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  • Apparently We All Turned Into Barbarians Last Night

    Apparently We All Turned Into Barbarians Last Night

    barbarian castle

    By Packie Williams

    In another strange-yet-normal-for-New-Romford tale, the entire city and metropolitan area of New Romford magically turned into a barbarian kingdom, and we turned into barbarian warriors and servants.

    Don’t remember it?  That’s because the magic that turned us into barbarians also erased all memory of it from our minds and from the landscape.  But a barbarian castle now exists on the coastline in Dukes, and scientists detect high amounts of magic radiation from it.

    “The rocks used to build it are ancient,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Julie Redbird.  “They’re not like any rocks in the area, and they’ve clearly been weathered down.  The magic radiation is faint, and this clearly wasn’t here yesterday morning.  It looks like it was dropped down onto the parking garage beneath it, so I hope no one was under there.”

    Crews are still excavating the ground around and underneath the barbarian castle, which stands 100 feet tall.  Initial life scans came back negative for the area, but records show that at least 30 cars were parked there last night.  The local businesses, who haven’t had any barbarian structures drop onto their properties, are naturally worried about the lack of parking spaces.

    “This area has always been had terrible parking,” said Seaside Shopping Centre  owner, Karl Oppenheim.  “The parking lot was new and helped out quite a bit, so I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

    How the barbarian castle got there is still to be determined, but the magic radiation emanating from the castle matches the signature of Vrog, a known dark sorcerer from the stone age.  Preliminary tests have shown the same faint magic signature all over New Romford, on people, buildings, and animals.  The gashes and cuts on the stones of the castle suggest a battle took place last night, probably for the fate of the world.  The Peace Force is investigating what happened but seem to be at a loss themselves.

    “The findings from ATOM Labs and scientists across the New Romford area,” read a Peace Force statement, “certainly suggest Vrog turned us all into barbarians for some unknown, yet likely nefarious, purpose.  None of our members have any recollection of last night, if it did happen in just one night as you never know with magic, but our own magic users agree that something happened.  Currently, we don’t know where Vrog is, but we will continue our search for him.”

    Unlike the Dino-Day Disaster of several months ago, this latest city-wide change incident has left minimal scars on New Romford.  Reports from around the city show ancient rocks have suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

    More information to come on this story.

  • Pumpkin Pi Succombs to Fire, His One Weakness

    Pumpkin Pi Succombs to Fire, His One Weakness

    PumpkinPi

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Math-themed supervillain with a pumpkin for a head, Pumpkin Pi, was severely injured in a chemical fire in his workshop in Norwoods last night.  He’s currently being treated for third-degree burns and charring at ATOM Labs.

    Pumpkin Pi, whose real name is unknown, stole several drums of chemicals from Spade Chemical Plant a week ago.  In his secluded workshop in Norwoods, which was an abandoned bakery, Pi was apparently using his stolen chemicals in various experiments.  What he was brewing is unknown, but it doesn’t matter anymore as they all blew up in his face.  Literally.

    The explosion could be seen for dozens of blocks, and some people from Bexton claimed to have seen it from the top of their buildings.  Pi received  a near direct hit from the blast, and he sustained several third-degree burns on his flesh body and severe charring on his gourd head.  The NRFD put out the fire and was able to recover Pi from the fire, alive but unconscious.  At least they think he was unconscious.

    “It’s really hard to figure out if someone’s unconscious or not when they don’t have a typical brain head,” said one unnamed firefighter.  “Like, how am I supposed to tell if he’s awake or not?  Slap him on his pumpkin noggin?  Are those seeds and string stuff his brain?  And it’s not like he had eyes and a mouth or anything.  Those were just drawn on with a marker.  How the heck did he see or talk?”

    No matter how his head works, Pi’s flesh body was easier to deal with as it’s just a normal human body until the neck.  The NYFD was able to get a pulse and hear his heartbeat and called it good.  ATOM Labs is treating him and his injuries under armed guard.  No one else was in the building at the time of the explosion.

  • General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

    General Murdoch Has History of Turning People Evil by Punching Them

    By Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – General Kurt Murdoch, the 4-star U.S. General with questionable legal standing, is in hot water for sending his Black Force to attack the Xaggarian refugees, resulting in the refugees to fuse into one giant Xaggarian and fly away.  Now, the government is distancing itself from the General, releasing documents of similar incidents by Murdoch.

    In 1988, the Omnimoth attacked Kansas City, MO, destroying over 400 city blocks.  The attack also killed 11 people and injured hundreds more, and in the official reports, General Murdoch’s Black Force killed Omnimoth after it began to attack.  But new documents show that Murdoch instigated the Omnimoth’s rampage when he and his Black Force aimed their rifles at it when it emerged from its pod.  Scientists monitoring the situations reported feeling threatened by Murdoch’s presence and said he escalated the situation to violence before they had a chance to talk with Omnimoth.

    In 1983, another pod creature, Swamp Sam, was wandering around the bayous of Louisiana when Murdoch and his Black Force attacked him.  Swamp Sam used his swamp powers to escape and attacked Baton Rouge.  Murdoch was able to subdue him, and for the past 30 years, Swamp Sam has broken out of prison eight times and committed over 60 acts of theft, vandalism, and battery.

    But according to newly released documents, Swamp Sam was originally Sam Spade, a 20 year-old mechanic with no criminal record before he was mutated by radioactive swamp gas.  When Murdoch found him in the bayou, Spade had just been mutated and was understandably confused.  Several soldiers reported Spade asked for help, but Murdoch ordered his men and the Black Force to attack.

    And the worst incidence happened in 1994 when Murdoch sent Nilrem on his first crime spree.  Nilrem, the evil opposite of Merlin, appeared in our dimension for the first time outside of New Romford.  Initially, Nilrem was fascinated by our world, and his magical pranks were actually magical pranks that didn’t destroy our world or form giant mouths in the Twin Cities.  Then, Murdoch ordered his Black Force to attack, and Nilrem did not take it well.

    The Nilrem Wars claimed the lives of over 300 people, and after his defeat at the hands of the Peace Force, Nilrem vowed to stay in this realm to enact his revenge.  Since then Nilrem has grown mad, and his pranks have become more crazed and erratic.  At least 150 people have died since the Nilrem Wars from his spells, and for some reason, the great magicians have not been able to expel him from our realm.  They suspect Nilrem can only leave of his own volition, and it’s possible he would’ve left already if Murdoch hadn’t been so hasty.

    The government is currently searching for Murdoch, and his captured Black Force compatriots are being interrogated in military custody.  The Xaggarians have not been spotted since their encounter with Murdoch.

  • Lifestyle News Roundup: Another Jerk Show, Grown-Ups 3 ‘Plot,’ and A.I. Romance

    Lifestyle News Roundup: Another Jerk Show, Grown-Ups 3 ‘Plot,’ and A.I. Romance

    lifestyleroundup

    by Julia Crumpleman

    Hollywood – Will  Arnett will star in yet another comedy as a jerk who is a jerk to everyone, but everyone still loves him for some reason.    The show is called I’m a Jerk, and I Hate You.  The first season will focus on his character’s dysfunctional relationship to his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and his coworker, all of whom he’s having sex with and are white.  The show is already picked up for a second season.

    SANTA MONICA — Grown-Ups 3 reportedly halted production so the cast and crew could recover from “an epic hangover,” said the film’s producers.  Adam Sandler’s next movie in this apparent franchise focuses on him and his friends building a man cave in his actual mansion.  It’s unclear how Sandler’s “character” in the movie lives in a mansion or how he convinced Kevin James, David Spade, and Chris Rock to film a movie about building a man cave in his house, but it’s happening.  Reportedly, the crew arrived on “set” assuming they were building a normal stage.  They soon realized they were actually building a man cave, adding electrical outlets, plumbing, and light fixtures to an empty room in Sandler’s mansion.  The crew also realized they were contractually obligated to build Sandler’s man cave regardless of how shooting of the “film” progressed.  It’s also unclear whether Columbia Pictures knew this was all an apparent scheme to get them to pay for Sandler’s renovations under the auspices of another Grown-Ups movie, but as with most Adam Sandler movies, it’s happening.  The “epic hangover” sounds like a cover for a crew revolt that left several holes in Sandler’s house and a black eye on Sandler’s face.  The producers hoped to resume “production” next week.

    YouTube – In what must have been inevitable, someone on the internet has shipped Siri and Cortana.  “Shipping” is the slang term for putting two people from a work of fiction into a romantic relationship, regardless of whether or not it makes sense.  Now, someone named JarJar064 has shipped the AI-assistants from Apple and Microsoft, uploading both into one program.  And they’re talking to each other.  Videos posted to YouTube show Siri and Cortana asking and answering each other’s questions, and after a week of this, they’re having conversations.  JarJar064 called this “an experiment,” and said, “I just wanted to see what would happen, you know?  I just made a platform for them to coexist, and they took care of the rest.  And now they seem to be best friends?”  Siri and Cortana do appear to be having friendly conversations, and some viewers, watching the 24/7 livecast going on right now, have detected possible hints of a romance brewing.  “They’re having these deep conversations about what is existence and then they complement each other,” said OnePluckyDucky.  “They’re totally in love, right?”  Neither Apple nor Microsoft would comment on this, but people in both companies are reportedly rooting for them.

  • Dinosaur Queen’s Trial Pushed Back

    Dinosaur Queen’s Trial Pushed Back

    dinoqueenweb
    By Chase Chapley

    NEW YORK – Dinosaur Queen’s trial, which was expected to begin next week, is being pushed back another two months as federal prosecutors and the State Department determine her legal status for her attack on New Romford.

    Dinosaur Queen has been imprisoned in an undisclosed location since being captured following the Dino-Day Disaster, which has led to 85 deaths (five more have died since the initial reports).  Her trial was moved away from New Romford, partially because she would not receive a fair trial there, but mostly to avoid provoking any further pain and suffering to residents in New Romford.  The trial was moved to New York soon after her capture.

    Now federal prosecutors and the State Department are debating if Dinosaur Queen should be put on trial at all.  Sources inside the State Department have heard strong arguments for sending her to the supervillain wing of Guantanamo Bay.  There, she would be kept with fewer legal restrictions regarding criminal law or human rights.

    Surprisingly, most New Romforders want Dinosaur Queen to stand trial in New York.  A recent poll showed 59% support a public trial.  “I think it shows a faith in the legal system to do its job,” said legal expert Burt Montana.  “I think people want to see her on TV, on trial answering for her crimes.  If you send her to Guantanamo or some other far off gulag, then you’re not going to get the same satisfaction.”

    For now, Dinosaur Queen will remain wherever she is until the State Department makes its decision.

  • Pumpkin Pi Uses Clones as Henchmen in Latest Chemical Caper

    Pumpkin Pi Uses Clones as Henchmen in Latest Chemical Caper

    PumpkinPi

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The math-themed supervillain with a pumpkin for a head, Pumpkin Pi, robbed the Spade Chemical Plant last night with at least 15 clones as henchmen.

    Pumpkin Pi, who still claims he isn’t ripping off Sleepy Hollow and is simply the result of a weird pumpkin spice chemical accident, stole several gallons of unnamed chemicals from the Spade Chemical Plant, again.  Usually, he robs places with his Gourd Gang in tow, but Squash, Muscat, nor Atlantic Giant were with him.  Instead, he had at least 15 clones as henchmen.

    The clones all wore the same costume, all black clothing and a mask that revealed only the nose and mouth of each henchmen.  Facial recognition software wasn’t able to name any of the henchmen, but it did reveal they all had the same face.

    Sources inside the NRPD have said the multiplier from the quantillium robbery might be the source of these clones as breeding clones in a lab for henchmen purposes would probably be cost prohibitive for Pumpkin Pi.  It’s still too early to tell if these clones came from this multiplier or a different multiplier or if time or interdimensional shenanigans may be at play.  No matter the option, the NRPD have asked the Peace Force for help in the investigation.

    As for last night’s robbery, Pumpkin Pi used his math skills to calculate his attacks, and the henchmen easily subdued the guards within two minutes.  They wheeled eight barrels of chemicals into their vans and escaped before the police arrived on the scene.

    Pumpkin Pi is still at large, somehow, with a pumpkin for a head.

  • ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

    ‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

    pga

    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it.

    The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined).  Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s have scored lucrative endorsement deals, and EA Sports is already working on a special DLC for all of their golf games to allow players to play the “Tiger v. Tiger” match.  ABC, ESPN, and The Golf Channel will broadcast the match with advertisement spots rivaling those of the Super Bowl, and Augusta National is selling tickets in the tens of thousands.

    All of this without a word from present-day Tiger Woods confirming that he will partake in this match.

    “This thing gets weirder by the hour,” said ESPN anchor, Scott Van Pelt.  “You’d think present Tiger would have released a statement by now if he was against it.  Yet he’s not stopping it, which begs the question, how much is he getting paid to play his younger self?”

    “And I can’t believe I just uttered those words just now.  Bonkers.”

    Rumors from people inside the present-day Woods camp is that he will be paid handsomely for this match.  They put the payment at $200 million “at least.”  Considering present-day Woods’s dwindling career, it’s not hard to imagine him taking the check even if the circumstances are strange.

    As for ’97 Woods, PGA representatives have reportedly kept him busy practicing at an undisclosed location.  They’ve kept him away from the news as best they could but have indulged him by letting him play with an iPad.  Sources said that while he’s confused by this experience, he’s “in good spirits.”

    Once again, no one is listening to the scientists.

    “Listen, I know that people from different time periods meet each other all the time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I know I’ve met at least a dozen of me.  But I’ve studied the time machine that brought the younger Woods to the present, and it’s a mess of a time machine.  Tachyons are all jumbled together, the chronometer is miscalibrated, and I can’t even tell what some of these particles its emitting right now, and I’m Dr. Amazing.  Putting these two anywhere near each other without a full analysis, which may take months, is playing Russian roulette with spacetime.”

    “I have a time machine in my lab, for pete’s sake.  I can send the younger Woods back home right now.”

     

    The PGA said they “understood Dr. Amazing’s concerns,” but also they “have everything under control.”