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Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

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By Buffy Bolivar

SYDNEY, Australia – The two pair of giant gray feet hovering over the Australian Outback have been slowly descending from their portals for the past week, and so far, they’ve only descended enough to show their calves.

Information about where the feet came from or, more importantly, why they appeared above Australia is hard to come by.  Energy signatures from the portals share a common signature from the Carsi Nebula from the Pegasus Galaxy, but as little is known about either, scientists don’t know what to make of it.

Better measurements of the feet were able to be taken seeing as the feet don’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.  Pair A, the feet that are facing northwest, are 9.15 km long (5.65 miles) and 4.67 km wide (2.9 miles).  Pair B, facing southwest, are 10.14 km long (6.3 miles) and 4.43 km wide (2.75 miles).  It is hypothesized that Pair A is a male giant and Pair B is a female giant, based on scans of their skeletal structure, though this is assuming the rest of their bodies are similar to humans above the calves.

“Honestly, we don’t know anything beyond the ankles,” said Professor Stratosphere, who has been stationed in Australia along with a rotating team of Peace Force members since last week.  “They certainly look human, but well, they’re gigantic.  They could have the upper bodies of goats or fish for all we know, let alone any creature we’d recognize on Earth.  It’s far too soon to make any assumptions, no matter how fun doing that may be.”

For the most part, the Australian people themselves seem to be taking this all in stride.  A recent poll showed 63% of Australians are “not worried about the giant feet” and 14% of Australians are “very worried about the giant feet” with a note that these people lived in the Outback.

“Well, they’re not doing anything,” said Jossie Mantlebroad, a resident of Canberra.  “You can see them wherever you go, and they just sit there.  What are we supposed to do about it?  I’ll worry about them blokes once they come out of their hole and walk about.  Until then, I got to round up these kangaroo and feed the wallaby.”

Mantlebroad works at the Canberra Zoo.  More news to come on these slowly descending story.