The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Professor Stratosphere

  • Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

    Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

    AussieFeetsmall

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – It took the giant gray feet and tails a month to descend nearly 500 feet from their portals in the sky, and in an abrupt turn of events, they retreated and disappeared in three minutes.

    “We’ve been monitoring them closely,” said Professor Stratosphere, “and they’ve been descending at a constant rate of about a centimeter per day.  Then, for some reason, they just stopped and ascended very quickly.  And now they’re gone.”

    “We have no idea why.”

    The giant feet and tails have become tourist attractions for Australia as they could be seen up to 1,000 miles away.  Authorities have kept a steady perimeter around the area without few incidents.  In two separate incidents, people have snuck through the perimeter to get a look of the feet from right below them.  Naturally, the prevailing fear was the feet would suddenly drop and crush anyone foolish enough to be under them.

    “A fall like that would likely have cracked the ground below,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “The impact would’ve caused earthquakes all over Australia and probably up into Asia.  Of course, that’s assuming their weight equaled their size.  They could’ve been light as a feather for all we know.”

    Scientists tried to fly closer to the feet to get better readings and possible skin samples, but a mysterious down draft emanating from the portals made that impossible.  At least, they think it was wind.  That, too, was impossible to tell.

    “We didn’t detect any air movement around the feet,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “There was some air movement right around them, but it was just the natural air movement.  We blew smoke across them, and the smoke just blew on past them.  So, it was probably a bend in spacetime.  I think?”

    “Honestly, we have no idea what they were or where they came from.  They were here for some reason, and now they’re not here for some reason.  We have no idea.”

    Asked about the likelihood the giants would reappear on Earth, Professor Stratosphere said, “Pick a percentage from zero to a hundred.  Go ahead.  Your guess is as good as mine!”

  • Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

    Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

    AussieFeet

     

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them.

    Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet.  The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails.  This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything.

    “See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s been monitoring the giant feet for the past two weeks.  “This is what I was saying.  We have no idea how humanoid these things are, and now they probably have tails.  We have no idea what we’re dealing with here.”

    The feet are now 24.14 km (15 miles) above the ground, and at their current rate, Professor Stratosphere believes they’ll touch ground sometime next year.  This also assumes they won’t suddenly fall.

    But the giant feet have become tourist attractions for the continent.  Even with a 100 km (62.14 miles) perimeter around the feet, people can still see the feet for at least three times that distance.

    “I know we see a lot of weird things in this world,” said Karl Monarchs from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who just happened to be vacationing in Australia this week, “but how often do you get to see something like this and not have to worry about getting killed?  Back home, any crazy supervillain or alien or whozziwhazit just springs on you, and you don’t have any time to dodge.  This is pretty freaky, but safe freaky.”

    Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has advised residents and tourists to stay well behind the perimeter for their own safety.  “Yes, I know it’s very inviting to try to take a selfie with the feet,” he said.  “But please be smart and stay safe.  Quite frankly, I’m more than a little concerned that two pair of giant gray feet and, apparently tails now, are just floating over my country right now, so please, please be smart about this.”

    As for residents who live in the perimeter zone, they’ve all been relocated elsewhere at the government’s expense, according to the government.

  • Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

    Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – The two pair of giant gray feet hovering over the Australian Outback have been slowly descending from their portals for the past week, and so far, they’ve only descended enough to show their calves.

    Information about where the feet came from or, more importantly, why they appeared above Australia is hard to come by.  Energy signatures from the portals share a common signature from the Carsi Nebula from the Pegasus Galaxy, but as little is known about either, scientists don’t know what to make of it.

    Better measurements of the feet were able to be taken seeing as the feet don’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.  Pair A, the feet that are facing northwest, are 9.15 km long (5.65 miles) and 4.67 km wide (2.9 miles).  Pair B, facing southwest, are 10.14 km long (6.3 miles) and 4.43 km wide (2.75 miles).  It is hypothesized that Pair A is a male giant and Pair B is a female giant, based on scans of their skeletal structure, though this is assuming the rest of their bodies are similar to humans above the calves.

    “Honestly, we don’t know anything beyond the ankles,” said Professor Stratosphere, who has been stationed in Australia along with a rotating team of Peace Force members since last week.  “They certainly look human, but well, they’re gigantic.  They could have the upper bodies of goats or fish for all we know, let alone any creature we’d recognize on Earth.  It’s far too soon to make any assumptions, no matter how fun doing that may be.”

    For the most part, the Australian people themselves seem to be taking this all in stride.  A recent poll showed 63% of Australians are “not worried about the giant feet” and 14% of Australians are “very worried about the giant feet” with a note that these people lived in the Outback.

    “Well, they’re not doing anything,” said Jossie Mantlebroad, a resident of Canberra.  “You can see them wherever you go, and they just sit there.  What are we supposed to do about it?  I’ll worry about them blokes once they come out of their hole and walk about.  Until then, I got to round up these kangaroo and feed the wallaby.”

    Mantlebroad works at the Canberra Zoo.  More news to come on these slowly descending story.

  • Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

    Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

    By Buffy Bolivar

    SYDNEY, Australia – In one of the more bizarre events in a world full of bizarre events, two pairs of giant feet have begun to descend from the sky over the Australian Outback.

    The giant feet are human-looking but gray in color.  Estimates put them in the range of 5-10 miles in length and 10-20 miles above the ground, but officials have set up a perimeter around the feet, so more accurate measurements are difficult to obtain.  As if their sudden appearance wasn’t bizarre enough, no one can see to what the feet lead.

    “The feet go up into the sky,” said Jared Foster, one of the first to witness the feet, “and their ankles fade into the sky.  And they don’t seem to be moving, or if they are, they’re moving really slow.  It feels like they could just drop and land at any point, and it’s very unsettling.”

    The feet are also facing each other, which seems significant as well.  The Peace Force has sent superheroes to the upper atmosphere to see what is attached to the feet, but as viewed from the ground, they fade into nothing in the stratosphere.  The Peace Force also detected energy waves similar to portals but insist the energy is not dangerous or allowing anything else to come through along with the feet.

    “It seems like they’re coming through a portal,” said Professor Stratosphere, a reserve Peace Force member and expert on the upper atmosphere and portals.  “But it appears to be contained to just their bodies, which is remarkable.  Portals are rarely this clean.  And they are still coming out of the portal, too.  Just very slowly.  I don’t know who these creatures are, but I hope they’re benevolent because they are incredibly enormous.”

    The Peace Force will station several members in Australia to assist with the local government in assessing the danger posed by the giant feet, especially if they were to land at any point.  How they suddenly appeared out of nowhere is another mystery, but storms blew across the continent for the past three days, and that probably provided cover.  It’s unknown whether the storms and the feet are related.

    As for how fast the feet are traveling through the portal, “It’s about one meter every 6 hours,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “Assuming that’s a constant rate, it could take decades for the beings to finally make it all the way through their portals.  That also assumes their bodies are in proportion to their feet and our estimates to their heights are correct.  For all we know, they could be dwarves.”

    “Yes, dwarf giants.  I get how that’s humorous.  It wasn’t a joke.”

  • Quinton School Explodes Again, This Time Not by Supervillain

    Quinton School Explodes Again, This Time Not by Supervillain

    school

    by Buffy Borgeron

    CARTERSON — The Quinton School for Young Superheroes exploded yet again this morning, this time by one of its students.  No one was seriously injured.

    Marking the school’s 36th explosion in its 50-year long history, today’s blast was from a student’s lab experiment that went awry.  The student, whose name is being withheld by the school, was testing the limits of Professor Stratosphere’s nanites.  These are the same nanites that ran out of control a few months ago.  The Professor was supervising the experiment but was not in the room at the time of the explosion.

    “It’s my fault, really,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “My head globe was starting to crack, and I had to step out to get a new one.  I should’ve replaced it before we began the experiment so that I could’ve been there to watch the experiment more closely.”

    “That said, we found the point at which these little buggers overload.  So that’s a plus.”

    The Professor wouldn’t comment any further on the nature of the experiment, but the overloaded nanites created a series of sparks that reacted with some gases nearby, which started a chain reaction.  Eventually, the explosion took out a large section of the science building and could be heard all the way to downtown New Romford.  Somehow, no one was seriously injured.

    “Our students are superheroes in training,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “They’re used to things like this.  They reacted like superheroes should.”

    The Professor was also quick to point out that this wasn’t a supervillain attack nor did any student turn evil.  “I know we get attacked frequently,” he said.  “But this was not, and I repeat, NOT a supervillain attack, and our students didn’t turn evil.  I repeat, no one turned evil.”

    “The nanites also burned up in the explosion,” he added.  “No one will have gargoyle statues self-assembling on their lawns.  I promise.”

  • Nanites Finally Under Control

    Nanites Finally Under Control

    school

    By Buffy Bolivar

    The nanite rampage at the Quinton School for Young Superheroes is finally over.  Professor Stratosphere, with assistance from ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing, were able to find the cause of the nanites’ malfunction and stopped their ceaseless building last night.

    “It turns out there was some malicious code in their programming,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “I won’t say for certain where the code came from, but I have some guesses on who could’ve put it in there.  One of our many enemies to be sure.”

    It had been three weeks since the rampage had begun as the nanites kept building new structures after the Pop Man attack on the day the school reopened.  The nanites crept to the school’s property line, threatening the residents of Carterson with gargoyle statues and spikes.  Faculty and students had been destroying buildings on a regular basis to slow them down, and they even got some of the residents to help out.

    Finally, the ordeal is over, and many of the students are relieved to be able to rest.  “It’s just been a lot of busy work,” said Jason Mirth, a.k.a. Stone Fist.  “My hands hurt.  I think I’m going to sleep for a week.”

    Before, the residents had to deal with all the noise of the destruction, but now that it’s over, there’s an eerie quiet in town.  “It’s really weird,” said Wanda Platt.  “Everyone had to speak up and yell, basically, to talk for the past week or so.  We all just got used to it.  Now, it’s really quiet, and no one wants to break the silence.

    “But I’m glad it’s over.  I just hope I can get to sleep tonight without all the white noise.”

  • Nanites Won’t Stop Building

    Nanites Won’t Stop Building

    school

    By Buffy Bolivar

    Now, the Muskrat admits, things are getting out of hand.  The nanites that Professor Stratosphere infused into the Quinton School’s buildings have been continually building new structures ever since the Pop Man attack from two weeks ago.   They’re threatening to overrun the school’s property line and spread out towards the town of Carterson.

    “We are working on a solution right now,” said the Muskrat in a written statement.  “We will do whatever is necessary to slow down the nanites before they reach the school’s property line.  Professor Stratosphere is working with ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing around the clock to alleviate this situation.  In the meantime, both the faculty and students are working diligently to destroy any new buildings in hopes of forcing the nanites to rebuild them and stay on campus.”

    Indeed, residents of Carterson can hear the explosions from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes.  “Every few minutes you can just hear a large thud or kapow,” said Randy Scobel.  “I was just reading the paper this morning when I started hearing the explosions, and I spilled my coffee all over the place.  I could even feel my house shake on one of the really big ones.”

    Carterson mayor, Laura McKinley, has expressed deep concerns over the explosions and the nanites.  She said she objected to the nanites when Professor Stratosphere first told her about them, but since the school is outside the city limits, there wasn’t much she could do.

    “I told him these weren’t a good idea,” said McKinley.  “Obviously, I’m not a scientist, but there’s just something off about little machines.  I asked what would happen if they went rogue, and he assured me that everything would be fine.  I tried to look him straight in the face to get a reassurance, but his globe helmet makes it difficult to do that.”

    For now Mayor McKinley is urging residents to remain vigilant and ready to evacuate if they start to see gargoyle statues suddenly appear on their houses.