By Chase Chapley
Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea. The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked. The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.
Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars. Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19th floor. He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.
Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods. Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2. The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face. He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.
Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand. When the C Train left the 56th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions. This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times. Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate. Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here. Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service. They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult. For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”