The New Romford Free Press

Tag: portal

  • Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

    Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

    AussieFeetsmall

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – It took the giant gray feet and tails a month to descend nearly 500 feet from their portals in the sky, and in an abrupt turn of events, they retreated and disappeared in three minutes.

    “We’ve been monitoring them closely,” said Professor Stratosphere, “and they’ve been descending at a constant rate of about a centimeter per day.  Then, for some reason, they just stopped and ascended very quickly.  And now they’re gone.”

    “We have no idea why.”

    The giant feet and tails have become tourist attractions for Australia as they could be seen up to 1,000 miles away.  Authorities have kept a steady perimeter around the area without few incidents.  In two separate incidents, people have snuck through the perimeter to get a look of the feet from right below them.  Naturally, the prevailing fear was the feet would suddenly drop and crush anyone foolish enough to be under them.

    “A fall like that would likely have cracked the ground below,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “The impact would’ve caused earthquakes all over Australia and probably up into Asia.  Of course, that’s assuming their weight equaled their size.  They could’ve been light as a feather for all we know.”

    Scientists tried to fly closer to the feet to get better readings and possible skin samples, but a mysterious down draft emanating from the portals made that impossible.  At least, they think it was wind.  That, too, was impossible to tell.

    “We didn’t detect any air movement around the feet,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “There was some air movement right around them, but it was just the natural air movement.  We blew smoke across them, and the smoke just blew on past them.  So, it was probably a bend in spacetime.  I think?”

    “Honestly, we have no idea what they were or where they came from.  They were here for some reason, and now they’re not here for some reason.  We have no idea.”

    Asked about the likelihood the giants would reappear on Earth, Professor Stratosphere said, “Pick a percentage from zero to a hundred.  Go ahead.  Your guess is as good as mine!”

  • Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

    Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

    AussieFeet

     

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them.

    Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet.  The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails.  This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything.

    “See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s been monitoring the giant feet for the past two weeks.  “This is what I was saying.  We have no idea how humanoid these things are, and now they probably have tails.  We have no idea what we’re dealing with here.”

    The feet are now 24.14 km (15 miles) above the ground, and at their current rate, Professor Stratosphere believes they’ll touch ground sometime next year.  This also assumes they won’t suddenly fall.

    But the giant feet have become tourist attractions for the continent.  Even with a 100 km (62.14 miles) perimeter around the feet, people can still see the feet for at least three times that distance.

    “I know we see a lot of weird things in this world,” said Karl Monarchs from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who just happened to be vacationing in Australia this week, “but how often do you get to see something like this and not have to worry about getting killed?  Back home, any crazy supervillain or alien or whozziwhazit just springs on you, and you don’t have any time to dodge.  This is pretty freaky, but safe freaky.”

    Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has advised residents and tourists to stay well behind the perimeter for their own safety.  “Yes, I know it’s very inviting to try to take a selfie with the feet,” he said.  “But please be smart and stay safe.  Quite frankly, I’m more than a little concerned that two pair of giant gray feet and, apparently tails now, are just floating over my country right now, so please, please be smart about this.”

    As for residents who live in the perimeter zone, they’ve all been relocated elsewhere at the government’s expense, according to the government.

  • World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    MUMBAI, India – Indian superhero, the Purple Monsoon, stopped Paul Plunder from smuggling billions of dollars worth of ancient artifacts out of the Mumbai docks yesterday night.  Plunder, a British supervillain known for smuggling indigenous treasures, had a cargo ship full of stolen Indian items when the Purple Monsoon swept into the docks with her army of sharks, jellyfish, and whales barricading the ship’s exit.  She used her water powers to flood the cargo ship, throwing jellyfish at the faces of Plunder’s henchmen, incapacitating them with their venomous stings.  A fire-fight followed via Plunder’s flame throwers, trapping the Purple Monsoon, but she called in her trump card, Zayn, the Kraken.  Zayn thrashed the henchmen with his enormous tentacles, and the Purple Monsoon had an opening to knock out Plunder.  The henchmen who had escaped the jellyfish and Zayn surrendered to local police, and the Purple Monsoon hopped onto Zayn’s back and rode off from the docks.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – The flour that had dropped onto the city a week ago was finally cleaned up today.  Rain from a couple days ago made clean up sticky and difficult, but the city is back to normal now.  Scientists, meanwhile, have determined the portal was opened by a strange energy fluctuation in Munich, Germany, but the origin of that is still unknown.  The flour came from a Wertzenbach Foods warehouse in Munich, and that was discovered right away.  Wertzenbach Foods reported $1.2 million in lost and damaged goods.  Authorities and scientists are looking for any leads into the origin of the portal.

    BERMUDA TRIANGLE – Over the past three days, ships and planes that have mysteriously drowned in the Bermuda Triangle have now floated to the ocean’s surface, also mysteriously.  Satellite imaging has spotted over 60 man-made crafts, and so far, they appear to be unmanned.  The Peace Force is sending a team to investigate, and Atlantis is investigating the ocean floor.

    DUBLIN, Ireland – A man claiming to be from 19th century Ireland suddenly appeared in the Irish countryside with nine giant potatoes.  The man claimed to be Ian McGilley, a Irishman who disappeared in the 1850s during the Irish potato famine, and he said he followed “an angel” to a “mystical land” where food was gigantic and plentiful.  McGilley said that he had a series of adventures and misfortunes with the local populace of this “mystical land”, but with the aid of the “angel”, he was able to procure nine giant potatoes that would feed his impoverished nation.  He also claims that he was only in this “mystical land” for two weeks, and he is reportedly very confused with the 21st century.  While scientists have confirmed that McGilley came from to the Irish countryside via a interdimensional portal, they can’t confirm the rest of his story.  The giant potatoes, on the other hand, do appear to be giant potatoes, but authorities are keeping them secured while scientists determine if they’re safe to eat.

  • Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

    Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The two pair of giant gray feet hovering over the Australian Outback have been slowly descending from their portals for the past week, and so far, they’ve only descended enough to show their calves.

    Information about where the feet came from or, more importantly, why they appeared above Australia is hard to come by.  Energy signatures from the portals share a common signature from the Carsi Nebula from the Pegasus Galaxy, but as little is known about either, scientists don’t know what to make of it.

    Better measurements of the feet were able to be taken seeing as the feet don’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.  Pair A, the feet that are facing northwest, are 9.15 km long (5.65 miles) and 4.67 km wide (2.9 miles).  Pair B, facing southwest, are 10.14 km long (6.3 miles) and 4.43 km wide (2.75 miles).  It is hypothesized that Pair A is a male giant and Pair B is a female giant, based on scans of their skeletal structure, though this is assuming the rest of their bodies are similar to humans above the calves.

    “Honestly, we don’t know anything beyond the ankles,” said Professor Stratosphere, who has been stationed in Australia along with a rotating team of Peace Force members since last week.  “They certainly look human, but well, they’re gigantic.  They could have the upper bodies of goats or fish for all we know, let alone any creature we’d recognize on Earth.  It’s far too soon to make any assumptions, no matter how fun doing that may be.”

    For the most part, the Australian people themselves seem to be taking this all in stride.  A recent poll showed 63% of Australians are “not worried about the giant feet” and 14% of Australians are “very worried about the giant feet” with a note that these people lived in the Outback.

    “Well, they’re not doing anything,” said Jossie Mantlebroad, a resident of Canberra.  “You can see them wherever you go, and they just sit there.  What are we supposed to do about it?  I’ll worry about them blokes once they come out of their hole and walk about.  Until then, I got to round up these kangaroo and feed the wallaby.”

    Mantlebroad works at the Canberra Zoo.  More news to come on these slowly descending story.

  • Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

    Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – In one of the more bizarre events in a world full of bizarre events, two pairs of giant feet have begun to descend from the sky over the Australian Outback.

    The giant feet are human-looking but gray in color.  Estimates put them in the range of 5-10 miles in length and 10-20 miles above the ground, but officials have set up a perimeter around the feet, so more accurate measurements are difficult to obtain.  As if their sudden appearance wasn’t bizarre enough, no one can see to what the feet lead.

    “The feet go up into the sky,” said Jared Foster, one of the first to witness the feet, “and their ankles fade into the sky.  And they don’t seem to be moving, or if they are, they’re moving really slow.  It feels like they could just drop and land at any point, and it’s very unsettling.”

    The feet are also facing each other, which seems significant as well.  The Peace Force has sent superheroes to the upper atmosphere to see what is attached to the feet, but as viewed from the ground, they fade into nothing in the stratosphere.  The Peace Force also detected energy waves similar to portals but insist the energy is not dangerous or allowing anything else to come through along with the feet.

    “It seems like they’re coming through a portal,” said Professor Stratosphere, a reserve Peace Force member and expert on the upper atmosphere and portals.  “But it appears to be contained to just their bodies, which is remarkable.  Portals are rarely this clean.  And they are still coming out of the portal, too.  Just very slowly.  I don’t know who these creatures are, but I hope they’re benevolent because they are incredibly enormous.”

    The Peace Force will station several members in Australia to assist with the local government in assessing the danger posed by the giant feet, especially if they were to land at any point.  How they suddenly appeared out of nowhere is another mystery, but storms blew across the continent for the past three days, and that probably provided cover.  It’s unknown whether the storms and the feet are related.

    As for how fast the feet are traveling through the portal, “It’s about one meter every 6 hours,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “Assuming that’s a constant rate, it could take decades for the beings to finally make it all the way through their portals.  That also assumes their bodies are in proportion to their feet and our estimates to their heights are correct.  For all we know, they could be dwarves.”

    “Yes, dwarf giants.  I get how that’s humorous.  It wasn’t a joke.”

  • World News Roundup 10.6.15

    World News Roundup 10.6.15

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries.  The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates.  The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south.  Subsisting on rocks, snow, penguins, and the occasional cannibalism, the Yetis have built a functioning democratic republic with several outposts throughout Antarctica.  They don’t have a currency or any advanced technology beyond axes and frostbite, but they were peaceful and welcoming of the humans.  “Despite living at the end of the world,” said one researcher, “they still had an understanding of historical and current events.  And they made sure to let us know they knew how humans invade lands to exploit their resources, pointing out to the frozen desert each time.  It was disconcerting.”  The research team returned to their base camp safely and early.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – A portal opened up over the skies of Lagos this morning, dropping 30 tons of what was later determined to be flour.  The portal opened up 1,800 feet above the city, and the wind scattered the flour over a 6-mile radius.  Despite clogging the engines of several cars and trucks and downing all airplanes, no one was injured in the “snow”.  The portal closed up in 3 minutes, and scientists have not determined where the flour came from or who opened the portal.

    LA PAZ, Bolivia – Bolivians were made aware of what Lake Titicaca sounds like in English yesterday.  Some Bolivians became embarrassed by the sudden revelation while others came to appreciate the lake more than they previously did.  Peru, who shares the lake, however, still did not get what all the fuss was about.

    TORONTO, Canada —  Tom South, a writer and urban hole explorer, has finished his latest exploration of all the urban holes in Canada.  The three-year journey began in Vancouver and moved eastward to Halifax, ending in his hometown of Toronto.  Eight years ago, South somehow became trapped in the water tank of the submarine ride at the West Edmonton Mall while it was empty for maintenance, and he recorded his three-day experience in his journals.  Trapped in a Dumb Hole became a national bestseller, and he followed that up with “trapping” himself in the Mall of America for two month for his second book Mall of Despairica:  The Cruel Capitalism and Literal Indian Graveyard Under the Mall of America.  That book wasn’t as big of a success as his first, and the lawsuit from the Mall of America eventually had the book pulled from stores.  With the encouragement from his editor, South returned to his roots and embarked on a detailed exploration of urban holes in Canada, and his new book, Holes:  How to Defeat Them the Canadian Way, is slated to come out next year.

  • Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    By Muffy Borgeron

    A man from Arleen fell into a mystic portal to another world when he put on his new Snuggie last night.

    Terry Upton, 47, a contractor from Arleen, bought a new navy blue Snuggie at a Walgreen’s while coming home from work in New Romford yesterday evening.  Security footage from the Walgreen’s shows the Snuggie being placed on the rack three days ago along with four others without any apparent mishandling to the portal Snuggie since then.  Upton purchased it along with a case of beer and two bags of chips.

    Later that night, at home, he put on the new Snuggie and was sucked into it, according to Upton’s boyfriend, Jon Cheong.

    “We had just finished eating dinner and cleaning up,” said Cheong, “and he bought a new Snuggie.  His last one got torn up by our dogs, and we didn’t think anything of it, the new one, you know?  I was in the kitchen when he put it on, and I heard a weird noise and then Terry was screaming.  I ran in, and he was being sucked into the Snuggie like it was a black hole, and he was gone.  Where did he go?”

    Cheong was understandably shaken up by the experience, and investigators have secured the Snuggie in a metal container.  They found trace ion particles in the home, confirming that a portal had opened up from the Snuggie.   Investigators have  seized all the Snuggies from the Walgreen’s that sold it and are tracking down every Snuggie that was came from that batch.  The manufacturer of Snuggies has also been contacted by investigators, and they are cooperating.

    ATOM Labs is working with the investigation, but for now, people will have to be fearful of their Snuggies sucking them up into a portal to who knows where.