The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Speedster’

Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

By Chase Chapley Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea.  The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked.  The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and… Read More

National News Roundup

By Stan Hopewell FORT WORTH, Texas – A herd of 50-60 wild Minotaurs stampeded through the Jacksboro Highway yesterday, causing havoc for nearly 10 miles.  It’s not known why the Minotaurs were stampeding.  The 15-foot bull-man-beasts were running at top speed into the city and weren’t speaking in a human language.  Authorities tried to stop them with their guns and a couple National Guard tanks, but nothing was able to stop them.  Dallas-area superhero, Dynamite… Read More

Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

By Buffy Bolivar NEW YORK – Longtime Speedster supervillain The Tortoise gave his archnemesis a run for her money today by hopping through multiple dimensions before finally being defeated on Ellis Island. The Tortoise, a.k.a. Mortimer Tortois, has been antagonizing Speedster for the past 40 years, starting with the second Speedster of the 60s, 70s, and 80s.  With each new iteration, Tortois has found a way by science or magic to speed himself up or… Read More

Report: Female Superheroes Fight Crime Better in ‘Practical’ Costumes

By Falco Rockbert In a new report published by New Romford University, it was found that female superheroes who fight in “practical” costumes tend to fight crime better than those female superheroes who fight in more “traditional” costumes. Looking over the past 20 years, the research division at NRU analyzed multiple data points with regard to female superheroes.  They analyzed number of arrests, arrest rates, bystander injuries, property damage, injuries to superheroes, and average battle… Read More

Henchmen Abandon Golden Age Supervillain in Battle for Being Racist, Sexist

By Stan Hopewell NEW YORK – The Golden Age supervillain, the Sinister Sneaker, terrorized much of Manhattan during the 30s and 40s.  After spending 20 years in prison, the Sinister Sneaker, a.k.a. Jules Fanning, retired from villainy to run a successful shoe chain in the 70s and 80s.  Apparently, the villainy hadn’t retired as he returned today with new henchmen intent on attacking Times Square. The henchmen abandoned him ten minutes into the fight after… Read More

Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

By Muffy Borgeron ATOM Labs has released an official report of Gil Heredia’s death from falling into a vat of chemicals several months ago.  The short answer:  don’t fall into a vat of chemicals. Many superheroes and supervillains have been created by being exposed to a vast array of chemicals.  Speedster, Tara Target, and at least a dozen more are credited with chemical-based origin stories, and many more have been speculated upon though not confirmed. … Read More

Despite Testimony from Mutated Bug, Lightning Bug Sentenced to 35 Years

By Chase Chapley After two weeks of arguments, the jury in the trial of the Lightning Bug, a.k.a. Horace Wagner, convicted him on nearly every charge against him.  The judge sentenced him to 35 years in prison with possibility for parole after 10 years. Wagner’s attorney tried to argue that his client exploded the Verzatt Estates in self-defense due to Speedster’s pursuit of him.  They even brought one of Wagner’s mutated bugs up to testify,… Read More