The New Romford Free Press

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Vandals Ransack Veralow


By Buffy Bolivar

The Vandals are back, and they ransacked a strip mall in Veralow today.

“Those damn (expletive) took all of paintings and silverware,” said Pigori Subs owner, Fabian Pigori.  “I was just working in the back on my classic Italian pizza subs.  I had an order for 100 pizza subs for a bigwig business guy, and then those (expletive) Vandals popped out of nowhere and ransacked my amazing restaurant.”

Other store owners of the Veralow Plaza on Chaucer Street told similar stories.  Cronkston Vintage Clothing store noted the Vandals took off with several racks of women’s clothes, even though none of the Vandals were women, MegaHertz electronic store lost hundreds of yards of various cords, and EZ Cash Checking said they took chairs, a desk, and a few paintings, but no cash.

“It was the strangest robbery we’ve ever had,” said Jonathan Drake of EZ Cash Checking.  “I mean, normally, people go for the cash and not the furniture.  So strange.  And then they all disappeared in a white light, just like they arrived.”

The German supervillain, Herr Gerfahr, used his time traveling device in the 1980’s to loot treasures from history.  The Amazings were able to stop him in 455 CE when the Vandals ransacked Rome, but a small group of Vandals got caught in a time-space loop and have been hopping to different times and places ever since.  Their last known locations were London in 1994, outside Osaka, Japan in 1967, Machu Picchu in 1571 (according to Spanish histories), and St. Petersburg, Russia in 1799.  Usually their appearances last only a few minutes, and no one knows where they put all of their loot.

Regardless, the time-space-traveling Vandals have not ransacked the same place twice, which provides some comfort to shop owners of the Veralow Plaza.  “At least I can write it up to my insurance,” said Pigori.  “I’ve lived in New Romford my whole life, and this is literally the only crazy thing that’s ever happened to me, so I count my blessings.  It’s like they say:  Vandals never strike twice.”