The New Romford Free Press

Tag: time travel

  • ’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

    ’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National.

    A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars.  The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other.  As the match progressed, ’97 Tiger was winning by a wide margin, and Present Tiger became frustrated.  He broke away from his security guards and threw his club at ’97 Tiger before being tackled by security guards.

    ’97 Tiger kept that club, and it had a message inscribed on it.  Reportedly, the message involves a date and some letters, but the significance of the message is unknown.  But, apparently, it meant something to the younger Tiger.

    “And now he can’t go back,” said Dr. Amazing in a press conference.  “I don’t know how this happened.  In all my years of time travel, gaining future knowledge has never prevented a time traveler from going back in time.  Actually, with time travel, terms like ‘past,’ ‘present,’ and ‘future’ don’t really have much meaning as everything is relative to the traveler in question, but regardless, this is new to me!  Which is exciting, for me, the scientist.  It’s probably not as exciting to the Woodses.  Or to the fabric of spacetime.”

    Somehow, the message prevented ’97 Tiger from returning to the past, but equally puzzling, his unableness to return to his timeline hasn’t affected our timeline.  We think.

    “That’s another funny thing about time travel,” said Dr. Amazing.  “If you’re not the time traveler or in some sort of time bubble, you never realize that the timeline has been reset.  You just don’t experience it because you’re part of the timeline, so you have always experienced the timeline as it was.  We’ve all been part of several alternate timelines over the years, but we only remember this one we’re in now.  So if the ’97 Tiger can’t go home, as it were, then maybe this is just how our timeline is supposed to be going forward.  Or not!”

    Everyone in the press conference was mighty confused.

    Regardless, the ’97 Tiger doesn’t seem to know the significance of the message, and Present Tiger isn’t responding to questions about the message.  So for now, the Tiger Woods of the year 1997 is stuck in the present.  The PGA will likely add him to the tour.

  • ’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

    ’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while.

    After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time.  Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the PGA offices as part of a big send-off for the young Tiger Woods, and of course, it was televised.  It was a two-hour long special, highlighting the golfer’s achievements and journey into his future.  Then, they sent him off into the time portal.

    And he bounced back.

    The time portal wouldn’t accept ’97 Tiger for some reason.  No amount of fiddling with the controls or pushing Tiger into the portal could make him go away.  He was apparently stuck here.

    “I don’t understand what’s going on, really,” said Dr. Amazing, the world’s foremost expert on time travel.  “And if I’m saying that, then you know it’s really unusual.  I’ve tried every setting and every possible avenue, and nothing.  He’s stuck here, I guess?”

    The broadcast was cut off, and the young Tiger was reportedly whisked away for testing.  The PGA said they were having “technical difficulties” and would have “the good, young Tiger back to his time in no time.”

    After the examination, Dr. Amazing only gave a brief assessment of the situation to a room full of reporters.  “We’re still working on the matter,” he said.  “But  we have some ideas, and we’re going to test them all out.  There’s no, uh, time table for this right now, and other time-related words and phrases.”  Clearly flustered by all of the reporters, Dr. Amazing flattened himself into a thin sheet of himself and scooted himself under a locked door.

    The present-day Tiger was asked for comment on the situation but did not respond.

  • Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

    Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Despite warnings from scientists that a time anomaly might occur, the PGA has set a one-on-one golf match between the two Tiger Woods.

    The match is set for one week from today at Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters Tournament, the most prestigious major tournament in golf and site of Woods’s first major win in 1997.  Tickets have already been sold out to the match, and ABC has secured the broadcast rights.

    But the meeting doesn’t come without potential danger.  Scientists and the International Time Court have warned that it’s unsafe for the two Woods to meet since ’97 Woods came to the present through a makeshift time machine made with unknown parts.  Time machines need to be calibrated just correctly or else disaster.

    “Tachyons are the particles that govern an atom’s movement through time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “It’s pretty complicated and heady stuff, but the gist of it is that time machines work by manipulating tachyons to flow forward or backward in time.  You’re essentially pulling those tachyons out of place and then putting them back into place, hopefully correctly.  If you don’t, the atoms become unstable, and regarding people, if the same person from different timelines coexist close enough, that could cause both to cease to exist, and I mean in the past as well as the present.  It’ll be like they never existed.”

    The PGA said they have a team of scientists examining ’97 Woods and the time machine that brought him here for just such an occurrence, and they said they’re confident nothing will happen.  But just to be safe, they plan on keeping the two Woods separated by at least 100 feet at all times.

    “Well, that’s fine,” said Dr. Amazing, “but why is he allowed to stay in the present?  I get everyone wants to see this golf game, but even if nothing happens, he’s still seen the future.  He’s already seen that the World Trade Center is gone and smart phones and so on.  He’s already seen himself in the future.  What happens when we send him back to his own time?  That’s going to reset the timestream!”

    The International Time Court is also concerned, and they’ve requested that Clancy McCarver, a.k.a. The Disruptor, be handed over to their jurisdiction.  They are reportedly working on a solution to return Tiger Woods to 1997 right after he arrived in the present.

    The PGA would not comment on that matter.

  • Minor Supervillain Arrested for Bringing ’97 Tiger Woods to Present

    Minor Supervillain Arrested for Bringing ’97 Tiger Woods to Present

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Minor supervillain, The Disrupter, was arrested in his Bronx apartment on charges of using a time machine to bring the Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present, according to authorities.

    Clancy McCarver was a minor supervillain known as The Disrupter in the early 90s before retiring in 2000.  He has been arrested on several occasions for burglary, robbery, grand theft auto, flying with an unauthorized jetpack, and illegal laser weapons possession.  His gimmick was that he “disrupted the natural order,” which usually involved flying around in his jetpack and firing lasers at random cars.  He hasn’t donned The Disrupter costume since 2000 and has been working as a UPS delivery man for the past eight years.

    Then, he allegedly built a time machine and brought ’97 Tiger Woods to the present yesterday.

    “This guy does nothing for over a decade,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, “and he just comes out of nowhere with a time machine?  For what?  Tiger Woods in his golden age?  There’s nothing in this guy’s past to suggest he was even a golf fan.  He has a girlfriend.  His life was on the up and up.  Why would he do this?”

    Naturally, these questions have been hurled at the PGA, who, just a week ago, had celebrated the retirement of our present Tiger Woods, even though he denied he was retiring.

    “Look, I know people have suspicions, and those suspicions are reasonable,” said PGA CEO, Tim Finchem.  “But we had nothing to do with this breach in the timeline.  We here at the PGA love the past and would never do anything to ruin it.  As for why we celebrated 2015 Woods’ retirement last week, that was a glitch in our computers, and it was an off week for our staff.  So we were going to correct it when we got back, and then ’97 Woods happened, and we got distracted.”

    As for how they found ’97 Woods, Finchem said, “He was standing in our office door, lost and confused.  We knew something was wrong, so we consulted with scientists, and they said he was from ’97.  So we take their word for it.”

    Finchem wouldn’t answer any more questions, but he insisted that the PGA was cooperating with the NYPD, Peace Force, and the International Time Court.  Meanwhile, no one has seen or heard anything from either Tiger Woods.

  • PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

    PGA Introduce ’97 Tiger Woods to Present Timeline

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    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – In a surprising move that will surely test numerous laws, the PGA has introduced Tiger Woods from 1997 to the present timeline.

    PGA CEO, Tim Finchem, introduced the younger Woods at a press conference in New York.  This Woods has just won the 1997 Masters Tournament, and he was somehow brought from the past to the present.  Finchem offered the briefest of explanations for this.

    “A third party,” he said, “who has already been turned over to the authorities, had used a time machine to bring this younger Tiger Woods to our present.  We can’t speculate as to their motives, and I’m sure the authorities will release that information in due time.”

    “But since he’s here, we thought it’d be fun to have the Tiger we all fell in love with play a few rounds of golf.  Who doesn’t want to see that?”

    The younger Woods looked bewildered throughout the entire press conference, which only lasted ten minutes.  Woods reiterated what Finchem had said about his time travel and said he didn’t know much about his future self.  “They’ve pretty much kept that a secret,” he said.  “That’s probably good.  You’re not supposed to know too much about the future.  By the way, what happened to the World Trade Center?  I noticed they were gone earlier.”

    After that question, Finchem ended the press conference and whisked the younger Woods away.  Later, he said that the younger Woods would be playing golf “very soon.”

    The present-day Woods didn’t return anyone’s calls as it’s understandable that he and his camp would be stunned by today’s events.   But that didn’t stop people from speculating.

    “Did the PGA just use a time machine to bring ’97 Tiger Woods to the present?” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt.  “Did they just kick the present Tiger Woods out of the tour to bring back classic Tiger?  This is what happened, right?  Am I having a fever dream?  This can’t be legal or ethical.  What the hell is even happening?”

    According to International Time Law, no, this is not legal.  Bringing a person from the past to the present is an offense punishable by 30 eons in a space between time and dimensions called Nowhere.

    The question now is whether this “third party” that Finchem alluded to acted alone or at Finchem’s request.  Either way, this looks bad for the PGA.

    “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in sports,” said Van Pelt.  “But damn it, we better see the two Woods play against each other.  I know it’s wrong, but who doesn’t want to see that?”

  • Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

    Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow history buffs!  Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown.

    So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking.  Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history?  I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past.

    Julia, that is a fantastic question!  It’s one I’ve often wondered about from time to time, so I did a little digging.  Unfortunately, I don’t think time travel archaeology expeditions are going to happen (at least not often).

    Despite how often time travel seems to happen, the majority of time travels occur from one of our many futures.  According to the State Department’s statistics, 76 of the known 126 time travels are of this kind of travel.  Someone from one of our many futures comes to our present.  Only about 40% of all time travels begin from our time.

    Even so, that’s still 50 time travels.  That’s a lot, right?  It is, but you have to look at who took those travels and where.  19 were taken by The Amazings alone in their many adventures; 12 were taken by supervillain Herr Gerfahr; and 8 were taken by the Peace Force or one of their enemies.  That’s 39 of the time travels, and the other 11 are various superheroes, supervillains, aliens, space monsters, and Dark Lords.  None of these time travelers teach at a university.

    The fact is that time travel takes up massive amounts of electricity to open a time portal.  The exact amount is classified, but it’s an insanely large amount.  Dr. Amazing was quoted, back in 1983, that one hour of time travel (that is, going back in time one hour) takes “about as much energy as a nuclear power plant produces in a day”.  That’s a lot, but it also depends on the model of time machine.  Ones built within the last ten years use about a fiftieth of those models from the 80s, but the length of time travel increases the amount of power needed.  Today, you can travel back a little over two days into the past on the same amount of power that a 1980s machine needed to go back one hour.  It’s still a lot of energy, and energy is expensive.

    Dr. Amazing gets grants from the government and money from patents and speaking engagements to power his time machine (and, reportedly, a highly-experimental energy source).  The Peace Force has wealthy investors, although their time jaunts are made on a case-by-case basis.  And Herr Gerfahr is evil.  The only other way to time travel would be through someone’s superpower or magical ability, or by finding a wormhole by chance, but again, none of these are readily available to historians and archaeologists.

    And that’s not even taking into account any time paradoxes and alterations from time travel.  Trust me, those will give you headaches.

    So, for now, we’ll have to stick with the old-fashioned methods, Julia.

     

  • FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

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    FutureKin CEO Jennifer Carson-Knowles

    By Julia Crumpelman

    Do you know Karen Skyrunner, the British superhero who saved Europe from a Celtic zombie army last year?  Do you know Ferris, the metallic Chicago-based superhero who stopped the Great Lakes from being turned to green sludge from a swamp monster?  How about Joey Radstone, the former Quinton School student who wanders the globe searching for the most “rad stones”?  They all have one thing in common.

    They were all born within the last seven years and are all now adults.  How?  They went to a future world to grow up and returned to the present (or, rather, their past.  It’s complicated.).

    Now Jennifer Carson-Knowles wants to bring this possibility for child-rearing to the common people with her new business, FutureKin.  “It’s so far only been an option for super people,” she said, “and that’s really a shame.  Parents should have the option to age their children faster like the super folk.”

    Carson-Knowles acknowledges that time travel is highly regulated, but that’s only for trips into the past.  “Nowhere in the time laws does it restrict going forward in time,” she said.  “Nor can it.  We travel forward through time constantly.  We’re doing it right now.  So that’s essentially what we’re doing.”

    FutureKin will provide parents with a selection of several future landscapes with separate instructors for different learning environments.  Some will be more knowledge based, others will resemble boot camps, and some will be complete survival worlds.  Once an environment is selected, the child will go to that future for several years and return the next day.  They will have aged however many years the parents paid for, so they could age up to ten years in one day.  How FutureKin Time Engineers are able to pinpoint futures with the right environments is a closely kept secret.

    But why would parents do this to their child, who will not see them for up to 10 years?  “Have you ever tried raising a child going through puberty?” said Carson-Knowles.  “Hell.  Pure hell.  Get your kid through the rough patch in one day and be done with it, I say.”

    “Another benefit,” she said, “would be having grandchildren much quicker.  This could be very helpful for parents who have children late in their lives.”  Her daughter, who went through one of the 10-year educational futures, rolled her eyes when she heard this.  She is legally only 9 years old but is physically 19 years old.

    “This is a bad, bad idea,” said Dr. Amazing, upon hearing the business plan for FutureKin.  “I don’t even know where to begin.  Those superheroes [listed above] went to the future because they had no other choice.  Skyrunner had a disease that only future tech could cure.  Ferris ran into a time portal when we has pursued by squid monsters, and Radstone was, well, a little stone crazy.  They lost years with their families.  Years!  They returned home and were emotionally distant from their families.”

    “Not to mention that those futures may not even exist because of something that happens today or another time traveler comes back to change something which deletes that future from happening,” said Dr. Amazing, running out of breath.  “Oh my god, this is such a bad, bad idea.”

    Carson-Knowles brushes off the criticisms.  “I have the top Time Engineers on this project,” she said.  “They will monitor every possible perturbation in the timestreams to make sure all of our futures still exist on a second-by-second basis.”

    “It’s like boarding school,” she said.  “And children grow up just fine because of that, so I think we’ll be just fine.”  Again, her daughter rolled her eyes and made an obscene gesture at her mother from behind her back.