By Stan Hopewell
LANSING, Michigan – In a bizarre state senate hearing in Michigan’s Capitol Building, three lake monsters of three of the Great Lakes all pleaded their case to be named Michigan’s Official State Lake Monster, a title that does not exist.
Mishipeshu, the famed underwater panther of Lake Superior, teleconferenced from his home on Michipicoten Island, which is technically in Canada. “I call the entire lake my home,” he said, “and I have another home on Isle Royale, so I live on both sides of the border. Michipicoten just has the better internet connection. But barring that, I have lived in these waters for thousands of years, and I was the first lake monster to interact with the humans, and I don’t have a dumb, cutesy nickname. Clearly, I deserve this title.”
“I respectfully disagree,” said Michigy, the reptilian lake monster of Lake Michigan. She teleconferenced in from a private residence west of Petoskey. “My name is cute, but it isn’t dumb. It was given to me by the noble Ojibwe people, and I’ve been here the longest. I am literally millions of years old by some estimates.”
“Millions of years old,” said Huro, the giant fish monster of Lake Huron, who teleconferenced from a private residence in Saginaw Bay. “That’s preposterous. Everyone knows Michigy has a family, and is only 340 years old. Hardly immortal! I, on the other hand, am the great fish that carved out the Georgian Bay with my own teeth to ward off the giant Thunderbirds. They were ruining the newly formed land after the ice sheets melted, so I just ate it up. Clearly, one as mighty as me deserves this title.”
The three lake monsters argued for another hour to a stunned Capitol Building crowd. It was partly the nature of debate that stunned them, according to aides in the room, but mostly the fact that a giant underwater panther, reptile, and fish were yelling at each other via Skype left that them dumbfounded. The speaker tried to regain order amongst the great beasts, but that proved futile. An aide unplugged all three connections to end the meeting.
The issue has been tabled for discussion for the next three weeks until they figure out whether or not to create the title of Official State Lake Monster.
Curiously, Bessie, the snake-like monster of Lake Erie, wasn’t present at the meeting but did release a statement. “Look,” he said, “I’ve got Detroit on one end, Buffalo at the other, and Cleveland in the middle, and I don’t want to be associated with any of them.”
Meanwhile, Kingstie, the dragon monster of Lake Ontario, continues to live and work in Toronto and vacation in Montreal during the spring, loved and praised by all Canadians.