By Buffy Bolivar
NEW YORK – The 20 glowing cocoons, or pods depending on your definition, that were fished out of the Hudson River hatched yesterday. The beings who emerged were peaceful refugees from the planet Xaggar, or at least they were until the superheroes punched them.
Dr. Kimiko Kashani of Columbia University had been monitoring the glowing pods in her laboratory, and yesterday, the beings inside emerged from what were actually organic escape pods. They were green and red plant-like beings from the planet Xaggar, and they were fleeing from a devastating war. “Everything was calm and peaceful when they emerged,” said Dr. Kashani. “They had learned English through some form of auditory osmosis while in my lab, and they were all just so relieved to be safe.”
“ And then General Murdoch’s superheroes burst in and began punching them.”
General Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General of questionable legal standing, must have had someone on the inside, spying on the pods, because they attacked only 10 minutes after the Xaggarians emerged. His special ops squad, the Black Force, this time consisted of two strongmen, a man with laser blasts, and a ninja. They began to subdue the scientists and the Xaggarians, and it looked like the Black Force had everything under control.
Then, the Xaggarians got mad and fused into one giant, 30-foot tall Xaggarian.
The giant broke the arms of the man with laser blasts and threw one of the strongmen into the Atlantic. The other strongman tried his best to fight the giant but was no match for the Xaggarian. He was also thrown into the Atlantic. The ninja, having no superpowers, disappeared without a fight.
The giant Xaggarian was still enraged and turned towards the scientists. Dr. Kashani tried to explain this wasn’t her fault and she really did want to help, but the giant had none of it. It thanked Kashani, sprouted wings, and flew away.
“If it weren’t for that pig-headed General Murdoch,” said Kashani, “none of this would’ve ever happened. They were peaceful. They wanted nothing more than to find a safe place to live. Then he comes in, attacks them, and they fight back. What do he think was going to happen?”
The Coast Guard fished out the two strongmen, and they, along with the man with the laser blasts, were arrested by the military for an unauthorized military on U.S. soil. Neither the General nor the ninja could be found, but the military is searching for them. As for the giant Xaggarian, it flew north, and witnesses spotted the giant land somewhere in the Adirondacks. Later, hikers spotted several pairs of foot tracks of an unearthly shape.