The New Romford Free Press

Tag: baseball

  • MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis.

    “Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can give players an unfair advantage in a multitude of ways.”

    “What we’ve encountered with Jay McMillan is unprecedented,” the statement continued.  “This is the first player who has taken drugs to suppress his God-given abilities to play baseball.  He went out of his way to make sure he was on a level playing field even though he has great strength and speed.  As long as Jay continues to take marostorzin with a proper prescription, he will be allowed to play baseball.”

    The statement also reported that MLB couldn’t find any evidence that McMillan had let his superstrength and speed come out during his playing career.  But they will be testing him on a “regular basis” to determine if he’s gone off of marostorzin at any time, and if he does, he will be banned from baseball for life.

    While the MLBPA strongly disagrees with the possibility of a permanent ban for a first-time offense, they recognize that superpowers are a new territory for them.  “We understand that Jay can lift cars and jump across wide chasms,” their statement said, “but we urge the commissioner to reconsider a lifetime ban for a first offense, even for one that hasn’t happened yet.  That said, we’re pleased Jay will be able to play baseball again.”

    McMillan reportedly obtained marostorzin from Pinnacle Health in order to keep his superpowers a secret, but now in the open, he has found a legitimate doctor and private practice who will supply him with his “medication”.  Assuming he passes a physical administered by MLB, he will be allowed to play as soon as next week.

  • Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

    Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers.

    McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed.  While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds.  By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9 superstrength and level 8 superspeed.

    The second half of McMillan’s story appears to be true as well.  The DEA found that he took marostorzin, a mild superpower inhibitor that is used primarily by physicians for medical purposes.  How Pinnacle Health was able to obtain this, given that marostozin is a regulated prescription drug not commonly found at clinics, was not disclosed in the DEA’s report.  It would seem Pinnacle Health may have another legal issue to add to their pile, and McMillan may be at fault, too, but the DEA only said the matter “was still part of an ongoing investigation.”

    Exonerated, McMillan is grateful.  “I’m happy that my true story is finally out,” he said in a statement.  “I know this is hard to believe, but I only did this because I love baseball.  We’re so worried about players having an unfair advantage, and rightfully so with all the PEDs in the game.  But I want everyone to know that I did this to preserve the game’s integrity, and I hope to return to the field soon.”

    While out of serious legal trouble, McMillan’s status with MLB is still unclear.  All professional sports have a ban on superpowers.  If McMillan’s story is true, then he’s been taking marostorzin for his entire playing career, but some in baseball don’t believe that.

    “It’s hard to say,” said ESPN columnist Buster Olney.  “We have to assume that he kept on the drug for the past six, seven years.  What about those weeks or months that he struggled in the minors?  What about those months when he was on fire?  Are we supposed to assume that he didn’t miss a few dosages here and there to get an unfair advantage?”

    “I really want to see what he’s like at full power,” said ESPN columnist Tim Kurkjian.  “I’d love to see him crush a ball a mile.  If nothing else, I want to see him hit a ball to center field and then run really fast there to catch it.  That’d be something!”

    Spectacular displays aside, MLB hasn’t issued a ruling on McMillan’s case.  They’re reportedly discussing the issue, and McMillan has voluntarily suspended himself for the time being.  The New Romford Railers, on the other hand, have expressed support for their All-Star.  “We don’t care if Jay has six arms, three eyes, or secret wings,” they said in a statement, “he’s a Railer, and we want him on our team.”

  • Pitching Prospect Gets Preemptive Tommy John Surgery to ‘Get It Out of the Way’

    Pitching Prospect Gets Preemptive Tommy John Surgery to ‘Get It Out of the Way’

    tex_1200x630

    By Dash Hamley

    DALLAS – Texas Rangers pitching prospect, Matt Copland, is known for throwing a 100-mph fastball and a nasty 75-mph curveball that leaves batters swinging at air more often than not.  Now, the 21 year-old double-A pitcher is taking an unusual step in his career:  preemptive Tommy John surgery.

    That’s right.  He announced yesterday that he’s getting Tommy John surgery “out of the way.”

    “I throw 100-mph for at least half my pitches,” said Copland.  “Add that and the torque on my elbow during all my pitches but especially my curveball.  My elbow’s going to pop at some point.  That’s just a fact.  So let’s get it out of the way now.”

    While the rate of pitchers getting Tommy John surgeries in recent years has skyrocketed, no one has decided to do a preemptive surgery.  It doesn’t sound like the Rangers organization is backing this either.

    “Our players are expected to keep their bodies in good condition,” said Rangers GM, Jon Daniels.  “And we can only control what they do and don’t do with their bodies to a limited degree.  We’re talking with Matt, and we hope to talk some sense into him.”

    Tommy John surgery repairs damage to the ulnar collateral ligament in a person’s elbow.  Pitchers who get the surgery are generally out of play for 12-18 months.  Despite teams’ efforts to limit the number of pitches thrown by pitchers during a season, players are still tearing their elbows.  It almost seems inevitable for many pitchers.

    “Look, I can’t get behind it entirely,” said former pitcher Curt Schilling, “but I get where he’s coming from.  You have that specter looming over you nowadays, especially throwing as hard as he does, you just know it’s coming down the line.  I can’t fault him for wanting to get it out of the way.”

    Major League Baseball is rumored to be investigating Copland ever since the news broke.  They reportedly want to make sure he’s not implanting cybernetics into his elbow.

    “I hadn’t even thought of that,” said Copland.  “If only I had the money for a robot arm, hell yeah, I’d do it.”

  • Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

    Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – The infamous ivy at Wrigley Field is still acting up against its own team.

    Last season, the ivy mysteriously became sentient and mischievous towards the Chicago Cubs in a game against the Houston Astros.  It swatted away fly balls before the Cubs players could catch them, held the ball in its ivy, and even tripped up the Cubs players.  Major League Baseball cancelled the remaining few games and hired special biologists and occultists to fix the problem.  But the problem isn’t going away.

    “I don’t know what to tell you,” said Andrew Mickelson, lead groundskeeper for Wrigley Field.  “We tried everything.  Fertilizer, pesticide, lasers, magic spells.  Heck, we even tried reasoning with the ivy, but it just laughed and laughed.”

    “I ain’t never seen anything like this in all my years.”

    Early in the season, they tried freezing the ivy with special cooling mists, but that only worked for about an hour.  The ivy slowly grew a branch to unplug the mist sprayers and stuffed several branches down the machine’s hoses.  And the summer heat didn’t help matters either.

    MLB and the Chicago Cubs are still looking for the reason why this happened all of a sudden.  “Someone is behind this,” said a Cubs official, who wished to remain anonymous.  “Someone did this to us, and we’re going to find out who.  I have no idea how though, so that’s a problem.  It’s probably a Cardinal fan.”

    The Cubs have had to cancel all of their home games just to avoid all the injuries to the players the ivy has caused.  So far, no one has seemed to notice.

  • Wrigley Field Ivy Turns Against Cubs

    Wrigley Field Ivy Turns Against Cubs

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – The infamous Wrigley Field ivy, which has beautified the stadium for decades, has apparently turned against the Chicago Cubs.

    Last night, the Cubs were hosting the Houston Astros when outfielder Fernando Martinez hit a ball towards right field.  Cubs right fielder, David DeJesus, ran back to catch it when the ivy batted the ball away from his glove.  “At first, I thought it just hit the tip of my glove,” DeJesus said.  “But then the fans started yelling something about the ivy.  I thought they were crazy.”

    Instant replay showed the ivy’s interference, but nothing was called on the play.  The next inning, Cubs center fielder, Brett Jackson went to grab the ball as it bounced into the ivy, but he couldn’t pull it out.  “It was like the ivy had just grabbed it,” Jackson said.  “By the time I pried it out, the runner was already to third.”

    By then, manager Dale Sveum went to talk to the umpires.  A short argument ensued, but no one was sure what had happened.  By the seventh inning, it was clear that the ivy was actively sabotaging the Cubs when it tripped both Jackson and left fielder Alfonso Soriano.  Play was suspended, and the ivy gave a deep, bellowing laugh.

    When asked about its apparent sentience, it said, “I’ve always been awake.  How is my secret.”  As for its behavior, the ivy just said, “This team is pathetic and awful.  You try watching this double-A squad play ‘baseball’ for a hundred years.”  Here, the ivy formed hands so it could form air quotation marks.

    Major League Baseball and the Cubs are looking into what to do with the ivy, but since the Cubs only have two more games, and neither team is in playoff contention, they may just cancel the final games.  The ivy reportedly laughed into the night.