The New Romford Free Press

Category: National

  • After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

    After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

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    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – The superhero Condor-Man was seemingly killed in an explosion chasing Claymore through a factory last week, and after extensive review, Condor-Man has been declared officially dead.

    Paul Condorman, 39, was a graduate student at Northwestern University, studying under Dr. Ian Langford, a biochemist, when he was exposed to radiation, a mixture of chemicals, and condor DNA in a freak accident in his lab 18 years ago.  The accident, which was later discovered to be caused by Langford himself for evil reasons, gave Condorman the power to mind-control birds, granted him a “condor-sense” that has never been fully explained,  and made him seek out dead animal carcasses for food.  Condorman used his new found abilities, plus a jetpack, to become the superhero Condor-Man, somehow hoping no one would figure out who he was behind his “mask.”

    Briefly joining the Peace Force as well as a dozen other short-lived superhero teams, Condor-Man protected Chicago, Milwaukee, and occasionally, the Twin Cities from crime.  He apparently died eight years ago while fighting the alien demigod, Planto, on the moon, but he was actually transferred to a pocket dimension filled with super bees.  He returned to our dimension a year later, redesigned his costume, and returned to protecting the Midwest.

    Last week, Condor-Man was chasing supervillain, Claymore, through a chemical factory when it exploded.  The explosion seems to have been a result of the battle, and Claymore was nowhere to be found.  Condor-Man’s body was recovered from the scene and taken to a special morgue for an autopsy per regulations for any superhuman.

    A Peace Force doctor examined the body to make sure it was actually Paul Condorman and not a clone, shapeshifter, alien, robot, other dimensional being or projection, magic doll, mystical enchantment, or any number of other possibilities.  The results for the doctor concluded that this was Paul Condorman, the Condor-Man, and he is officially dead.

    Condorman is survived by his ex-wife, Laura O’Leary, his brother, Walt Condorman, and his niece, Felicia Condorman.  The Peace Force will pay for the funeral, which will be held this weekend at Holy Name  Cathedral in Chicago.

  • Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

    Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land.

    With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase was Mars, North Dakota.

    “We rich, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern, a young Martian-American.  “We’ve been living on this boring-[expletive] land forever, broke and dealing with all you racist peaches.  You want this land?  Have it!  We gone!”

    While the younger Martian-Americans shared Martin Oh’mern’s exuberance, many of the older members of Mars, ND, were bittersweet about selling their land.

    “I’ve lived here nearly my entire life,” said Lo’m Carter.  “It’s all I’ve known as home.  It’s not always exciting, but it was ours, you know?  But this town wasn’t built for older Martians, and it would cost a fortune to renovate.  Now, we have a fortune.  And we’re going to travel.  I’ve barely left North Dakota.  There’s so much to Earth.  I want to go to Vegas!”

    The town of 455 Martian-Americans will soon be down to 0, and that has some residents concerned this is all a ploy to get rid of them.

    “They give us all this money, supposedly,” said Crav’ern Thomason, “and they tell us to just leave.  Where?  What do we do for a living?  The money will last us for maybe three to five years.  We have to have our clothes specially tailored, our cars specially modified, and our medicine specially made.  That all costs money, lots of money.  Most places don’t hire space aliens.  You think they going to hire us?”

    Cenex and BP have both offered positions to the Martian-Americans, and a few of them have accepted the positions.  The ACLU is offering assistance to the Martian-Americans if they have trouble finding employment or housing.  The U.S. government said in a statement that they “were monitoring the situation.”  Other than that, the Martian-Americans are on their own.

    “I’m going to party, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern.  “I’m going to make these dead peaches rain!”

  • General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

    General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

    By Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – General Kurt Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General with questionable legal standing, is in hot water for sending his Black Force to attack the Xaggarian refugees, resulting in the refugees to fuse into one giant Xaggarian and fly away.  Now, the government is distancing itself from the General, releasing documents of similar incidents by Murdoch.

    In 1988, the Omnimoth attacked Kansas City, MO, destroying over 400 city blocks.  The attack also killed 11 people and injured hundreds more, and in the official reports, General Murdoch’s Black Force killed Omnimoth after it began to attack.  But new documents show that Murdoch instigated the Omnimoth’s rampage when he and his Black Force aimed their rifles at it when it emerged from its pod.  Scientists monitoring the situations reported feeling threatened by Murdoch’s presence and said he escalated the situation to violence before they had a chance to talk with Omnimoth.

    In 1983, another pod creature, Swamp Sam, was wandering around the bayous of Louisiana when Murdoch and his Black Force attacked him.  Swamp Sam used his swamp powers to escape and attacked Baton Rouge.  Murdoch was able to subdue him, and for the past 30 years, Swamp Sam has broken out of prison eight times and committed over 60 acts of theft, vandalism, and battery.

    But according to newly released documents, Swamp Sam was originally Sam Spade, a 20 year-old mechanic with no criminal record before he was mutated by radioactive swamp gas.  When Murdoch found him in the bayou, Spade had just been mutated and was understandably confused.  Several soldiers reported Spade asked for help, but Murdoch ordered his men and the Black Force to attack.

    And the worst incidence happened in 1994 when Murdoch sent Nilrem on his first crime spree.  Nilrem, the evil opposite of Merlin, appeared in our dimension for the first time outside of New Romford.  Initially, Nilrem was fascinated by our world, and his magical pranks were actually magical pranks that didn’t destroy our world or form giant mouths in the Twin Cities.  Then, Murdoch ordered his Black Force to attack, and Nilrem did not take it well.

    The Nilrem Wars claimed the lives of over 300 people, and after his defeat at the hands of the Peace Force, Nilrem vowed to stay in this realm to enact his revenge.  Since then Nilrem has grown mad, and his pranks have become more crazed and erratic.  At least 150 people have died since the Nilrem Wars from his spells, and for some reason, the great magicians have not been able to expel him from our realm.  They suspect Nilrem can only leave of his own volition, and it’s possible he would’ve left already if Murdoch hadn’t been so hasty.

    The government is currently searching for Murdoch, and his captured Black Force compatriots are being interrogated in military custody.  The Xaggarians have not been spotted since their encounter with Murdoch.

  • Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

    Pod People Were Peaceful Refugees Until Superheroes Punched Them

    By Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – The 20 glowing cocoons, or pods depending on your definition, that were fished out of the Hudson River hatched yesterday.  The beings who emerged were peaceful refugees from the planet Xaggar, or at least they were until the superheroes punched them.

    Dr. Kimiko Kashani of Columbia University had been monitoring the glowing pods in her laboratory, and yesterday, the beings inside emerged from what were actually organic escape pods.  They were green and red plant-like beings from the planet Xaggar, and they were fleeing from a devastating war.  “Everything was calm and peaceful when they emerged,” said Dr. Kashani.  “They had learned English through some form of auditory osmosis while in my lab, and they were all just so relieved to be safe.”

    “ And then General Murdoch’s superheroes burst in and began punching them.”

    General Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General of questionable legal standing, must have had someone on the inside, spying on the pods, because they attacked only 10 minutes after the Xaggarians emerged.  His special ops squad, the Black Force, this time consisted of two strongmen, a man with laser blasts, and a ninja.  They began to subdue the scientists and the Xaggarians, and it looked like the Black Force had everything under control.

    Then, the Xaggarians got mad and fused into one giant, 30-foot tall Xaggarian.

    The giant broke the arms of the man with laser blasts and threw one of the strongmen into the Atlantic.  The other strongman tried his best to fight the giant but was no match for the Xaggarian.  He was also thrown into the Atlantic.  The ninja, having no superpowers, disappeared without a fight.

    The giant Xaggarian was still enraged and turned towards the scientists.  Dr. Kashani tried to explain this wasn’t her fault and she really did want to help, but the giant had none of it.  It thanked Kashani, sprouted wings, and flew away.

    “If it weren’t for that pig-headed General Murdoch,” said Kashani, “none of this would’ve ever happened.  They were peaceful.  They wanted nothing more than to find a safe place to live.  Then he comes in, attacks them, and they fight back.  What do he think was going to happen?”

    The Coast Guard fished out the two strongmen, and they, along with the man with the laser blasts, were arrested by the military for an unauthorized military on U.S. soil.  Neither the General nor the ninja could be found, but the military is searching for them.  As for the giant Xaggarian, it flew north, and witnesses spotted the giant land somewhere in the Adirondacks.  Later, hikers spotted several pairs of foot tracks of an unearthly shape.

  • LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

    LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – Chaos continues to reign in the Greater Los Angeles Nations as birds attack bats, the Disney Lands take over Knott’s Berry Republic, and the Breach grows.  The Amazings are set to arrive in Los Angeles tomorrow, bringing much needed help to a region that continues to get weirder by the day.

    The nation known as Aviania has been blanketed by birds for the past week.  From seagulls to pigeons to eagles, hawks, and condors, the skies have darkened over what used to be Irvine, Lake Forest, and Mission Viejo.  Over the last several days, the number of birds has doubled each day as they have appeared to form military divisions according to witnesses in nearby nations.  Rumor has it that a wizard of some sort has holed up in the Mission San Juan Capistrano, just south of Mission Viejo.  It is famous for being the springtime migratory home of the American Cliff Swallow, so it only seems natural that a birdtalker is controlling the birds from there, but so far, it’s still a rumor.

    What’s not a rumor is the birds have been attacking the bats of Chino Hills to the north.  Also known as Batsylvania, Chino Hills has been overrun with the flying mammals, but unlike Aviania, it doesn’t have a famous history of bats.  Rumor has it that a coven of vampires got stranded in Chino Hills and took over, but again, it’s only a rumor.  The bird-on-bat violence has riddled the land of both nations with hundreds of dead flying animals.  Three battles have taken place over the past two days, and it’s not clear if either side has gained any advantage.  But that seems to only be a matter of time as Aviania has replenished its ranks to almost full strength after each battle.  No one knows what they’re fighting over or how to make the children stuck in these nations stop crying.

    Nearby, the Disney Lands have crossed their border into the Knott’s Berry Republic and have all but crushed the competing amusement park-themed nation.  Leaders from the Knott’s Berry Republic have long suspected that Disney would overtake them, but they figured their sticky jams, wild west themed guards, and Peanuts licensing rights would put up more of a fight.  Sadly for them, Charlie Brown couldn’t defeat Mickey Mouse and the precise military strikes of the Disney Lands.  A few leaders have managed to escape the invasion, but it may be only a formality at this point.  The Disney Lands have seized control.

    Yet the most disturbing development is several miles northwest.  The Breach has grown.  More people have been captured in its thrall, and they are chanting something different.  “She is coming,” they chant.  “She is coming,” they repeat continuously, as their eyes turn white.  They do not say who “she” is or what “she” wants.  All we know is “she is coming.”

  • Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

    Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

    By Stan Hopewell

    BOSTON – Max Olhman, a Director of the Christian Science Center, announced a new “discovery” in their prayer healing practices he promised would be a “dramatic improvement” over prior prayer healing methods.

    “The previous prayers administered by our Christian Science practitioners worked,” said Olhman, “but they were not without their shortcomings.  So instead of having our followers silently argue with themselves to heal their ailments, we will administer a new improved prayer healing process from this day forward.  The new practice was discovered by myself and a team of Christian Science practitioners over the past decade, and we have already seen a dramatic improvement in the health and well-being of our members.”

    Olhman was repeatedly asked in the press conference at The First Church of Christ, Scientist, what this new method was, but he never explained it in explicit terms.  “It’s a very personal process,” he said, “and it will be different for each person.  What I can tell you from personal experience that this discovery is a major turning point in our faith.”

    Olhman would also not disclose how they made this discovery.

    Actual scientists are skeptical of this discovery.  “They won’t disclose what they ‘discovered’ or what this new type of prayer will be,” said Clarence Torrant, a medical science professor at MIT.  “The only way you can know if a healing method works is by testing it out through the scientific method and sharing your discovery with others so they can test it.  So yes, I’m very skeptical.”

    “The secrecy is all about trying to gain new members,” said Ian Dorkhund, a religious studies professor at Harvard.  “The Christian Science church has been losing members for a long time ever since medical science actually healed people.  I’m sure they’re being mysterious in order to pique people’s interests.”

    “Though I will admit,” added Dorkhund, “I am curious as to what this ‘discovery’ is.  From a strictly academic perspective, of course.”

    Olhman denied this was all a ploy to increase his church’s numbers.  “We’re just about helping people make peace with God,” he said.  “And this new discovery will help people do that more quickly.”

  • Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    By Chase Chapley

    A report released today by the Superhuman Bureau of Statistics said that 78% of intra-superhero battles are due to “misunderstandings” among the combatants.

    The SBS researched 50 years of intra-superhero battles from all known battles recorded in their archives, which are widely considered to be the most comprehensive data source for superhuman activities in the world.  They defined “intra-superhero battles” as “consisting of at least two superheroes,” and they included combatants who have been supervillains in the past or present but were considered superheroes at the time.  As for what constituted a “misunderstanding,” that was murkier.

    “Generally, a ‘misunderstanding’ as we’ve defined it,” said Jordan States, lead researcher for the report, “is when two or more superheroes fought each other upon their initial meeting and then teamed up to fight a common enemy soon thereafter.  We assume, much as the superheroes did, that each side thought the other was working against them.  Then, they tussled for a bit before someone asked someone else what was going on.”

    “You’d be surprised how many superheroes don’t even bother to ask their fellow heroes what’s going on,” he added.

    That number turned out to be 2,403 battles in the past 50 years for about 48 intra-superhero battles per year.  (Note:  the report did not include sparring matches or training sessions.)  The high number didn’t seem to surprise Professor George Quinton, founder of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes.

    “Yeah, that makes sense,” he said.  “This is a high-adrenaline job, so it makes sense that some people just barge in without thinking.  That’s why it’s one of the first lessons I used to teach kids.  If you see another superhero, ask first, punch later.  After all, it could still be a shapeshifter.”

    The report also notes that the rate of intra-superhero battles has decreased in the past ten years.  Last year, there were only 32 incidents.

    “You only have seconds to make a decision,” said the Muskrat.  “Sometimes, you don’t have the intel you need, and you just have to make a gut call.  In a perfect world, yeah, we wouldn’t fight our own.  It’d save time and energy, but we don’t live in that world.”

    “And you never know when it’ll be a damn shapeshifter.”