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Henchmen Abandon Golden Age Supervillain in Battle for Being Racist, Sexist

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By Stan Hopewell

NEW YORK – The Golden Age supervillain, the Sinister Sneaker, terrorized much of Manhattan during the 30s and 40s.  After spending 20 years in prison, the Sinister Sneaker, a.k.a. Jules Fanning, retired from villainy to run a successful shoe chain in the 70s and 80s.  Apparently, the villainy hadn’t retired as he returned today with new henchmen intent on attacking Times Square.

The henchmen abandoned him ten minutes into the fight after he made several racist and sexist remarks.

“I guess I don’t know what to expect when we were out in public,” said Jason McCoy, one of the henchmen who willingly turned himself into police.  “The guy’s a legend in our world, so we were all just happy to work with him.  But the dude’s super old, and I didn’t even realize until it was too late that every henchmen was a white guy.  That probably should’ve tipped me off.”



The Sinister Sneaker, riding a hover chair and hooked up to an oxygen tank, led his crew into Times Square to destroy property with laser rifles and magnetic gloves.  The Sneaker was hooked up to a loud speaker on his chair and started monologging.  His exact words weren’t recorded, but several witnesses and henchmen remember him talking about “the excess of the future” and “hard work turned us into real men”.  Then, he began to address the crowd.

“Look, I was all onboard for blasting stuff,” said another henchmen, Paul Barton, who also turned himself in to police.  “But I was not onboard for any of the stuff he said.  First, he made some comment about a black guy with a white woman.  They were a couple, I guess, and that made him mad.  Then he saw some Latino dudes, and that was just awful.  Then he saw some girls using their phones to take pictures of him and started ranting about women not taking him seriously or whatever.”

“I’m not going to repeat what he said, but dude, it was bad,” said Barton.  “I was done after that.  So was everyone else.  This guy may be a legend, but he’s old as [expletive], and I was done.”

Half of the henchmen turned themselves over to the police.  This was before Speedster arrived on the scene, and she was able to round up the rest who ran.  The Sinister Sneaker continued his rampage by himself for about two minutes before Speedster dismantled his hover chair.  He was met with a chorus of boos from the crowd, not for attacking them but for his comments.

“Psh, a supervillain attacks Times Square is boring,” said Speedster.  “No one pays attention to that crap, but racist old codgers, yeah, [expletive] that noise.”