Category: Local

  • Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

    Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

    barbarian castle

    By Chase Chapley

    The barbarian castle in Dukes has remained in place despite Vrog’s magic no longer holding it in place.  How it remains is unknown, but the owner of the land it sits on is making the most of it.

    “It’s added a whole new dimension to the block,” said Karl Oppenheim, owner of the Seaside Shopping Centre.  “At first, I was devastated by having a castle in my shopping center, but after thinking about it for a bit, I realized this was an opportunity in the making.”

    Oppenheim has turned the castle into the Seaside Castle, a theme restaurant and party venue.  Employees are dressed in barbarian garb, and patrons are encouraged to dress up as barbarians themselves.  The courtyard has a souvenir shop and mock barbarian battles, and every Wednesday night, the Seaside Castle turns into an immersive experience.

    “Wednesday nights are so much fun,” said Oppenheim.  “People come in dressed as barbarians or we dress them up ourselves, and then we have a huge role-playing experience.  We’ll have mock battles with foam clubs, sometimes we’ll dress up as knights and do a joust, and sometimes we’ll mix up the genres and do a zombie escape run.  Basically, we take advantage of having a castle and have fun.”

    Oppenheim and ATOM Labs assured the public that Vrog’s magic no longer has any substantial effects in and around the castle, though some employees have reported feeling more aggressive than normal.  ATOM Labs said that some “residual magic is to be expected,” but that the effects are “not longterm.”  For his part, Oppenheim isn’t concerned.

    “I’ve been here the most out of anyone,” he said.  “And I feel fine.  Why?  What have you heard?  Who are you talking to?  I want names.”

    Perhaps not coincidentally, a pot dealer set up shop one block down offering a discount on their Barbarian Brownie for anyone who brings in a receipt from the Seaside Castle.

  • Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

    Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

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    By Chase Chapley

    After returning from a losing bid in International Time Court, Hellena was sentenced to 40 years in prison for stealing an experimental device from ATOM Labs.

    Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana, returned to New Romford from Paris after all nine Time Judges denied her request to be tried by them rather than New Romford City Court.  The Time Judges were not persuaded by her attorney’s arguments.  Neither was the jury, as they only needed five minutes deliberation to render a guilty verdict.

    This time, Hellena didn’t rush to attack the judge, largely because she was bound by more powerful restraints.  In fact, she appeared to be despondent during the trial, and she did not take the stand.  It’s possible Hellena was resigned to her fate, as there was video and pictures taken from ATOM Labs and Bayland Amusement Park, or she was trying to play on the jury’s sympathy.  Her attorney did open and close with her time-displaced nature.

    Either way, the jury rendered a unanimous guilty verdict, and Judge Caroline de Costa sentenced Hellena to serve 40 years in Granite Prison with possibility for parole in 20 years.

    Titana was also in attendance but didn’t take the stand either.  According to those in attendance, Titana and Hellena met eyes only once, and that was when Hellena was being escorted out of the courtroom after the trial.  Titana did not answer any questions.

  • Apparently We All Turned Into Barbarians Last Night

    Apparently We All Turned Into Barbarians Last Night

    barbarian castle

    By Packie Williams

    In another strange-yet-normal-for-New-Romford tale, the entire city and metropolitan area of New Romford magically turned into a barbarian kingdom, and we turned into barbarian warriors and servants.

    Don’t remember it?  That’s because the magic that turned us into barbarians also erased all memory of it from our minds and from the landscape.  But a barbarian castle now exists on the coastline in Dukes, and scientists detect high amounts of magic radiation from it.

    “The rocks used to build it are ancient,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Julie Redbird.  “They’re not like any rocks in the area, and they’ve clearly been weathered down.  The magic radiation is faint, and this clearly wasn’t here yesterday morning.  It looks like it was dropped down onto the parking garage beneath it, so I hope no one was under there.”

    Crews are still excavating the ground around and underneath the barbarian castle, which stands 100 feet tall.  Initial life scans came back negative for the area, but records show that at least 30 cars were parked there last night.  The local businesses, who haven’t had any barbarian structures drop onto their properties, are naturally worried about the lack of parking spaces.

    “This area has always been had terrible parking,” said Seaside Shopping Centre  owner, Karl Oppenheim.  “The parking lot was new and helped out quite a bit, so I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

    How the barbarian castle got there is still to be determined, but the magic radiation emanating from the castle matches the signature of Vrog, a known dark sorcerer from the stone age.  Preliminary tests have shown the same faint magic signature all over New Romford, on people, buildings, and animals.  The gashes and cuts on the stones of the castle suggest a battle took place last night, probably for the fate of the world.  The Peace Force is investigating what happened but seem to be at a loss themselves.

    “The findings from ATOM Labs and scientists across the New Romford area,” read a Peace Force statement, “certainly suggest Vrog turned us all into barbarians for some unknown, yet likely nefarious, purpose.  None of our members have any recollection of last night, if it did happen in just one night as you never know with magic, but our own magic users agree that something happened.  Currently, we don’t know where Vrog is, but we will continue our search for him.”

    Unlike the Dino-Day Disaster of several months ago, this latest city-wide change incident has left minimal scars on New Romford.  Reports from around the city show ancient rocks have suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

    More information to come on this story.

  • Dinosaur Queen’s Trial Pushed Back

    Dinosaur Queen’s Trial Pushed Back

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    By Chase Chapley

    NEW YORK – Dinosaur Queen’s trial, which was expected to begin next week, is being pushed back another two months as federal prosecutors and the State Department determine her legal status for her attack on New Romford.

    Dinosaur Queen has been imprisoned in an undisclosed location since being captured following the Dino-Day Disaster, which has led to 85 deaths (five more have died since the initial reports).  Her trial was moved away from New Romford, partially because she would not receive a fair trial there, but mostly to avoid provoking any further pain and suffering to residents in New Romford.  The trial was moved to New York soon after her capture.

    Now federal prosecutors and the State Department are debating if Dinosaur Queen should be put on trial at all.  Sources inside the State Department have heard strong arguments for sending her to the supervillain wing of Guantanamo Bay.  There, she would be kept with fewer legal restrictions regarding criminal law or human rights.

    Surprisingly, most New Romforders want Dinosaur Queen to stand trial in New York.  A recent poll showed 59% support a public trial.  “I think it shows a faith in the legal system to do its job,” said legal expert Burt Montana.  “I think people want to see her on TV, on trial answering for her crimes.  If you send her to Guantanamo or some other far off gulag, then you’re not going to get the same satisfaction.”

    For now, Dinosaur Queen will remain wherever she is until the State Department makes its decision.

  • Pumpkin Pi Uses Clones as Henchmen in Latest Chemical Caper

    Pumpkin Pi Uses Clones as Henchmen in Latest Chemical Caper

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    By Muffy Borgeron

    The math-themed supervillain with a pumpkin for a head, Pumpkin Pi, robbed the Spade Chemical Plant last night with at least 15 clones as henchmen.

    Pumpkin Pi, who still claims he isn’t ripping off Sleepy Hollow and is simply the result of a weird pumpkin spice chemical accident, stole several gallons of unnamed chemicals from the Spade Chemical Plant, again.  Usually, he robs places with his Gourd Gang in tow, but Squash, Muscat, nor Atlantic Giant were with him.  Instead, he had at least 15 clones as henchmen.

    The clones all wore the same costume, all black clothing and a mask that revealed only the nose and mouth of each henchmen.  Facial recognition software wasn’t able to name any of the henchmen, but it did reveal they all had the same face.

    Sources inside the NRPD have said the multiplier from the quantillium robbery might be the source of these clones as breeding clones in a lab for henchmen purposes would probably be cost prohibitive for Pumpkin Pi.  It’s still too early to tell if these clones came from this multiplier or a different multiplier or if time or interdimensional shenanigans may be at play.  No matter the option, the NRPD have asked the Peace Force for help in the investigation.

    As for last night’s robbery, Pumpkin Pi used his math skills to calculate his attacks, and the henchmen easily subdued the guards within two minutes.  They wheeled eight barrels of chemicals into their vans and escaped before the police arrived on the scene.

    Pumpkin Pi is still at large, somehow, with a pumpkin for a head.

  • Area Woman’s Daughter Is A Triceratops (Yes, Really)

    Area Woman’s Daughter Is A Triceratops (Yes, Really)

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    By Chase Chapley

    Susan Wong thought she had lost her daughter during the Dino-Day Disaster.  She was nine-months pregnant at the time when she was transformed into a Triceratops, and like most of the city, she was confused and anxious, and her hormones didn’t help either.  Then she gave birth.  To an egg.

    “I was so excited to be a mother and was actually due in a week,” said Wong.  “My husband and I have been anxiously awaiting the birth of our daughter, and then I laid an egg.  I freaked out.”

    Wong was by herself at the time in Legends Park, and when she was beginning to have labor pains, she found a secluded spot in some bushes.  There, she laid her egg.  Exhausted and “freaked out,” she didn’t have time to contemplate or protect her egg.  The Dino Army was on its way to the park.  She had to run.

    “It was the hardest thing for me to do,” she said, “and I still feel terrible for abandoning my child.  But I tried to hide her as best I could and hoped the Dino Army wouldn’t find her.  I couldn’t carry her with me.”

    When she turned back to human, Wong went back to the park to look for her daughter.  She found egg shells, and the ground was wet.  There was no sign of a child, no tracks, nothing.  Her and her husband searched everywhere and contacted the police for help, but in the aftermath of the DDD, the authorities were stretched thin.  A few officers helped them search, but they found nothing.  “I thought I lost my baby,” she said, failing to hold back tears.

    Fast forward to last week, one of Professor “The Gator” Alan Guinness’s students was walking along the Winston River, and she came across a small Triceratops eating grass.  The Triceratops was about the size of a St. Bernard and was scared upon meeting the undergrad, Kiki Nagasaki.  “The little thing was so cute but also so shy,” she said.  “I grabbed a branch from a tree and inched closer to her.  I held out the branch, hoping she’d eat the leaves and let me get close to her.  And she did.  I petted her, and she just seemed so happy.  Then she tried to cuddle with me with her horns, which really hurt.”

    With the help of some friends, Nagasaki was able to transport the Triceratops to Professor Guinness’s lab, and the good doctor performed some tests.  The results from the DNA scan showed the Triceratops was human in origin, but her DNA was mutated.  Given his personal history with mutation, Guinness released the news to the press.  “I figured someone out there was missing a child,” he said.

    When Susan Wong heard the news, her and her husband rushed to Professor Guinness’s lab.  She knew it was her daughter.  Crying, she ran to her daughter and embraced her.  The Triceratops, perhaps recognizing her mother’s scent, became excited, hopping up and down and poking her mother with her horns (which were covered with blunt rubber tops by now).  The family was reunited.

    The father, Ken, was more befuddled than ecstatic.  While happy that his daughter survived the DDD, he wanted to know why she didn’t change back to a human like everyone else.  “Our working theory,” said Professor Guinness, “is that being transformed in the womb made the transformation permanent.  We’re not really sure why this is the case, but something in the magic the Dinosaur Queen used mixed with the Wongs’ specific genetics must’ve made this stick.”

    Guinness is still studying Lucy, the name the Wongs gave their daughter, and has offered to let her live at his office.  He promised the Wongs he would find a way to change their daughter back to human.  “After all,” he said, “she’s going to get very big.  Triceratops get to be as big as elephants, and being a 12-foot tall alligator man myself, my lab is big enough for Lucy.”

    But the Wongs insisted their daughter live with them for now.  “We’ll probably have to take the doctor up on his offer eventually,” said Susan.  “But for now, I want to spend every day with my daughter.  I’m just so blessed to have her in my life.”

    Ken seemed less enthusiastic.  “I love my daughter, of course,” he said.  “I just wish she didn’t eat so much and poke her horns into me.”

  • Michelle Meyers Charged with Kidnapping, Conspiracy, False Endangerment

    Michelle Meyers Charged with Kidnapping, Conspiracy, False Endangerment

    meyersBy Falco Rockbert

    The former Channel 9 News reporter, Michelle Meyers, has been formally charged with kidnapping and 18 counts of both conspiracy and false endangerment

    Weeks ago, Meyers kidnapped a woman described by the District Attorney, Jonathan Colbert, as “an associate of Adonis.”  Meyers did not harm the woman, but her confrontation with Adonis did lead the NRPD to investigate her other illegal activities.  These consist of paying supervillains to “capture” her so that Adonis would then save her.  A past romantic relationship between them is speculated as the reason for her behavior.

    Since the 1930s, several superheroes have been known as Adonis, and almost all of them have had a female journalist as a love interest.  The reason for this is unknown, but Meyers was the current love interest for this generation’s Adonis, and she had previously broken the record for most saves by one superhero.  The first love interest of Adonis was Janice McManis, which was the name Meyers used to rent the van involved in the kidnapping.

    The NRPD and Peace Force continue to investigate the supervillains Meyers had hired for the false captures.  Most have been cooperative in supplying information about her activities, but the NRPD and Peace Force are looking into where the money went after Meyers paid them.

    Meyers has been kept in her own private wing of County Jail as she awaits her next court hearing in the next week or two.  Altogether, the charges set against her, if found guilty, would send Meyers to prison for the next 40-50 years.