The New Romford Free Press

Tag: fire

  • Pumpkin Pi Succombs to Fire, His One Weakness

    Pumpkin Pi Succombs to Fire, His One Weakness

    PumpkinPi

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Math-themed supervillain with a pumpkin for a head, Pumpkin Pi, was severely injured in a chemical fire in his workshop in Norwoods last night.  He’s currently being treated for third-degree burns and charring at ATOM Labs.

    Pumpkin Pi, whose real name is unknown, stole several drums of chemicals from Spade Chemical Plant a week ago.  In his secluded workshop in Norwoods, which was an abandoned bakery, Pi was apparently using his stolen chemicals in various experiments.  What he was brewing is unknown, but it doesn’t matter anymore as they all blew up in his face.  Literally.

    The explosion could be seen for dozens of blocks, and some people from Bexton claimed to have seen it from the top of their buildings.  Pi received  a near direct hit from the blast, and he sustained several third-degree burns on his flesh body and severe charring on his gourd head.  The NRFD put out the fire and was able to recover Pi from the fire, alive but unconscious.  At least they think he was unconscious.

    “It’s really hard to figure out if someone’s unconscious or not when they don’t have a typical brain head,” said one unnamed firefighter.  “Like, how am I supposed to tell if he’s awake or not?  Slap him on his pumpkin noggin?  Are those seeds and string stuff his brain?  And it’s not like he had eyes and a mouth or anything.  Those were just drawn on with a marker.  How the heck did he see or talk?”

    No matter how his head works, Pi’s flesh body was easier to deal with as it’s just a normal human body until the neck.  The NYFD was able to get a pulse and hear his heartbeat and called it good.  ATOM Labs is treating him and his injuries under armed guard.  No one else was in the building at the time of the explosion.

  • Stock Photo Warehouse Burns Down, Loses Cache of Ridiculous Pics

    Stock Photo Warehouse Burns Down, Loses Cache of Ridiculous Pics

    By Skip Daverman

    BALTIMORE – Stupendous Photos, a stock photo warehouse, caught fire last night and burned down to the ground despite the efforts of the Baltimore Fire Department.  More than 125,000 photos, some dating back to the 1950s, were lost.

    Shane Macklemore, owner of Stupendous Photos, said most of the stock photos weren’t scanned into their computers.  “It’s just a shame,” he said.  “We had some really great photos from the 50s and 60s.  Vintage.  We had your classic husband returning home to his adoring wife photos, your businessman drinking a martini with a woman on his lap photos, and even your rare husband spanking his wife like a child photos, which apparently was a thing back then.  They aren’t too popular these days, but they were really well shot and popular back in the day.”

    Most of Macklemore’s business came from selling stock photos to online advertisers.  Many of the images are generic so they can be used in as many ads as possible, but there were just as many that were unique and specific for more adventurous ad agencies.  Those were stored on databases inside the warehouse and were also destroyed.

    “We had so many great photos,” said Macklemore.  “We had a police officer holding a radar gun.  That was our biggest seller because it scared people into clicking the ad for just about anything.  We also had a gentleman with absurdly gigantic muscles, photoshopped, and that was also a big seller.  But I always liked the quirky ones, like the woman with an egg in her mouth, the conjoined twins on the swing set in Hell, the Dalai Lama punching a supervillain, and my personal favorite, the elderly man dressed in a robe with the third eye in his forehead.  That guy was real.  No photoshop there.  It was really only used for male enhancement ads for some reason.”

    “It’s a real shame,” he continued.  “The world’s going to be deprived of so many unique stock photos on their favorite websites, assuming they don’t use an ad blocker already.  These were real works of art.”

    Fortunately for Macklemore, many of the images were stored online via their web host, and his insurance will cover most of the damages.  He also plans to replenish his stock photo cache as soon as possible.

    “I’m hopeful for the future,” he said.  “I know exactly the stock photo that represents that hope.  It’s one with an elephant standing on a box with wings flying through the sky while holding a baby in its trunk by the diaper.  It’s kind of an inside joke, but trust me, it makes perfect sense.”