The New Romford Free Press

Tag: future

  • The Telori Go to Gigano to ‘Travel to the Future’

    The Telori Go to Gigano to ‘Travel to the Future’

    by Karna Firaliz

    PLANET GIGANO – After the recent discovery of the Crakosi troop that was stuck on Gigano, who emerged recently still believing that Galactic War 4 was still going on, a business venture is now selling the Telori the chance to “travel to the future” by landing on Gigano for a day or more.

    The increased gravity well of Gigano creates a time dilation that slows down time on the planet’s surface.  The speed of time outside of Gigano goes by at its normal pace, due to special relativity, and a decade can pass for every day experienced on Gigano.  While most beings would prefer to steer clear of this gravitational time dilation because they have family and friends, some are more than willing to hurl themselves into the future.

    “I’m just ahead of my time,” said Ur Unger, one of the first to sign up for the business venture, which is named Poe Moops after the cofounders.  “I was born in the wrong era.  My consciousness exists on the ethereal plane, and no one here understands me.  I really feel like I need to travel to the future, to a time when my fellow Telori will get me.  Someday, society will accept a relationship between a Telori and a ghost.  It just has to.”

    “Oh, I have family and friends,” said Ro Rooger, another first traveler, “but I hate them, so I hope they’re all dead by the time I return.”

    Poe Poomwert and Moops Moopley, the cofounders of Poe Moops, bought a section of land on Gigano last month and sent drones to set up a landing site on the surface.  Of course, with the time dilation, they won’t know of any disruptions to the landing site in the centuries that have passed on Gigano, but they’re optimistic that it will still exist by the time they send Telori there.

    “We’ve designed those drones ourselves for other planet-colonizing ventures,” said Moops.  “We know they work.  But to be safe, we’re equipping all spaceships with drones to make any repairs if anything has disturbed the original landing site in the intervening years.”

    “Most of all,” said Poe, “we saw an opportunity here.  Many Telori want to see what the future holds for us, and they just want to jump into it.  No one wants to wait for future innovations.  Maybe they’ll have personal teleportation machines in the future or a cure for mandible cancer.  That’s so exciting to think about, and some Telori want to see it in their lifetimes.  Now we can.”

    Poe and Moops said they will not make the jump themselves as someone has to run the company, and they also said that sending Telori with mandible cancer to the future is too risky at this point as space travel taxes the body too much.

  • Another Company Wants to Fast-Age Your Kids Using Alternate Dimension

    Another Company Wants to Fast-Age Your Kids Using Alternate Dimension

    twlogoweb

    By Julia Crumpelman

    The fast-aging game just got some extra competition.  Recently, FutureKin unveiled their business model of sending children to various future timelines to fast-age them into young adults.  Now, Tomorrow World unveiled their model.

    They want to send children into a time-altered dimension.

    “The problem with future timelines,” said founder Darryl Montgomery, “is that they can blip out of existence just like that.  Someone steps on the wrong bug today, and poof, one timeline is altered or deleted.  And what happens to your kid?  Who knows?”

    twceoweb
    Tomorrow World CEO Darryl Montgomery

     

    “That’s why Tomorrow World has set up a time-altered dimension,” he said.  “It’s one we control completely, and no one can change it by accident.  One hundred percent safe.”

    Tomorrow World is actually the name of the dimension.  It has been specifically altered to increase the speed of time.  One day in Tomorrow World is about two seconds in our dimension, so a year in there lasts a little over 12 minutes here.  The turnaround time is longer than FutureKin, Montgomery admits, but sometimes, things are worth the wait.

    “You can’t rush good work,” he said without a hint of irony or self-awareness.  “Children will age 10 years in about two hours, which is just enough time to get a nice lunch.  You can pick up your adult children on your own leisure.”

    Tomorrow World, like FutureKin, will offer various study programs, including education, the arts, and martial arts

    As before, Dr. Amazing had his concerns with Tomorrow World’s business model.  “I can’t believe there are two of these things now,” he said, slumping his chair.  “This is a horrible, horrible, no good idea.  Fast-aging your children is such a morally questionable thing to begin with, I can’t believe people are actually floating this idea.”

    “And that’s not even dealing with the time-altered dimension,” he said.  “Yes, you can do that, but it’s so much work to keep that stable.  I’ve created five of these dimensions in my experiments, and it takes constant vigilance just to keep them flowing at a constant rate of time.  It’s very easy for these dimensions to slow down and then speed up, wildly.  It could be very easy for children to go in at 10 and come out at 100, if at all.”

    Montgomery wasn’t fazed by Dr. Amazing, either.  “Sounds to me like he’s just jealous he didn’t monopolize it first,” he said, taking a puff of a cigar.  “His loss.”

  • Muskrat Fights Four Supervillains on Same Day, Different Places

    Muskrat Fights Four Supervillains on Same Day, Different Places

    muskratweb

    by Packie Williams

    CARTERSON — The Muskrat, Headmaster of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, solo adventurer, and Peace Force member, has long been one of the most active superheroes for the past 30 years.  An advanced healing system and a superior learning ability have helped him master over 50 different fighting styles and nearly as many languages.  He’s used his skills to defeat hundreds of supervillains and thousands of henchmen on Earth and across the galaxy.

    While he’s a well-traveled hero, the Muskrat has never fought four separate supervillains on the same day, in different locations.  The obvious question is how did he do it?

    This morning at around 10:45 am EST, the Muskrat was seen fighting Superjock & Nerdboy with some fellow teachers and students at The Quinton School in Carterson.  The supervillain team attacked the school for rejecting their admittance even though neither of them is a superhero and are both in their 30s.  It’s reported that they claimed to be reformed, but that claim ran counter to their attack.

    Then around noon EST, the Muskrat was seen fighting Lunar (pronounced Lu-NARRR), the Moon Pirate in New Orleans.  Lunar was smuggling some unknown goods into the city when the Muskrat caught wind of his activities.  The fight began at the docks but turned into a street chase through the French Quarter.  The Muskrat was on his motorcycle while Lunar rode his motorboatcycle.  Witnesses reported that the chase lasted until at least 1:30 pm EST (12:30 local time), concluding in an abandoned warehouse near the edge of the city.  Muskrat and Lunar fought again, this time with a couple dozen pirate henchmen, ending in a massive explosion at around 2:10 pm EST.  Lunar was turned over to the FBI by the Muskrat, who stayed for another half-hour to answer the authorities’ questions.

    If that wasn’t enough, the Muskrat was also seen with the Peace Force in Rome fighting Julie Caesar, the supposed descendant of Julius Caesar, as she attempted a takeover of the Italian Capital Building.  Using a mind control device, she was able to take over much of Parliament in an attempt to resurrect the Roman Empire.  The Peace Force caught wind of the scheme and, with the Muskrat in tow, was able to fight back her robotic centurion army.  The battle began at 2:15 pm EST (8:15 local time) and lasted for another three hours.

    Naturally, the question is how did the Muskrat be in three separate places, thousands of miles apart, in one day.  His travel methods have been the subject of many rumors over the years, most of them easily dismissed or disproven.  The most common is that the Muskrat has a secret teleporting ability, but most experts believe he has access to a teleport machine courtesy of Dr. Amazing or the Peace Force.

    “The counterargument to that theory,” said Juan Diego Montana, hypertravel expert with McDowell Aeronautics, “is that no other superhero has shown such a proclivity to being in multiple spots on the same day apart from known teleporters.  Plus, teleporting machines are incredibly large and require huge amounts of power, which is why they’re not more common.  And even the fastest of Peace Force jets get from New Romford to London in an hour.”

    “Honestly,” said Diego Montana, “I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a dozen of Muskrats.  Who knows how many clones of that guy are running around?”  The Muskrat declined to comment on his travel arrangements or clone speculation.

  • FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    futurekinweb
    FutureKin CEO Jennifer Carson-Knowles

    By Julia Crumpelman

    Do you know Karen Skyrunner, the British superhero who saved Europe from a Celtic zombie army last year?  Do you know Ferris, the metallic Chicago-based superhero who stopped the Great Lakes from being turned to green sludge from a swamp monster?  How about Joey Radstone, the former Quinton School student who wanders the globe searching for the most “rad stones”?  They all have one thing in common.

    They were all born within the last seven years and are all now adults.  How?  They went to a future world to grow up and returned to the present (or, rather, their past.  It’s complicated.).

    Now Jennifer Carson-Knowles wants to bring this possibility for child-rearing to the common people with her new business, FutureKin.  “It’s so far only been an option for super people,” she said, “and that’s really a shame.  Parents should have the option to age their children faster like the super folk.”

    Carson-Knowles acknowledges that time travel is highly regulated, but that’s only for trips into the past.  “Nowhere in the time laws does it restrict going forward in time,” she said.  “Nor can it.  We travel forward through time constantly.  We’re doing it right now.  So that’s essentially what we’re doing.”

    FutureKin will provide parents with a selection of several future landscapes with separate instructors for different learning environments.  Some will be more knowledge based, others will resemble boot camps, and some will be complete survival worlds.  Once an environment is selected, the child will go to that future for several years and return the next day.  They will have aged however many years the parents paid for, so they could age up to ten years in one day.  How FutureKin Time Engineers are able to pinpoint futures with the right environments is a closely kept secret.

    But why would parents do this to their child, who will not see them for up to 10 years?  “Have you ever tried raising a child going through puberty?” said Carson-Knowles.  “Hell.  Pure hell.  Get your kid through the rough patch in one day and be done with it, I say.”

    “Another benefit,” she said, “would be having grandchildren much quicker.  This could be very helpful for parents who have children late in their lives.”  Her daughter, who went through one of the 10-year educational futures, rolled her eyes when she heard this.  She is legally only 9 years old but is physically 19 years old.

    “This is a bad, bad idea,” said Dr. Amazing, upon hearing the business plan for FutureKin.  “I don’t even know where to begin.  Those superheroes [listed above] went to the future because they had no other choice.  Skyrunner had a disease that only future tech could cure.  Ferris ran into a time portal when we has pursued by squid monsters, and Radstone was, well, a little stone crazy.  They lost years with their families.  Years!  They returned home and were emotionally distant from their families.”

    “Not to mention that those futures may not even exist because of something that happens today or another time traveler comes back to change something which deletes that future from happening,” said Dr. Amazing, running out of breath.  “Oh my god, this is such a bad, bad idea.”

    Carson-Knowles brushes off the criticisms.  “I have the top Time Engineers on this project,” she said.  “They will monitor every possible perturbation in the timestreams to make sure all of our futures still exist on a second-by-second basis.”

    “It’s like boarding school,” she said.  “And children grow up just fine because of that, so I think we’ll be just fine.”  Again, her daughter rolled her eyes and made an obscene gesture at her mother from behind her back.

  • Déjà vu Rocks City

    Déjà vu Rocks City

    By Falco Rockbert

    New Romford was hit with a sudden case of déjà vu yesterday afternoon at around 3:15.  Seemingly everyone in the area felt like they had experienced the same event happen twice at the same time.

    Martin Grainger, a.k.a. Dr. Amazing of The Amazings, felt the déjà vu as well and even recorded it.  “We have very precise clocks here at Grainger Tower,” he said, “and we somehow saw a tiny blip occur at the 3:14:35 mark of two microseconds.  It’s like time stopped and then restarted.”

    The blip was so brief that it could hardly be said to have occurred at all, said Dr. Amazing, but it seems that everyone in the world, and not just New Romford, felt it.  The déjà vu caused sudden bursts of disorientation, disrupting activities.   Reports have come in of car accidents in most U.S. cities and in Canada and Mexico.  A 40-car pile-up was reported in Los Angeles.  A Parliament session in London was halted for an hour, and planes nearly collided mid-air in Germany.

    As for what caused the déjà vu is uncertain.  Dr. Amazing is still investigating the blip with the aid of scientists from around the world.  But he said the most likely cause was a reset of the timestream.

    “I’d bet someone came back from the future to stop some event from happening,” he said.  “Whatever this event was probably was the trigger for a series of events that lead up to a terrible future.  When that happens, the timestream is reset to a different path, and that usually leads to a brief sense of déjà vu.  The last time I can remember this happening—or rather the last time it’s happened in this timestream—was seven years ago on New Year’s Eve.”

    On December 31, 2004, a helicopter inexplicably crash landed on Bette Midler, crippling her from the waist down, during a performance at Carnegie Hall.  Eight people died of unusual causes that night, and no cause of the déjà vu was discovered.

    No casualties have been reported from yesterday.