The New Romford Free Press

Tag: clones

  • Pumpkin Pi Uses Clones as Henchmen in Latest Chemical Caper

    Pumpkin Pi Uses Clones as Henchmen in Latest Chemical Caper

    PumpkinPi

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The math-themed supervillain with a pumpkin for a head, Pumpkin Pi, robbed the Spade Chemical Plant last night with at least 15 clones as henchmen.

    Pumpkin Pi, who still claims he isn’t ripping off Sleepy Hollow and is simply the result of a weird pumpkin spice chemical accident, stole several gallons of unnamed chemicals from the Spade Chemical Plant, again.  Usually, he robs places with his Gourd Gang in tow, but Squash, Muscat, nor Atlantic Giant were with him.  Instead, he had at least 15 clones as henchmen.

    The clones all wore the same costume, all black clothing and a mask that revealed only the nose and mouth of each henchmen.  Facial recognition software wasn’t able to name any of the henchmen, but it did reveal they all had the same face.

    Sources inside the NRPD have said the multiplier from the quantillium robbery might be the source of these clones as breeding clones in a lab for henchmen purposes would probably be cost prohibitive for Pumpkin Pi.  It’s still too early to tell if these clones came from this multiplier or a different multiplier or if time or interdimensional shenanigans may be at play.  No matter the option, the NRPD have asked the Peace Force for help in the investigation.

    As for last night’s robbery, Pumpkin Pi used his math skills to calculate his attacks, and the henchmen easily subdued the guards within two minutes.  They wheeled eight barrels of chemicals into their vans and escaped before the police arrived on the scene.

    Pumpkin Pi is still at large, somehow, with a pumpkin for a head.

  • Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – Chicago Bulls guard, Derrick Rose, who has battled several knee injuries over the past couple years, denied accusations that he’s using the legs of a clone in his latest comeback.

    “It’s just ridiculous,” said Rose.  “I’ve worked so hard to come back from surgery.  It’s one thing to be accused of using steroids, but this doesn’t even make sense.”

    The accusation came from many in the locker room and the news room.  Players from both the Bulls and opposing teams noticed how smoothly Rose has been playing in his first few preseason games.  He was playing “like he had fresh legs,” according to one player, and that got the ball bouncing so to speak.

    “He was a little hesitant when he came back from his first knee surgery,” said Charles Randall, local Bulls beat reporter.  “He took a whole year off from basketball just to be sure, but even still, you could tell he was cautious.  Then he got hurt again.  I wouldn’t blame him if he did clone himself and then chop off those fresh legs and sew them to his body.  Hell, I would if I had the money.”

    The procedure of sewing limbs to another person’s body goes back to at least the 19th century when Dr. Frankenstein first created his monster.  In the last two hundred years, the procedure, known as Frankenstein Surgery, has certainly progressed but has also been only performed in certain countries or on the black market.  As one might imagine, finding the spare limbs is the main sticking point.  Even allowing people to donate their limbs like they donate their organs is seen only as a little less monstrous, mostly due to the Frankenstein connection.

    As for Rose the accusation gained steam when a pair of pictures surfaced in the last two days.  Each showed the scars on his knees, but each picture seemed to show the scars in slightly different places on his knees.  “It kind of looks like makeup if you look at it a certain way,” said Laura Collins, another local Bulls beat reporter.  “And of course, he’s wearing knee braces while he plays so that it could cover up any smudging while he plays.  You could make a case for it, certainly.”

    The NBA, which takes cheating very seriously, wouldn’t comment directly but is said to be looking into it.  Meanwhile, Rose remains defiant.  “I don’t know where you people think I got a clone of myself from,” he said.  “Like I’m supposed to have gone to South America or something.  Am I supposed to have an army of clones in water tubes ready for my use whenever I get hurt?”

    “Ludicrous.”

  • U.S. Relaxes Restrictions on Clones for Mic-D Tribute Concert

    U.S. Relaxes Restrictions on Clones for Mic-D Tribute Concert

    After android fails, Mic-D returns as clone.
    Mic-D file photo.

    By Stan Hopewell

    WASHINGTON – The U.S. government relaxed its restrictions on clones entering the country today so that the clone of Mic-D can perform a tribute concert for the Dino-Day Disaster.

    The U.S. government bans the creation of any new human, humanoid, or sentient lifeforms within its borders and also restricts the entrance of any clones created outside the U.S.  After several incidents with clones of superheroes and supervillains, which have cost hundreds of lives and billions of dollars in property damage, Congress banned all new clones in 1993.  Any clone created outside the U.S. can only enter on a very strict basis, usually for “extreme circumstances”.  Clones who were created before 1993 are allowed to live as normal citizens but are closely monitored.

    Allowing the clone of rapper Mic-D, who was created in Mexico, to enter U.S. borders for a tribute concert shows that the government is willing to relax its restrictions.  “I don’t think a tribute concert counts as an ‘extreme circumstance’,” said legal expert, Maria Bramford.  “What it says is that the American government is willing to work with clones and to give them more equal treatment, just like they’d give any original person.”

    Some people aren’t pleased by the restriction.  “It goes against all of our morals and ethics,” said John Jefferson of the Heritage Federation.  “Cloning should not be encouraged in any way, shape, or form.  There may be some ‘normal’ clones out there, and they may contribute to society as a whole, but they’re not natural.”

    The relaxation seems to show the U.S. government is willing to work with clones as they do original humans in hopes of reaping the economic benefits that may come from it.  Edward von Eschen, CEO of Eschen Technologies, cloned himself five years ago and was able to double his company’s productivity and increased its profits by 30%.  “Von Eschen is the perfect example,” said Bramford.  “That’s what the U.S. government ultimately wants.  The profits from cloned elites to propel our economy into the future, but it’s a delicate balancing act as cloning is still a taboo subject here.”

    “Plus, that Mic-D clone, a clone of a dead person, is just creepy, so I get that side, too.”

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