The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Nilrem

  • General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

    General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

    By Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – General Kurt Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General with questionable legal standing, is in hot water for sending his Black Force to attack the Xaggarian refugees, resulting in the refugees to fuse into one giant Xaggarian and fly away.  Now, the government is distancing itself from the General, releasing documents of similar incidents by Murdoch.

    In 1988, the Omnimoth attacked Kansas City, MO, destroying over 400 city blocks.  The attack also killed 11 people and injured hundreds more, and in the official reports, General Murdoch’s Black Force killed Omnimoth after it began to attack.  But new documents show that Murdoch instigated the Omnimoth’s rampage when he and his Black Force aimed their rifles at it when it emerged from its pod.  Scientists monitoring the situations reported feeling threatened by Murdoch’s presence and said he escalated the situation to violence before they had a chance to talk with Omnimoth.

    In 1983, another pod creature, Swamp Sam, was wandering around the bayous of Louisiana when Murdoch and his Black Force attacked him.  Swamp Sam used his swamp powers to escape and attacked Baton Rouge.  Murdoch was able to subdue him, and for the past 30 years, Swamp Sam has broken out of prison eight times and committed over 60 acts of theft, vandalism, and battery.

    But according to newly released documents, Swamp Sam was originally Sam Spade, a 20 year-old mechanic with no criminal record before he was mutated by radioactive swamp gas.  When Murdoch found him in the bayou, Spade had just been mutated and was understandably confused.  Several soldiers reported Spade asked for help, but Murdoch ordered his men and the Black Force to attack.

    And the worst incidence happened in 1994 when Murdoch sent Nilrem on his first crime spree.  Nilrem, the evil opposite of Merlin, appeared in our dimension for the first time outside of New Romford.  Initially, Nilrem was fascinated by our world, and his magical pranks were actually magical pranks that didn’t destroy our world or form giant mouths in the Twin Cities.  Then, Murdoch ordered his Black Force to attack, and Nilrem did not take it well.

    The Nilrem Wars claimed the lives of over 300 people, and after his defeat at the hands of the Peace Force, Nilrem vowed to stay in this realm to enact his revenge.  Since then Nilrem has grown mad, and his pranks have become more crazed and erratic.  At least 150 people have died since the Nilrem Wars from his spells, and for some reason, the great magicians have not been able to expel him from our realm.  They suspect Nilrem can only leave of his own volition, and it’s possible he would’ve left already if Murdoch hadn’t been so hasty.

    The government is currently searching for Murdoch, and his captured Black Force compatriots are being interrogated in military custody.  The Xaggarians have not been spotted since their encounter with Murdoch.

  • Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

    Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

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    By Skip Daverman

    K’MANI REALM – Montezuma broke the mad magician, Nilrem, out of “magic jail,” as the K’Mani Realm is more commonly known, using his winged serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    Experts have theorized that Montezuma has come back to life due to some sort of magic, if indeed it is the Montezuma of the Aztecs who died during the Spanish invasion into Mexico in 1520 and not a clone or robot.  The source of this magic has been a mystery, but now, that mystery appears to have been solved.  Quetzalcoatl has been creating portals that have allowed it and its master to teleport in an instant, and it just teleported into the K’Mani Realm.

    “This is most troubling,” said Boston magician and legal scholar, Lonnie Pierson.  “We’ve set up the strongest magical barriers known to the all the magical realms, and specifically, the barriers work with the eccentric properties of the K’Mani to make them even more impenetrable.  It’s like how a computing device changes its passcodes every few seconds, but even more erratic than that.  You need an intimate knowledge of how it works to get in or out.  And Quetzalcoatl got in with relative ease.  It’s just roared.”

    The K’Mani Realm houses many of the worst magicians, keeping them locked up with special barriers to counteract their personal magical abilities.  It is open to magicians of any planet in the Milky Way Galaxy and is monitored around the clock by thousands of magicians, wizards, mages, witches, and warlocks from hundreds of planets.  Since its inception in 1549, only three people have escaped, and all with inside help.  The last escapee was a non-Earth Mongolian in 1834.

    Quetzalcoatl’s teleportation abilities were thought to be scientific in nature, but it’s clear now that it uses some form of magic.  That magic is able to counteract the magics of the K’Mani Realm and even the specific magics of each inmate’s cell.  Quetzalcoatl broke Nilrem out of his cell with one roar.

    Now the question is why Montezuma broke out Nilrem.  Last time he was seen, Montezuma had learned what “Montezuma’s Revenge” meant in today’s vernacular, and he was not happy.

    “Whatever he’s up to,” said Mexico City superhero, El Toro, “it’s not going to be easy to stop.  He’s upset about his fallen nation and the disgrace brought to his name.  I suspect he’s going to lash out and show us his true revenge.”

    “And yes, I know how that sounds.”

  • Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    Twin Cities Returning to Normal

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    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After the month-long nightmare of the sentient bickering mouths, the Twin Cities are finally returning to normal, and making some money along the way.

    The damage caused by the mouths, which became sentient due to the evil sorcerer, Nilrem, was not as extensive as previously thought.  The damage to the infrastructure was limited.  Only about 30 streets in both cities combined needed repairs, and surprisingly, around 120 buildings were damages with only 9 critically damaged.  The windows all across the Twin Cities needed the most repairs, but most residents were grateful for that.

    “I really thought my home was destroyed,” said Robert Mathis, who lives less than a mile from downtown Minneapolis.  “Those mouths were so loud.  I thought for sure the sound waves would’ve just crushed everything, but all I came home to was a couple of broken windows and a bent storm drain.  Talk about lucky.”  Unlike Kansas, Magicimo could not reverse the damage with a spell.  A reversal spell would need to be cast within 24 hours of the original spell to work.

    With everyone returning home, the Twin Cities have not only gotten back to work but also have started capitalizing on their plight.  Both cities have commissioned artists to paint an outline of where the mouths were, and once done, they’ll place plaques along the way to preserve this unique piece of history.  They’ve even proposed to make each site a National Historical Site, but a decision on that isn’t expected until at least next year.

    Furthermore, to help generate some revenue and to mitigate the revenue they lost from this disaster, both cities are offering helicopter tours so people can see the “mouths” from up in the sky.  “It’s been really popular,” said St. Paul pilot Jon Francis.  “When you get up in the air, you really get a sense of just how big those things were.  Sometimes I like to spook them by rumbling into my headset.  Heh, really sounds like they’re coming back to the passengers.”

    And in other Nilrem news, the Chicago Cubs returned to Wrigley Field, playing their first home game in months.  So far, no one has noticed that they’ve returned.

  • Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Magicimo Captures Nilrem

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    By Skip Daverman

    WICHITA – The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® captured the evil sorcerer Nilrem today outside of Wichita, Kansas, in a magic battle that temporarily decimated the Kansan landscape.

    Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin, was conjuring up his patented Odanrots for fun in the small town of Wellington, just south of Wichita.  Odanrots, of course, are reverse tornadoes.  Instead of sucking things into its vortex, Odanrots spew wind outwards.  How this actually happens is not known to science, naturally, as it’s magic.

    magicimowebWhy Nilrem was conjuring up Odanrots is also not known, but it’s probably because he’s “a madman” according to The Maginificent Magician, Magicimo®.  With all the houses and streets he spewed across the countryside, he was easy to find.  He engaged Nilrem with a few magic spells to constrain him, but Nilrem broke free and started using roads to whip The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.  The battle continued for nearly eight minutes, leaving Wellington and the Kansas countryside in ruins.  Nilrem was finally captured when his mouth and body were wrapped in metal clasps.  Then, with a few hand gestures and glowing eyes, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® returned everything back to normal.  The houses, streets, and farms were as good as new.

    “I simply reversed this maddening madman’s madness,” he said.  “It was not difficult.  After all, he is a third-rate, two-timing thug, and nothing like me, the Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.”

    After answering some more questions with alliteration, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® reversed the spell that turned the Twin Cities sentient and, surprisingly, the spell that turned the ivy in Wrigley Field sentient.  It was not known that Nilrem was the cause of that, but considering how similar it was to the Twin Cities, it makes sense now.  “Clearly, the madman who thought this up was not very imaginative,” he said.