The New Romford Free Press

Tag: QTπ’s

  • Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

    Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

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    By Chase Chapley

    Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea.  The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked.  The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.

    Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars.  Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19th floor.  He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.

    Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods.  Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2.  The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face.  He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.

    Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand.  When the C Train left the 56th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions.  This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times.  Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate.  Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here.  Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service.  They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult.  For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”

  • Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

    Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

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    Muskrat file photo

    By Buffy Bolivar

    QUEENS, New York – In one of the strangest, and cutest, team-ups to date, Muskrat and the QTπ’s joined forces to stop a toy monster from rampaging through Queens today.

    Muskrat, the clawed superhero who specializes in getting dirty, was in Brooklyn today for undisclosed reasons when he heard reports of a monster in Queens.  The QTπ’s, the pre-teen, all-girls superhero team, were at a Mets game in Citi Field when the monster landed on the field.  It was a giant Teddy Ruxbin that had gained sentience through the machinations of the QTπ’s archenemy, Count Von Badd and his son, Prince Von Badd.

    The QTπ’s flew into action, pounding and zapping the giant Teddy Ruxbin with all their might, but the bear would not stop.  It stomped all over the field, sending players and fans running, all the while asking if the girl superheroes wanted to be his friend.  The QTπ’s reportedly declined.

    Muskrat flew in a helicopter to the scene and dove onto the head of Teddy Ruxbin.  He slashed through the hide of Teddy to get at the circuitry inside, but the bear spun its head in circles, sending him flying.  Punch Girl caught him mid-air despite the fact Muskrat is four-times her size.  This was when he realized the QTπ’s were on the scene and that he was fighting Teddy Ruxbin.

    The girl superheroes became giddy at the sight of a Peace Force member teaming up with them, according to eye witnesses, and Muskrat didn’t know how to respond.  Spotting an opening, Teddy Ruxbin tried to stomp on them while also trying to tell them a fairy tale.  For the next several minutes, the QTπ’s and Muskrat concentrated on clearing the park of civilians while keeping the giant robotic bear from leaving.

    Punch Girl and Muskrat flew around to the back of Teddy Ruxbin while Bomb Girl, Mad Madison, and Flower Power Girl kept its eyes on them.  Muskrat cut into the paneling on Teddy’s back, and Punch Girl ripped it off.  Inside was a giant cassette tape that appeared to be controlling the robot.  Not knowing what it was, Punch Girl punched it into pieces, and the Teddy Ruxbin shut down.

    A monitor behind the cassette tape showed Count and Prince Von Badd laughing maniacally and cursing the QTπ’s for ruining their plans, somehow alternating between those two verbalizations, and Punch Girl punched that, too.  No one knows what the Von Badd’s plans ultimately were.

    The QTπ’s were able to gather all the pieces of the Teddy Ruxbin and fly it to an NYPD evidence shelter for further investigation.  They also managed to rebuild the destroyed parts of Citi Field, though the groundskeepers will need to resod part of the grass.

    And of course, the QTπ’s got selfies with an uncomfortable Muskrat, all at once.