The New Romford Free Press

Tag: LA Nations

  • LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

    LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

    kurtrussell
    Image from the movie Escape from L.A.

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – Famous Actor, Kurt Russell, has apparently been helping people escape from Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, and yes, he realizes how that sounds.

    “I can’t believe he’s actually doing this,” said Roger McCormick, who was helped out of the LA Gridlock by Russell.  “I asked him, ‘Seriously?  You’re doing this?’  And he was like, ‘Yeah yeah, I know.  Come on, you want to get out of here, right?’  It was wild, man.  Just wild.”

    According to those who escaped LA, Russell was in his Beverly Hills home when the Gridlock happened, and his fellow actors and Hollywood cohorts asked him to get them out of the city.  They knew how well he researched his film roles.  It took some convincing, but Russell revealed that he knew how to escape the city through a serious of underground tunnels, which turned out to be mostly sewers and the subway, but they did lead out of the city.  Along the way, he met several non-Hollywood elites in the sewers, and he knew his mission.

    “We live in Anaheim when this all started,” said Rosa Marquez.  “My son and I were driven into hiding by the Terminator Gangs, and we got mixed up with some other people who took us underground.  We were lost immediately, and after a day of wandering, we ran into Kurt Russell of all people.  He said he’d take us to safety, and even in those sewers, his blue eyes pierced through you to your soul.  I just knew he’d get us to safety.”

    Russell has led over 3,000 people to the Free Lands northwest of LA.  Relief workers have been setup there for the past week, providing shelter for escapees.  Each time Russell appears with new escapees, crowds form and chant his name.  He takes the praise in stride, cleaning and resting up for each new rescue mission.  After getting refueled and taking selfies, Russell heads back underground.

    “Man, the man is non-stop,” said Erin Churn.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap.  He just keeps moving.  It’s incredible.”

    “I don’t know why he wears the eye-patch though.  I mean, I know why, but still.”

  • LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

    LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

    lagridlock1

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – Chaos continues to reign in the Greater Los Angeles Nations as birds attack bats, the Disney Lands take over Knott’s Berry Republic, and the Breach grows.  The Amazings are set to arrive in Los Angeles tomorrow, bringing much needed help to a region that continues to get weirder by the day.

    The nation known as Aviania has been blanketed by birds for the past week.  From seagulls to pigeons to eagles, hawks, and condors, the skies have darkened over what used to be Irvine, Lake Forest, and Mission Viejo.  Over the last several days, the number of birds has doubled each day as they have appeared to form military divisions according to witnesses in nearby nations.  Rumor has it that a wizard of some sort has holed up in the Mission San Juan Capistrano, just south of Mission Viejo.  It is famous for being the springtime migratory home of the American Cliff Swallow, so it only seems natural that a birdtalker is controlling the birds from there, but so far, it’s still a rumor.

    What’s not a rumor is the birds have been attacking the bats of Chino Hills to the north.  Also known as Batsylvania, Chino Hills has been overrun with the flying mammals, but unlike Aviania, it doesn’t have a famous history of bats.  Rumor has it that a coven of vampires got stranded in Chino Hills and took over, but again, it’s only a rumor.  The bird-on-bat violence has riddled the land of both nations with hundreds of dead flying animals.  Three battles have taken place over the past two days, and it’s not clear if either side has gained any advantage.  But that seems to only be a matter of time as Aviania has replenished its ranks to almost full strength after each battle.  No one knows what they’re fighting over or how to make the children stuck in these nations stop crying.

    Nearby, the Disney Lands have crossed their border into the Knott’s Berry Republic and have all but crushed the competing amusement park-themed nation.  Leaders from the Knott’s Berry Republic have long suspected that Disney would overtake them, but they figured their sticky jams, wild west themed guards, and Peanuts licensing rights would put up more of a fight.  Sadly for them, Charlie Brown couldn’t defeat Mickey Mouse and the precise military strikes of the Disney Lands.  A few leaders have managed to escape the invasion, but it may be only a formality at this point.  The Disney Lands have seized control.

    Yet the most disturbing development is several miles northwest.  The Breach has grown.  More people have been captured in its thrall, and they are chanting something different.  “She is coming,” they chant.  “She is coming,” they repeat continuously, as their eyes turn white.  They do not say who “she” is or what “she” wants.  All we know is “she is coming.”

  • LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

    LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

    lagridlock1

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – While Governor Jerry Brown has called a state of emergency for southern California, the residents of the new Greater Los Angeles Nations have dug in their heels for the long haul.

    The nations simply called Cat People and Dog People are predictably at war with each other.  Both nations reside in the quadrangle between the 710 & 605 and the 91 & 405, comprising a large portion of the cities of Long Beach and Lakewood.  Divided down the middle by Lakewood Blvd, the Cat People live on the west while the Dog People live on the east.  It’s not known how each nation became based on the love of feline and canine pets, but their natural rivalries quickly coalesced into a feud.

    Their battles have raged since day one as each vie for territory across Lakewood Blvd.  The Lakewood Center mall, which lies on the eastern side of the border in Dog People territory, is a hotbed for attacks from the Cat People as it has a Costco, Target, and Macy’s.  The Lakewood Regional Medical Center lies on the western side of the border, and the Dog People regularly let their canines loose to distract the doctors while they steal medical supplies.  The biggest hot spot in the Long Beach Airport as one of its runways crosses the border into Dog People territory.  Last night, thirty-five people were injured when the Dog People tried to gain more runway.  Ultimately, they failed, and tensions remain high.

    Meanwhile, more information has come in as to what exactly “The Breach” is, and apparently, there’s a 3-mile long tear in the fabric of spacetime from Brentwood to the Sunset Strip “hovering” ominously in the sky.  People who stare at the tear reportedly “see the cosmic truth of reality,” or at least, that’s what they chant 24 hours a day as they can’t turn away from The Breach.  So far, nothing has come through The Breach, and no one knows how it tore open.

    But the big question is where are the superheroes?  The West Coast Peace Force is still in space, and the East Coast Peace Force has their hands full with everything else going on in the world.  The most powerful local heroes work for the WCPF, so only the street-level heroes are around, and they seem to be trying to maintain peace rather than solve the gridlock.

    Dr. Amazing has been called in to help solve the problem, but help may take a while to get there as he’s currently stuck in a pocket dimension with Micro-Man.

  • New Nations Form in Los Angeles Gridlock

    New Nations Form in Los Angeles Gridlock

    lagridlock1
    Click for full-sized map.

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – The permanent gridlock on the freeways and streets of the greater Los Angeles area has created more than just chaos.  It’s created new nations as well.

    With vehicles stuck on the freeways or the main roads, people haven’t moved much further than where their vehicles have parked.  Some local residents have offered to house stranded drivers while others have been living in parks, alleys, and whatever buildings in which they can find refuge.  And the Terminator Gangs and Na’vi Nation have seized the opportunity.

    The Terminator Gangs have taken control of much of eastern Los Angeles and formed an area called Battlezone just southeast of Dodger Stadium, where disputes among gang members take place.  The Na’vi Nation has taken control of the most land, taking up land from La Habra in the south to all the territory north of the 210.  To compete with the rampaging fandoms of James Cameron movies, the Jedi Republic formed in the Pomona-Ontario-San Dimas regions, though the Na’vis aren’t scared of them according to neighboring nations.

    The rest seem to be a hodgepodge of local residents or displaced drivers rising up to power.  A family of centaurs has taken control of Huntington Park, Queen Arga, a witch claiming to be from 16th century England, is ruling Fullerton, a 55 year-old trucker, Fred Lloydman, has proclaimed San Fernando to be a constitutional monarchy called Fredistan, and millions of bees have taken control of Leimert Park, though no one knows if one queen bee is in charge or if multiple queens are.

    Some “nations” are neighborhoods that have tried to transport people out of the gridlock without success.  Scientists in Westmont and Inglewood tried digging a hole underground but only dug up lava, somehow, and scientists in Gardena tried opening a wormhole but only succeeded in sucking 30 blocks into oblivion, leaving a crater 50 yards wide in its wake.

    The studios have largely banded together south of the 101, Warner Bros. and Universal being the dual rulers, but Disney has taken over two nations and is arguably the most well-organized.  The Disney Lands take up much of the land around Disneyland, including most of Anaheim, Orange, and Santa Ana, and the Northern Disney Lands take up the triangle between the 101, 170, and the 5 where Walt Disney Studios and the Bob Hope Airport are located.  Rumor has it that they have a secret tunnel allowing the two disparate states to connect, but that’s been unconfirmed so far.

    Not much is known about the other nations apart from the names given to themselves, but everyone, from local mayors to the governor, is surprised by how quickly communities broke down and rebuilt themselves after the permanent gridlock.