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  • Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

    Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – It took the giant gray feet and tails a month to descend nearly 500 feet from their portals in the sky, and in an abrupt turn of events, they retreated and disappeared in three minutes.

    “We’ve been monitoring them closely,” said Professor Stratosphere, “and they’ve been descending at a constant rate of about a centimeter per day.  Then, for some reason, they just stopped and ascended very quickly.  And now they’re gone.”

    “We have no idea why.”

    The giant feet and tails have become tourist attractions for Australia as they could be seen up to 1,000 miles away.  Authorities have kept a steady perimeter around the area without few incidents.  In two separate incidents, people have snuck through the perimeter to get a look of the feet from right below them.  Naturally, the prevailing fear was the feet would suddenly drop and crush anyone foolish enough to be under them.

    “A fall like that would likely have cracked the ground below,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “The impact would’ve caused earthquakes all over Australia and probably up into Asia.  Of course, that’s assuming their weight equaled their size.  They could’ve been light as a feather for all we know.”

    Scientists tried to fly closer to the feet to get better readings and possible skin samples, but a mysterious down draft emanating from the portals made that impossible.  At least, they think it was wind.  That, too, was impossible to tell.

    “We didn’t detect any air movement around the feet,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “There was some air movement right around them, but it was just the natural air movement.  We blew smoke across them, and the smoke just blew on past them.  So, it was probably a bend in spacetime.  I think?”

    “Honestly, we have no idea what they were or where they came from.  They were here for some reason, and now they’re not here for some reason.  We have no idea.”

    Asked about the likelihood the giants would reappear on Earth, Professor Stratosphere said, “Pick a percentage from zero to a hundred.  Go ahead.  Your guess is as good as mine!”

  • Overseer Says He’s ‘On Vacation’; People Freak Out When He Appears

    Overseer Says He’s ‘On Vacation’; People Freak Out When He Appears

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    PARIS – The Overseer, the giant-headed observer of our planet, is apparently “on vacation…traveling around Earth for fun,” and people are freaking out whenever he appears.

    The Overseer explained in a press conference in Paris today that he is “simply on vacation.”  For the past week, he has appeared at Mt. Fuji, the Taj Mahal, the Great Pyramids, and yesterday, the Eiffel Tower.   Each appearance has caused people to freak out because he only shows up when something terrible is about to happen.

    “I understand my appearance usually heralds some huge calamity to your planet,” he said, “ but I assure you I am traveling around Earth for fun, not business.  I’ve never really enjoyed myself on Earth before.  Please do not be afraid.  Nothing is happening, I assure you.”

    His intent may not matter much in the end.  The Overseer stands 10-50 feet tall, has a gigantic head in proportion to his body, and is mostly nude.  His visage suddenly appearing in a crowd will be enough to put people on edge.

    It will also be difficult not to freak out when people of all nations have been taught since birth to run away from wherever the Overseer is.  “See the Overseer, Fear the Overseer” goes the popular public service announcement from the 1960s.

    So far, nothing has happened during his visits.

    “How about this?” said the Overseer at the press conference.  “I’ll tell you when calamity is about to happen.  I’ll yell out ‘CALAMITY APPROACHING.’  That’ll put you all at ease, surely.”

    The United Nations has politely asked the Overseer to not do this and to vacation on another planet.

  • Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

    Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

    By Muffy Borgeron

    PACIFIC OCEAN – In a surprising turn of events, only in that it doesn’t happen more often, a supervillain’s volcano base was destroyed by the volcano itself.

    Colonel Calamity resided on his volcano base, Calamity Crater, for the past 40 years before yesterday’s eruption.  Since the island is technically its own sovereign nation, the conniving Colonel is the head of state for 450-2,500 residents (depending on if he’s planning another world takeover), all of whom are his minions.  It’s unknown how many people were on the island when the volcano erupted.

    This is the first time in nearly 200 years since the volcano, Fire Death Island, erupted.  Scientists thought it was an extinct volcano, and this was likely the reasoning for Colonel Calamity to build his base there and naming the previously unnamed island, Fire Death Island.  Satellite images show that his mansion and much of the base was actually built into the crater of Fire Death Island, and now that crater has exploded.

    “In retrospect, it was probably a terrible idea to build your house in a volcano,” said George Fukiyama, scientist at the U.S. Geological Survey in Honolulu.  “Like, really, really stupid.  We only think we know which volcanoes are extinct, and we’ve thought Fire Death Island might just be dormant since the 70s.  I thought this guy was supposed to be a genius.”

    Despite purporting an IQ of 3,544 (via a self-administered test), Colonel Calamity should’ve known this was likely to happen.  In 1978, an earthquake cracked the crater, and the crack was filled up the next day by molten rock.   In 1992, steam billowed out of the crater, and in 2005, the crater bulged upwards 12 feet before dropping down 24 feet.  By all accounts, the signs for an eruption were there, but the allure of living in a volcano must be too much.

    “It’s all about power,” said Mike Purdue, Supervillain Scholar at Columbia.  “Seven other supervillains make their homes in or near volcanoes, and those are the ones without volcano powers.  It’s a show of strength to live in a volcano.  Who’s going to attack your island if it blows up on you while you’re on it?”

    Thus far, this is the only volcano with a supervillain base to erupt, which is surprising.

    “With all the experimental weapons they work with,” said Purdue, “eruptions should really be more common.  These guys, and it’s always men doing this, are always trying to tap the power of volcanoes, usually by sticking things into the lava pit.  Most of these places should be destroyed when you think about it.”

    It’s unknown if Colonel Calamity was on the island during the eruption.  Most experts agree he had an escape pod and that he used it to escape.  Based on intelligence reports, Calamity Crater did not have escape pods for all of its minions.

  • INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

    INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

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    From left to right: Maria Gutierrez, Samantha McDonald, John Hou, Tarani Kapoor, Karen Humboldt, Kathleen Herrera, Mike Laramie, Jennifer Laramie

    By Tarani Kapoor

    As Project INFINITY explores the multiverse, team leader Tarani Kapoor writes about their travels into the unknown.  We’ll bring you select excerpts from her journal as ATOM Labs provides them to us.

    DIMENSION 46

    As we’ve traversed the multiverse, we’ve come across superheroes in about half our worlds (more depending on your definition of superhero), but by and large, everytime we’ve come across them, they are fighting supervillains and monsters.  Now, we’ve come across a world where they won’t stop punching each other.

    Dimension 36 initially resembled our home from the start.  We saw New Romford in all its glory, and we saw Titana fly through the air.  Then, as we were getting our bearings, Adonis flew in and attacked her.  The force of the impact could be felt for miles according to local news reports.  Our group figured one of them was a robot, clone, or evil counterpart of some origin, but as the two giants began to fight, the locals started running for cover.

    Within minutes, the streets were clear, and someone hurried us into an underground bunker with hundreds of people.  We asked what was going on, and no one knew.  Through overheard conversations and some googling, we gathered that Titana and Adonis were indeed themselves on this world, and that there’s been a war going on between two different factions of superheroes.  The source of the conflict was hazy.  One story suggests the death of a superhero sparked the conflict while another suggests a piece of legislation as the cause.  Another mentions something about an alien infiltration.

    Whatever the cause, we didn’t get much into this world’s history because someone blasted through our bunker with an energy ray of some sort.  Above ground, the battle had escalated very quickly with dozens of superheroes punching each other and destroying the entire city.  Fearing for my crew’s safety, I quickly teleported us to another dimension.

    DIMENSION 47

    Safely into the next dimension, we were all relieved to see that superheroes were not currently destroying it.  Dimension 37 was calm and peaceful, and it resembled our own except for the local fashions.  Almost everyone, young and old, fit and portly, was half nude.  We were clearly overdressed.

    As we sat a café trying to get our bearings, we saw this world’s superheroes, whom we didn’t know, stop a robbery across the street.  While the robbery wasn’t anything out of the ordinary (a minotaur and his goons were robbing a china shop for some reason), the superheroes’ costumes were practically spray painted on, except for their thongs and capes.

    After the battle, two of the male superheroes walked around to make sure everyone was safe.  As they approached us, it became apparent that the superheroes had spray painted their bodies.  They were practically nude, and the fashions of the locals started to make sense.

    Something about us being fully clothed must’ve aroused them because they began to flirt with us.  Uncomfortably.  At one point, one superhero got incredibly close to Karen, and she became flustered.  Jennifer had to forcibly restrain the superhero from getting any closer, and the superhero got angry.  Then the other superhero tried to flirt with her, and Mike had to intervene.

    But before anything else happened, an explosion occurred on the other side of town.  The superheroes said a few derogatory and sexual things to us and flew off.  We comforted Karen and Jennifer and decided it was best to jump to a new dimension.  Hopefully, a calm one.

    DIMENSION 48

    We somehow landed in another world where the superheroes are at war with each other.  This time the conflict had something to do with Adonis and El Toro’s mothers having the same first name, which makes no sense, but at least no one’s sexually harassing us here, so we’ll take a win when we can get it.

  • More Barbarian Artifacts Appear in Dukes

    More Barbarian Artifacts Appear in Dukes

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    By Packie Williams

    The Seaside Castle wasn’t the only thing left over from Vrog’s brief barbarian empire.  Residents in Dukes are now finding barbarian artifacts in parks, alleys, and even their basements.

    “I was just doing some cleaning in my basement when I came across a bow and arrow,” said Shantae Williams.  “It was behind some boxes, and I’ve never taken up archery, let alone held a bow and arrow.  For a minute, I thought maybe one of my kids left it here, but they didn’t know nothing about it, and it’s real old looking, too.  Like, ancient looking.”

    “I was walking my dog through Lincoln Park,” said Keith Ho, “and my dog ran off after something.  I thought he was going after a squirrel again, but he runs back with something in his mouth.  It was a scabbard.  An old one made of leather.  I’d never seen anything like it before.”

    “I was talking out the trash to the alley,” said Joey Fontina, “and up on the fire escape, there was a helmet.  It wasn’t a bike helmet or football helmet, but like a really cool Viking helmet.  So of course, I got it down and put it on.  If you saw a sweet looking helmet, you telling me you wouldn’t put it on immediately and never take it off?  Of course you would.  I can take it off anytime I want, but why would I?  This is friggin’ awesome!”

    Authorities have heard at least a dozen more instances of barbarian artifacts, and they all carry the same magical signature as the Seaside Castle.  They assumed these were props that somehow got misplaced, but that could not be confirmed.  It’s also possible that these artifacts were left behind from Vrog’s brief barbarian empire, like the castle.

    The authorities have asked for the items to be turned over to them for study, but some have refused.  Fontina has fought everyone who tried to take his helmet and won, despite having a bad knee and no fighting experience.  Others who have given up their items have found a new hobby.  Ho has taken up fencing, and Williams has enrolled in archery lessons and has purchased four bows.

    “I don’t know what it was about finding that bow and arrow in my basement,” she said.  “But it’s like it opened up something in me, something deep down.  And primal.”

  • Atlantean General Behind Laval Attack, Arrested; Elections to Be Held in 2 Weeks

    Atlantean General Behind Laval Attack, Arrested; Elections to Be Held in 2 Weeks

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    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – In an abrupt turn of events, a rogue Atlantean General was arrested for staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meetings, and King Morn A’Ganor has agreed to holding an election for Pacifica’s independence two weeks from now.

    With the aid of Adonis, Titana, and Micro-Man, who’s been in hiding during the investigation into the attack, Atlantean and Pacifican forces joined together to arrest Jor Q’Rell, a high-ranking General in the Atlantean military.  Suspicions that Atlantis was behind the attack had been bubbling for some time now, and using his diminutive size, Micro-Man gathered evidence on Q’Rell’s activities.  The General wanted to use the Laval attack to sabotage the meetings and unite both sides under a common cause.  He did not think the Lavals would be able to kill six Atlanteans and two Pacificans with the Atlantic and Pacific Guards protecting the meetings.  When confronted by King Morn and Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae, Q’Rell surprisingly surrendered without a fight.

    At this point, accounts of what transpired become muddled.  Everyone present in the meeting rooms of the Panama Canal all have multiple accounts of what happened with many similarities.  One account suggests that Q’Rell didn’t surrender but fought the King and Viceroy when confronted, and this spilled out into a full-blown battle between Atlantis and Pacifica.  Another account suggests that a battle ensued, and one of Q’Rell’s soldiers detonated a bomb, killing hundreds.  There were more accounts, but they all ended with a white light and with a reset to the moment Q’Rell was confronted.

    According to ATOM Labs, these accounts are all telltale signs of time travel.  “My guess is that someone either traveled back in time to prevent the battle,” said Professor Simone Givens, spacetime scientist at ATOM Labs, “or someone showed them possible futures in order to prevent the battle.  Either way, time travel shenanigans.”

    “And yes, that’s a technical term.”

    Whatever calamity was supposedly averted, Q’Rell and his forces were peacefully arrested and will be charged with several crimes.  The General’s forces will likely receive a variety of punishments, but Q’Rell will certainly receive the death penalty.  Their trials have yet to be set.

    After the arrests, tensions between the two sides eroded.  Atlanteans were just as upset over Q’Rell’s actins as the Pacificans, and King Morn and Viceroy Montae hammered out an agreement to hold an election to grant Pacifica its freedom.  It’s a startling turn for King Morn who was staunchly opposed to Pacifican independence.

    “Whatever he saw must have been worse than giving Pacifica their freedom,” said political observer, Luis Mendoza of the University of Panama.  “I can only speculate what he saw, but it’s not hard to imagine that he saw a civil war tear apart his kingdom.”

    The election will be held in two weeks.

  • LA Gridlock: The Amazings Defeat Monster from the Breach

    LA Gridlock: The Amazings Defeat Monster from the Breach

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – The Amazings arrived in Los Angeles this morning and, after closing the failed wormhole in Gardena, began to assess the gridlock before being attacked by monsters from the Breach.

    Landing their Amazing Plane in the Griffith Observatory, one of the few neutral areas in the Greater Los Angeles Nations, the original Amazings (Dr. Amazing, Snow Woman, Mr. Bigg, and Miss Terror) began to assess the damage caused by the gridlock.  Snow Woman used her snow powers to put out some fires and then freeze the lava pit, and Miss Terror beat up some Terminator Gang members from terrorizing people in Glendale.  Mr. Bigg threw Dr. Amazing over to the failed wormhole in Gardena while he investigated the Breach.  Dr. Amazing was able to close the wormhole with a device he invented and then rejoined Snow Woman just north of him, and they found Mr. Bigg looking at the Breach.

    Thankfully, Dr. Amazing had invented special goggles to combat the thrall of the Breach, so Mr. Bigg wasn’t affected.  Using his giant size, Mr. Bigg tried to remove the people stuck staring into the Breach, but they wouldn’t budge.  Miss Terror rejoined them, and her strength wasn’t able to move them.  “She is coming,” they chanted all the while, and then it changed.  “She is here,” they all screamed in unison.

    From the Breach, flying monsters dropped from the sky.  They were pink, purple, and teal creatures with four red eyes, tentacles for mouths, bat-like wings, and various numbers of limbs depending on their color.  The monsters began consuming the enthralled humans, attaching themselves to their heads and absorbing them into their colorful bodies.  The Amazings fought off as many as they could, but the aging superheroes were outnumbered.  Then the Mother arrived.

    The Mother, whose name was unpronounceable as it didn’t contain vowels any human could speak, was gold and ten times bigger than her children.  Mr. Bigg punched her in her tentacle mouth because of course he would, but it made her angry.  The Mother ate her children, gaining their strength in the process and growing in size.  The Amazings were on the ropes.

    The ensuing battle destroyed much of west Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, largely due to Mr. Bigg staying in giant form.  Snow Woman and Miss Terror had more success freezing parts of the Mother’s body and punching her in the joints.  Dr. Amazing left for several minutes, and he returned with the bees of Leimert Park in tow.

    Using another one of his gizmos, Dr. Amazing transformed the bees into dark bees.  In a risky move, he somehow ordered the dark bees to attack the Mother, and their dark stings disintegrated the Mother’s body.  The Amazings fought to keep the Mother from escaping, and with each sting, the Mother disintegrated.  One by one, the humans absorbed by the monsters fell from her body, and Snow Woman created a snow bank to catch them.

    Eventually, the dark bees had disintegrated enough of the Mother to make her just a head.  Dr. Amazing called off the dark bees, turning them back into normal bees, and they all buzzed away.  Snow Woman put the Mother’s head on ice, and Dr. Amazing transported it to a pocket dimension for safe keeping.  All of the humans caught in the thrall woke up, dazed and confused but no worse for wear.  Now, all the Amazings had to do was figure out how to close the Breach, but Dr. Amazing admitted he didn’t know how to do that.