The New Romford Free Press

Tag: James Cameron

  • Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

    Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

    lagridlockby Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES — The gridlock that is plaguing the Los Angeles metropolitan area has spread to include nearly all of the freeways and major thoroughfares.  The growth has forced mayors of all the cities to ask for help.

    “We need the National Guard, the Peace Force, the Amazings, and anybody else with superpowers,” said LA Mayor Eric Garcetti.  “Our lives have effectively ground to a halt.  Our citizens can’t get to work, to their families and friends, or even their homes.  We need help.”

    Twenty-five mayors echoed the sentiments of Garcetti in a joint conference call to the Governor and President.  The call was broadcast online from each of their offices as they could not physically be in the same room.

    Even if the National Guard, Peace Force, or the Amazings were to help, it will be difficult to know where to start.  “Just look at this mess,” said KTLA traffic reporter Sally Martinez.  Via Skype, she showed the hundreds of red strings on an LA map in a news conference.  “Usually, it’s just a few spots here and there, but the traffic jams are literally everywhere.  I have no idea how to untangle this mess without just picking up all the vehicles and moving them somewhere.  There are millions of vehicles on these roads.”

    “I don’t know how we unclog this mess.  I don’t suppose there’s a teleporter on the Peace Force, is there?”

    For its part, the West Coast Peace Force is still up in space dealing with “an unknown intergalactic threat” according to the WCPF spokesperson.  The New Romford-based Peace Force said they’re “monitoring the situation and will help as time allows.”  The Amazings were not home at the moment, according to the Grainger Tower answering machine.

    President Obama and Governor Jerry Brown have already stated their commitment to helping, but for now, they’re not sending in ground forces so as to not exacerbate the problem.  The National Guard has offered to airlift people to their homes via helicopters, something hospital helicopters have been doing for sick residents.

    Some superpowered residents have assisted in small ways as well.  A man with ice powers has provided water to people stuck along the 5 and 605, and a woman with bat wings has flown a few people home in Anaheim.  Thankfully, no looting has occurred.  “Where would looters haul their stuff anyway?” said Martinez.  “Sure, they could steal a TV, but good luck getting across any of the four streets blocking your path home.”

    But it’s not all good fortune.  The Terminator Gangs have taken control of the Los Angeles River, which is mostly dry at this time of the year, as it resembles the spillway scene from Terminator 2.  This has effectively cut off another avenue for citizens to travel.  And the Na’vi Nation, the other James Cameron-inspired street gang, who have painted their bodies blue and run around in loincloths, have infected the various wooded parts of the LA area.  Since they’re prone to jump around tall objects, they’re less centralized and have popped up in hundreds of spots.  Both groups have terrorized anyone who enters their territory, and their territory seems to change by the hour.

    “I don’t know what to do,” said Pasadena resident, Idara Montero.  “I found three blue people hanging around in the trees behind my house, and they yelled at my husband when he asked them to go away.  Then they shot arrows at him, screaming some nonsense about Home Tree.  Now, we just leave them alone and hope they move on.”

    “Seriously, I hate James Cameron movies.”

  • LA Roads Finally Succumb to ‘Permanent’ Gridlock

    LA Roads Finally Succumb to ‘Permanent’ Gridlock

    by Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES — After a battle with the supervillain Monster Man crushed several intersections and freeways in the greater Los Angeles area three days ago, the area’s infamously gridlocked roads finally succumbed to “permanent” gridlock according to reports.

    “It’s finally happened,” said KTLA traffic reporter, Sally Martinez.  “I’ve been watching LA traffic from the skies for over 15 years, and the gridlock has always been terrible.  But now it’s permanent.  The roads have become fences now.”

    The cars and trucks on every freeway and most major streets stopped moving two days ago.  Freeways were the first to get stuck.  The 5, 10, 405, 110, 710, 605, and 101 became choked with vehicles.  The blockages there forced motorists to the city streets and other freeways, which in turn became clogged as well.  After several hours of sitting in traffic, several people left their vehicles and walked away.

    “I just locked my car and walked home,” said Martin Foreman, an investment banker from Century City.  “It was a ten mile walk or so, but it was getting late, and I didn’t want to sleep in my car.  This is just ridiculous.”

    While many echoed that sentiment, it wasn’t so easy for everyone to just leave their cars.  “I live out in San Bernardino,” said Lucas Forsythe, a music agent who works all over the LA area.  “I was up in Burbank with a few clients, and now I’m stuck in downtown LA.  I’m not walking all the way home by myself, not with the Terminator Gangs and the Na’vi Nation out there.”

    Indeed, the various street gangs inspired by James Cameron movies, who have been annoying pests for the past few years, have been spotted along several freeways, looting cars and trucks.  Some incidents have even gotten bloody around East Los Angeles and Monterey Park.  Many families have also elected to stick it out in hopes that things will pass.  “It’s just not safe,” said Julie Newman-Porter, a mother of two from Anaheim and currently stuck on the 405 near Long Beach.  “I’m not risking my children’s lives by walking.  And I’ve never liked James Cameron’s movies anyway.”

    Three days ago, Monster Man was in Hollywood, working as a consultant on an untitled action movie.  The decision by Universal to hire a “reformed” supervillain was considered a dubious decision by many people outside (and inside) the studio, but Universal stuck by its decision.  Apparently, Monster Man became enraged by the portrayal of the supervillain and rampaged across the studio lot.  A battle with the West Coast Peace Force raged all across the greater LA area, destroying several roads and freeways in the process.  This caused all sorts of traffic diversions and the eventual gridlock.

    “It’s just amazing how fast it happened,” said Martinez.  “LA traffic has always been bad, but we’ve always figured things out.  But this is just astounding.”  Mayor Garcetti’s office said that his team is working around the clock to unclog the streets but noted that it’ll take time to identify the blockage points.  The West Coast Peace Force said they’d help as soon as they returned from a space mission that just came up.

    For now, people are helping out their neighbors by bringing food and water to those stuck in their vehicles.  Some have even invited residents into their houses for the night.  “We have to look out for each other,” said Paula Urlacher, a retired teacher from Glendale.  “Someone has to with all the Terminator and Avatar cosplayers out there.”