By Dash Hamley
CHICAGO – The infamous ivy at Wrigley Field is still acting up against its own team.
Last season, the ivy mysteriously became sentient and mischievous towards the Chicago Cubs in a game against the Houston Astros. It swatted away fly balls before the Cubs players could catch them, held the ball in its ivy, and even tripped up the Cubs players. Major League Baseball cancelled the remaining few games and hired special biologists and occultists to fix the problem. But the problem isn’t going away.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Andrew Mickelson, lead groundskeeper for Wrigley Field. “We tried everything. Fertilizer, pesticide, lasers, magic spells. Heck, we even tried reasoning with the ivy, but it just laughed and laughed.”
“I ain’t never seen anything like this in all my years.”
Early in the season, they tried freezing the ivy with special cooling mists, but that only worked for about an hour. The ivy slowly grew a branch to unplug the mist sprayers and stuffed several branches down the machine’s hoses. And the summer heat didn’t help matters either.
MLB and the Chicago Cubs are still looking for the reason why this happened all of a sudden. “Someone is behind this,” said a Cubs official, who wished to remain anonymous. “Someone did this to us, and we’re going to find out who. I have no idea how though, so that’s a problem. It’s probably a Cardinal fan.”
The Cubs have had to cancel all of their home games just to avoid all the injuries to the players the ivy has caused. So far, no one has seemed to notice.