The New Romford Free Press

Category: World

Lava Monsters Attack Atlantis-Pacifica Meeting

Original Map by Free Vectors

By Skip Daverman

PANAMA CANAL – A small army of lava monsters from the Ring of Fire attacked the Atlantis-Pacifica meetings today, killing six Atlanteans and two Pacificans before being defeated by the ocean-dwellers combined military might.

The lava monsters, known as the Lavals, have long been enemies of ocean-dwellers the world over. They have been vying for territory above the lava vents, and that territory has largely belonged to Atlantis. Many Lavals and Atlanteans (and Pacificans) have died over the centuries in multiple wars. Considering King Morn A’Ganor and Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae were both in the same location, it looks like they were seizing an opportunity.

The Lavals burst up from the Pacific side of the Panama Canal, breaking through rock and creating a new lava breach. Their molten bodies evaporated water at a tremendous rate, creating a blinding sheet of bubbles to conceal their movements. The Pacific Guard was the first to engage the Lavals, but they were caught by surprise. It didn’t take long for the lava monsters to breach the underwater conference center.

Once in, the Atlantic Guard joined the battle and fared better, but not much. The Lavals melted everything in their sight, looking for the world leaders. The Pacific and Atlantic Guards battled for several minutes with the Lavals as King Morn and Viceroy Montae were moved to a safe location. King Morn’s Special Guard, thankfully, was prepared for just such an occasion.

The Special Guard always carry around a super-cooling chemical mixture in bullet and grenade forms on their belts as they must combat any given situation. They were able to end the battle by freezing most of the Lavals in the conference center. Realizing the tide had turned, the small remaining Lavals fled back underground. Six Atlanteans and two Pacificans died in the battle with several dozen more injured. King Morn and Viceroy Montae were uninjured.

The meetings were called off indefinitely so each side could mourn their fallen comrades.

October 23, 2015
World News Roundup 10.6.15

By Falco Rockbert

ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries. The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates. The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south. Subsisting on rocks, snow, penguins, and the occasional cannibalism, the Yetis have built a functioning democratic republic with several outposts throughout Antarctica. They don’t have a currency or any advanced technology beyond axes and frostbite, but they were peaceful and welcoming of the humans. “Despite living at the end of the world,” said one researcher, “they still had an understanding of historical and current events. And they made sure to let us know they knew how humans invade lands to exploit their resources, pointing out to the frozen desert each time. It was disconcerting.” The research team returned to their base camp safely and early.

LAGOS, Nigeria – A portal opened up over the skies of Lagos this morning, dropping 30 tons of what was later determined to be flour. The portal opened up 1,800 feet above the city, and the wind scattered the flour over a 6-mile radius. Despite clogging the engines of several cars and trucks and downing all airplanes, no one was injured in the “snow”. The portal closed up in 3 minutes, and scientists have not determined where the flour came from or who opened the portal.

LA PAZ, Bolivia – Bolivians were made aware of what Lake Titicaca sounds like in English yesterday. Some Bolivians became embarrassed by the sudden revelation while others came to appreciate the lake more than they previously did. Peru, who shares the lake, however, still did not get what all the fuss was about.

TORONTO, Canada — Tom South, a writer and urban hole explorer, has finished his latest exploration of all the urban holes in Canada. The three-year journey began in Vancouver and moved eastward to Halifax, ending in his hometown of Toronto. Eight years ago, South somehow became trapped in the water tank of the submarine ride at the West Edmonton Mall while it was empty for maintenance, and he recorded his three-day experience in his journals. Trapped in a Dumb Hole became a national bestseller, and he followed that up with “trapping” himself in the Mall of America for two month for his second book Mall of Despairica: The Cruel Capitalism and Literal Indian Graveyard Under the Mall of America. That book wasn’t as big of a success as his first, and the lawsuit from the Mall of America eventually had the book pulled from stores. With the encouragement from his editor, South returned to his roots and embarked on a detailed exploration of urban holes in Canada, and his new book, Holes: How to Defeat Them the Canadian Way, is slated to come out next year.

October 6, 2015
Japan, Asimovia Have Productive Meeting Despite Alleged Attempted Affair

By Stan Hopewell

TOKYO – Representatives from the self-proclaimed island Asimovia and from the Japanese government met today in the Kantei, the official Office of the Prime Minister. The meeting was called “productive” by both sides despite the alleged attempted affair between a Japanese official and a “female” robot.

Today’s meeting was contingent on yesterday’s brief meeting in Nagasaki, where robots from Asimovia gave Prime Minister Shinzo Abe a gift in the form of a chest with documents and pictures. That initial encounter went well enough for Abe to invite the robots to Tokyo for further meetings. The contents of the documents and pictures have not been disclosed to the public.

The robots were housed in an undisclosed location for the night and were treated as special guests of the Prime Minister. While Japan kept close tabs on them throughout the night, they shut down their man-piloted giant fighting robots. The next morning, head official of Asimovia, Victor Priceworth, and a few of his associates met directly with the Prime Minister, and right away, the mood was “tense” according to sources.

During the evening, as the Japanese were entertaining the robots, one Japanese male official got drunk and started to flirt with the “female” robot, A.R.L.E.N.E. In the “family photo” Asimovia sent out several weeks back, A.R.L.E.N.E. can be seen sitting in a chair opposite of Priceworth. She was built in 1932 by the French roboticist, Pierre Gavreau, to resemble his deceased wife, Penelope. Obviously, A.R.L.E.N.E. couldn’t fill the hole in Gavreau’s heart, and he banished her from his home. A.R.L.E.N.E. has wandered the globe since then, and for about 20 years, she was turned off and stored in a millionaire’s vault as a trophy. No one knows how she got free or how she met Priceworth, but it is surely a deep, affecting story that would certainly make a great movie someday.

And a Japanese official “hit on her like she was a sex robot,” said one human source. “Regardless of what you feel about robots and A.I., that was very demeaning to A.R.L.E.N.E. It did not help matters.”

Nothing reportedly happened to A.R.L.E.N.E. as she has the strength of 10 humans and was able to keep the drunk Japanese official at literal arm’s length. The next morning, Priceworth and A.R.L.E.N.E. brought up the incident to the Prime Minister, who apologized for his subordinate’s disrespectful behavior. Abe also promised to have the man punished.

Publically, neither Asimovia nor Japan confirmed the alleged attempted affair. They did say that progress has been made though what that means was not discussed. Sources inside the Kantei indicated that Japan was not interested in fighting the robots over the long-abandoned island, but they weren’t going to give up their land either. Asimovia reportedly offered to do tedious paperwork for Japan and to help repair their man-piloted giant fighting robots free of cost. Nothing was agreed upon, but future meetings have been planned.

August 14, 2015
World News Roundup 7.24.15

By Falco Rockbert

MONACO – The annual Grand Prix through the city streets of Monaco ended early today after a kraken attacked the coastline. The kraken’s giant tentacles slammed into the streets, destroying hundreds of cars and injuring dozens of people. Earlier in the day, some deep sea explorers had brought up an object to Monaco’s ports, and the kraken was after this object, now believed to be its offspring due to its resemblance to a squid’s egg. Local superhero, Le Héros, was able to keep the kraken at bay while the police and explorers returned the object to the sea. Once the kraken had the object in its giant tentacles, it left. Le Héros followed it underground to make sure it wouldn’t return, and the Grand Prix was cancelled.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – Numerous witnesses have reported over the past three days that the Christ the Redeemer statue has been blinking. Authorities were initially skeptical of the reports, but someone filmed the statue for four hours and caught the stone Jesus blinking ten times. While many believers think this is a sign from God, authorities believe some magic trickery is the cause of this phenomenon.

MONSTER ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – Bobo and Baba, the giant gorilla couple, gave birth to their first baby boy, Bibi, two days ago. The newborn is a healthy 18 tons and 20 feet tall, but those are approximations as the new parents are understandably protective of their son. Also, local human researchers couldn’t get close due to it being mating season for the dinosaurs.

SAHARA DESERT, Algeria – A giant castle emerged out of the sand over the past week and is now currently above ground in Algeria. Scientists believe strong winds unearthed much of the castle, but seismologists also reported a small localized earthquake in that area last week. The castle, according to researchers, looks to be anywhere from 90 BCE to 1500 CE, though those dates are only estimates. Authorities have cordoned off the area around the castle for 100 kilometers, especially after the initial research party sunk into the sand about a kilometer outside the castle. The New Amazings have been called in by the Algerian government to investigate.

July 24, 2015
Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

By Skip Daverman

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – The recently resurrected Aztec ruler, Montezuma, randomly attacked many skyscrapers in downtown Mexico City today after apparently learning what “Montezuma’s Revenge” means today.

Riding Quetzalcoatl, Montezuma whipped the giant feathered serpent’s tail around a dozen skyscrapers, smashing windows and injuring hundreds. This time, he gave no speeches. He just lashed out at random buildings for a half hour as the local police tried to take him down.

Mexican superhero, El Toro, flew into the battle and was having little effect on Quetzalcoatl. The serpent slashed off one of the wings of El Toro’s plane, causing him to make an emergency landing on top of a nearby building. He survived and used his grappling hooks to get to a rooftop.

By then, Montezuma was standing on top of skyscraper, waiting for El Toro. According to the superhero, Montezuma said, “You want my revenge? Here it is.” Then he dropped his loincloth and defecated onto the rooftop. Montezuma made an offensive gesture to El Toro, presumably another thing he’s learned recently, climbed back on top of Quetzalcoatl, and teleported away.

All in all, no one was seriously injured in the attack, and Montezuma didn’t take anyone hostage or make any demands. El Toro reportedly took a sample of Montezuma’s feces for analysis in hopes of being able to track him.

He left the rest of the feces for the police to clean up.

July 17, 2015
International Time Court Rejects Hellena’s Case

By Chase Chapley

PARIS, France – As expected, the International Time Court rejected Hellena’s request to be tried before them in a unanimous 9-0 decision. She will now have to return the New Romford City Court for her trial.

Hellena, the alternate timeline version of Titana stuck in our timeline, was caught several months ago stealing a device from ATOM Labs. The nature of the device has not been disclosed to the public, but reports indicate it had time travel capabilities. After being apprehended by Titana, Hellena was going to be tried before New Romford City Court before her attorney requested to be tried before International Time Court.

The nine judges of the ITC were not persuaded by Hellena’s arguments. Her attorney argued that all time-displaced beings should not be bound by a timeline in which they did not originate. Hellena’s timeline involved the increased danger of Napoleon Bonaparte in the early 19^th century, where he gained, according to her attorney, near godlike powers from the Ark of the Covenant. She had to make a deal with Lord Hades in order to combat Napoleon, and this turned her evil. “Her innate nature,” said her attorney, “is fundamentally different due to a fundamentally different timeline. You would no more judge an alien from another planet by Earth standards, so why impose such sanctions on a time-displaced being such as my client?”

The judges questioned her attorney for a half hour, specifically about the nature of the device she was accused of stealing. This portion of the court transcript is classified, but the judges were critical of using their court to try someone for theft, especially when no time travel occurred. After a ten-minute deliberation in their chambers, the justices unanimously declined the transfer request.

Then Hellena flew at the judges before being restricted by the Time Bailiffs. Hellena was sedated and returned to Peace Force Special Custody to be returned to New Romford.

Most legal experts agree that trying to attack the ITC will hurt her chances of acquittal at New Romford City Court.

June 26, 2015
‘Henchmen, Inc.’ Hit with Harassment Complaints, Sexism Accusations

by Julia Crumpleman

PAULO, Santa Vanna – Connor Wesley Services, a.k.a. “Henchmen, Inc.”, has resided in the Caribbean island principality of Santa Vanna under murky legal standing for the past 30 years, but now they’re being hit with dozens of harassment complaints and accusations of sexism in their hiring pracitces.

Founded in 1983 with the good graces of then dictator Carlos Diego Montoya, Connor Wesley Services was initially used for money-laundering purposes by the supervillain community. Residing in the small principality of Santa Vanna allowed it to work outside the laws of most countries, and with the plasma cannons surrounding the nation, the international community hasn’t been able to touch them. Over the years, they turned into a temp agency for henchmen, nicknamed “Henchmen, Inc.”, and provided computer, technical, and administrative support to supervillains. Publically, they claimed to offer legitimate services to non-villains, but they’re still regarded with suspicion by most countries.

Now, it seems that they’ve stepped up in becoming legitimate: they’ve been hit with a public relations scandal and have been accused of sexism.

“Women are always stuck in the administrative roles,” said Juliana Margaret, who brought the initial complaint against her former employer. “We never get the prime hench jobs even though we’re trained just the same as men and can beat our fellow male henchpersons in hand-to-hand combat on a regular basis. Supervillains are still stuck in the thinking that men make the best henchpersons. It’s the 21^st century. Come on!”

“I’d love to get a good hench job,” said “Bobbi Bolt,” a current employee using an alias. “But more than anything, I’d just like to not be the sexy bit of eye candy for supervillains. They put me in skin-tight, revealing costumes, make me bend in ridiculous poses for photo shoots and for those videos they send to the good guys. It’s humiliating! I can fly jets, drive tanks, have black belts in ten different fighting styles, and can Tokyo-drift a semi. I’m tired of being sexy eye candy!”

Connor Wesley hasn’t responded publicly to the accusations, but a company spokesperson said they “are looking into it.”

The supervillain community responded in droves for some reason. “They’re called henchMEN for a reason,” said Olaf the Piledriver. “I don’t care how many black belts you have, little girl, but you’re not going to beat your average superhero unless you got brute strength. Men are stronger, that’s just a FACT.”

“I’m as enlightened a man as one can be,” said The Ponderer, “but most women just can’t handle proper villainy. They have too many motherly instincts to be truly ruthless. Sure, there are some good lady villains, but there’s a reason men outnumber the women. It’s biology.”

“All I’m going to say is that I know who my next target is,” said Madame Moriarty. “And I know which henchpersons I’m hiring for the job.”

Juliana Margaret isn’t going to take this lying down. She plans on starting her own henchperson agency. “We need to show the world that women can be just as good henchpersons as men are,” she said. “We’re just as strong and smart as men, and we shouldn’t let Connor Wesley be the sole henchperson agency in the world.” As for funding, Margaret said, “Oh, that won’t be a problem. We’re villains.”

Meanwhile, the world’s women’s organizations were confused on how to respond, seeing as they want to support gender equality but also don’t want to support villainy.

May 26, 2015