The New Romford Free Press

Tag: adhesive

  • Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The three scientists stuck in the adhesive, KR-1078, for the past several months have finally been freed thanks to Dr. Amazing and an alternate dimension.

    Scientists Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll were caught in an experiment gone wrong several months ago while testing out the new adhesive designated KR-1078.  While being stuck in the adhesive, in awkward, uncomfortable positions, they’ve been cared for by service robots, and they’ve even continued their work, albeit without the use of their hands by and large.  ATOM Labs has been looking for a solution to no success.

    But dealing with the Breach in Los Angeles gave Dr. Amazing an idea.  “Portals,” he said.  “I’ve been having portals to other dimensions on my mind for a while now, and it just clicked.  When I got home from LA, I went right to work on a new gizmo.”

    That gizmo is a handheld device that opens and closes a portal to a pocket dimension with the flip of a switch.  Using this “interdimensional chipper,”Dr. Amazing was able to chip away the adhesive bit by bit.  The only downside is that the process took ten days.

    “It takes an incredible amount of power to open a portal, even of a small size as the chipper,” said Dr. Amazing.  “Add into that opening and closing it over and over again, and I think we’ve used more power in ten days than ATOM Labs uses in a year, and that’s saying something.”

    Regardless, the scientists were grateful to regain partial mobility over the ten days.  Professors Detroit and Doll were able to sit upright finally, and Professor Michaelson was able to use the toilet all by himself again.  While the chipper was able to get the big chunks of the adhesive off, the small chunks could not be removed with any sort of precision.  Since those were on the scientists’ clothes, they were able to simply undress.

    “I’m just so grateful to be able to walk on my own two feet,” said Detroit.  “I’ve never realized how much I could miss walking.”

    “I can’t believe how good it feels to feed myself,” said Doll.  “The robots mean well, but they don’t really understand that chewing takes time.”

    “I’ve never thought I could ever miss toilets in my life, yet here I am,” said Michaelson.

    ATOM Labs has the remnants of KR-1078 is stasis fields as it’s still incredibly sticky.  The floor has been torn up to remove the portions still stuck on the floor, and the rest in the pocket dimension are being closely monitored.  In the meantime, the three scientists have been given the next month off to recuperate.

  • Local News Roundup 10.19.15

    Local News Roundup 10.19.15

    localnews

    By Chase Chapley

    TOMPKINS SQUARE, Norwoods – The Comedy District was hit last night, robbed of its laughter by sad clown supervillain, Pagliacci.  It was a typical night at the two dozen comedy clubs and cellars up and down Missouri Road, when out of nowhere people stopped laughing, and the comedians lost all their setups, timing, and punchlines.  Everyone was aware of the awkwardness of the situation, and without the soothing effect of laughter, even the nervous kind, people began to sob.  Outside, Pagliacci, who is perpetually sobbing, was using a contraption to suck up all of the laughs from the clubs and cellars.  When the police tried to intervene, Pagliacci pointed his contraption at the cops, making them fall to their knees, sobbing.  It’s not known how Pagliacci was making this happen exactly, but one witness said that he unhooked the bottle connected to his contraption and drank the liquid that was in it.  He reportedly stopped sobbing, smiled for a brief moment, and then went back to sobbing.  No one knows where he went, but the people at the clubs and cellars returned to normal this morning.  The long-term side effects of the contraption are unknown.

    LEEDS – A motorcycle gang known as the Furious Five, perplexingly consisting of eight members, rode into Jerry’s Diner on Lewis Avenue this morning.  They came in and ate breakfast at the diner, tipping their waitress $100 according to the Diner.  No crime was committed, but the police were called on account that all eight members of the Furious Five had burning skulls for their heads.  After a long discussion with the police, the gang was allowed to leave seeing as they didn’t have criminal records on this plane of existence.

    UNIVERSITY DISTRICT, Dukes – 26 New Romford University students were arrested last night after allegedly breaking into ATOM Labs.  The facility’s security cameras caught them jumping over the outer wall, and the facility’s security drones caught them as they were running across the lawn.  One student made his way into the main facility and, evading the security inside, found his way to the three scientists still stuck in the adhesive.  Unprepared for this, two security drones sprayed him with expanding foam, and he was hauled outside to be arrested by the police.  All 26 students were drunk.

  • Scientists Accustomed to Living in Adhesive

    Scientists Accustomed to Living in Adhesive

    ATOMLabs

    By Muffy Borgeron

    It’s been several weeks since the three ATOM Labs scientists got stuck in their own experimental adhesive, KR-1078, but even with the inconvenience, they’ve grown accustomed to their situation.

    “I wouldn’t call it ideal conditions,” said Carl Michaelson, one of the three scientists, “but it’s not so bad once you get used to it.  We’re waited on hand and foot by robots all day, and we’re finally getting work done that’s been piling up on our desks for years.  So not so bad, all things considered.”

    Conditions have improved so much that ATOM Labs has allowed the three scientists, Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll, to speak to the media.  There was one caveat though:  no pictures were to be taken out of deference for Dr. Detroit, who is “kneeling” in an unflattering position.

    “The biggest thing to get used to,” said Detroit, “was not letting the blood rush to my head.  But I got this pillow to rest my head on, so that helps a lot.  And they gave me this stylus so that I can click things on my iPad with my mouth.”

    “And my one advantage over my colleagues is that I don’t have to see the robots clean up my butt when they change my diaper.”  Michaelson and Doll wouldn’t comment on wearing diapers, though they didn’t dispute Detroit’s comment.

    Despite growing accustomed to their situation, they don’t want to stay this way forever.  They’re getting cramps and sore muscles, and the sound of machinery during the night disturbs their sleep.  Dr. Amazing and Micro-Man have both been working non-stop to find a way to break through KR-1078.  Although neither scientist would give an estimate on a solution, they said one was coming “soon”.

    “I’m pretty flexible,” said Doll.  “I’ve lived here for two weeks, so I think I can live here another two weeks.  But the absolute worst part about this is all the itches I can’t scratch.  I can’t scratch my face, my arms, my legs, my back.  Nothing.  If I can’t get some microbots to crawl to my itches, I’m going to go crazy.”

  • Scientists Still Stuck in Adhesive

    Scientists Still Stuck in Adhesive

    ATOMLabs

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The team of ATOM Labs scientists who were encased in a vat of super-strong adhesive a few days ago are still stuck.  They’ve been unable to move ever since.

    “That stuff is stronger than anyone thought,” said project supervisor, Daryl Freeman.  “Stronger than anything we’ve got to cut, crush, dissolve, or disintegrate it.  I’d say we had a winner on our hands, but we may have too much of a winner if you get my meaning.”

    Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll have been stuck in a vat of their own adhesive, known as KR-1078, for several days.  Michaelson and Doll were pinned with their backs against the control panel in Testing Room 21, which proved fortunate for them.  They’ve been able to eat and drink without complications.  Detroit, on the other hand, was caught bending over with her head facing the ground.  She’s had to eat everything with a straw or have food spoon-fed to her.  But eating hasn’t been the hardest part of the ordeal.

    “They have to go to the bathroom at some point,” said Freeman.  “That has been interesting to say the least.  Luckily, we have plenty of things to root out the smells.”

    Apart from basic bodily functions, the three scientists have been in good spirits.  Their families stop by everyday to visit and usually sleep on beds Freeman had rolled in from other rooms.  They’ve been watching movies, either on a TV or on a tablet (for Detroit), reading books, and working on projects through speech-to-robot technology.

    Freeing them from KR-1078 has become ATOM Labs’ top priority.  Freeman has called in Dr. Amazing for a consult, but he won’t return from an off-planet mission for another couple days.  Adonis has stopped by to try using his powers in any way possible to no avail.  “If superheroes can’t break it, we may have something on our hands here,” said Freeman.  “Maybe not for buildings and roads and such, but maybe space ships and deep-sea vessels.  Something that really needs protection.”

    “Needless to say, we’re keeping a close eye on it, so it doesn’t fall in the wrong hands.  And if it does, maybe we can glue those hands together and see how far they get.”

  • ATOM Labs Scientists Get Stuck in New Adhesive

    ATOM Labs Scientists Get Stuck in New Adhesive

    By Muffy Borgeron

    It was the stickiest of sticky situations at ATOM Labs last night, and that can be scientifically proven, too.

    A team of three scientists, Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll, have been developing a new adhesive for the past five years using recently discovered compounds from outer space.  Yesterday, they tested a new batch of their adhesive with the hope of using it in building materials to prevent damage from storms and supervillains.  After a few successful small scale tests, they tried a large scale test of pasting two steel girders together.

    “And it worked,” said project supervisor, Daryl Freeman.  “Those girders held together all right.  They were just glued together.  No bolts or anything.  Unfortunately, the adhesive worked too well.”

    The mechanical arms used during the stress test broke, swinging the steel girders over the heads of the three scientists.  The girder broke open the remaining vat of adhesive, spraying it all over the room.  Michaelson, Detroit, and Doll were caught in the spray, and they were glued to the control panel.  The adhesive hardened within seconds.

    “Thankfully, they were all safe,” said Freeman.  “Dr. Detroit is in an awkward position, but Drs. Michaelson and Doll are up against their backs.  Got to be thankful for small miracles, I suppose.  The glue could’ve gotten over their faces.”

    ATOM Labs crew members tried their best to crack apart the harden glue, but nothing worked.  Then, they brought in lasers, atom smashers, and even acid to try and break through, but again, nothing worked.  After six hours of attempts, Freeman called it a night and ordered food for the scientists.  Their families were allowed to spend the night in the lab.

    “All in all, they’re in good spirits,” said Freemen, who declined media requests to interview the scientists.  “Could be worse.  But maybe we can get Dr. Amazing or Adonis in here to see what they can do.”