The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Las Vegas

  • Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

    Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LAS VEGAS – Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested for cheating at several blackjack tables at the Rio Hotel & Casino using “Martian powers,” which they do not possess.

    After selling their land to oil companies, the Martian-Americans of North Dakota were flush with cash.  Some are traveling the world, some have relocated to Miami and New York, and some have moved to Las Vegas.  Over the past several weeks, they’ve become world-class gamblers.  The casinos took notice.

    “At first they were welcomed here with open arms,” said Lance Koblich, reporter for the Las Vegas Sentinel.  “Especially on the Strip.  People would take pictures with them, and they were just having fun.  And the city wants to build a spaceport in the future, so the city and county were eager to have them here, show that Vegas was an intergalactic destination.”

    The Martian-Americans loved to gamble and took to blackjack in particular.  Initially, they had the same luck as most patrons, but they quickly became masters at the game.  Night after night, they won more than they lost.  That’s when the casinos became suspicious.

    “One night, six of them pulled in $35,000 at the Rio,” said Koblich.  “They’ve only been in town for a couple weeks and apparently have never played blackjack before.  And they bragged about it, too.”

    The casinos started following their activities, and after another big payday, $26,000, the Rio called the police.  Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested on suspicion of cheating.  Neither the Rio nor the police would comment on how exactly the Martian-Americans cheated, but sources reported they cheated via Martian telepathy, skin color manipulation, and X-Ray vision.   Martians do not possess any of these powers.

    “It’s just ignorance and bigotry,” said Lo’m Carter, now living in Miami.  “We win at your games at your casinos, and the only way we can do that is through superpowers?  We don’t have any superpowers.  At best we can withstand the heat and cold better than you humans.  How about we’re just good at your stupid games?  How about you don’t treat us like monsters?”

    The ACLU is providing legal counsel for the twelve Martian-Americans, and the twelve have already posted bail.

  • Vegas Plans to Build Spaceport

    Vegas Plans to Build Spaceport

    vegasspaceport

    By Stan Hopewell

    LAS VEGAS – Las Vegas is a vacation destination for many people, and with the increase in business relations and tourism from space aliens, many of those coming to Vegas are not from Earth.  If Vegas has its way, they’ll soon have a spaceport of their own.

    “We welcome all visitors to our great city,” said Las Vegas Mayor, Carolyn Goodman.  “And we welcome visitors from other worlds, too.  No matter what color your skin is, no matter how many eyes you have, no matter if you don’t even have eyes and just sense the world through a mucus membrane that interprets colors and shapes for you somehow, Las Vegas welcomes you.”

    The proposed spaceport would be constructed northeast of the city.  It would have 20 gates to start out and would be able to double its capacity in the future.  Currently, Virgin Galactic and Starlines are the only commercial spaceship lines in talks to support the Vegas spaceport.

    But the City of Las Vegas and the State of Nevada face a steep climb to getting approval from the federal government to build a public, commuter spaceport.  Currently, only New Romford, Houston, and Cape Canaveral have spaceports, and they’re all run or overseen by the federal government.  Space tourism advocates have long lobbied for restrictions to be loosened for new construction.

    “We’re losing out on billions of dollars here,” said Jay Mora, Director of the Space Tourism Board.  “Aliens are coming to our planet one way or another, usually through legitimate channels, but sometimes they just come here.  Some stay here because they fell in love with Earth.  We have so much to offer them, even if they’re just here for a few weeks.  Do you know that most space aliens don’t know what rock ‘n’ roll is?  Or what superheroes are?  Or have never seen a canyon that wasn’t filled with skin-dissolving acid?  Some planets have plants that literally shoot spikes at you for looking at them funny.  Some places are just painful, and they want to relax.”

    If the federal government does loosen restrictions, then several cities could follow Vegas’s lead.  New York and Los Angeles are obvious contenders for spaceport, but cities like Nashville and Salt Lake City have also expressed interest in bringing in space tourists (the latter is a proposal not by the city but by the Church of Latter Day Saints).  So far, the federal government hasn’t commented on Vegas’s proposal.