill megalomaniacal supervillains, we will be there.

    But there’s been one area that we have not covered because we’ve never been there.  It is space.  The increased superhuman activity on Earth has made interaction with species from other planets more and more common.  From the Zrat War of 1958 to the Winmac-Paternius X Research Pact of 1984, Earthlings have become important players in the cosmos.  The UN estimates that over 7,000 aliens now reside on our planet, and that number is expected to rise over time.

    For the past few years, we’ve discussed how we should increase our coverage of other planets.  With advances in space communication, it is now possible to hear about events millions of light years away (albeit still with a time lag).  We tried devoting one reporter to space activities, but that became impossible with so many Earth stories to report.  We needed outside help.  We needed someone who lived on another planet.

    It is with great pleasure that we here at the New Romford Free Press welcome our new Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz!  Karna is a Minaxian journalist from the Ionnia Solar System within the Andromeda Galaxy.  Growing up on the planet Minax, Karna had a knack for writing about his daily events in his light journal, which would always upset his maternal unit.  (Minaxians, during his youth, were raised by cybernetic Minaxians rather than their birth parents.  This practice has been slowly discontinued in the last 30 Earth years.)

    When he turned 543 in Minaxian years (about 23 Earth years), Karna entered Qorr Morr Lornirro, a prestigious university specializing in the light sciences, as much of Minaxian society is run on various wavelengths of light.  But Karna grew disinterested with his studies and began writing.  He joined a local news agency and moved his way up to Senior Editor at the Vro Gorr, a widely-read news service on Minax.  He also met his companion, Janorr, at the Vro Gorr and has three children with her.

    Karna will be reporting for the Vro Gorr and for us as well using an English translator program developed by Dr. Amazing.  He has not visited Earth yet but has interviewed the Peace Force when they visited his planet in 1997 and 2002.  The Peace Force noted that his English was very good, but Karna will also rely on us to help him when needed.

    Please welcome Karna Firaliz with open arms!  We can’t wait for his first report.

  • Inmate Tries to Speed Through Sentence, Extends It Instead

    Inmate Tries to Speed Through Sentence, Extends It Instead

    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – Larry Canary, an inmate at Greywalker Prison outside of Chicago, tried to work a time device to speed up his sentence, but the device backfired on him in an unexpected way.

    Canary was convicted two years ago for trafficking weapons, drugs, and money for the mob.  He was sentenced to 20 years in prison with possibility for parole in 10, but after participating in a failed breakout last August, another 20 years was added onto his sentence.  So he tried to “fast forward” through time with several smuggled components.

    “We’re not sure where he got the parts,” said the warden, Jack Offman, “or how he put them together without us knowing.  Someone wrote out some complicated instructions for him on how to build this device, but Larry was never a science guy or an engineer.  He just knows how to traffic weapons.  It’s no wonder he screwed up.”

    The device Canary built was intended to “fast forward” himself through his sentence like if he were to fast forward through a DVR recording.  When he activated the device, a bright light flashed in his cell, and nothing seemed to happen.  The guards checked his cell, and he was moving slow, very slow.  They ordered him out of his cell, and he complied.  It took him six minutes to take one step.

    An hour later, Canary had finally exited his cell, but by then, the guards had already confiscated the device, which had broken, and searched his person.  To avoid waiting for him to walk to another cell for questioning, two guards picked him up, as if he were a log, and carried him there.  By morning, a full ten hours later, Canary had finally realized that he wasn’t in his cell anymore and that something was amiss.

    “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced,” said Offman.  “I’ve dealt with animal people, mud men, Keymaster, and Al Capone clones, but this takes the cake.  Figuring out what to do with Larry Canary is going to be a disaster.  We’re going to have to hook him up to an IV and a catheter just to keep him alive.  Never mind, it’s going to take years just to get him to answer one question.”

    Since the incident, the warden has talked to Dr. Amazing to understand what happened.  Apparently, the device was to lower Canary’s chronoton levels, which regulate an objects experience of time.  The less chronotons, the faster time goes by for the object.  Canary’s device backfired and overloaded his chronoton levels, bogging him down in slower time.  “But it wouldn’t ever ‘fast forward’ him through time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “That takes a proper time machine.  All this would do, if it worked like Canary thought, is put him into ‘fast forward’ and make his sentence seem longer.  Although maybe it worked exactly like he thought.  He is moving slower to us, but we’re moving faster to him, so one of his days will be one of our months.”

    “Perhaps he got what he wanted after all.”

    Even still, another 20 years was added onto Canary’s sentence, and he will have to endure the abuse given to him by his fellow inmates.  “He gets smacked upside the head,” said Offman, “and it takes another four hours for him to respond.”  Currently, Canary is in an isolated workshop, making a license plate by hand.  The warden hopes he will finish it by next month.

  • Last of Dino Army Captured

    Last of Dino Army Captured

    By Chase Chapley

    With the Dinosaur Queen captured, the remaining members of the Dino Army have given themselves up to authorities.  The raptors and T-Rexes went down easily, and the flying members of the Peace Force have been captured the pterodactyls in a net.  The brachiosauruses, though, proved difficult to corral since they are huge.  Dr. Amazing appears to have set up a dimensional portal of some sort, and they went into it with a little prodding from Titana.

    The U.S. Army set up supply points at various intersections, providing food, water, and blankets to anyone in need.  The Red Cross has come in and set up medical bays as well.  The Mayor has announced these points for shelter.  Power is still out in many places, and hundreds, if not thousands, of buildings have been destroyed.  It’s going to be months before most structures are safe to reenter.  Also, sanitation is going to be an issue as dinosaur-sized feces are literally everywhere.

    It looks like we’ve escaped another disaster, but we’re not out of the woods yet.

  • Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

    Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Doris:

    Dear Julia, what’s the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate dimension?  I keep hearing it on the news, but they don’t explain it very well, and nothing on the internet helps me.  Are they different from parallel universes?  Thank you kindly.

    Ah, that’s a tricky one, Doris.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t quite understand it all myself.  Dr. Amazing has a web-series that tries to explain all about the multiverse and the space-time continuum, but most of it flies over my head.  (It also doesn’t help that Dr. Amazing seems to only speak in eight-syllable words when discussing physics, but that’s another thing entirely.)

    But I do know enough that I think can help.  Basically, alternate timelines exist within our universe while alternate dimensions/parallel universes (which are the same thing more or less) are not our universe.  An alternate timeline is when some event in history went a different way which altered the course of our universe.

    For instance, Hellena was just in the news recently, and she’s an alternate timeline version of Titana.  In Hellena’s timeline, Napoleon had conquered all of Europe and drove the Amazons into Hades.  Then, she sacrificed herself to save her people and became possessed by demons (hence the horns, red skin, and impractical clothing).  One of Titana’s adventures brought her to this timeline, and somehow Hellena followed her to our timeline.  Hellena can’t return to her world unless our timeline is changed to resemble hers, which is another difference between the two.

    Alternate dimensions can exist completely on their own.  They run by themselves, and without a portal generator, we can’t change their universes.  Think of one as being about space and the other being about time.  It can get tricky sometimes, I know, since alternate dimensions can act almost exactly like alternate timelines, but it’s really about self-sustainability.  Apparently, there’s some variation between alternate dimensions and parallel universes, but then we’re delving into the deep, deep stuff.  I recommend reading some of Dr. Amazing’s books for further illumination.

    Happy trails, Doris!

  • NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

    NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

    By Packie Williams

    hellenamugshotwebThe NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjà vu that many people felt as well.

    Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

    The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

    No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.