The New Romford Free Press

Tag: ATOM Labs

  • Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

    Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

    localnews

    By Packie Williams

    SUSSEX, Bexton – Laboratory equipment and several pounds of chemicals were stolen from Currie Labs two nights ago.  Security cameras show three women in black clothing and masks busting into the rear garage door with a van.  The women proceeded to grab several pieces of specialized equipment—Currie Labs did not want to specify what—and haul them, slowly, to their van.  This took them eight minutes to load up the van before one of the women realized a forklift was nearby.  They tried to grab a few more pieces but couldn’t figure out how the forklift worked.  Then they heard the police sirens, ditched the forklift, and randomly grabbed several bags of powdered chemicals and potting soil.  The women made their escape down the back alley and are still on the loose.

    THOMAS BAY, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior, Nicholas Conberm, was swinging around the street lights of Thomas Bay two nights ago in pursuit of a man who supposedly mugged an elderly couple.  The mugger got away when Conberm ran out of grappling hooks and fell onto the pavement from 20 feet up.  He apparently only had five grappling hooks on him at the time.

    SHOREFRONT, Downtown – A local Atlantean calmed down a giant squid on display at the Quigley Aquarium yesterday afternoon after the giant squid attacked the other fish and staff members.  The giant squid, called Sir Arms-a-Lot by the aquarium staff, was on display for a limited time after being caught in Winston Bay two weeks ago.  Sir Arms-a-Lot was injured and recuperating in the aquarium, and people were invited to watch the giant squid as it strained to swim around in its relatively small tank.  Yesterday, it became agitated and started attacking the other fish in its tank.  When the staff tried to calm it down, Sir Arms-a-Lot began to attack them and crawled up out of the tank.  Security tried to subdue the giant squid, but they, their tasers, and their comparatively small stature were ultimately ineffective.  A local Atlantean happened to be in the aquarium and rushed to their aid.  He punched Sir Arms-a Lot in the beak and tackled it back into the water.  He then pushed his hand inside an opening in the squid’s mouth, reaching something that calmed the creature down.  The Atlantean wished to remain anonymous but told the staff that Sir Arms-a-Lot should really be put back into the ocean before it wakes up.

    VIRGIN HEIGHTS, Bexton – After further review from ATOM Labs, the attack on Paulina’s Pottery Port was just some local hoodlums looking for pottery and not the return of those time-traveling Vandals.

  • Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    By Muffy Borgeron

    A man from Arleen fell into a mystic portal to another world when he put on his new Snuggie last night.

    Terry Upton, 47, a contractor from Arleen, bought a new navy blue Snuggie at a Walgreen’s while coming home from work in New Romford yesterday evening.  Security footage from the Walgreen’s shows the Snuggie being placed on the rack three days ago along with four others without any apparent mishandling to the portal Snuggie since then.  Upton purchased it along with a case of beer and two bags of chips.

    Later that night, at home, he put on the new Snuggie and was sucked into it, according to Upton’s boyfriend, Jon Cheong.

    “We had just finished eating dinner and cleaning up,” said Cheong, “and he bought a new Snuggie.  His last one got torn up by our dogs, and we didn’t think anything of it, the new one, you know?  I was in the kitchen when he put it on, and I heard a weird noise and then Terry was screaming.  I ran in, and he was being sucked into the Snuggie like it was a black hole, and he was gone.  Where did he go?”

    Cheong was understandably shaken up by the experience, and investigators have secured the Snuggie in a metal container.  They found trace ion particles in the home, confirming that a portal had opened up from the Snuggie.   Investigators have  seized all the Snuggies from the Walgreen’s that sold it and are tracking down every Snuggie that was came from that batch.  The manufacturer of Snuggies has also been contacted by investigators, and they are cooperating.

    ATOM Labs is working with the investigation, but for now, people will have to be fearful of their Snuggies sucking them up into a portal to who knows where.

  • International Time Court Rejects Hellena’s Case

    International Time Court Rejects Hellena’s Case

    hellenamugshotwebBy Chase Chapley

    PARIS, France – As expected, the International Time Court rejected Hellena’s request to be tried before them in a unanimous 9-0 decision.  She will now have to return the New Romford City Court for her trial.

    Hellena, the alternate timeline version of Titana stuck in our timeline, was caught several months ago stealing a device from ATOM Labs.  The nature of the device has not been disclosed to the public, but reports indicate it had time travel capabilities.  After being apprehended by Titana, Hellena was going to be tried before New Romford City Court before her attorney requested to be tried before International Time Court.

    The nine judges of the ITC were not persuaded by Hellena’s arguments.  Her attorney argued that all time-displaced beings should not be bound by a timeline in which they did not originate.  Hellena’s timeline involved the increased danger of Napoleon Bonaparte in the early 19th century, where he gained, according to her attorney, near godlike powers from the Ark of the Covenant.  She had to make a deal with Lord Hades in order to combat Napoleon, and this turned her evil.  “Her innate nature,” said her attorney, “is fundamentally different due to a fundamentally different timeline.  You would no more judge an alien from another planet by Earth standards, so why impose such sanctions on a time-displaced being such as my client?”

    The judges questioned her attorney for a half hour, specifically about the nature of the device she was accused of stealing.  This portion of the court transcript is classified, but the judges were critical of using their court to try someone for theft, especially when no time travel occurred.  After a ten-minute deliberation in their chambers, the justices unanimously declined the transfer request.

    Then Hellena flew at the judges before being restricted by the Time Bailiffs.  Hellena was sedated and returned to Peace Force Special Custody to be returned to New Romford.

    Most legal experts agree that trying to attack the ITC will hurt her chances of acquittal at New Romford City Court.

  • Rare Quantillium Shipment Stolen by Apparent Multiplier

    Rare Quantillium Shipment Stolen by Apparent Multiplier

    By Packie Williams

    A shipment of the rare space rock, quantillium, was being transported from the docks to ATOM Labs for research purposes last night, when the armored van was hijacked by masked men, at least one of whom was a multiplier.

    The shipment of quantillium, a rock from the Mark-9 Solar System, was meant as a gift from the Thranzxians to Earth for the Peace Force’s role in saving their planet from a swarm of telepathic insects last year.  Quantillium has many unique energy-absorbing properties that not even the Thranzxians fully understand.  The gift, which weighed no more than a few pounds, was to be examined and studied by ATOM Labs, under the supervision of Dr. Amazing.

    The quantillium was initially received in Paris and then shipped to New Romford by boat.  It was being delivered discretely at night because an ounce is worth millions on the black market.  Somehow, news of the shipment leaked, and three men surrounded the armored van using two semis and a forklift.

    A firefight followed between the guards and the masked men.  The guards reported that only three men were involved in the robbery, but more masked men appeared after they threw smoke bombs at the van.  The masked men, who were dressed in black like the men in the Winston National Bank robbery a few weeks ago, overpowered the guards, knocking them out and driving away with the armored van.

    The NRPD responded to the alarm sounded by the guards as the robbery began and chased them down Miller Road.  After winding through downtown for nearly 15 minutes, the masked men turned down an alley on 18th St and unloaded the shipment.  The police followed them on foot, and during the chase, one of the masked men split into two in front of an officer.  Then it was impossible for the police to capture the robbers as they kept multiplying.

    Unfortunately, the robbers made it out with the quantillium, but now that a superhuman is involved with the case, the Peace Force has assigned two members to search for the culprits.  Neither the NRPD or ATOM Labs would comment on the record about the incident.

  • Project INFINITY Explorers Begin Voyage into Alternate Dimensions

    Project INFINITY Explorers Begin Voyage into Alternate Dimensions

    infinityweb
    From left to right: Maria Gutierrez, Samantha McDonald, John Hou, Tarani Kapoor, Karen Humboldt, Kathleen Herrera, Mike Laramie, Jennifer Laramie

    by Chase Chapley

    Project INFINITY, the ATOM Labs exploration into Earths of alternate dimensions, has finally commenced after over 30 years of planning.  INFINITY plans to explore 100 alternate Earths, recording their similarities and differences to ours, and send records of their exploits back to ATOM Labs.  They “jumped” to their first alternate Earth this morning from ATOM Labs to much fanfare from family, friends, and colleagues.

    The expedition is led by Tarani Kapoor, an expert in alternate dimensional travel and particle physics.  She will be monitoring the “jumper”, the hand-held device that opens portals to each dimension, and will make the final decisions on when they will “jump” dimensions.  Her second-in-command, Leon Verrick, an expert in cosmology, will also monitor a “jumper” of his own in case Kapoor is unable to use hers for any reason.

    The team will be filled out with ATOM Labs scientists of varying disciplines.  Samantha McDonald is the team’s biologist and geneticist, who will be recording the plant and animal species they come in contact to as well as studying DNA samples of said species.  John Hou is the geologist, Karen Humboldt is the team doctor and physiologist, and Maria Gutierrez is the expert in superhuman and extraterrestrial morphology.  Kathleen Herrera will join as the team’s anthropologist and linguist.  The entire team will be accompanied by Michael and Jennifer Laramie, twin brother and sister, who will be their bodyguards.  They are low-level superhumans with increased stamina, strength, speed, agility, and immune systems.

    Each member of Project INFINITY has been trained for years in use of the “jumper” and in hand-to-hand combat.  “We have to be prepared for anything,” said Captain Kapoor.  “Each new Earth could be vastly different than ours, and we won’t know how different until we get there.”

    They will wear special suits, much like spacesuits, for each jump until they’re certain they can survive the new world’s atmosphere.  The “jumper” is designed to detect Earths within the “survivable zone” determined by ATOM Labs.  Oxygen levels, temperature, humidity, acidity, cosmic rays, fire, all will be detected of each new dimension before a jump, but the predictions may not always be reliable.  “We tested this out on ten Earths,” said Kapoor, ” and the predictions were 80% reliable, which is pretty good.  But those two that were off sent us into a world made of fire and another where the atmosphere was the same as ours except the nitrogen [which comprises 70% of our atmosphere] was replaced with hydrogen.  As you might imagine, it was a very explosive Earth.”

    The expedition is expected to last one to two years.  The team has been given a flexible schedule because no one knows what kind of Earths they will experience.  “Some are likely to be hostile,” said Kapoor.  “But everyone understands this.  It comes with the territory, so to speak.”

    Captain Kapoor will be in charge of sending the official reports back to our Earth, dubbed Earth-1, but each member, including the bodyguards, will be keeping a journal of their experiences.  The NRFP will publish some of these reports, and all will be collected into several books once the project has finished.

  • Scientists Accustomed to Living in Adhesive

    Scientists Accustomed to Living in Adhesive

    ATOMLabs

    By Muffy Borgeron

    It’s been several weeks since the three ATOM Labs scientists got stuck in their own experimental adhesive, KR-1078, but even with the inconvenience, they’ve grown accustomed to their situation.

    “I wouldn’t call it ideal conditions,” said Carl Michaelson, one of the three scientists, “but it’s not so bad once you get used to it.  We’re waited on hand and foot by robots all day, and we’re finally getting work done that’s been piling up on our desks for years.  So not so bad, all things considered.”

    Conditions have improved so much that ATOM Labs has allowed the three scientists, Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll, to speak to the media.  There was one caveat though:  no pictures were to be taken out of deference for Dr. Detroit, who is “kneeling” in an unflattering position.

    “The biggest thing to get used to,” said Detroit, “was not letting the blood rush to my head.  But I got this pillow to rest my head on, so that helps a lot.  And they gave me this stylus so that I can click things on my iPad with my mouth.”

    “And my one advantage over my colleagues is that I don’t have to see the robots clean up my butt when they change my diaper.”  Michaelson and Doll wouldn’t comment on wearing diapers, though they didn’t dispute Detroit’s comment.

    Despite growing accustomed to their situation, they don’t want to stay this way forever.  They’re getting cramps and sore muscles, and the sound of machinery during the night disturbs their sleep.  Dr. Amazing and Micro-Man have both been working non-stop to find a way to break through KR-1078.  Although neither scientist would give an estimate on a solution, they said one was coming “soon”.

    “I’m pretty flexible,” said Doll.  “I’ve lived here for two weeks, so I think I can live here another two weeks.  But the absolute worst part about this is all the itches I can’t scratch.  I can’t scratch my face, my arms, my legs, my back.  Nothing.  If I can’t get some microbots to crawl to my itches, I’m going to go crazy.”

  • Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    ATOM Labs has released an official report of Gil Heredia’s death from falling into a vat of chemicals several months ago.  The short answer:  don’t fall into a vat of chemicals.

    Many superheroes and supervillains have been created by being exposed to a vast array of chemicals.  Speedster, Tara Target, and at least a dozen more are credited with chemical-based origin stories, and many more have been speculated upon though not confirmed.  Regardless, it is a common enough theme among superhumans that most people forget that these are isolated instances.

    “People who do gain superpowers,” said the report, “are special people or were in the right place at the right time.  It seems that a person’s genetic structure has to allow random chemicals to seep in and bond with their DNA.  Or you need to splashed with just the right combination of chemicals or at least be struck with lightning or some outside energy while being exposed to chemicals.  As one might imagine, these are both rare cases, and Heredia was not one of those cases.”

    “In conclusion, do not fall into vats of chemicals, and if you do fall into a vat of chemicals, or get splashed by chemicals, go see a doctor right away.  Do not wait for superpowers to manifest themselves or any kind of mutation to pop up.  You may gain superpowers or wings, but the likelihood is not in your favor.  Thank you.”

    In response to Heredia’s death, Lauren Paladio, safety director at ATOM Labs, has removed all walkways that go over all vats of chemicals.  “I don’t even know why we have them,” she said.  “We have robots that can monitor them.”