The New Romford Free Press

Category: Sports

  • ’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

    ’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National.

    A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars.  The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other.  As the match progressed, ’97 Tiger was winning by a wide margin, and Present Tiger became frustrated.  He broke away from his security guards and threw his club at ’97 Tiger before being tackled by security guards.

    ’97 Tiger kept that club, and it had a message inscribed on it.  Reportedly, the message involves a date and some letters, but the significance of the message is unknown.  But, apparently, it meant something to the younger Tiger.

    “And now he can’t go back,” said Dr. Amazing in a press conference.  “I don’t know how this happened.  In all my years of time travel, gaining future knowledge has never prevented a time traveler from going back in time.  Actually, with time travel, terms like ‘past,’ ‘present,’ and ‘future’ don’t really have much meaning as everything is relative to the traveler in question, but regardless, this is new to me!  Which is exciting, for me, the scientist.  It’s probably not as exciting to the Woodses.  Or to the fabric of spacetime.”

    Somehow, the message prevented ’97 Tiger from returning to the past, but equally puzzling, his unableness to return to his timeline hasn’t affected our timeline.  We think.

    “That’s another funny thing about time travel,” said Dr. Amazing.  “If you’re not the time traveler or in some sort of time bubble, you never realize that the timeline has been reset.  You just don’t experience it because you’re part of the timeline, so you have always experienced the timeline as it was.  We’ve all been part of several alternate timelines over the years, but we only remember this one we’re in now.  So if the ’97 Tiger can’t go home, as it were, then maybe this is just how our timeline is supposed to be going forward.  Or not!”

    Everyone in the press conference was mighty confused.

    Regardless, the ’97 Tiger doesn’t seem to know the significance of the message, and Present Tiger isn’t responding to questions about the message.  So for now, the Tiger Woods of the year 1997 is stuck in the present.  The PGA will likely add him to the tour.

  • ’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

    ’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while.

    After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time.  Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the PGA offices as part of a big send-off for the young Tiger Woods, and of course, it was televised.  It was a two-hour long special, highlighting the golfer’s achievements and journey into his future.  Then, they sent him off into the time portal.

    And he bounced back.

    The time portal wouldn’t accept ’97 Tiger for some reason.  No amount of fiddling with the controls or pushing Tiger into the portal could make him go away.  He was apparently stuck here.

    “I don’t understand what’s going on, really,” said Dr. Amazing, the world’s foremost expert on time travel.  “And if I’m saying that, then you know it’s really unusual.  I’ve tried every setting and every possible avenue, and nothing.  He’s stuck here, I guess?”

    The broadcast was cut off, and the young Tiger was reportedly whisked away for testing.  The PGA said they were having “technical difficulties” and would have “the good, young Tiger back to his time in no time.”

    After the examination, Dr. Amazing only gave a brief assessment of the situation to a room full of reporters.  “We’re still working on the matter,” he said.  “But  we have some ideas, and we’re going to test them all out.  There’s no, uh, time table for this right now, and other time-related words and phrases.”  Clearly flustered by all of the reporters, Dr. Amazing flattened himself into a thin sheet of himself and scooted himself under a locked door.

    The present-day Tiger was asked for comment on the situation but did not respond.

  • ‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

    ‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

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    by Dash Hamley

    AUGUSTA, Georgia – The well-marketed and dubious golf match, “Tiger vs. Tiger,” took place today at Augusta National, and it ended with the present-day Tiger Woods being tackled by security for charging at his younger self.

    The day began with excitement as tens of thousands of fans poured in and around Augusta National to try and catch a glimpse of either Tiger.  ABC, ESPN, and the Golf Channel had round-the-clock coverage of the match between the ’97 Tiger Woods and the present day Tiger Woods, reporting from every possible angle.  Given the danger of the two Tigers meeting, security was at an all-time high for a golf match.  Each Tiger had 20 security personnel surrounding them at all times, and they were instructed to stay at least 200 feet apart from each other.

    ’97 Tiger teed off first and birdied on the first hole.  He went to the second hole and hit par.  Then, the present-day Tiger teed off on the first hole.  He bogeyed on the first hole, and he stayed two holes behind his younger self at all times.

    Until the 10th hole.

    By this time, ’97 Tiger was up seven strokes.  The crowd was rowdy, unusual for a golf match, and footage from the match showed a stark difference in the crowd’s reaction to the golfers.  ’97 Tiger was getting thunderous applause.  Present-day Tiger was getting polite clapping, and it was getting to him.

    At the end of the 10th hole, present-day Tiger was visibly angry.  He said something to his caddy, grabbed one of his woods, and bolted into the crowd.  His security detail was caught off guard, and his caddy held them off for a couple minutes.  Present-day Tiger swung his club back and forth, clearing a path for himself.  Then he made it to the 13th hole, where ’97  Tiger was getting ready to tee off.

    The security guards tackled the present-day Tiger, who threw his club at his younger self.  The guards piled on him, blocking ’97 Tiger’s view of his future self, and then they whisked ’97 Tiger away from the course.  ’97 Tiger was not injured by the thrown club, but he reportedly left the course with it.

    Naturally, the match was canceled, but it was clear that ’97 Tiger had won.  Present-day Tiger was reportedly taken out of Augusta National in an unmarked vehicle, and the PGA would not comment on the situation.  The fate of ’97 Tiger was not commented on at this moment either, despite the PGA’s insistence he’d be returned to his time after the match.

  • ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

    ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it.

    The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined).  Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s have scored lucrative endorsement deals, and EA Sports is already working on a special DLC for all of their golf games to allow players to play the “Tiger v. Tiger” match.  ABC, ESPN, and The Golf Channel will broadcast the match with advertisement spots rivaling those of the Super Bowl, and Augusta National is selling tickets in the tens of thousands.

    All of this without a word from present-day Tiger Woods confirming that he will partake in this match.

    “This thing gets weirder by the hour,” said ESPN anchor, Scott Van Pelt.  “You’d think present Tiger would have released a statement by now if he was against it.  Yet he’s not stopping it, which begs the question, how much is he getting paid to play his younger self?”

    “And I can’t believe I just uttered those words just now.  Bonkers.”

    Rumors from people inside the present-day Woods camp is that he will be paid handsomely for this match.  They put the payment at $200 million “at least.”  Considering present-day Woods’s dwindling career, it’s not hard to imagine him taking the check even if the circumstances are strange.

    As for ’97 Woods, PGA representatives have reportedly kept him busy practicing at an undisclosed location.  They’ve kept him away from the news as best they could but have indulged him by letting him play with an iPad.  Sources said that while he’s confused by this experience, he’s “in good spirits.”

    Once again, no one is listening to the scientists.

    “Listen, I know that people from different time periods meet each other all the time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I know I’ve met at least a dozen of me.  But I’ve studied the time machine that brought the younger Woods to the present, and it’s a mess of a time machine.  Tachyons are all jumbled together, the chronometer is miscalibrated, and I can’t even tell what some of these particles its emitting right now, and I’m Dr. Amazing.  Putting these two anywhere near each other without a full analysis, which may take months, is playing Russian roulette with spacetime.”

    “I have a time machine in my lab, for pete’s sake.  I can send the younger Woods back home right now.”

     

    The PGA said they “understood Dr. Amazing’s concerns,” but also they “have everything under control.”

  • Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

    Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite warnings from scientists that a time anomaly might occur, the PGA has set a one-on-one golf match between the two Tiger Woods.

    The match is set for one week from today at Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters Tournament, the most prestigious major tournament in golf and site of Woods’s first major win in 1997.  Tickets have already been sold out to the match, and ABC has secured the broadcast rights.

    But the meeting doesn’t come without potential danger.  Scientists and the International Time Court have warned that it’s unsafe for the two Woods to meet since ’97 Woods came to the present through a makeshift time machine made with unknown parts.  Time machines need to be calibrated just correctly or else disaster.

    “Tachyons are the particles that govern an atom’s movement through time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “It’s pretty complicated and heady stuff, but the gist of it is that time machines work by manipulating tachyons to flow forward or backward in time.  You’re essentially pulling those tachyons out of place and then putting them back into place, hopefully correctly.  If you don’t, the atoms become unstable, and regarding people, if the same person from different timelines coexist close enough, that could cause both to cease to exist, and I mean in the past as well as the present.  It’ll be like they never existed.”

    The PGA said they have a team of scientists examining ’97 Woods and the time machine that brought him here for just such an occurrence, and they said they’re confident nothing will happen.  But just to be safe, they plan on keeping the two Woods separated by at least 100 feet at all times.

    “Well, that’s fine,” said Dr. Amazing, “but why is he allowed to stay in the present?  I get everyone wants to see this golf game, but even if nothing happens, he’s still seen the future.  He’s already seen that the World Trade Center is gone and smart phones and so on.  He’s already seen himself in the future.  What happens when we send him back to his own time?  That’s going to reset the timestream!”

    The International Time Court is also concerned, and they’ve requested that Clancy McCarver, a.k.a. The Disruptor, be handed over to their jurisdiction.  They are reportedly working on a solution to return Tiger Woods to 1997 right after he arrived in the present.

    The PGA would not comment on that matter.

  • Minor Supervillain Arrested for Bringing ’97 Tiger Woods to Present

    Minor Supervillain Arrested for Bringing ’97 Tiger Woods to Present

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Minor supervillain, The Disrupter, was arrested in his Bronx apartment on charges of using a time machine to bring the Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present, according to authorities.

    Clancy McCarver was a minor supervillain known as The Disrupter in the early 90s before retiring in 2000.  He has been arrested on several occasions for burglary, robbery, grand theft auto, flying with an unauthorized jetpack, and illegal laser weapons possession.  His gimmick was that he “disrupted the natural order,” which usually involved flying around in his jetpack and firing lasers at random cars.  He hasn’t donned The Disrupter costume since 2000 and has been working as a UPS delivery man for the past eight years.

    Then, he allegedly built a time machine and brought ’97 Tiger Woods to the present yesterday.

    “This guy does nothing for over a decade,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, “and he just comes out of nowhere with a time machine?  For what?  Tiger Woods in his golden age?  There’s nothing in this guy’s past to suggest he was even a golf fan.  He has a girlfriend.  His life was on the up and up.  Why would he do this?”

    Naturally, these questions have been hurled at the PGA, who, just a week ago, had celebrated the retirement of our present Tiger Woods, even though he denied he was retiring.

    “Look, I know people have suspicions, and those suspicions are reasonable,” said PGA CEO, Tim Finchem.  “But we had nothing to do with this breach in the timeline.  We here at the PGA love the past and would never do anything to ruin it.  As for why we celebrated 2015 Woods’ retirement last week, that was a glitch in our computers, and it was an off week for our staff.  So we were going to correct it when we got back, and then ’97 Woods happened, and we got distracted.”

    As for how they found ’97 Woods, Finchem said, “He was standing in our office door, lost and confused.  We knew something was wrong, so we consulted with scientists, and they said he was from ’97.  So we take their word for it.”

    Finchem wouldn’t answer any more questions, but he insisted that the PGA was cooperating with the NYPD, Peace Force, and the International Time Court.  Meanwhile, no one has seen or heard anything from either Tiger Woods.

  • MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

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    By Dash Hamley

    Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis.

    “Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can give players an unfair advantage in a multitude of ways.”

    “What we’ve encountered with Jay McMillan is unprecedented,” the statement continued.  “This is the first player who has taken drugs to suppress his God-given abilities to play baseball.  He went out of his way to make sure he was on a level playing field even though he has great strength and speed.  As long as Jay continues to take marostorzin with a proper prescription, he will be allowed to play baseball.”

    The statement also reported that MLB couldn’t find any evidence that McMillan had let his superstrength and speed come out during his playing career.  But they will be testing him on a “regular basis” to determine if he’s gone off of marostorzin at any time, and if he does, he will be banned from baseball for life.

    While the MLBPA strongly disagrees with the possibility of a permanent ban for a first-time offense, they recognize that superpowers are a new territory for them.  “We understand that Jay can lift cars and jump across wide chasms,” their statement said, “but we urge the commissioner to reconsider a lifetime ban for a first offense, even for one that hasn’t happened yet.  That said, we’re pleased Jay will be able to play baseball again.”

    McMillan reportedly obtained marostorzin from Pinnacle Health in order to keep his superpowers a secret, but now in the open, he has found a legitimate doctor and private practice who will supply him with his “medication”.  Assuming he passes a physical administered by MLB, he will be allowed to play as soon as next week.