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PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

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By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – The PGA celebrated the retirement of Tiger Woods this morning, despite the fact Tiger Woods hasn’t actually retired.

“Tiger has been an integral player in PGA Tour history,” read a statement.  “Who could forget Tiger’s historic win at the Masters in 1997?  He’s generated so much excitement in golf, and we are sad to see him go.  We wish him well in his future endeavors.”

This statement came from the PGA Tour website along with a video montage of Woods’s iconic moments on the tour.  It was accompanied by a narrator and interviews with golfers, though those interviews were recorded years ago.

The problem is that Woods himself denies having retired.  “I haven’t retired,” he said.  “I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m not retiring.  I keep calling everyone I know at the PGA, and no one is answering my calls.  This is a joke, right?”

Several media outlets are reporting the same thing.  No one at the PGA is answering their phone.  Some outlets have tried to enter the PGA offices in New York and in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, and the lights are off, and the parking lots are empty.

“This is ridiculous,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, who regularly covers the PGA Tour.  “I’m calling everyone I know, and nothing.  I get nothing.  I’ve called Tiger, and he reiterates over and over again that he’s not retiring.  I know Tiger hasn’t won a tournament in years, but he’s still a marquee name.  You can’t just get rid of him.  Right?”

Ever since that unforgettable Thanksgiving night in 2009, Woods has not been the same golfer he was for much of his professional career.  His health, mental and physical, has prevented him from playing for long stretches.  During this time, several other players have tried to fill the void left by Woods, but no one has yet, and PGA Tour ratings have plummeted.

“Look,” said an exasperated Woods, “I know I haven’t been very good lately, but so what?  I’m working hard everyday to get better, and I can still compete at a high level.  They can’t just kick me out.”

“This is a joke, right?  Is this a new, weird TV show that I don’t know about?  Why won’t anyone answer me?”