The New Romford Free Press

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Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

speedsterbwBy Buffy Bolivar

NEW YORK – Longtime Speedster supervillain The Tortoise gave his archnemesis a run for her money today by hopping through multiple dimensions before finally being defeated on Ellis Island.

The Tortoise, a.k.a. Mortimer Tortois, has been antagonizing Speedster for the past 40 years, starting with the second Speedster of the 60s, 70s, and 80s.  With each new iteration, Tortois has found a way by science or magic to speed himself up or slow Speedster down.  This time, he had an experimental device implanted into his mechanical shell that allowed him to hop through dimensions, mimicking super speed via bending spacetime.

“It really did look like he was super fast,” said Bryan Armstrong, who witnessed the beginning and ending of the encounter on Ellis Island.  “One moment, blip, he’s gone, and the next he’s right next to Speedster.  It was really weird.  An old fat dude with a giant metal turtle shell shouldn’t be able to move that fast.”

The incident began on Ellis Island with The Tortoise dropping down in his giant Tortoise Copter and spitting out fire from its four “legholes”.   The fire dispersed the crowd, and when The Tortoise emerged, Speedster was waiting for him.  She had received his message.

According to witnesses, Speedster immediately ran to The Tortoise, but he disappeared before she could lay a hand on him.  The Tortoise reappeared on the other side of the island, called out to Speedster.  She ran towards him, and again, he disappeared.  This sequence repeated itself a few more times until The Tortoise began to attack Speedster.  After a few blows, Speedster “ran away”, and The Tortoise thought he had won.  But Speedster had apparently run around the Earth to approach The Tortoise from behind.  Once she tackled him, they both disappeared.

Thus far, Speedster and the NYPD are not saying where the two went, but given that they both returned to Ellis Island an hour later in different, but similar, clothes, it’s likely they went to different dimensions.  The device, coming from a research lab at MIT, has been reported to be a dimension traveling apparatus that was stolen last night.  Sources at MIT have confirmed the energy signature of The Tortoise match that of the device.

Why Speedster and The Tortoise were wearing clothes with Jared from Subway on them is unknown.  Presumably, they spent time in a dimension where Jared from Subway is their king.

Tortois has been arrested, the device has been secured and turned off, and the mechanical turtle shell has been dismantled.  Speedster has not indicated whether her new variant costume will stick around.