The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Muskrat

  • Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    By Chase Chapley

    A report released today by the Superhuman Bureau of Statistics said that 78% of intra-superhero battles are due to “misunderstandings” among the combatants.

    The SBS researched 50 years of intra-superhero battles from all known battles recorded in their archives, which are widely considered to be the most comprehensive data source for superhuman activities in the world.  They defined “intra-superhero battles” as “consisting of at least two superheroes,” and they included combatants who have been supervillains in the past or present but were considered superheroes at the time.  As for what constituted a “misunderstanding,” that was murkier.

    “Generally, a ‘misunderstanding’ as we’ve defined it,” said Jordan States, lead researcher for the report, “is when two or more superheroes fought each other upon their initial meeting and then teamed up to fight a common enemy soon thereafter.  We assume, much as the superheroes did, that each side thought the other was working against them.  Then, they tussled for a bit before someone asked someone else what was going on.”

    “You’d be surprised how many superheroes don’t even bother to ask their fellow heroes what’s going on,” he added.

    That number turned out to be 2,403 battles in the past 50 years for about 48 intra-superhero battles per year.  (Note:  the report did not include sparring matches or training sessions.)  The high number didn’t seem to surprise Professor George Quinton, founder of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes.

    “Yeah, that makes sense,” he said.  “This is a high-adrenaline job, so it makes sense that some people just barge in without thinking.  That’s why it’s one of the first lessons I used to teach kids.  If you see another superhero, ask first, punch later.  After all, it could still be a shapeshifter.”

    The report also notes that the rate of intra-superhero battles has decreased in the past ten years.  Last year, there were only 32 incidents.

    “You only have seconds to make a decision,” said the Muskrat.  “Sometimes, you don’t have the intel you need, and you just have to make a gut call.  In a perfect world, yeah, we wouldn’t fight our own.  It’d save time and energy, but we don’t live in that world.”

    “And you never know when it’ll be a damn shapeshifter.”

  • Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

    Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

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    Muskrat file photo

    By Buffy Bolivar

    QUEENS, New York – In one of the strangest, and cutest, team-ups to date, Muskrat and the QTπ’s joined forces to stop a toy monster from rampaging through Queens today.

    Muskrat, the clawed superhero who specializes in getting dirty, was in Brooklyn today for undisclosed reasons when he heard reports of a monster in Queens.  The QTπ’s, the pre-teen, all-girls superhero team, were at a Mets game in Citi Field when the monster landed on the field.  It was a giant Teddy Ruxbin that had gained sentience through the machinations of the QTπ’s archenemy, Count Von Badd and his son, Prince Von Badd.

    The QTπ’s flew into action, pounding and zapping the giant Teddy Ruxbin with all their might, but the bear would not stop.  It stomped all over the field, sending players and fans running, all the while asking if the girl superheroes wanted to be his friend.  The QTπ’s reportedly declined.

    Muskrat flew in a helicopter to the scene and dove onto the head of Teddy Ruxbin.  He slashed through the hide of Teddy to get at the circuitry inside, but the bear spun its head in circles, sending him flying.  Punch Girl caught him mid-air despite the fact Muskrat is four-times her size.  This was when he realized the QTπ’s were on the scene and that he was fighting Teddy Ruxbin.

    The girl superheroes became giddy at the sight of a Peace Force member teaming up with them, according to eye witnesses, and Muskrat didn’t know how to respond.  Spotting an opening, Teddy Ruxbin tried to stomp on them while also trying to tell them a fairy tale.  For the next several minutes, the QTπ’s and Muskrat concentrated on clearing the park of civilians while keeping the giant robotic bear from leaving.

    Punch Girl and Muskrat flew around to the back of Teddy Ruxbin while Bomb Girl, Mad Madison, and Flower Power Girl kept its eyes on them.  Muskrat cut into the paneling on Teddy’s back, and Punch Girl ripped it off.  Inside was a giant cassette tape that appeared to be controlling the robot.  Not knowing what it was, Punch Girl punched it into pieces, and the Teddy Ruxbin shut down.

    A monitor behind the cassette tape showed Count and Prince Von Badd laughing maniacally and cursing the QTπ’s for ruining their plans, somehow alternating between those two verbalizations, and Punch Girl punched that, too.  No one knows what the Von Badd’s plans ultimately were.

    The QTπ’s were able to gather all the pieces of the Teddy Ruxbin and fly it to an NYPD evidence shelter for further investigation.  They also managed to rebuild the destroyed parts of Citi Field, though the groundskeepers will need to resod part of the grass.

    And of course, the QTπ’s got selfies with an uncomfortable Muskrat, all at once.

  • ‘Reboot Man’ Caught Impersonating Muskrat

    ‘Reboot Man’ Caught Impersonating Muskrat

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    File photo of Denver in his previous identity, North-Star

    By Buffy Borgeron

    NEW YORK – Clayman, the superhero more commonly known as “Reboot Man” for the numerous “reboots” he’s experienced, was caught in New York today impersonating fellow superhero Muskrat while stopping a convenience store robbery in Brooklyn.

    Denied membership in several superhero teams months ago, Ray Denver, now known as Clayman, has been struggling to make a living as a superhero.  He declared he would patrol the Northeast, presumably as himself, to build up his profile.  Nowhere did he mention he would impersonate other superheroes.

    “Ray sometimes morphs into a known superhero to catch bad guys off guard,” read a statement from Denver’s “team,” though most experts believe Denver wrote it himself.  “When he does this, it’s just for strategic purposes.  Eventually, his clay powers manifest in battle, and it becomes evident that he is Clayman.  That is all.”

    But the superhero community isn’t buying it.  In the past two weeks, there have been several incidents of the superheroes Titana, Muskrat, Professor Stratosphere, Tara Target, and others in New York and Philadelphia, cities these superheroes don’t typically visit.

    “It damages our reputation,” said Tara Target from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes.  “People will only see part of the battle, and they’ll see me or the Muskrat, and they’ll think it’s us.  It wouldn’t be so bad except that Clayman is such a terrible fighter.  He puts innocent bystanders in danger on a regular basis.  At the school here, our first lesson is to protect the innocent even at the cost to yourself or capturing the criminal.  We drill that into everyone everyday, and Clayman completely disregards that.”

    These incidents have sent 13 people to the hospital for various injuries.  The New York and Philadelphia police departments have put out warrants for Titana and Muskrat, respectively, for their supposed incidents, but given the recent revelation that Clayman has been impersonating superheroes, those warrants have now shifted to Denver.

    The incident that revealed Denver’s tactics happened last night when he attempted to stop a robbery of a Brooklyn convenience store.  Surveillance cameras show him morphing into Muskrat and barging into the store.  The assailants fired at “Muskrat,” and he absorbed the bullets and spat them back.  The bullets hit the assailants knocking them onto the ground but also hit a bystander in the back of the store.  Everyone survived, but “Muskrat” ran away from the store before police could arrive.

    The real Muskrat could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer has said his client is “very disappointed in his fellow superhero”.

  • Muskrat Fights Four Supervillains on Same Day, Different Places

    Muskrat Fights Four Supervillains on Same Day, Different Places

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    by Packie Williams

    CARTERSON — The Muskrat, Headmaster of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, solo adventurer, and Peace Force member, has long been one of the most active superheroes for the past 30 years.  An advanced healing system and a superior learning ability have helped him master over 50 different fighting styles and nearly as many languages.  He’s used his skills to defeat hundreds of supervillains and thousands of henchmen on Earth and across the galaxy.

    While he’s a well-traveled hero, the Muskrat has never fought four separate supervillains on the same day, in different locations.  The obvious question is how did he do it?

    This morning at around 10:45 am EST, the Muskrat was seen fighting Superjock & Nerdboy with some fellow teachers and students at The Quinton School in Carterson.  The supervillain team attacked the school for rejecting their admittance even though neither of them is a superhero and are both in their 30s.  It’s reported that they claimed to be reformed, but that claim ran counter to their attack.

    Then around noon EST, the Muskrat was seen fighting Lunar (pronounced Lu-NARRR), the Moon Pirate in New Orleans.  Lunar was smuggling some unknown goods into the city when the Muskrat caught wind of his activities.  The fight began at the docks but turned into a street chase through the French Quarter.  The Muskrat was on his motorcycle while Lunar rode his motorboatcycle.  Witnesses reported that the chase lasted until at least 1:30 pm EST (12:30 local time), concluding in an abandoned warehouse near the edge of the city.  Muskrat and Lunar fought again, this time with a couple dozen pirate henchmen, ending in a massive explosion at around 2:10 pm EST.  Lunar was turned over to the FBI by the Muskrat, who stayed for another half-hour to answer the authorities’ questions.

    If that wasn’t enough, the Muskrat was also seen with the Peace Force in Rome fighting Julie Caesar, the supposed descendant of Julius Caesar, as she attempted a takeover of the Italian Capital Building.  Using a mind control device, she was able to take over much of Parliament in an attempt to resurrect the Roman Empire.  The Peace Force caught wind of the scheme and, with the Muskrat in tow, was able to fight back her robotic centurion army.  The battle began at 2:15 pm EST (8:15 local time) and lasted for another three hours.

    Naturally, the question is how did the Muskrat be in three separate places, thousands of miles apart, in one day.  His travel methods have been the subject of many rumors over the years, most of them easily dismissed or disproven.  The most common is that the Muskrat has a secret teleporting ability, but most experts believe he has access to a teleport machine courtesy of Dr. Amazing or the Peace Force.

    “The counterargument to that theory,” said Juan Diego Montana, hypertravel expert with McDowell Aeronautics, “is that no other superhero has shown such a proclivity to being in multiple spots on the same day apart from known teleporters.  Plus, teleporting machines are incredibly large and require huge amounts of power, which is why they’re not more common.  And even the fastest of Peace Force jets get from New Romford to London in an hour.”

    “Honestly,” said Diego Montana, “I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a dozen of Muskrats.  Who knows how many clones of that guy are running around?”  The Muskrat declined to comment on his travel arrangements or clone speculation.

  • Another Future Muskrat With Dire Warnings Shows Up in Present

    By Packie Williams

    muskratweb
    File photo

    Ever since the invention of time travel in 1976, people have been using it to give dire warnings of future events to the past.  Today, another future version of the superhero Muskrat has shown up in Tompkins Square proclaiming doom and gloom for the future.  It’s the 12th future Muskrat to date.

    For some reason, Future Muskrat 12 had a braided beard flowing from under his mask and wore multiple necklaces and body armor.  He appeared in a blaze of light in the middle of Tompkins Square and got into a scuffle with the NRPD.  He fired laser guns at the officers and demanded to speak to his younger self.

    While Present Muskrat was en route from The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, Titana dropped in from the sky to have a word with the time traveler.  Apparently, this upset Future Muskrat 12.  He began firing his laser guns at Titana.  They fought for a couple minutes, throwing park benches and food carts at each other.  Present Muskrat jumped from his private jet along with a couple of his students and landed in between the battle.

    The Present and Future Muskrats had a conversation, though no word from the Peace Force or The Quinton School as to what was discussed.  After a minute of talking, Titana grabbed both of the Muskrats and flew them back into the jet while the students stayed behind to help clean up the mess.

    The Peace Force has a standard protocol they follow when a Future Visitor with Dire Warnings (a FVDW for short) comes to the present.  The FVDW is taken to the Peace Force Headquarters for evaluation and authentication, and then the FVDW has to fill out several forms about the dire warning.  The Peace Force is rumored to have a storage room dedicated to nothing but dire warnings.  Once the FVDW is authenticated as being a true time traveler, and their dire warning notarized, they are allowed to stay no more than three contiguous days in the present.  Then, they must head back to their present one way or another.

    The Peace Force is not required to disclose the contents of the dire warnings due to the sensitivity of the information, but the President and select world leaders are notified of each FVDW.

  • Nanites Finally Under Control

    Nanites Finally Under Control

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    The nanite rampage at the Quinton School for Young Superheroes is finally over.  Professor Stratosphere, with assistance from ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing, were able to find the cause of the nanites’ malfunction and stopped their ceaseless building last night.

    “It turns out there was some malicious code in their programming,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “I won’t say for certain where the code came from, but I have some guesses on who could’ve put it in there.  One of our many enemies to be sure.”

    It had been three weeks since the rampage had begun as the nanites kept building new structures after the Pop Man attack on the day the school reopened.  The nanites crept to the school’s property line, threatening the residents of Carterson with gargoyle statues and spikes.  Faculty and students had been destroying buildings on a regular basis to slow them down, and they even got some of the residents to help out.

    Finally, the ordeal is over, and many of the students are relieved to be able to rest.  “It’s just been a lot of busy work,” said Jason Mirth, a.k.a. Stone Fist.  “My hands hurt.  I think I’m going to sleep for a week.”

    Before, the residents had to deal with all the noise of the destruction, but now that it’s over, there’s an eerie quiet in town.  “It’s really weird,” said Wanda Platt.  “Everyone had to speak up and yell, basically, to talk for the past week or so.  We all just got used to it.  Now, it’s really quiet, and no one wants to break the silence.

    “But I’m glad it’s over.  I just hope I can get to sleep tonight without all the white noise.”

  • Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

    Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

    gargoyleswebBy Buffy Bolivar

    The nanites from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes are still rampaging on the campus as students and faculty have set up a rotating schedule for destroying new buildings as they come.  Now, the residents of Carterson have been invited to help out.

    Headmaster Muskrat has offered some residents to opportunity to vent their frustrations of the nanites by letting them destroy buildings alongside the students and faculty.  “This is more fun than I thought it’d be,” said Jill Hadley.  “The lady with the weird face tattoos [faculty member Tara Target] gave me this giant hammer to smash things with.  The hammer isn’t as heavy as it looks, but it still smashes things good.”

    “I’ve destroyed 20 gargoyles today!”

    Residents have been helping out the school, not just to give the students and faculty a break, but also to help preserve their homes from unwanted gargoyles and spikes.  Members of a local gym have come by, mostly for the exercise.  “I’m all for a full-body workout,” said Jon Anthony.  “Smashing buildings uses every muscle in your body.  It’s great for bodybuilding.”

    But some residents aren’t so happy about this.  Mary Landers wouldn’t mind if the nanites came over and helped out her house.  “I wouldn’t mind have a second floor and a garage,” she said.  “Can’t they let a few of them robots come over and remodel my house?  I wouldn’t even mind a few gargoyles.”

    Meanwhile, the Muskrat assured residents that Professor Stratosphere was close to a solution to stomp the rampage.