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Michelle Meyers Involved in Kidnapping, Setting Up Fake Crimes

File photo of Adonis saving Michelle Meyers

By Falco Rockbert

In a bizarre series of revelations last night, Channel 9 News reporter Michelle Meyers was arrested for kidnapping and setting up fake crimes so she could be rescued by Adonis.

Meyers has been saved a record number 30 times by Adonis, but that number will surely go down. Last night, Meyers allegedly kidnapped a woman, whose identity will not be released by the NRPD due to her supposed ties to Adonis. State law prohibits the release of the identities of people close to registered superheroes when they’re victims of a crime.

The kidnapping allegedly took place yesterday afternoon in a back alley in Johnsmar, where a rental van, rented by Meyers, was parked for an hour. One resident noticed the van speeding away around 2:45pm. That van turned up at a warehouse in Jamestown.

Adonis arrived at the warehouse at around 6 pm and defeated the henchmen who were guarding the facility. He entered to find Meyers holding a woman over a vat of chemicals (later discovered to be liquid green gelatin) via a crane. Adonis saved the woman and apprehended Meyers.

The reason for the kidnapping was not revealed, and Adonis and the Peace Force were silent on the issue. The NRPD arrived to arrest Meyers, and the woman was safely returned home.

Adonis also learned that Meyers has been paying supervillains to “capture” her in a ploy to be rescued by Adonis. It’s unknown how many supervillains she hired. Her reasons for doing this were not revealed to the public, but Adonis seemed to be “shaken up” by the ordeal, according to sources at the scene.

Meyers faces kidnapping charges as well as multiple conspiracy charges. If convicted at the maximum penalty, she could spend the next 40 years in prison.

September 8, 2015
Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

By Dash Hamley

After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers.

McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed. While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds. By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9 superstrength and level 8 superspeed.

The second half of McMillan’s story appears to be true as well. The DEA found that he took marostorzin, a mild superpower inhibitor that is used primarily by physicians for medical purposes. How Pinnacle Health was able to obtain this, given that marostozin is a regulated prescription drug not commonly found at clinics, was not disclosed in the DEA’s report. It would seem Pinnacle Health may have another legal issue to add to their pile, and McMillan may be at fault, too, but the DEA only said the matter “was still part of an ongoing investigation.”

Exonerated, McMillan is grateful. “I’m happy that my true story is finally out,” he said in a statement. “I know this is hard to believe, but I only did this because I love baseball. We’re so worried about players having an unfair advantage, and rightfully so with all the PEDs in the game. But I want everyone to know that I did this to preserve the game’s integrity, and I hope to return to the field soon.”

While out of serious legal trouble, McMillan’s status with MLB is still unclear. All professional sports have a ban on superpowers. If McMillan’s story is true, then he’s been taking marostorzin for his entire playing career, but some in baseball don’t believe that.

“It’s hard to say,” said ESPN columnist Buster Olney. “We have to assume that he kept on the drug for the past six, seven years. What about those weeks or months that he struggled in the minors? What about those months when he was on fire? Are we supposed to assume that he didn’t miss a few dosages here and there to get an unfair advantage?”

“I really want to see what he’s like at full power,” said ESPN columnist Tim Kurkjian. “I’d love to see him crush a ball a mile. If nothing else, I want to see him hit a ball to center field and then run really fast there to catch it. That’d be something!”

Spectacular displays aside, MLB hasn’t issued a ruling on McMillan’s case. They’re reportedly discussing the issue, and McMillan has voluntarily suspended himself for the time being. The New Romford Railers, on the other hand, have expressed support for their All-Star. “We don’t care if Jay has six arms, three eyes, or secret wings,” they said in a statement, “he’s a Railer, and we want him on our team.”

September 4, 2015
Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

By Packie Williams

SUSSEX, Bexton – Laboratory equipment and several pounds of chemicals were stolen from Currie Labs two nights ago. Security cameras show three women in black clothing and masks busting into the rear garage door with a van. The women proceeded to grab several pieces of specialized equipment—Currie Labs did not want to specify what—and haul them, slowly, to their van. This took them eight minutes to load up the van before one of the women realized a forklift was nearby. They tried to grab a few more pieces but couldn’t figure out how the forklift worked. Then they heard the police sirens, ditched the forklift, and randomly grabbed several bags of powdered chemicals and potting soil. The women made their escape down the back alley and are still on the loose.

THOMAS BAY, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior, Nicholas Conberm, was swinging around the street lights of Thomas Bay two nights ago in pursuit of a man who supposedly mugged an elderly couple. The mugger got away when Conberm ran out of grappling hooks and fell onto the pavement from 20 feet up. He apparently only had five grappling hooks on him at the time.

SHOREFRONT, Downtown – A local Atlantean calmed down a giant squid on display at the Quigley Aquarium yesterday afternoon after the giant squid attacked the other fish and staff members. The giant squid, called Sir Arms-a-Lot by the aquarium staff, was on display for a limited time after being caught in Winston Bay two weeks ago. Sir Arms-a-Lot was injured and recuperating in the aquarium, and people were invited to watch the giant squid as it strained to swim around in its relatively small tank. Yesterday, it became agitated and started attacking the other fish in its tank. When the staff tried to calm it down, Sir Arms-a-Lot began to attack them and crawled up out of the tank. Security tried to subdue the giant squid, but they, their tasers, and their comparatively small stature were ultimately ineffective. A local Atlantean happened to be in the aquarium and rushed to their aid. He punched Sir Arms-a Lot in the beak and tackled it back into the water. He then pushed his hand inside an opening in the squid’s mouth, reaching something that calmed the creature down. The Atlantean wished to remain anonymous but told the staff that Sir Arms-a-Lot should really be put back into the ocean before it wakes up.

VIRGIN HEIGHTS, Bexton – After further review from ATOM Labs, the attack on Paulina’s Pottery Port was just some local hoodlums looking for pottery and not the return of those time-traveling Vandals.

September 1, 2015
Stupid Adults File Lawsuit, Say “Trix Aren’t Just for Kids”

By Julia Crumpleman

CLEVELAND, Ohio – A group of stupid adults filed a lawsuit against General Mills today, saying “Trix aren’t just for kids” and “adults need to stop being discriminated against.”

Four plaintiffs from Cleveland, Akron, and Erie, PA, who have been discussing this “issue” online for years, pooled together their life savings to bring this lawsuit to fruition. Jarles Mikkleson, 38, the lead plaintiff from Cleveland, said him and his “fellow adult cereal officionadoes [sic]” have been “wrongly discriminated against for years.”

“The cereal industry,” read the lawsuit, written by their lawyer, Kirk Magnussen, who works from his van as he cannot afford an office or home, “once began as a beacon for adult-themed health foods. Over the years, they evolved to a sweeter palette. Cocoaed puffs, frosted flakes, fruited pebbles, etc… They were made more appealing to children, and that’s a good thing. Everyone should enjoy milk-and-bowl-based breakfast foodstuffs. But the industry has forgotten its roots: adults. General Mills’ has made it explicit for years with their Trix cereal and its anti-adult slogan, ‘Trix are for kids.’ This is an insult to adults everywhere, and this discrimination must not stand.”

A General Mills spokesperson was baffled by the lawsuit as literally anyone of any age can buy and consume all of their cereals. “This is stupid,” the spokesperson said, who wished to remain anonymous because of “how stupid” this lawsuit is. “We don’t care if adults eat Trix. It’s just a silly advertising campaign. These people are stupid.”

The lawsuit is calling for the end of the advertising campaign, or at least a removal of the “Trix are for kids” line, and damages in the form of a lifetime supply of Trix for all four plaintiffs. Mikkleson said he and his stupid friends have felt belittled when they go to the supermarket to buy Trix, though they only offered anecdotes that could not be corroborated.

General Mills, legal experts, and non-stupid people everywhere expect this lawsuit to be dismissed by a judge within the next week.

Correction: an earlier version of this story had quotation marks around the word “stupid” when referring to the plaintiffs in this lawsuit. They have been removed because this is objectively stupid.

August 28, 2015
Ask Julia: Why Don’t Superpeople Proclaim Themselves Anymore?

By Julia Crumpleman

Behold! I am your intrepid question-answerer, the Wise and Wonderful Julia Crumpleman! Fellow inquisitive citizens submit their curious queries to me, and I seek out the rightful and true answers in this colossal column called Ask Julia! Today’s question comes a truth seeker named Karla from Bradenton:

Hey, Julia. So my Dad and I were talking about superpeople back in his day (the 50s and 60s), and he remembers superpeople (both heroes and villains) being more verbose back then. They would proclaim very loudly who they were and what they were doing. It was a thing. But now, superpeople don’t really do that anymore. Is there a reason for this? Thanks!

Great question, Karla! Superpeople are definitely quieter today in comparison to the Silver Age, and I wrote that introductory paragraph in that verbose style for fun, and I think I can see why they’ve largely stopped doing it: it’s hard!

I had to stop and think about my words as I was trying to punch up every little phrase. That paragraph took me about five minutes to write, and I’m at my desk with a cup of coffee, my cat napping on the window sill, and all the time in the world (well, as much time as I have with deadlines). Bottom line, I could take the time to write that paragraph, and I don’t know how the Silver Age folks did it while fighting or committing crimes.

Doug Carville, who was known as the Phantom Racer from 1968-1973, is a good friend of mine, so I asked him how this trend got started.

“It was just a different time,” he said. “It’s like how movies and TV characters sounded a certain way back then. It was the style of the time.”

“You really have to look back at the Golden Age,” he continued. “That’s where that style of proclaiming things really started, and back then, there were so few superheroes, I think people just got into the habit of hyping themselves up. I think the original Speedster was the most prominent one at the time, and he was a real show-offy type of guy. Then after the war, superheroes had a lull, and when they did come back, they copied the Golden Age guys as a way to make a name for themselves. That’s why you got so many people yelling who they were and what they were doing. Heck, I even did that for a while.”

“As with movies and TV,” Carville continued, “things evolved. That language took time to come up with, and people just got tired of it. Tired of thinking it up, tired of saying it, tired of hearing it. Now, the internet can tell you everything you need to know about superheroes, so why bother proclaiming things anymore?”

And that seems about right to me. Thanks, Doug! And thank you, Karla, for the great question!

August 25, 2015
New Nations Form in Los Angeles Gridlock

Click for full-sized map.

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – The permanent gridlock on the freeways and streets of the greater Los Angeles area has created more than just chaos. It’s created new nations as well.

With vehicles stuck on the freeways or the main roads, people haven’t moved much further than where their vehicles have parked. Some local residents have offered to house stranded drivers while others have been living in parks, alleys, and whatever buildings in which they can find refuge. And the Terminator Gangs and Na’vi Nation have seized the opportunity.

The Terminator Gangs have taken control of much of eastern Los Angeles and formed an area called Battlezone just southeast of Dodger Stadium, where disputes among gang members take place. The Na’vi Nation has taken control of the most land, taking up land from La Habra in the south to all the territory north of the 210. To compete with the rampaging fandoms of James Cameron movies, the Jedi Republic formed in the Pomona-Ontario-San Dimas regions, though the Na’vis aren’t scared of them according to neighboring nations.

The rest seem to be a hodgepodge of local residents or displaced drivers rising up to power. A family of centaurs has taken control of Huntington Park, Queen Arga, a witch claiming to be from 16^th century England, is ruling Fullerton, a 55 year-old trucker, Fred Lloydman, has proclaimed San Fernando to be a constitutional monarchy called Fredistan, and millions of bees have taken control of Leimert Park, though no one knows if one queen bee is in charge or if multiple queens are.

Some “nations” are neighborhoods that have tried to transport people out of the gridlock without success. Scientists in Westmont and Inglewood tried digging a hole underground but only dug up lava, somehow, and scientists in Gardena tried opening a wormhole but only succeeded in sucking 30 blocks into oblivion, leaving a crater 50 yards wide in its wake.

The studios have largely banded together south of the 101, Warner Bros. and Universal being the dual rulers, but Disney has taken over two nations and is arguably the most well-organized. The Disney Lands take up much of the land around Disneyland, including most of Anaheim, Orange, and Santa Ana, and the Northern Disney Lands take up the triangle between the 101, 170, and the 5 where Walt Disney Studios and the Bob Hope Airport are located. Rumor has it that they have a secret tunnel allowing the two disparate states to connect, but that’s been unconfirmed so far.

Not much is known about the other nations apart from the names given to themselves, but everyone, from local mayors to the governor, is surprised by how quickly communities broke down and rebuilt themselves after the permanent gridlock.

August 21, 2015
Crakosi Troop on Planet Gigano Still Believes Galactic War 4 Is Happening

By Karna Firaliz

PLANET GIGANO – After crashing on the gigantic planet Gigano in the outer Milky Way over 150 Earth years ago, a troop of Crakosi soldiers blasted off from Gigano and attacked a Telori freight ship, still thinking that Galactic War 4 was happening.

For Earthlings unfamiliar with Outer Milky Way history, Galactic War 4 was a conflict between primarily the Crakosi and the Telori that started when a Telori passenger ship was destroyed in an asteroid belt via unusual means. The Telori believed the Crakosi, their longtime enemies, to be responsible, and the fourth Galactic War began. After 12 Earth years of battle among 320 star systems and 87 nations, the Crakosi side won, leaving millions dead. Over the past century, tensions between the two nations have relaxed, and they’ve become trading partners and allies.

Gigano is a gigantic planet four times the size of Jupiter with a gravitational pull 40 times greater than Earth with, apparently, a 150 Earth year gravitational time dilation.

“It’s the reason no one ever goes there,” said Telori physicist, Mjorn A2. “The heavy gravity slows down time so much that when you leave, decades have passed to those outside of the planet’s gravitational pull. Who knows how much time this crew experienced? It was probably [an Earth week or two] to them. But to us, [150 Earth years]. So of course they think the war’s still going on.”

The Crakosi troop attacked Telori freight ship App App 2833 after recognizing the Telori flag on its side. The crew didn’t try to fight back when the Crakosi drew their weapons, so thankfully, no one was hurt. But the mixture of Telori and Crakosi crew members on the App App tipped the soldiers off that something was amiss.

The troop leader read the ship’s manifest to see the date, and that was the end of the takeover. The leader asked the ship’s captain about the war. After some initial confusion, the captain explained how the war was over and the two nations were friends now. The future shock left the Crakosi troops dazed and confused. Eventually, they left.

“They were really shaken up,” said Ion Mattoix, the ship captain. “They really took it hard, don’t you know, and I can’t even imagine what they be thinking. It’s a hard life to be a soldier, and to think their loved ones be gone to the sands of time, aye, what a lot they be. What a lot.”

The Crakosi and Telori are reportedly investigating the incident and hope to find the lost crew.

August 18, 2015