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  • Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Nilremweb
    By Skip Daverman

    WICHITA – The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® captured the evil sorcerer Nilrem today outside of Wichita, Kansas, in a magic battle that temporarily decimated the Kansan landscape.

    Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin, was conjuring up his patented Odanrots for fun in the small town of Wellington, just south of Wichita.  Odanrots, of course, are reverse tornadoes.  Instead of sucking things into its vortex, Odanrots spew wind outwards.  How this actually happens is not known to science, naturally, as it’s magic.

    magicimowebWhy Nilrem was conjuring up Odanrots is also not known, but it’s probably because he’s “a madman” according to The Maginificent Magician, Magicimo®.  With all the houses and streets he spewed across the countryside, he was easy to find.  He engaged Nilrem with a few magic spells to constrain him, but Nilrem broke free and started using roads to whip The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.  The battle continued for nearly eight minutes, leaving Wellington and the Kansas countryside in ruins.  Nilrem was finally captured when his mouth and body were wrapped in metal clasps.  Then, with a few hand gestures and glowing eyes, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® returned everything back to normal.  The houses, streets, and farms were as good as new.

    “I simply reversed this maddening madman’s madness,” he said.  “It was not difficult.  After all, he is a third-rate, two-timing thug, and nothing like me, the Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.”

    After answering some more questions with alliteration, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® reversed the spell that turned the Twin Cities sentient and, surprisingly, the spell that turned the ivy in Wrigley Field sentient.  It was not known that Nilrem was the cause of that, but considering how similar it was to the Twin Cities, it makes sense now.  “Clearly, the madman who thought this up was not very imaginative,” he said.

  • Winston National Bank Robbed During Memorial

    Winston National Bank Robbed During Memorial

    By Packie Williams

    While the Peace Force, Mayor Lawrence, and the NRPD were attending the memorial for those lost during the Dino-Day Disaster at Two Rivers Park, Winston National Bank was robbed by four masked men, the first successful big bank robbery in 24 years.

    The masked men did not appear to be part of supervillain’s gang as they were dressed head-to-toe in black.  They rushed into the downtown branch of Winston National Bank with smoke grenades, subduing the security guards.  Civilians were rounded up and tied up to the hand rails on the far side of the bank.  A teller hit the silent alarm, but the subsequent police investigation found that it had been disarmed prior to the robbery.  An explosive was used to open the vault, and the masked men filled their duffel bags with cash and escaped via the alley.

    The robbery lasted just under five minutes.  No police or superhero responded to the incident.

    It was the first successful big bank robbery in New Romford in 24 years.  Many experts thought that bank robberies of this scale were a thing of the past.  “We have so many superheroes in this city,” said NRU criminology professor Carl Cram, “and they always catch the robbers before they escape.  People routinely rob the smaller branch banks out in the suburbs where the superhero presence is lower, but these people timed their hit well.”

    “It’s not a coincidence that they hit this bank during the memorial.”

    Winston National Bank refused to say how much money was stolen, but it is believed to be in the millions.  The NRPD declined to comment on the lack of police response or whether the DDD memorial had any effect on their response time.  The Peace Force stated they had several members patrolling the streets today, but they were “caught up in other activities at the time.”

  • Laika Destroys Farm with Slobber and Playfulness

    Laika Destroys Farm with Slobber and Playfulness

    Laikaweb

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant space dog Laika, who returned from a decades-long trip through outer space, destroyed a farm 120 km east of Moscow with her slobber and rambunctiousness.

    After she “hatched” from the asteroid that brought her back to Earth, Laika was taken to a military facility for study.  The cause of her longevity and increased size is still unknown, but the Russian government assures that she is not radioactive or giving off any malignant radiation.  After a few days of study in the facility, it was clear that she could not stay there, at least without destroying expensive equipment.  She was moved to a state-run farm east of Moscow.  Ural initially tried carrying Laika, but she squirmed too much.  Instead, he just played fetch with her using a tree.

    The plan was to give Laika enough space to exert her energy while scientists could study her.  But she apparently got too excited.  “She just likes everyone and everything too much,” one scientist said.  “We try to take a measurement, and she covers us in slobber.  We try to strap a collar around her neck, and she wants us to scratch her belly, and then when we do scratch her belly, we must fight off giant fleas.  It is a disaster.”

    Laika’s slobber has created several “ponds” throughout the farm, drowning equipment and occasionally people (albeit briefly) with her super-charged saliva glands, and her playfulness has destroyed farm and research equipment.  Reportedly, she chewed on a tractor like it was a bone.

    By all accounts, she seems nice.  Laika has not shown any signs of aggression, and Ural stops by once a day to play with her.  She could have returned angry and ready to take vengeance on a nation that shot her into space to die for science.  “At the very least, she’s happy,” said the scientist.  “Thankfully, she doesn’t know or remember being shot into space with no intent for her to return.”

    “Well, unless she’s developed telepathy.  Then we’re in trouble.”

  • Memorial and Final Funerals

    Memorial and Final Funerals

    By Buffy Bolivar

    President Obama, Mayor Lawrence, Adonis, and several community leaders helmed the memorial service for the victims of the Dino-Day Disaster after the final funeral service.

    The death total reached 92 last week, and all missing citizens have been found.  The final funeral service was held this morning for Gabby Martinez, 32, who died in a collapsed building in Frankton.

    The memorial service was held at Two Rivers Park, near the World War II Memorial.  Pastor Albert Grinds opened up the service with a prayer and a hymn, and he was followed by several other religious and spiritual leaders.  Adonis followed with a short speech praising the virtues of heroism in the face of evil.  “Robert Plank was a bank teller during the day,” he said, “but when turned into an ankylosaurus and surrounded by the Dino Army, he protected his coworkers and the small children in the daycare next door.  He saved their lives, and it cost him his.  That is true heroism.”

    Mayor Lawrence spoke next, promising that New Romford will come back from this tragedy, bigger and better than ever.  Local singer, Shannon McKelvey, sung a song she wrote for the occasion, “Remember the Way”, and then the President ended the memorial with his own speech.

    “In this world of monsters and supervillains,” he said, “we cannot back down in fear of what may happen.  We must act in courage and hope, each and every day.  Tragedy will always be around the next corner, but we must be ready to face it when it comes.”

    A moment of silence followed the President’s speech, and then the National Guard rang a bell ten times to end the memorial.

  • Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs.

    McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business, and Jay has no connection to this place.”  Since it’s the offseason, McMillan is at his home in Texas.

    Two years ago, the Railers signed McMillan to a seven-year, $156 million contract, and he’s been an elite player ever since he entered the majors in 2008.  He also has several endorsement deals, including Nike, Pepsi, Gatorade, Dick’s, and Gillette.  Forbes estimated that he made $56 million last year alone.

    If convicted, McMillan not only would be banned from Major League Baseball, but he’d surely go to prison for at least 20 years, effectively ending his professional career.  Karl Owenberg, President of the New Romford Railers, came to his player’s defense.  “I know Jay,” he said, “and this isn’t something he’d do.  Ever.  I know him better than most people even in this organization.  I was there in Texas when he was playing college ball, I was there in Tampa Bay when he broke into the league, and I’ve been there ever since he signed with us.  He’s a good kid.”

    By contrast, many commentators haven’t been so positive about the situation.  “McMillan’s good, but not that good,” said ESPN talking head and bridge troll, Skip Bayless.  “So of course, he’d use superpowers to get an edge because he’s a little punk who doesn’t deserve to be in the limelight like me, Skip Bayless.”

    “By the way, why aren’t they releasing LeBron James’s name from that list yet?”

    There has been no word as to if and when the other names will be released, but if the evidence gathered from Pinnacle is as solid as reported, then those names should become public very soon.

  • Hellena Wants to Go to Time Court

    Hellena Wants to Go to Time Court

    hellenamugshotwebBy Chase Chapley

    The trial of Hellena has been delayed for another month because the defense asked for a review of the charges.  Primarily, they insist that since Hellena is a time-displaced being that she should be tried in the International Time Court in Paris.

    “A client like mine in a case such as this,” said Hellena’s attorney, “should not be subject to the linear temporal timescape such as our own and which this court represents.  When one is tried for a crime, one is presented before the appropriate court with the appropriate jurisdiction.  As such, my client must be tried before her appropriate court.”

    The International Time Court is reserved for very special occasions wherein the accused has caused harm to the timestream.  It has only be convened on eight occasions before (that we know of), but it could be a risky move for Hellena.  An acquittal here could be easier as the court’s laws are fewer and don’t cover theft, but a conviction would also mean life in prison outside of time (which would be an eternity, theoretically).  Hellena must know the risks and must expect a better chance of acquittal in Time Court if she is asking for this transference.

    The likelihood that this case would be transferred is slim.  The International Time Court chooses its cases on a very strict and individual basis.  Hellena has asked to be tried before them on several instances but has always been denied, mostly because she refuses to wear clothes that fit.

  • Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – Chicago Bulls guard, Derrick Rose, who has battled several knee injuries over the past couple years, denied accusations that he’s using the legs of a clone in his latest comeback.

    “It’s just ridiculous,” said Rose.  “I’ve worked so hard to come back from surgery.  It’s one thing to be accused of using steroids, but this doesn’t even make sense.”

    The accusation came from many in the locker room and the news room.  Players from both the Bulls and opposing teams noticed how smoothly Rose has been playing in his first few preseason games.  He was playing “like he had fresh legs,” according to one player, and that got the ball bouncing so to speak.

    “He was a little hesitant when he came back from his first knee surgery,” said Charles Randall, local Bulls beat reporter.  “He took a whole year off from basketball just to be sure, but even still, you could tell he was cautious.  Then he got hurt again.  I wouldn’t blame him if he did clone himself and then chop off those fresh legs and sew them to his body.  Hell, I would if I had the money.”

    The procedure of sewing limbs to another person’s body goes back to at least the 19th century when Dr. Frankenstein first created his monster.  In the last two hundred years, the procedure, known as Frankenstein Surgery, has certainly progressed but has also been only performed in certain countries or on the black market.  As one might imagine, finding the spare limbs is the main sticking point.  Even allowing people to donate their limbs like they donate their organs is seen only as a little less monstrous, mostly due to the Frankenstein connection.

    As for Rose the accusation gained steam when a pair of pictures surfaced in the last two days.  Each showed the scars on his knees, but each picture seemed to show the scars in slightly different places on his knees.  “It kind of looks like makeup if you look at it a certain way,” said Laura Collins, another local Bulls beat reporter.  “And of course, he’s wearing knee braces while he plays so that it could cover up any smudging while he plays.  You could make a case for it, certainly.”

    The NBA, which takes cheating very seriously, wouldn’t comment directly but is said to be looking into it.  Meanwhile, Rose remains defiant.  “I don’t know where you people think I got a clone of myself from,” he said.  “Like I’m supposed to have gone to South America or something.  Am I supposed to have an army of clones in water tubes ready for my use whenever I get hurt?”

    “Ludicrous.”