The New Romford Free Press

Tag: alternate dimension

  • Trump Activates Portal Detector, Nothing Happens

    Trump Activates Portal Detector, Nothing Happens

    trumpsmallBy Falco Rockbert

    NEW YORK – Donald Trump activated his Trump Portal Detector yesterday, and this time, nothing happened.  No explosion, no power outage, no city-wide headaches.  The only reason anyone knows that the Trump Portal Detector was operating is because of a secret informant within Trump Tower.

    According to the informant, who wished to remain nameless, Trump was using a power generator separate from the electrical grid.  Having learned his lesson from several weeks ago, and after receiving a $2 million fine from the city of New York as well as thousands of lawsuits from individuals hurt during his last stunt, he bought four hydrogen generators to power his Portal Detector.  Apparently, they were plated in gold.

    Once everything was set up, the machine was turned on, and it worked.  The Portal Detector was able to detect everything and everyone within a 10-mile radius that came from another dimension.  Most of these people and objects are already known, like the superhero Mntok and the dimension-89 exhibit at the Natural History Museum.  Trump was pleased, according to the informant, and instructed his science team to increase the range to include Washington, D.C.  The scientists said that might be illegal if not unethical, but Trump didn’t care.  The Portal Detector swept through Washington, where President Obama was taking questions about the NSA’s warrantless telepathic mindtaps in the White House press room, and the Portal Detector came up empty.

    Trump was reportedly furious, yelled at his science team for several minutes, and stormed out of the room.  He yelled expletives of every sort as he made his way to his office and slammed the door.  Then he yelled some more and threw things.  This was the final straw for the informant, and knowing Trump would never publically admit to being wrong, he came forward to the NRFP.

    Trump did not return the NRFP’s calls for comment.

  • Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    By Dash Hamely

    JACKSONVILLE – Former college football star, ex-NFL backup quarterback, and current football commentator, Tim Tebow, has been lobbying the science community to let him travel to alternate dimensions with the hope that he can play in an NFL.

    “I just want a chance is all,” Tebow said.  “I’ve wanted to play quarterback in the NFL all my life, and I just want the opportunity, you know.”

    Tebow last played with the New England Patriots but was released before the regular season began.  After trying out for several teams in private, and despite an unusually high rate of injuries to quarterbacks this past season, he could not land with any of the remaining 31 football clubs.  He also turned down offers from the CFL, arena football, and a “Russian football league”, whose existence has yet to be confirmed.  Last year, he became a college football commentator for ESPN, but his contract specifically came with a clause that he may pursue his football career again at any time.

    “Now is the time,” said Tebow.  “I’m ready, and even if I have to travel to a hundred different dimensions to find an NFL in one of them that would have me, then that’s the path God wants me to take.”

    “I don’t care if I have to play against bug people or a world where people have six arms,” he said.  “I’ll cross any chasm and fight against all odds, even a dimension filled with smoke monsters, to play for an NFL somewhere in the multiverse.  I just need a chance.”

    Traveling between dimensions is heavily regulated around the world.  Scientists and the UN closely monitor interdimensional travel as so much is not known about other dimensions, and just opening a portal can have disastrous consequences.

    “In 1979, a portal was opened to Earth 34,” said physicist Karl Unger, “and a swarm of parasitic emus erupted from the other side.  Twenty-nine people died from parasitic emus.  So, letting a failed football player travel to however many Earths just so he can play in an NFL?  Ludicrous.”

    “And I don’t care how many universes there are, but there isn’t a respectable league out there that uses the wildcat formation.”

    Tebow denied reports that he tried to enter this year’s NFL Draft under an alias and a wig and goatee, though photographs and records indicate someone name Tom Teebone was at the NFL Combine in March.

  • Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

    Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallNEW YORK – While avoiding serious charges for his faulty psychic detector stunt, Donald Trump caused a blackout in New York City and New Jersey yesterday while powering up his Trump Portal Detector.

    Continuing his fruitless pursuit to prove President Obama is an imposter, Trump was building a portal detector in his Trump Tower.  The aim was to determine if Obama was from another dimension and to undermine his eligibility for president.  Beings from alternate dimensions are closely monitored by the U.N. and the global science community at large, and such beings emit an “aura” of ionic residue that is different from our dimension, which makes them easy to detect.  No one has raised any concerns about President Obama or his staff, yet that hasn’t convinced Trump.

    “Of course, they’re going to say they’re clean,” said Trump.  “They’re in cahoots with one another.  Only me and my Trump Portal Detector are truly independent, and I can assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this.”

    Then Trump turned on his machine and shorted out the power grid of New York and northeastern New Jersey.  Thankfully, it was in the middle of the day, so damage was minimal, though several traffic accidents were reported.  Remembering the blackout of 2003, most New Yorkers took the inconvenience in stride.  Needless to say, the Trump Portal Detector didn’t work.

    Power was eventually returned within hours, and New York and New Jersey got back to work.  Trump wouldn’t comment after the incident, and the NYPD is reportedly investigating this as a misdemeanor.

  • Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

    Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Doris:

    Dear Julia, what’s the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate dimension?  I keep hearing it on the news, but they don’t explain it very well, and nothing on the internet helps me.  Are they different from parallel universes?  Thank you kindly.

    Ah, that’s a tricky one, Doris.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t quite understand it all myself.  Dr. Amazing has a web-series that tries to explain all about the multiverse and the space-time continuum, but most of it flies over my head.  (It also doesn’t help that Dr. Amazing seems to only speak in eight-syllable words when discussing physics, but that’s another thing entirely.)

    But I do know enough that I think can help.  Basically, alternate timelines exist within our universe while alternate dimensions/parallel universes (which are the same thing more or less) are not our universe.  An alternate timeline is when some event in history went a different way which altered the course of our universe.

    For instance, Hellena was just in the news recently, and she’s an alternate timeline version of Titana.  In Hellena’s timeline, Napoleon had conquered all of Europe and drove the Amazons into Hades.  Then, she sacrificed herself to save her people and became possessed by demons (hence the horns, red skin, and impractical clothing).  One of Titana’s adventures brought her to this timeline, and somehow Hellena followed her to our timeline.  Hellena can’t return to her world unless our timeline is changed to resemble hers, which is another difference between the two.

    Alternate dimensions can exist completely on their own.  They run by themselves, and without a portal generator, we can’t change their universes.  Think of one as being about space and the other being about time.  It can get tricky sometimes, I know, since alternate dimensions can act almost exactly like alternate timelines, but it’s really about self-sustainability.  Apparently, there’s some variation between alternate dimensions and parallel universes, but then we’re delving into the deep, deep stuff.  I recommend reading some of Dr. Amazing’s books for further illumination.

    Happy trails, Doris!