The New Romford Free Press

Category: Sports

Barry Melrose’s Hair Causes Oil Spill at ESPN Headquarters

By Dash Hamley

BRISTOL, Connecticut — NHL commentator, Barry Melrose, caused an oil spill in ESPN Headquarters and parking lot today after using too much product in his hair.

Melrose has been an on-air commentator for the NHL for several years, and his hair is always slicked back. This hairstyle is not out of the ordinary for a former hockey player and head coach, as hockey hairstyles are generally terrible, sometimes on purpose. Former Pittsburgh Penguin forward Klaus Klosterman, for instance, styled his hair in the form of bull horns to intimidate his opponents in the 70s and, occasionally, stabbed them.

Today, Melrose had used too much greasy styling gel to slick back his hair, and his scalp became oversaturated. The oil stored up in his scalp could no longer be contained, according to his makeup artist, and it spewed forth from his head. Gallons of oil sprayed throughout the ESPN Headquarters, covering nearly half of the offices, parts of the studios, and eventually, the parking lot.

All live ESPN programmings were abruptly suspended due to “technical difficulties”, as crew members and on-air hosts began to slip and slide on the oil. Three cars got into an accident in the parking lot, and nearly 100 employees were drenched in oil. Melrose and his makeup artist got the brunt of the spill. Cafeteria employees used up their entire stockpile of Dawn dish soap to clean up employees, but they ran out of Dawn quickly.

The styling gel had apparently been absorbed into his scalp over the years and converted to pure oil. How he was able to store thousands of gallons of oil in his body is a mystery that doctors are still trying to figure out, but after he was cleaned up, Melrose was noticeably thinner and weighed about 20 pounds less than normal.

ESPN would not comment on the incident, but most employees were sent home while cleaning crews went to work. Some studios were unaffected by the spill, and live programming went back on air later that evening without any mention of the Barry Melrose oil spill. To his credit, Melrose said he would pay for everyone’s dry cleaning bills.

November 3, 2015
PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – In a surprising move that will surely test numerous laws, the PGA has introduced Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present timeline.

PGA CEO, Tim Finchem, introduced the younger Woods at a press conference in New York. This Woods has just won the 1997 Masters Tournament, and he was somehow brought from the past to the present. Finchem offered the briefest of explanations for this.

“A third party,” he said, “who has already been turned over to the authorities, had used a time machine to bring this younger Tiger Woods to our present. We can’t speculate as to their motives, and I’m sure the authorities will release that information in due time.”

“But since he’s here, we thought it’d be fun to have the Tiger we all fell in love with play a few rounds of golf. Who doesn’t want to see that?”

The younger Woods looked bewildered throughout the entire press conference, which only lasted ten minutes. Woods reiterated what Finchem had said about his time travel and said he didn’t know much about his future self. “They’ve pretty much kept that a secret,” he said. “That’s probably good. You’re not supposed to know too much about the future. By the way, what happened to the World Trade Center? I noticed they were gone earlier.”

After that question, Finchem ended the press conference and whisked the younger Woods away. Later, he said that the younger Woods would be playing golf “very soon.”

The present-day Woods didn’t return anyone’s calls as it’s understandable that he and his camp would be stunned by today’s events. But that didn’t stop people from speculating.

“Did the PGA just use a time machine to bring ’97 Tiger Woods to the present?” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt. “Did they just kick the present Tiger Woods out of the tour to bring back classic Tiger? This is what happened, right? Am I having a fever dream? This can’t be legal or ethical. What the hell is even happening?”

According to International Time Law, no, this is not legal. Bringing a person from the past to the present is an offense punishable by 30 eons in a space between time and dimensions called Nowhere.

The question now is whether this “third party” that Finchem alluded to acted alone or at Finchem’s request. Either way, this looks bad for the PGA.

“This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in sports,” said Van Pelt. “But damn it, we better see the two Woods play against each other. I know it’s wrong, but who doesn’t want to see that?”

October 27, 2015
Patriots Meet with Lord Demon, Beelzebub, Possibly Lose Their Souls

By Dash Hamley

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – A meeting between the New England Patriots and the Lord Demon, Beelzebub, went “okay,” according to sources inside the Patriots organization.

It has been suspected for years that the relationship between the Patriots and Beelzebub has been more than just mutual admiration. Beelzebub has been a long time Patriots fan, going back to their 1986 Super Bowl loss to the Chicago Bears, and head coach Bill Belichick is well known for wearing the same style hoodie the demon has been wearing since the 1870s.

Now the Lord Demon has visited the Patriots organization personally, and team owner Robert Kraft, Belichick, and quarterback Tom Brady were reportedly all in the meeting. Sources inside the organization would not reveal their identities, not for fear of losing their jobs but for fear of losing their souls. But they said Beelzebub came to Gillette Stadium without an appointment and was “eerily calm and pleasant.” Kraft turned white when they shook hands.

The meeting lasted about 40 minutes and was punctuated by occasional bouts of deafening “screams of 1,000 lost souls” and flashes of fire that “didn’t burn the flesh but still burned nonetheless”. After a few minutes, practically everyone in Gillette Stadium was either trying to listen in on the meeting or running out of the building for safety. Sources who braved the screams and fire reported that Beelzebub was upset with the Patriots over the last year, supposedly referring to Deflategate, the recent report about Spygate, and the image of the Patriots organization as a whole.

Kraft, Belilchick, and Brady were “understandably frightened” throughout the meeting as they tried to reassure Beelzebub that nothing else would “go wrong.” They also reportedly promised to “keep their end of the bargain.” As the meeting came to a close, there was a bright flash of light in the meeting room that turned red and then black, and the stadium shook, knocking fixtures and pictures off walls. Then Beelzebub left the meeting room, and stadium, as calm and pleasant as he did when he entered.

Kraft and Belilchick supposedly had a third eye on their foreheads when they exited the room, but Patriots employees were later unsure about this as the eyes were clearly not on their foreheads seconds later on security tape. Brady seemed to be the most worried of the three but did not have a third eye. Instead, employees said he didn’t cast a shadow for the next three hours.

The following morning, Belilchick and Kraft would not comment on the Beelzebub meeting, and Brady was casting a shadow during practice. They were all “eerily calm and pleasant,” according to employees and teammates.

September 15, 2015
Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

By Dash Hamley

After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers.

McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed. While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds. By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9 superstrength and level 8 superspeed.

The second half of McMillan’s story appears to be true as well. The DEA found that he took marostorzin, a mild superpower inhibitor that is used primarily by physicians for medical purposes. How Pinnacle Health was able to obtain this, given that marostozin is a regulated prescription drug not commonly found at clinics, was not disclosed in the DEA’s report. It would seem Pinnacle Health may have another legal issue to add to their pile, and McMillan may be at fault, too, but the DEA only said the matter “was still part of an ongoing investigation.”

Exonerated, McMillan is grateful. “I’m happy that my true story is finally out,” he said in a statement. “I know this is hard to believe, but I only did this because I love baseball. We’re so worried about players having an unfair advantage, and rightfully so with all the PEDs in the game. But I want everyone to know that I did this to preserve the game’s integrity, and I hope to return to the field soon.”

While out of serious legal trouble, McMillan’s status with MLB is still unclear. All professional sports have a ban on superpowers. If McMillan’s story is true, then he’s been taking marostorzin for his entire playing career, but some in baseball don’t believe that.

“It’s hard to say,” said ESPN columnist Buster Olney. “We have to assume that he kept on the drug for the past six, seven years. What about those weeks or months that he struggled in the minors? What about those months when he was on fire? Are we supposed to assume that he didn’t miss a few dosages here and there to get an unfair advantage?”

“I really want to see what he’s like at full power,” said ESPN columnist Tim Kurkjian. “I’d love to see him crush a ball a mile. If nothing else, I want to see him hit a ball to center field and then run really fast there to catch it. That’d be something!”

Spectacular displays aside, MLB hasn’t issued a ruling on McMillan’s case. They’re reportedly discussing the issue, and McMillan has voluntarily suspended himself for the time being. The New Romford Railers, on the other hand, have expressed support for their All-Star. “We don’t care if Jay has six arms, three eyes, or secret wings,” they said in a statement, “he’s a Railer, and we want him on our team.”

September 4, 2015
Pitching Prospect Gets Preemptive Tommy John Surgery to ‘Get It Out of the Way’

By Dash Hamley

DALLAS – Texas Rangers pitching prospect, Matt Copland, is known for throwing a 100-mph fastball and a nasty 75-mph curveball that leaves batters swinging at air more often than not. Now, the 21 year-old double-A pitcher is taking an unusual step in his career: preemptive Tommy John surgery.

That’s right. He announced yesterday that he’s getting Tommy John surgery “out of the way.”

“I throw 100-mph for at least half my pitches,” said Copland. “Add that and the torque on my elbow during all my pitches but especially my curveball. My elbow’s going to pop at some point. That’s just a fact. So let’s get it out of the way now.”

While the rate of pitchers getting Tommy John surgeries in recent years has skyrocketed, no one has decided to do a preemptive surgery. It doesn’t sound like the Rangers organization is backing this either.

“Our players are expected to keep their bodies in good condition,” said Rangers GM, Jon Daniels. “And we can only control what they do and don’t do with their bodies to a limited degree. We’re talking with Matt, and we hope to talk some sense into him.”

Tommy John surgery repairs damage to the ulnar collateral ligament in a person’s elbow. Pitchers who get the surgery are generally out of play for 12-18 months. Despite teams’ efforts to limit the number of pitches thrown by pitchers during a season, players are still tearing their elbows. It almost seems inevitable for many pitchers.

“Look, I can’t get behind it entirely,” said former pitcher Curt Schilling, “but I get where he’s coming from. You have that specter looming over you nowadays, especially throwing as hard as he does, you just know it’s coming down the line. I can’t fault him for wanting to get it out of the way.”

Major League Baseball is rumored to be investigating Copland ever since the news broke. They reportedly want to make sure he’s not implanting cybernetics into his elbow.

“I hadn’t even thought of that,” said Copland. “If only I had the money for a robot arm, hell yeah, I’d do it.”

August 11, 2015
PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – The PGA celebrated the retirement of Tiger Woods this morning, despite the fact Tiger Woods hasn’t actually retired.

“Tiger has been an integral player in PGA Tour history,” read a statement. “Who could forget Tiger’s historic win at the Masters in 1997? He’s generated so much excitement in golf, and we are sad to see him go. We wish him well in his future endeavors.”

This statement came from the PGA Tour website along with a video montage of Woods’s iconic moments on the tour. It was accompanied by a narrator and interviews with golfers, though those interviews were recorded years ago.

The problem is that Woods himself denies having retired. “I haven’t retired,” he said. “I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m not retiring. I keep calling everyone I know at the PGA, and no one is answering my calls. This is a joke, right?”

Several media outlets are reporting the same thing. No one at the PGA is answering their phone. Some outlets have tried to enter the PGA offices in New York and in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, and the lights are off, and the parking lots are empty.

“This is ridiculous,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, who regularly covers the PGA Tour. “I’m calling everyone I know, and nothing. I get nothing. I’ve called Tiger, and he reiterates over and over again that he’s not retiring. I know Tiger hasn’t won a tournament in years, but he’s still a marquee name. You can’t just get rid of him. Right?”

Ever since that unforgettable Thanksgiving night in 2009, Woods has not been the same golfer he was for much of his professional career. His health, mental and physical, has prevented him from playing for long stretches. During this time, several other players have tried to fill the void left by Woods, but no one has yet, and PGA Tour ratings have plummeted.

“Look,” said an exasperated Woods, “I know I haven’t been very good lately, but so what? I’m working hard everyday to get better, and I can still compete at a high level. They can’t just kick me out.”

“This is a joke, right? Is this a new, weird TV show that I don’t know about? Why won’t anyone answer me?”

August 4, 2015
Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

By Dash Hamley

SAN FRANCISCO – Ballpark menus have expanded so much over the last ten years, from glazed doughnut hamburgers to bacon-wrapped sausages to Cleveland’s Fairy Wings (which weren’t actually made from fairies despite the rumors after the Great Fairy Infestation of 2008), but the Giants have stepped it up several notches.

Remember when the dragon from Earth-1,233 attacked the Bay Area and was killed by a giant fire extinguisher five years ago? It’s been in cold storage since as scientists have studied it. Apparently, they’re done studying it and have sold several tons of its meat to AT&T Park for ball games.

“Dragon meat has such a unique flavor,” said Bertolli’s head chef, Jim Bertolli. “It has a wonderful umami component to it with just a hint of sweetness. It’s unlike anything this world has ever tasted, and despite what you might think, it doesn’t have any heat to it.”

The Giants, and a few restaurants, have acquired several tons of the dragon meat, which was rigorously tested by health officials to make sure it wasn’t toxic. The meat can be cooked and served like beef, and a Dragon Burger will set you back $20. But Bertolli thinks that the opportunity to eat a dragon makes that a bargain.

“How often do you get to eat an actual dragon?” he said. “You have to go back in time or go to another dimension or what have you, and who has that kind of cash? Then you get there, and you have to kill the thing first, so yeah, $20 is a bargain if I do say so myself.”

The bigger question is how the dragon was sold to restaurants to be sold as food. Scientists can study an animal’s carcass for decades depending on storage and condition of the carcass, and a rare specimen such as an Earth-1,233 dragon would keep a research institute busy for a very long time. How did the dragon end up in the freezers of AT&T Park?

“Their lease for the giant freezer ran out,” said San Francisco Chronicle reporter, June Farrah. “The scientists were keeping it in an arena-sized freezer for the past five years, but they didn’t own it. They were paying millions of dollars just to store the thing, and they just couldn’t afford it anymore. So, they sliced it up. Granted, they kept all the important bits along with some of the muscle tissue for themselves, but the damn thing was just too big to store.”

Bertolli’s will introduce three different types of Dragon Burgers next year: The Original Dragon Burger, The Fiery Chipotle Dragon Burger, and The Bacon Ranch Dragon Burger. They will all come with fries and, in place of a toothpick, with a tiny plastic knight standing triumphantly on top of the bun.

July 14, 2015