The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Augusta National

  • ‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

    ‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

    pga

    by Dash Hamley

    AUGUSTA, Georgia – The well-marketed and dubious golf match, “Tiger vs. Tiger,” took place today at Augusta National, and it ended with the present-day Tiger Woods being tackled by security for charging at his younger self.

    The day began with excitement as tens of thousands of fans poured in and around Augusta National to try and catch a glimpse of either Tiger.  ABC, ESPN, and the Golf Channel had round-the-clock coverage of the match between the ’97 Tiger Woods and the present day Tiger Woods, reporting from every possible angle.  Given the danger of the two Tigers meeting, security was at an all-time high for a golf match.  Each Tiger had 20 security personnel surrounding them at all times, and they were instructed to stay at least 200 feet apart from each other.

    ’97 Tiger teed off first and birdied on the first hole.  He went to the second hole and hit par.  Then, the present-day Tiger teed off on the first hole.  He bogeyed on the first hole, and he stayed two holes behind his younger self at all times.

    Until the 10th hole.

    By this time, ’97 Tiger was up seven strokes.  The crowd was rowdy, unusual for a golf match, and footage from the match showed a stark difference in the crowd’s reaction to the golfers.  ’97 Tiger was getting thunderous applause.  Present-day Tiger was getting polite clapping, and it was getting to him.

    At the end of the 10th hole, present-day Tiger was visibly angry.  He said something to his caddy, grabbed one of his woods, and bolted into the crowd.  His security detail was caught off guard, and his caddy held them off for a couple minutes.  Present-day Tiger swung his club back and forth, clearing a path for himself.  Then he made it to the 13th hole, where ’97  Tiger was getting ready to tee off.

    The security guards tackled the present-day Tiger, who threw his club at his younger self.  The guards piled on him, blocking ’97 Tiger’s view of his future self, and then they whisked ’97 Tiger away from the course.  ’97 Tiger was not injured by the thrown club, but he reportedly left the course with it.

    Naturally, the match was canceled, but it was clear that ’97 Tiger had won.  Present-day Tiger was reportedly taken out of Augusta National in an unmarked vehicle, and the PGA would not comment on the situation.  The fate of ’97 Tiger was not commented on at this moment either, despite the PGA’s insistence he’d be returned to his time after the match.

  • ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

    ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it.

    The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined).  Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s have scored lucrative endorsement deals, and EA Sports is already working on a special DLC for all of their golf games to allow players to play the “Tiger v. Tiger” match.  ABC, ESPN, and The Golf Channel will broadcast the match with advertisement spots rivaling those of the Super Bowl, and Augusta National is selling tickets in the tens of thousands.

    All of this without a word from present-day Tiger Woods confirming that he will partake in this match.

    “This thing gets weirder by the hour,” said ESPN anchor, Scott Van Pelt.  “You’d think present Tiger would have released a statement by now if he was against it.  Yet he’s not stopping it, which begs the question, how much is he getting paid to play his younger self?”

    “And I can’t believe I just uttered those words just now.  Bonkers.”

    Rumors from people inside the present-day Woods camp is that he will be paid handsomely for this match.  They put the payment at $200 million “at least.”  Considering present-day Woods’s dwindling career, it’s not hard to imagine him taking the check even if the circumstances are strange.

    As for ’97 Woods, PGA representatives have reportedly kept him busy practicing at an undisclosed location.  They’ve kept him away from the news as best they could but have indulged him by letting him play with an iPad.  Sources said that while he’s confused by this experience, he’s “in good spirits.”

    Once again, no one is listening to the scientists.

    “Listen, I know that people from different time periods meet each other all the time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I know I’ve met at least a dozen of me.  But I’ve studied the time machine that brought the younger Woods to the present, and it’s a mess of a time machine.  Tachyons are all jumbled together, the chronometer is miscalibrated, and I can’t even tell what some of these particles its emitting right now, and I’m Dr. Amazing.  Putting these two anywhere near each other without a full analysis, which may take months, is playing Russian roulette with spacetime.”

    “I have a time machine in my lab, for pete’s sake.  I can send the younger Woods back home right now.”

     

    The PGA said they “understood Dr. Amazing’s concerns,” but also they “have everything under control.”