The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Gil Heredia

  • Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    ATOM Labs has released an official report of Gil Heredia’s death from falling into a vat of chemicals several months ago.  The short answer:  don’t fall into a vat of chemicals.

    Many superheroes and supervillains have been created by being exposed to a vast array of chemicals.  Speedster, Tara Target, and at least a dozen more are credited with chemical-based origin stories, and many more have been speculated upon though not confirmed.  Regardless, it is a common enough theme among superhumans that most people forget that these are isolated instances.

    “People who do gain superpowers,” said the report, “are special people or were in the right place at the right time.  It seems that a person’s genetic structure has to allow random chemicals to seep in and bond with their DNA.  Or you need to splashed with just the right combination of chemicals or at least be struck with lightning or some outside energy while being exposed to chemicals.  As one might imagine, these are both rare cases, and Heredia was not one of those cases.”

    “In conclusion, do not fall into vats of chemicals, and if you do fall into a vat of chemicals, or get splashed by chemicals, go see a doctor right away.  Do not wait for superpowers to manifest themselves or any kind of mutation to pop up.  You may gain superpowers or wings, but the likelihood is not in your favor.  Thank you.”

    In response to Heredia’s death, Lauren Paladio, safety director at ATOM Labs, has removed all walkways that go over all vats of chemicals.  “I don’t even know why we have them,” she said.  “We have robots that can monitor them.”

  • ‘Normal Man’ Passes Away

    ‘Normal Man’ Passes Away

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals a month ago, has passed away at the age of 54 due to complications from his injuries.

    ATOM Lab scientists are still trying to comprehend what has happened to one of their own.  “This is just so tragic,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “Gil was a good man, and I grieve for his family who will have to forge on without him.”  Paladio said that he also had a good life insurance policy as does everyone at ATOM Labs, so they will at least be financially taken care of, and they are also planning a memorial service in the courtyard.

    The Heredia family could not be reached for comment and have asked for privacy.

    Carlos Montero, the scientist assigned to monitor Heredia’s condition, is confused by what has happened.  “I know the human body better than anyone,” he said, “and I’ve seen dozens of people fall into vats of chemicals and survive.  This, tragically, is the first instance where one didn’t come back.  None of the chemicals attached to his DNA and gave him powers, not even a horn or single levitation.  His organs, they just gave out.”

    ATOM Labs has pledged to discover what exactly happened with Heredia, but any decision on an autopsy will have to be made by the family.

  • Transforming into Dinosaur Did Not Help ‘Normal Man’

    Transforming into Dinosaur Did Not Help ‘Normal Man’

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals several weeks ago, is still in critical condition, and transforming into a dinosaur didn’t help his recovery.

    When the Dino-Day Disaster happened, Heredia, who has been on life support at ATOM Labs, was changed into a Deinonychus.  The scientists monitoring him did not notice any change in his vital signs or any new superpowers.  “We thought, ‘Oh, this is going to trigger something finally,’” said lead biologist Carlos Montero.  “We thought that he was going to get dinosaur powers or at least stay transformed as a dinosaur.  Finally, he’d be on the upswing.  But nothing.”

    “It’s like he doesn’t want superpowers.”

    After the Dino-Ray was shut down, Heredia, along with everyone else at ATOM Labs, turned back to human.  Heredia’s injuries had remained during his transformation, and briefly becoming a dinosaur didn’t seem to accelerate his healing ability either.  “It was just the same old, same old,” said Montero.  “If anything, being turned into a dinosaur only made things worse.  Poor guy.”

    Heredia’s family, who have asked for privacy throughout the matter, have seemed more distraught than normal.  With his recent downturn, those closest to the family get the sense that Heredia may pass away soon, unless of course he develops superpowers, but that seems unlikely.

  • ‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

    ‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

    By Muffy Borgeron

    gilGil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals a couple weeks ago, is still recovering from his burns and, strangely, still hasn’t gained superpowers.

    “Gil’s still in a medically-induced coma,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero, “and we’re doing our best to heal his burns, but now he has internal damage to his organs.  That chemical vat was a toxic brew, and frankly, everyone here is just surprised he hasn’t grown fur or bat wings.”

    “At the very least, he should’ve grown a third eye by now.”

    Heredia’s family is remaining quiet as they hope he recovers from his wounds.  Matt Laredo, the family spokesman, has requested privacy through this trying time.  “The Heredias understand the intrigue surrounding their husband and father of two.  Right now, the family asks for your prayers and hopes everyone can learn a valuable lesson that chemicals are not a reliable source of superpowers.”

    Indeed, the city seems to be rocked by the news of Heredia’s fate.  Sales of gas masks and hazmat suits have tripled in the past weeks, and traffic around ATOM Labs and other chemical plants has dipped substantially.  “It’s like people just realized this stuff was dangerous,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “I wouldn’t say people were jumping into chemicals before this, but I think people were less cautious because they thought, ‘Hey, if I get sprayed by chemicals from a truck accident, then at least I’ll get something cool out of it.’  Poor Gil, he’s just a normal man.  Hopefully, this will be a teachable moment for people.”

    “Even still, maybe he’ll wake up and have telekinesis or something.”

  • Man Doesn’t Gain Superpowers After Fall into Vat of Chemicals

    Man Doesn’t Gain Superpowers After Fall into Vat of Chemicals

    By Muffy Borgeron

    It was a strange day at ATOM Labs when maintenance worker, Gil Heredia, fell into a vat of chemicals but did not gain superpowers.

    Heredia, 54, was making his normal rounds of the day when he entered one of the many chemical storage rooms.  A longtime ATOM Labs employee, he is usually careful, said his manager Lauren Paladio, but accidents happen.  “Gil was mopping up the walkway that goes over the vats of chemicals,” she said, “like he does everyday.  He wears slip-resistant shoes, like everyone must, but according to the security camera, he just tripped over his bucket.

    “I’m just thankful he’s still alive, but frankly, I’m surprised that he hasn’t gained superpowers.”

    Exposure to chemicals is one of the leading causes of attaining superpowers.  The UN estimates half the world’s superhuman population gained their powers by this method.  “At the very least, he should have some physical mutation,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero.  “Like tentacles for legs or blue fur.  But so far, nothing.  His skin is just burned, which is not a mutation.  Certainly, I’m grateful he’s alive, but the fact he hasn’t grown horns and a tail confuses me.  Maybe it’ll take time.”

    Heredia is currently being monitored by the ATOM Labs Biology Division.  His wife and two sons joined him in his room, but he is in a medically-induced coma while his body heals from his burns.  Scientists expect a long recovery.